Although people are not helpful when they are abusively in someone's face about the past, it is also true that a step in recovery involves taking stock of what damage one may have done when not at one's best, and seeing what needs to happen to move things forward in those areas when possible.

Trust can be lost, and it isn't regained by ignoring what happened. The damage needs to be acknowledged and aplogized for, without any self-blame but with an acknowledgement that a commitment of some kind may have been breached. Trust can be regained once this happens, if the other person is willing, or becomes willing LATER after doing their own healing about the situation.

I have seen lots of people pursuing their recovery, in the stage before they learn this, stuck in a place where to escape a feeling of self-blame they deny any responsibility whatever for what occurred. This transfers part of responsibility for their recovery to the people around them-- "You are making me not able to recover by blaming me." Yes, blame can be hurtful, but we can heal even if others around us are not yet ready to forgive. Doesn't mean we have to subject ourselves to their abuse about it-- but it doesn't mean we can dictate the speed of their own healing, any more than it helps us when they dictate the speed of our own.

Nothing like two people healing at different rates, from different sides of a mess, to make simple stuff real complicated.

~Susan