Portadown – 30th January 2002

From Our Special Correspondent

There's an air of anticipation here in Drumcree. The rift between supporters of Isaac McKittery and those of Samuel McAutry threatens to split the local Orange Order asunder. It is alleged that McAutry – otherwise known as Derryadd Sam – has been waging a smear campaign against his rival for the hand of "Ozzie Alison". Matters came to a head this morning when McKittery retaliated with a harsh rebuke of Sam for his lack of attention to personal hygiene and his cavalier disregard for decent manners.

Now the camp at Drumcree has split into two factions. Dapper McKittery – resplendent in full marching regalia – has returned from his feted attempt to row single-handedly from Larne to Melbourne. He has been gathering signatures for a covenant that pledges signatories to leave the old Orange Order and be initiated into his newly-formed "Loyal (To Alison) Orange Order of New South Wales via Edenderry" unless Brother McAutry is dismissed dishonourably from the Orange Order. For his part, McAutry has been attempting to win support for his motion that McKittery should be expelled from the Order.

McKittery has so far garnered some 20,000 signatures. McAutry only one, besides his own, and that from a boy from the Montiaghs who got confused by the milling crowds and thought he was signing for his dole money!

The Orange Order so far is keeping its cards close to its chest. But sources close to the Grand Master reveal that they are not treating the matter as a cause of serious concern. "A wee bit of controversy about a coortship never did any lasting harm, did it?" quipped a spokesman.

Oh aye?! Try telling that to Parnell!!