Dear Mr Nesbitt

Or should I say ... SABOTEUR!

Myself and a fellow member of DMSE Ltd have, in a spirit of curiosity, sampled your donation of "Irn Bru". This mingin' beverage is an insult to the sophisticated palates of Mid-Ulster. After analysis by our scientific team, our initial suspicions that the "soft drink" was nothing of the sort have been confirmed.

We have been advised that the bottle contains carbonated diabetic urine.

Either youse Scottish boys are devoid of taste or this is a calculated insult to the good folk of Mid-Ulster. No matter ... yez can have the Irn Bru, so yez can! We're keepin' the buckie and the sodie bread.

Yours sincerely

DMSE Ltd