Reports are coming in that police in the Craigavon area have arrested wee chubby harpist, Derek Bell.

Bell is reported to have entered the Chemist in Craigavon Shopping Centre and roared "Give me all your drugs, you big pack o' hoors! I'm off my head and I need more drugs!"

He was overpowered by two oul' dolls who threw him to the groun' and gave him a few sharp digs in the kidneys to pacify him till the cops came.

Chief Inspector McGonagle praised the courage of the have-a-go heroes but warned the general public not to have a go themselves in similar situations. "Boys like Bell are a menace" he said. "Nice as ninepence one minute and mad as blazes the next! Give them a wide berth. Hell hath no fury like a wee plump harpist on the rampage."