Scene … an interrogation room in Portydown police station.
A chubby, moustachioed guardian of law and order sits in a chair opposite Derek Bell – harpist with the Chieftains.
Bell – What's goin' on? Why huv youse got me here? I'm due to be down in Win'mill Studios in a day or two makin' a new album.
Peeler – You'll be makin' no album, you wee gulpin! I'm gonny make damn sure that you spend the rest of your days where you'll not be able to get your paws on any more drugs!
Bell – I'm buggered, aren't I?
Peeler – You're well goosed, now Bell, that's for sure.
Bell (anxiously) – What if I gave you some information?
Peeler – Such as?
Bell – The person who murdered Nell Flaherty's drake?
Peeler – (can't contain his excitement) You know about thon one?
Bell - (cautiously) Aye. And more besides.
Peeler – I think we might be able to do business! Talk on, boy! Here, d'ye wanny wee child's leg? (He offers a Regal.)
Bell – Thanks. (Lights up. Blows smoke in a thin thread towards the ceiling.) The Ducks Of Magheralin!
Peeler – No!
Bell – Same boyo! McBreen's Heifer.
Peeler – Holly Jaysus! I may sit down!
Bell – You may. For the same fella made off with Paddy McGinty's Goat and An Puc Ar Buile.
Peeler – Holy God!
Bell – Not to be outdone, he made away with The Lark In The Morning, The Lark On The Strand and The Kid On The Mountain!
Peeler – Why? Why?
Bell – To feed his big oul' gut, that's why!
Peeler – Mr Bell. If you could help us track down this hallion, then I promise, we'll drop all charges. Who is it?
Bell – (Smugly) Officer, remove the cuffs! The man you're after is no other than Eamonn Holmes!