Aaahh, those were the days... The Crack was Ninety in the Caravan

Well weren't we the shower of bastards
Spent the evenin' gettin' plastered
With a carry-out of Bucky
We were feeling mighty lucky
Over the hedge and down by the tent
Our drink all gone and the money spent
' Hurry boys, don't miss the crack
Or before we're there we're all be back.'
Drinkin' from a can,
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Before we reached Garvaghy Road
Eamonn was ready to explode
In the bar on the train he'd had great sport
Eatin' pies and drinking port
Landed up in the Drumcree site
Enquiring for a pitch for the night
Our tent was up but soon got stoned
By a pack of spides from up the road
'Lads, fuck aff if yous can.'
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Next morning we went for a ramble round
Viewed the sights of Portydown
Then we went for a mighty session
In a tent wi' a pile of beardies.
We must have been drunk by half past nine
So we opened some more Buckfast Wine
Back to the tent for the spruce up
And while waitin' for the fry
We all drew up our plan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

That night we went to the Session tent,
Came back down in discontent
Met the Chieftains and all went in
To drink some wine in with Paisley
Then Derek Bell it was said
Was to be found there, aff his head.
Shane was there in his suit and shirt.
Them Corrs girls he was tryin' to flirt.
Sayin', 'Here, girls, I'm your man.'
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Daniel fancied his good looks
On a Portydown woman he was struck,
But Eamonn Holmes was by her side
And he throwin' the jar into her.
Daniel thought he'd take a chance
He asked the quare one out to dance
Around the floor they stepped it out
And to Dan it was no bother
Everythin' was goin' to plan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

The Portydown woman fancied Dan
But he hadn't counted on alison
Her and Dana fought for Daniel
He was having so much fun.
His mammy then arrived as well,
Told them all to go to hell
Took Daniel back to Donegal
Before he'd had a go at all
Grounded poor auld Dan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.