(RONNIE) Are yez alright out there?

(MASSIVE cheer!)

(RONNIE) I thought we were never goin' to get thon bollox Christy Moore off the stage.

Shane, would you get over to the mike, here and never mind snoggin' the face aff Brenda Fricker. Put her down, boy! You can always give her a bit of an oul' coort after we've sung this wee song.

(Shane grabs the mike to wild applause! He gives a quick thumbs up and has a swig of Bucky.)

(RONNIE) Now, we've been asked to revive this oul' come-all-ye. It's a reworking of The Irish Rover. We call it "The Irish Army Land Rover".

Take us away, there Barney!

(RONNIE) At the turn of the year two thousand and two, we were stunned when the news it came roun'
There was some sort of fleadh, and a big oul' ree-raa goin' on near to black Portydown
Well Barney, sez me, this is something we must see, the border we're bound to cross o-o-ver
But we hadn't any wheels, so John Sheahan had to steal, an oul' Irish Army Land Rover

(SHANE) As they passed Nenagh town, I could hear the oul' soun' of Barney pickin' a reel
And they stopped on the street and I lep' in the jeep and away the oul' tyres they did squeal
We sang Boolavogue, and oul' Eileen Óg and Barn played the oul' Stack of Ba-arley
There was no time to waste, we must get off our face, so we all did a big line of charlie

(RONNIE) By an oul' roadside ditch, determined to hitch, the boul' Eamonn Holmes gamely stood
We screeched to a stop and said "In you hop" you dorty big Christ-a-mas pud
He fair slowed us down, that man big and roun', and times he near tipped us o-over
But it's a sturdy oul' yoke, runs on petrol and coke, the oul' Irish army Land Rover

(SHANE) We stopped in Dundalk and I had an oul' gawk roun' the pubs to see what's the crack
And Ronnie said "Shane, we'll not be detained. We'll l'ave you if you are not back"
But I met Gino L in the Fairways Hotel, sez he "Are you crossing the Bo-order"
Sez I "That we are, why not hop in our car?" But by Jaysus the squeeze it was morder

(RONNIE) We limped through Poyntzpass and near pulled the ass off our jeep as we hit an oul' ramp
Through Scarva we limped like a carload of simps as we made for the Portydown camp
In Gilford, a shock, the oul' jeep it stopped and none of our efforts would sta-art it
So we marched in on foot the last bit of our route, devil the bit of us down-hearted

(SHANE) It was a sight to behold, there was joints ready-rolled being offered by ladies half-dressed
I heard oul' Brush Shiels, his oul' guitar squealed, and by Jaysus, I was quarely impressed
There was Butler and Flat, the latter a prat, the former a right wee te-ee-ease
(RONNIE) And Shane says, "Now Ron, before the night's gone, I'll have her between my knees!"

(MASSIVE CHEER from audience. Jean Butler smiles demurely and shuffles!)

(RONNIE AND SHANE) So come musos all and answer the call and join us in oul' Portydown
Fiddlers of jigs come join in this gig it's a session of major renown
If you know "Kinnegad", then give it a wad, the girls they will roll you in clo-over
And then when they are done, they will pack you off home, in the oul' Irish Army Land Rover!

(DEAFENING applause.)

(SHANE) Thanks! Up the republic!