Hello Portydown …

I thought Shane was never gonny get off the fuckin stage. But he was grand, there, altogether wasn't he? Give him a big round of applause …

(CHEERS. WOLF-WHISTLES. Etc.)

I'd like to do a wee gentle number to start aff wi'.

It's called "Fare Thee Well, Sweet Portydown"

Oh then, fare thee well Sweet Portydown
To Denny's and the Bann
On the banks of whose oul' muddy stream
Lives many's the one called McCann
And one such man, by the name of Dan
Cleans his face in an oul' frying pan
Ah, sure only a glipe, would give his face a wipe
With a thing the like of thon!

Oh it's fare well Craigavon's twin lakes
The fairest yet built by man
If you call them a dub, then I'll treat your oul' gub
To a taste of the back of my han'
And the Garvaghy Road, where up I once strode
With my sash and my snowy-white gloves
I bid you adieu, you home of the few
The town that so well I have loved

Oh it's fare thee well to the Seagoe Hotel
Likewise to the oul' Carngrove
Where I first got a ride, in the car park outside
The pair of us damn well near froze
I don't mind her name, an' I think that's a shame
But the buckie destroys your oul' cells
I'm sure she's alright, it's me – the oul shite
Who is startin' his journey to Hell

And when I descend, will I meet my oul' friends
In the sulphurous pits below
Drinking bad wine and spending their time
Smokin' big joints full of blow
For Hell can't be far from this town in Armagh
For here, if you just look around
No more hellish scene can there ever have been
Than the spot that they call Portydown