Look ... I don't know what in the name of Jayziz yous'ns is all saying yez're me for!

I am Spartacus!

I'm not Eamonn Holmes. And before they stick their nebs in, I'm not thon mad drug-fiend Derek Bell, not thon salacious wee hoormaster Daniel O'Donnell. And I'm not Big Gino Lupari either! Nor Brush Shiels, nor Rock Stewart, nor Frankie Gavin, nor Tommy Peoples, nor Paddy Keenan, nor Feargal Sharkey, nor Johnny Logan, nor Terry Wogan.

I am Spartacus!

Not Dana.

And not Gloria Hunniford or any of her simpering offspring.

I am not the Reverend William McCrea, nor am I Phil Coulter, Ronnie Drew, Mick Moloney, Dolores Keane, Eileen Ivers or Seamus Cooney. I'm not Sean Keane - neither of them! - and I'm not a Furey.

I am Spartacus!