I suspected that you actually didn't want to find a job...in the sense of the typical everyday "anything" job. That's exactly how I always felt. When you feel that way, it's very unlikely that you will get a job! (since every nerve in your system is trying like hell to avoid doing so...) And if by some freak chance you do get one, it probably won't last too long.

Back in my mostly jobless days, I dreading finding any job that I figured was available to someone like me...not being specifically qualified for anything in particular, except writing songs and singing them (so it seemed, anyway), and not being consistently ambitious enough to handle an entertainment career successfully either. I mostly just wanted the world to leave me alone in my quiet solitude...but the world wants MONEY!

There appeared to be precious few realistic possibilities for me out there, and not one single one I could think of that didn't seem like being in a prison cell.

What a horrible situation. Sometimes I would get so desperate that I would just take any job. I would apply for a job that I figured even someone totally out of the loop could get, like drive a taxi, or pump gas...and I would do it for 6 months maybe till I simply couldn't stand it anymore. This, when I was a person recognized by everyone who knew me to be highly intelligent, well educated, articulate, and talented. As far as they were concerned, I had everything going for me...but I didn't see it that way at all.

There were a host of reasons why I was in that helpless state of mind, and I am not going to recount them all here. It mostly had to do with my family and my growing up experiences...to be brief, I was scrupulously protected from all outward dangers, and kept utterly powerless at the very same time by the two people who raised me. I'm not even sure what happened to the original me that was there at birth. God only knows where he is now. (somewhere inside, but buried how far down?)

I would not wish this experience on anyone. Still, every spirit that comes here knowingly picks certain challenges...I believe that...and ultimately, what you are most afraid of comes looking for you every day of your life, and it chases you around endlessly until you either stop running away from it...or you die.

I sure found that out enough times, and it ain't over yet either...I still run away sometimes, though I ought to know better by now.

Fear is the one great enemy of life. This world is full of people who would rather die little by little, piece by piece, through avoidance, denial, delay, and retreat, than face their most familiar fears head on and do what must be done, and I've been one of those people on more than a few occasions. It sure is a waste of good potential!

One saving grace though...when a REAL emergency arises, people often find strength and courage they never knew they had...and that indicates that there is a deeper wisdom alive in them that is not willing to just lie down and die. (The mind is a coward, but the soul is filled with boundless heroism.)

I've had that experience too a few times, and it's nature's most effective wake-up call. I look forward, in a sense, to the next time it happens...although I'm not exactly out looking for it, given the fact that I enjoy comfort as much as the next person.

- LH