Take some measure of comfort in this-- I have counseled many, many people who have retained memories of something (usually someONE) positive very early on, that has sustained them through all the most awful things you can imagine, that happened at the same time (or later). They recovered these memories in the counseling process, and were able to spot how those early infusions of goodness had actually been holding them up, though unremembered, ever since. It made a reference point against which they measured relationships later.... it made a streak of healthfulness that kept hope alive even when logic left none.... it made a magnetic north inside them, that drew them onwards, towards more of that same kind of goodness, all their lives.

That's what you gave this young one. The choice to tend toward the good, and a taste for what that is like, that he will never really lose. All of that. And it takes a lifetime for it all to unfold and be manifested. You can't see it now because it unfolds so slowly-- in each moment you can only see a little tiny bit if it, the edge of a long ribbon unfolding from a tight, dense place. To see it in the moment, you have to have faith that it's there, and then look real, real hard. As you look back you see more and more of it, and sometimes with people I care about deeply, I think I can hear the rustle of that flowing, unfolding, invisible ribbon.

Every bit of good we can soak up, especially very early, is so much more powerful than we dream, or even than we hope. I think it's why this race is still on the planet, because Lord knows the bad outweighs the good if you look at sheer volume. But every moment you spent with this little one will be an unfolding blessing, his whole life long. I know it hurts too much to be purely and joyously thankful about it, right now. I'm giving thanks, right now, for both of you, that you had so MANY of those moments.

~Susan