Hi CS.........You are a "veteran" foster parent. Right now you are indeed hurting so badly that your heart has taken over your mind (a common failing) and you have forgotten a few things I'm sure you know. The first is that Fostering is a job and often a painful one. For any real vet, there is always one case, one child, that hurts so bad that we forget the "job" aspect of what we do and are ready to kill someone.....somehow.....somewhere (ours was named Miranda).

We are vets ourselves and were even recognized on several occasions by being named the Top Foster/Adoptive Family in the State. I got a good idea where you "are" right now.

Let me remind you of a positive thought or two that won't make it hurt less today, but will make it hurt less over the next few weeks, months, and years. The first year of a child's life is the most formative and important. You have given Axel a fine start and one he would not have had otherwise. You may never see the end result of this, but rest assured he is better off for it. My son Michael came to us at 9 months of age and I won't go into his first 9 months but to say they were horrendous. As he entered school age it was obvious that he had lost a year of his life and we held him back. He's making that time up now in spades but many things about him are a result of that first year. Axel has a leg up!

BTW, we worked hard with Michael's bio-mother for 18 months for a reunification, but when that wasn't happening we aggressively pursued and got permanent custody and then adoption. Try not to think so much of the "ineffective social worker" angle and more about the law. I am not familiar with the UK, but in the states, the laws are changing because many of us have been fighting, sometimes with painful losses, to change the custody and adoption laws. As long as the law still views children as chattel, we will conyinue to have problems. Maybe you want to take on the law huh? It's a nasty and mean fight here, but we (and the kids) are winning. Probably won't happen totally to our satisfaction real soon, but we're making great progress. It doesn't make it easier this time, but sometime, somewhere, someone down the road will NOT go through what you are because you got involved and helped to change the laws for the better.

And, since you're a vet, how about thinking back to some of those kids who you couldn't wait to see leave! C'mon now, if you've done this a lot, you know of at least one where the whole family, foster kids, adopted kids, bio kids, your wife, and you had a huge party when someone left! We had two that way. One was an infant that was with us for 9 months along with 6 other assorted kids. This child cried constantly....no, make that screamed all the time. We were ALL worn to a frazzle and when Joey went home we all had a literal party! We had two sisters, aged 8 and 10 who loved babies and all, but they were completely "fried" after Joey!

I wish we could talk personally CS, as typing doesn't begin to get through what I want to talk about with you. I think we could share some other war stories, both good and bad. The hurt wouldn't go away but maybe we'd make it a little lighter together. That's something we esttablished through our agency....a "Buddy" system of sorts so that there was less the feeling of being alone at times like this......an empathetic ear to rant to....it helped a lot. Maybe you ought to try to set something like that up with your agency/foster parent group?

One other thing......With one of our kids we maintained a visitation with us during the transition which went on for 6 months. It helped her and it also helped her parent a lot AFTER we sold her on the idea that it was definitely in the child's best interest and wrote it in as part of the case plan. This parent eventually did do a decent job and both the child and her Mom still drop by and see us occasionally. We were able to do this because we worked really tightly with our caseworkers. On two occasions I had a caseworker changed because I couldn't work with them. Get real tight with your agency and be aggressive and positive in the bests interests of the child and you CAN get things your way sometimes.

I'm still a Foster Trainer working with new Foster/Adoptive families. It's kinda' my job to remove their rose-colored glasses and smash the hell out of them. It's a great job but it's not for everyone because if you are doing it right, it's far too painful. Remember that if you make the tiniest bit of positive difference in a kid's life, you have had success........I know that's hard to remember sometimes. In the case of Axel, you have had a hundred times, maybe a thousand times more positive influence on his life than you will probably ever have a chance to do with any other foster child you will ever have or have had! Most foster folks can't come up with anything that good at all.

It will get better.......you know that. But damn ain't it a real SOB at the moment............

Spaw