THE NEW-STYLE CROFTER'S SONG
I M Christie (of Portree, Isle of Skye, Scotland)
tune "Road to the Isles"

All the way from Brighton, Kensington and Aldershot we've come,
And we want to buy a cottage here in Skye,
With at least a hundred acres and a view of Eigg and Rhum,
And seclusion, for we're really rather shy.

chorus Electricity and gas we want, with water from the mains,
Easy access from the nearest motorway,
With connections to the telephones and to the sewage drains,
And a Gaelic name that's not too hard to say!

The house must be authentic as a Hebridean croft,
Central heating from the peats upon the fire,
With the space for a solarium and sauna in the loft,
Fitted carpets in the stable and the byre.

To keep our poodles company, we'll breed Jersey cows and goats;
We'll make money selling buttermilk and cheese!
From the Highland Board we'll get a grant to make wee plastic boats;
And to titled friends we'll offer B and B's.

If it's going cheap, we'll buy and put a flagpole on the roof
Upon which whe'll hang a great big Union Jack
Which we hope will keep the natives in their place and give them proof
That old England's days of Empire have come back!