Two versions both by same author, Les Barker no less.
Seperated by some ten years or so, I would guess, and I hopes as 'ow yer can unnerstand t' northern dialect
DECK OF CARDS (first version) I remember, when I were a lad, p'raps six year owd, we used to 'ave to go to chapel every Sunday mornin', all poshed up in us best clothes, an' we couldn't swing round lamp posts nor play football nor splash one another in't puddles nor nowt; an' then after chapel, there were Sunday school; an' it were right dull. Except for one mornin' as I remember; owd Arkwright were readin' away from t'bible as usual, an' all of a sudden, 'e stopped. Stopped dead, like. All amazed; 'e were starin' at back o' t' room, an' everybody followed 'is gaze, an' there at t' back o' t' room, were a lad, all bright red in t' face, an' in 'is 'and were a pack o' cards.
Owd Arkwright said: "Eyup, lad: what's tha doin' wi' them cards?"
An' t' lad looked all embarrassed for a minute, an' then blow me if 'e didn't come out wi' all this lot:
"Well, Mr Arkwright," 'e said, cool as a sausage dog in t' snow, 'e said:
"Well, Mr Arkwright, when I looks at 't ace, I thinks o' one night last week wi' big Elsie Forshaw from down t' road. Not 'arf."
"An when I looks at 't two, I thinks o' t' two stomachs of 'arf a cow"
"An when I looks at 't three, I thinks o' three other nights last week wi' big Elsie Forshaw from down t' road."
"An when I looks at t' four, I thinks o' t' number of trotters on a pig"
"An when I looks at t' five, I thinks o' t' number of trotters on a pig an a another one we got in t' cupboard from last Fridays tea"
"An when I looks at t' six, I think o t' number of bananas in 'arf a dozen"
"An when I looks at t' seven, I thinks o' seven fluid ounces o' Domestos"
"An when I looks at t' eight, I think o' the eight stomachs o' two cows"
"An when I looks at t' nine, I thinks o' number nine, Glodwick Road"
"An when I looks at t' ten, I thinks o' most o' a football team"
"An when I looks at t' Jack, I thinks o' my mate Jack, oo's a loony"
"An when I looks at t' Queen, I thinks o' t' nights I've spent in t' Queens Arms pub"
"An when I looks at t' King, I thinks o' King Norman the Ninth o' Lower Saxony"
"An when I counts t' four suits, I think o' four dirty weekends wi' Mrs Gladys Prune, oo lives at number nine Glodwick Road"
"An when I counts t' fifty one cards, I thinks o' 'erbert Ackroyd, what pinched t' ten o' spades of us"
"So you see, Mt Arkwright, me pack o' cards reminds me o' all sorts o' stuff;"
"An when I looks at t' Joker, it'll remind me what a bloody fool thars been to listen t' all this rubbish."
Well, that's about the long and short o' it; an' it's true; I knows, 'cos I'm 'erbert Ackroyd, an 'ere's t' ten o' spades!