If You Could Read Behinds, Doc

New words by Genie;  tune:  by  Gordon Lightfoot

If you could read behinds, Doc, what a tale my tail would tell,
Just like an old fart moving, very gauche with a fishy smell.
In a passage dark, with its odor strong and your hands upon my seat,
You read its history.
Perhaps my fate will be revealed
As you survey my sweet posterity.

And if I show you mine, Doc, what a tale its warts could tell,
Just like a Rorschach ink blot in a bus stop toilet stall.
When you reach the part where the short hairs start, a gentleman, please be,
But a hero you need not.
You need not read my tush again,
Because my 'ending's' just too big to take.

I stand there bare like a porno star who gets groped in a three-way script.
Enter number two: your office nurse to view the scene--
She's videotaping all you 'see' in me--
Oh, for God's sake!  Let's get real!
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know why you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

If you could "read behinds," Doc, what a bill of goods you'd sell,
Just like an old-time movie 'bout a con with the ol' 3 shells.
In hospital gown with an open back and hands upon my seat,
I'm being told to bend.
And as you read my stretch-mark lines, you know, well, I'm
just tryin' to understand just where you got this knack.
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know were you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

apostrophes inserted and 'a' added by mudelf ;-)