I had a whole series of crazy messages on my old machine and kept changing them, so my friends wouldn't get bored. Some started calling me just to hear the latest message, since I would change them every week or so. One involved Tarzan and Jane and Cheetah (with authentic chimpanzee hoots and screeches). One involved Inspector Clouseau and Kato in a big karate fight. One involved Sir Snidely Tillinghast on an expedition in the Himalayas, about to snap a photo of the abominable snowman.

The most annoying one of all involved your typical Canadian hoser. It went something like this:

RING! RING! ...Oh, hi...it's, like, me, eh? But I'm not here, eh? Well, actually I am, like, here, eh? But I...like...well, I won't be here when you hear this eh? At least I don't think so... It's like a machine, eh? I mean, I know this sounds like me, and it is me, but it won't be me when you, like, hear it eh, cos it's just a recording of me on this machine, eh? It's an answering machine. So, like, if you wanta get in touch with me, you can, like, wait until the beep, eh? The beep comes after this message, so just wait... So anyway, when you hear the beep you can, like, leave YOUR message and I will play it back later, eh? And then I will maybe call you. Okay, so...are you ready??? Okay, well here comes the beep... BEEP!

I don't think anyone ever listened to the whole thing, except for my friend Mike Latter. He goodnaturedly told me to "F" off. Come to think of it, that one was really good for screening out the people who aren't really all that serious about leaving a message in the first place.

- LH