The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #51249 Message #779760
Posted By: Amos
09-Sep-02 - 12:37 PM
Thread Name: Heard any good ones lately? II
Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
Southern Rules
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know
the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person
as they enter a Southern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the
way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The
big lumps of it . . . they're called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped...by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little 13-inch trout you fish for ... bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever,
and wear your hair long-go right ahead -- but if we call you
ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure
it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
UN-sweetened - add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have quarter of a million dollar combine out in the field
that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still
address our seniors with 'yes sirs' and 'yes ma'am,' and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and
neighbors.
18. We don't do "hurry up" well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways-Interstate 40 goes the
other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them -- then you want
cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup,
and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in
the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're
not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.
You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on
your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all
4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10
fine for beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - "visit."