So many questions, Portlypuss. There's nothing we like more than a wierd session, so just tell us where the surgery is, and we'll play to the aching masses. That should sift out the malingerers.

And it will be an excellent chance for David to air the more poppy tunes from the semenal Cara CD, 'A Slip-Up on the Potty', the thinking child's guide to trainer pants. If howls of derision head him off, he can always fall back on the old favourites on their greatest hits album, 'Aspic beyond the Satay'. These guys do food music better than Commander Cody.

I shouldn't sound so proud about my xenophobic dog, but there's nothing she likes more than sinking her bonty chompers into a Gallic arse.