My Dear Patients,

I do apologise so much for not having attended to your needs in recent days. I know that this must be distressing to you but I hope you will excuse a poor old overworked guitar doctor who has many queing at his humble door.

Dear Mr Colitis,

Yours is a rather serious case I fear. I have noticed these unusual guitars several times and, indeed, people who one can only assume are misguided in some way have covered the soundhole with a greater degree of proficiency in either what appear to be synthetic or caprine-derived materials. I can only assume that they do not like the sound of their guitar and are, in some way, trying to mask its harsh tones.

The fact theat there are only five strings rather implies a manufacturing fault or poor coonstruction or that the instrument builder in question had limited playing abilities him/herself and attempted to build an instrument based upon his or her own capabilities. I suspect that both are true as evidenced by the poor construction that has allowed one of the tuners to slip part of the way up the neck. Overtightening could be a cause, especially if an over-heavy guage low E guitar string has been used.

I have, from time to time, seen some of these instruments and I suggest that it may be worth hanging on to it as a curiosity or curio. Indeed, there appear to be many collectors of such curios appearing these days so, one day, maybe even today if your instrument is vintage or has other "collectible qualities", it may be worth something.

Despite my extensive experience, I have never seen a huitar so, unfortunately, cannot comment on this suggestion. To avoid unfortunate social consequences, I do not recommend that you purchase an accordion. Indeed I have seen that the renowned author Proulx has published an inventory of "accordion crimes" so such an instrument could lead you to a path of infraction or misdemeanour in a worst-case scenario.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar