Mr. Spaw,

Perhaps you have heard of me, Reverend Bernard Anthony Dick (B.A. to my friends). I have traveled the great Southern states and even been to the hell-hole called Ohio. My mission, to warn the youth and everybody else of the evils of masturbation. Yea.

As a visual aid, I always had Mr. Clyde Peters with me on my travels. Clyde came from a good family with high moral virtue. One wonders how a man with good upbringing could sink so low in character. You see, Clyde was a prime example of the evils of masturbation. Yea, he had been seize by the demon of gherkin-jerkin.

During my messages, at a dramatic moment, I would point to Clyde and say, "See for yourselves what weenie whacking can do to a human! Do you want to become this?

Clyde, who by this time was nearly blind, would sit there shaking from muscular degeneration, and would give a weak wave to the crowd, who sat aghast at the sight of his hairy palms. Often, Clyde had to be rushed from the gathering because something or someone would, how shall I say, "excite" him and he would unzip and begin petting his patterson right there in front of everyone, oblivious to anything but his own demanding, but embarassingly small, noodle.

Upon seeing this decadent and debauched display, multitudes, yea, masses would run to the pulpit to renounce this evil and unrelenting demon of super-squirt! Clyde, sickening spectacle that he was, was an integral part in the changing of millions of lives!

Unfortunately, Clyde died.

When news of his death reached one of my beloved "Partners" gave me your name as a possible replacement for Clyde. The Partner assured me that you meet all the criteria.

If interested, please call 1-800-Spewnot

Yours,

Rev. B.A. Dick