Before I could grow a beard myself, I went to the Library Of Congress Archive Of American Folksong (as it was called before they got huffy there at that venerable grand old institution ---- and also before World Music as a genre was invented in the USA by David Amram back in the 1970s)---and there I found some truly authentic, ethnic, traditional and lowdown roots folklore remedies for your bad problem.

If you are unbable to grow a beard:

1) Stand behind a cow that has eaten bran !!! That's how they do it in Southern Illinois----near Cairo.

2) Paint your face with honey and stand in the sun on a hot summer day. The flies and bees will gather on the honey and that will allow you to pass easily as a person with a luxurious beard.

But stay away from bears.

Art Thieme