Her Majesty's Anti-Percussion Forces were today put on red alert as intelligence reports suggested that a number of identified notorious Bodhranii were converging on the Hollydale Tavern and The Anchor in South-East London.

Amongst those thought to be heading towards Nunhead from their temporary base at Drumcree are Ringo McDonagh, Malachy Kearns, Gino Lupari, John Joe Kelly and Cathy Jordon.

A representative of HMAPF was quoted as saying "Not only do we appear to have some of the most notorious batterers in the world converging upon a peaceful part of our fair capital city, but reports indicate that a dangerous new "fast-breeder" device has been developed. This adds up to a most worrying situation."

Newsnight has a special report on this growing menace later tonight.