Well, since I mentioned this unrequited contribution (above) to Garrison Keillor back in 1982 I finally found my verse and chorus, and here are some addition verses contributed from Mudcat members:

Initial verse and chorus by Charlie Ipcar © 1982
Traditional Tune: "Lightning Express"

NO HAIRBALLS IN HEAVEN


Chorus:

There'll be no hairballs in Heaven,
No weariness sorrow or pain,
No claws that are bleeding and broken,
No nights left out in the rain.

We'll be in that beautiful jungle,
With birdies to chase through the leaves,
And mice will be there in abundance,
We'll snatch them whenever we please;
There'll be no Pit Bulls in Heaven,
No German Shepherds nor Chows,
And all will be tuna and salmon,
And cream drawn fresh from the cow.(CHO)

We'll sleep on the softest of pillows,
With Catnip to colour our dreams,
And no one will dare to awake us,
Until we have hatched all our schemes
There'll be no thrown boots in Heaven,
When up on the rooftops we sing
And the door we go out, when it opens
Will always lead out into Spring. (MMario)

The toys will always be fun ones
That scurry and scamper and hide,
With fur we can sink all our claws in,
And good things to eat inside.
When we sharpen our claws on the sofa,
Nobody cares if we shred and tear,
And when WE want to get some attention
A broad lap will always be there. (Lin in KS)

The elm trees grow tall up in Heaven
Just right for a hunter to lie
Stretched out on a branch with his eyes shut
In that home between green grass and sky
With the smells of the earth in his nostrils
And the feel of the bark 'neath his feet,
And the screams and the shrieks of the songbirds
In his ears, making music so sweet. (Lin in KS)

The ladies all will be willing,
The toms will all be debonair,
The kittens will stay safe with Mother
Until they no longer need care.
There'll be no needles in Heaven,
No dogs, no fear, no cars--
ust plenty of catnaps and grooming
And singalongs under the stars.(Lin in KS)

We'll never get bumped off the pillows
Where cat hair galore we can shed
Big Mama will never roll over
Disturbing our nest by her head (Mag)

She'll let us go out at All Hallow's
(She's nervous because we're all black)
We'll cruise with the kids scamming candy
And collect little mice in our sack (Mag)

She'll put back the cat door she took out
Disgusted with what we brought home
Our friends will drop through to visit
Even if we're out on a roam.(Mag)

Though no cat can make it to Heaven
Till all of her nine lives are done,
When you've used your sixth or seventh,
Your Cat Heaven dreams have begun.
There we chase butterflies through the cloud fields,
And claw the celestial walls,
For cats always seek out the highest perch,
And Heaven's the loftiest of all! (Genie)

Cheerily,
Charley Noble