Saw a neat T-shirt on CNN today. It said," War Never Solved Anything.
Except Slavery and Nazism and Fascism.
You all need to lighten up a bit. The following was sent to me in an E-mail.

                        _________________________________

                      THE COW THEORY OF GOVERNMENT

                      DEMOCRAT
                      You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
                      successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
                      forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
                      voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
                      neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

                      SOCIALIST
                      You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
                      neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

                      REPUBLICAN
                      You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So, what's your point?

                      COMMUNIST
                      You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
                      milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

                      CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
                      You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

                      DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
                      You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
                      sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
                      which was a gift from your government.

                      BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
                      You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
                      the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

                      AMERICAN CORPORATION
                      You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
                      IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of
                      four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
                      announcement to the analysts you have downsized and are reducing
                      expenses. Your stock goes up.

                      FRENCH CORPORATION
                      You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You
                      go to lunch. Life is good.

                      JAPANESE CORPORATION
                      You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
                      of am ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to
                      travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their
                      class at cow school.

                      GERMAN CORPORATION
                      You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink
                      lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an
                      hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

                      ITALIAN CORPORATION
                      You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling
                      around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

                      RUSSIAN CORPORATION
                      You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
                      have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42
                      cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop
                      counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th
                      5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over
                      however many cows you really have.

                      FLORIDA CORPORATION
                      You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best
                      looking one. Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote
                      for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some vote for neither.
                      Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of
                      guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

                      NEW YORK CORPORATION
                      You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be
                      the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas.
                      ______________________________________________________________

                  

                     
                     
                      ____________________________________________________________________

                      THE 12 RULES OF LIFE

                      Sometimes we just need to remember what The 12 Rules of Life really are:

                      01) Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

                      02) You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
                      and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

                      03) The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
                      apologize" and "you are right."

                      04) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

                      05) Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

                      06) If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

                      07) Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one
                      year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

                      08) When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
                      eat crow while it's still warm.

                      09) If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

                      10) Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a
                      bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was
                      right about you.

                      11) Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't
                      take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they
                      saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours;
                      it was given to us by God He just let's us borrow it while we're here...even our kids.

                      12) And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never
                      know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. Being happy
                      doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
                      _________________________________________________________________

                      THE FRENCH

                      "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
                      ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

                      In response:Â "As far as France is concerned, you are right."
                      ---Rush Limbaugh
                      Â
                      "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
                      it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
                      ---Mark Twain
                      Â
                      "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
                      --- General George S. Patton
                      Â
                      "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your cello."Â
                      --Norman Schwartzkopf
                      Â
                      "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
                      ---- Marge Simpson
                      Â
                      "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
                      sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
                      Â --- Regis Philbin
                      Â
                      "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
                      better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
                      outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
                      stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of bourbon I don't
                      know."
                      --- P. J O'Rourke
                      Â
                      "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
                      1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
                      face for it."
                      ---John McCain, US Senator from Arizona
                      Â
                      "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
                      hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
                      --Conan O'Brien
                      Â
                      "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
                      Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans
                      out of France
                      ---Jay Leno

                      "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
                      Paris under a German flag."
                      --David Letterman
                      Â
                      How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? Just one.
                      Jacques Chirac holds the bulb and all of Europe must revolve around him.
                      Â Â
                      I believe eBay was auctioning a French military firearm. The description
                      was, "Never fired, dropped once."

                      One final French dilemma. George W. Bush is sitting in the Oval Office. Scientists tell him that they
                      have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They calculate that it will strike France in
                      two days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the
                      face of the earth forever.

                      France and the United Nations request that President Bushy send all available ships and aircraft to
                      help evacuate the country. Many of the ships and planes he could send are being used to fight the war
                      on terror overseas.

                      Dubya must decide. Does he stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or
                      does he tape it and watch it in the morning?

                      Thought for the day: You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best
                      golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and
                      Germany does not want to go to war with anybody.

                     
       troll