 sj |
||
|
||
BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
|
|
|
Subject: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Helen Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:18 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'
Okay, you funghis (fun-guys) - someone has conducted a study to find the world's funniest joke. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Rick Fielding Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:31 AM Good jokes. My all time favourite is this well known musical joke. Two rock fans, one English and one Scottish are listening to an old Rolling Stones album. Mick is singing "Hey you! Get offa my cloud"....when the Scotsman says "That's really an old Scots song you know"? The Englishman seriously doubts this, so the Scotsman says, "It really goes" "HEY MACLEOD, GET OFFA MY EWE"! Cheers Rick |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST Date: 04 Oct 02 - 01:09 AM The mudcat has been upgraded - |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Stilly River Sage Date: 04 Oct 02 - 01:13 AM I prefer the spontanaety of puns, myself. SRS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bob Bolton Date: 04 Oct 02 - 01:25 AM G'day Stilly ..., But, in the words of the man who would eat no bread; "The bun is the weakest form of wheat!". Regard(les)s, Bob Bolton |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Steve Parkes Date: 04 Oct 02 - 06:29 AM Q: Do you know the secret of great comedy? A: N-- Q: Timing! With acknowledgments to Des O'Connor |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Wolfgang Date: 04 Oct 02 - 06:52 AM Dr. Wiseman is famous for his anti-parapsychology work, no wonder he works now on other jokes. One of the results in his new reasearch found by this British researcher was that Germans have about as much humour as British. That shouldn't make his research too popular (in Britain). Wolfgang |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 04 Oct 02 - 06:53 AM The trouble with these "funniest joke" surveys is that they usually end up with a joke that most people find fairly funny, but hardly anyone actually thinks is the funniest joke they know. Thats because we all have such different senses of humour that we find different jokes really funny, while others find the same ones not funny at all. So the best rating tends to go to the mediocre joke that most people give a fairly positive rating to. My favourite jokes at the moments are ones with the following punchlines: "It's driving me nuts" "The peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order" "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and "He's a total cyclepath" If you don't know them, see if you can work out the joke from the punchline. Bagpuss |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: alanabit Date: 04 Oct 02 - 07:03 AM Most German comedy on TV is pretty desperate, but I think the best talent here is in the theatre rather than on the box. It is of course a myth that Germans have no sense of humour. If that was true, I would have been crucified years ago! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: SharonA Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:18 AM I'm from southeastern Pennsylvania, near New Jersey, and around here Pennsylvania hunters have a greater reputation for stupidity than New Jersey hunters. I'm not sure why the joke's originator picked New Jersey except that the state has a long history of being picked on by jokesters. I don't find the joke particularly funny because something quite similar – but more sinister – happened here in southeastern PA not too long ago. A guy who had (he thought) killed his mother called 911 to report the murder, but during the call the woman revived enough to make noises that were clearly heard by the 911 operator and recorded on the tape. The guy finished off his mother while still on the phone with the operator, and the noise of the killing was also recorded on the 911 tape and heard by the operator. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Fat B****rd Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:43 AM "Some b****rd has stolen the tent" "PInnochio !!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bill D Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:18 AM wow!,,,great news!...now that the funniest joke has been identified, researchers can move on to the prettiest painting, the best-smelling perfume, the most poignant folk song.......and......the researcher with the most gall and chutzpah! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Schantieman Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:40 AM Bagpuss, the second one has me flummoxed S |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:48 AM I'll warn you, I'm no good at telling them (especially when the punchline is already known). Its fairly simple, about a man in a pub and goes to buy some cigarettes from the machine and he hears a voice in his ear saying "You F***ing B***ard". He looks around, but can't see who said it. When he gets back to the bar he orders a pint and helps himself to some peanuts on the bar, and hears a voice saying "You're really good looking, you". Again he looks around and can't see anyone who could have said it. he turns to the barman and says - "I think I'm going mad. I keep hearing voices when there is no-one around to say anything" and he recounts what happened. The barman replies, "Oh don't worry about it,.......*insert punchline here*......". Now all *groan* together... Bagpuss |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Coyote Breath Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:05 PM I overheard this joke, told by my uncle Ted, over fifty years ago and I still think it is the funniest I have ever heard. But I'm sure it validates what Bagpuss said. A guy is at a gallery opening. There are four "heroic" sized figures in a group. He stand, amazed looking at it for almost a hour. The first figure's head is bent, his right hand covers his mouth. The second figure stands with his arm outstretched, finger pointing boldly. The third figure is in a combative posture, his fists raised as if to strike. The fourth figure is bent slightly, his head resting on his arm. Sculptor comes up. "Well do you like the group?" he asks. "Yeah, I guess so." "Do you understand it's meaning?" "well, I think so." "Ok, these are representatives of four conditions of mankind. The first is man as thoughtful, contemplative. The second is man looking ahead to the future, boldly showing the way. The third is man, defending himself and all mankind from attack. The fourth is man, humble in all things." "Oh boy did I get that one wrong! I thought it was 'Who sh-t!' 'He did!' 'The son of a bi-ch!' 'I'm sorry!'" Of course, it requires the teller "acts" out the poses. CB |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: mack/misophist Date: 05 Oct 02 - 01:11 AM The world's funniest joke is much too subtle for the kind of people who collect jokes. And it has no punch line, so they would never recognize it. Are you all ready now? It's GEORGE BUSH. What's the matter? Don't you like sick humor? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Helen Date: 05 Oct 02 - 01:30 AM I agree with you both, Bagpuss & Bill D, about pointing the finger at the funniest or most or best or whatever. A wasted exercise really. But, I just thought we'd all like to know which one fell out from the net in this survey. It will be the one joke in the world now that no-one will ever want to hear again. Please enlighten me, Bagpuss about the first and the fourth ones. I know the second one, and you have revealed the third one. Helen |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: John MacKenzie Date: 05 Oct 02 - 03:44 AM What's brown and sticky.........A stick! Why is a duck?.......Because one of its' legs are both the same!! You can tell I like my jokes to be silly, and clean. Failte.....Giok |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Leadfingers Date: 05 Oct 02 - 04:06 AM What about the skeleton who walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Mr Red Date: 05 Oct 02 - 06:07 AM Funniest that is printable and wouldn't have the Chancellor of the University carpetting the researchers for moral torpitude after a year of wallowing in the allegoric latrines. Funniest - even in several patois of English. So puns are out and double entendre is denuded. As some comedian reported on Radio 4 - the funniest jokes are smutty but I am sure he was referring to a generic audience. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Micca Date: 05 Oct 02 - 12:14 PM If you wonder if the Germans have a sense of humour, find a video of a movie called "Schtonk"... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: kendall Date: 05 Oct 02 - 12:26 PM Two very old women playing cards. Number one, "I'm sorry dear, I've known you for years and I simply can't think of your name. What is your name"? Number two, "How soon do you need to know."? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Ireland Date: 06 Oct 02 - 12:11 PM Two of my fellow country men (trying to be pc) went to a drive in cinema, didn't like the movie so they slashed the seats. On the way home they had a crash and paddy got thrown out of the car, the ambulance man said sorry ed your friends dead, no I'm not says paddy, ed says lie down paddy he knows what he' talking about. Anyway the ambulance takes paddy to the hospital and ed decides to follow in a taxi, he jumps into the first taxi he finds and says "Let us drive" (Lettuce dr is in Belfast) the Taxi man say's, way on with ye get in the back like everyone elese. So he jumps in the back and a woman is breast feeding a baby, he says,what are you doing, I'm breast feeding my baby, ed say's catch yourself on it will not eat all that. Old one are the best. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Big John Date: 06 Oct 02 - 05:38 PM The flasher decides to retire and changes his mind. He says, "I think I,ll stick it out for another year". |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Grab Date: 06 Oct 02 - 07:22 PM Funniest one I've heard for a while... A vampire bat comes back to the cave, covered with blood from head to foot. All his mates jump up, shouting, "Wow, well impressive! So much blood! Where did you get that?" "Shut up, I'm knackered, I just want to sleep." "Come on, tell us." "No, get lost." "Go on!" Eventually the bat gives in and says, "OK, follow me." All the bats eagerly follow him as he flies through the forest. He stops in the darkest part of the forest, in front of a tall tree with almost-black bark. "OK, do you see this tree? "Yes, yes!" shout the other bats eagerly. "Good. Because I bloody didn't!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: voyager Date: 06 Oct 02 - 08:06 PM Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: They taste funny. See also - WITZELSUCHT http://www.asu.edu/cfa/art/gallery/hwood/falk.htm |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Helen Date: 07 Oct 02 - 02:30 AM Giok, I learned a silly clean joke from Trevor here at Mudcat and I have been plaguing my friends & enemies with it ever since. *** Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says "Can you smell fish?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Dave Bryant Date: 07 Oct 02 - 05:13 AM I once read a story (I think it was in a sci-fi anthology) about the funniest joke in the world - the problem was that everytime someone worked it out they laughed themselves to death! My favourite, however, shouldn't hurt too much:- A man is walking along the road and suddenly his way is blocked by a funeral proccession. At the head are two hearses which are followed by a man leading a dog, following him a short distance back is a long file of people numbering several hundred. Curious, he asks the man with the dog who's funeral it is. "The first hearse has got my mother-in-law in it - she was a miserable old bag, but the dog bit her and the next day she died". "The next hearse contains my wife - she made a huge fuss and tried to get the dog put down, but it bit her and she died the following day". The first man thought for a while and then asked "Can I borrow your dog for a while ?" "Get in the queue with the rest" it's owner retorted. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Schantieman Date: 07 Oct 02 - 07:13 AM There was a Monty Python sketch about the world's funniest joke. Its inventor died laughing. So did the next people who found it. Eventually they split it up into bits so no-one else would suffer the same fate. The army got hold of it. It was copied out (in bits), translated and read to the enemy (the 'users' couldn't understand it) and proved very effective. You had to be there! Steve |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Fingerbuster Date: 07 Oct 02 - 11:16 AM How about this true storee (sic) The doctor had finished examining me and was writing out a prescription, i pointed out to him that he was trying to write it using a thermometer! He said - well bless me! i wonder which bum has gone off with my pen. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Argenine Date: 07 Oct 02 - 02:24 PM Leadfingers, I love that skeleton joke, too. Hard to say what the funniest one is, of course, but one that nearly made me split my sides laughing was the one about the farm couple with the pig that had only three legs, still wearing a bandage where the missing leg would have been attached. When a guest inquired about why the pig had only three legs, the couple proceeded to tell many stories of the heroic exploits of the pig and how much it had come to mean to them. I'm not going to post the rest of it, because I really think that much of the humor is lost when you read a joke instead of hearing it. But if you don't know this one, ask your friends if anyone knows the one about the farmers' pig that was missing a leg. (Or if you are really creative, maybe you can figure out the punch line, which consists of the farmers' ultimate answer as to why the pig has only three legs.) Arge |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Naemanson Date: 07 Oct 02 - 03:37 PM The pig had saved the lives and the fortunes of the family. When asked the farmer replied, "Well, with a good animal like that, you don't eat him all at once." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Oct 02 - 03:41 PM No, people, no! The world's funniest joke is the Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien. He has announced his impending retirement, so enjoy him while you can... :-) - LH |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: banjoman Date: 08 Oct 02 - 05:36 AM Two Hipopotami were standing together in the middle of the Kalahari Desert when one one turned to the other and said " Funny, I could have sworn it was Tuesday" You have to be really with it to understand the sublety of this one, but it has a similar theme to the Ostrich Joke: " an ostrich arriving home one evening, enters a clearing where a hundred other ostriches have their heads stuck in the sand. "funny" said the first ostrich " Where's everyone gone" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 08 Oct 02 - 06:07 AM Hele: Doctor doctor, I've got a steering wheel where my belly button should be....It's driving me nuts!". The other one is too long for me to type out right noe, but involves a motorway sitting in a pub (??!!), bullying and terrorising all the other roads who come into the pub. But then when a little weedy green road comes in he goes all quiet and says nothing. When asked why he behaved so differently to the little green road, the motorway replies "You don't want to mess with him, he's a comlete cyclepath" Cue more groans |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Trevor Date: 08 Oct 02 - 06:14 AM Man wearing a hospital gown walks into a pub and orders a pint. While he's drinking it he says to the barman 'I shouldn't be drinking this you know, with what I've got'. 'What's that then?' asks the barman. '2p' the man replies. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bullfrog Jones Date: 08 Oct 02 - 06:19 AM Arge, your pig joke reminded me of another farmer joke: A guy's driving along a country road when something flashes past him on the outside. He's astonished to see that it's a chicken, and checking his speedometer, reckons it must be going about fifty miles an hour. The chicken disappears over the horizon and a few minutes later a farm truck pulls alongside and flags him down. 'Have you seen a three-legged chicken pass this way?' says the farmer. 'A three-legged chicken? Where on Earth do you get one of those from?' 'Well' says the farmer, 'Me and the missus and our eldest lad all like a leg when we eat chicken, and to stop any arguing, I bred a new strain of three legged birds.' 'Amazing' says the guy 'What do they taste like?' 'Dunno, ain't managed to catch one yet!' BJ |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Coyote Breath Date: 08 Oct 02 - 12:14 PM I think that jokes should be made a legitimate part of the digitrad. They are more like 'folk' music than a great deal of the music posted there. What few I know come from them having been told to me (which is why I have so few to tell back since my memory for the spoken word is ... ahh, well YOU know!). This is oral tradition! (or in this case written/oral tradition) Not wanting a thread creep, just consider what I'm trying to get accross. CB |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bullfrog Jones Date: 08 Oct 02 - 12:24 PM Good point -- but what I don't understand is why I can remember loads of songs (words and chords) but not jokes. Does it take a particular kind of brain to pulla string of jokes out of the air as opposed to the same number of (usually longer and more complex)songs? BJ |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: hesperis Date: 08 Oct 02 - 12:59 PM Yes, BJ. It does. ...hence no jokes from me. :( |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,noddy Date: 09 Oct 02 - 08:46 AM two men out in the jungle and one gets bitten on a very sensitive area by a snake. His partner calls up for help on the radio,describes the snake and asks what to do. the reply is that the snake is very poisonous and the only way to save his friends life is to cut open the wound and suck out the poison. He returns to his friend who is now very close to death What did they say he asks. Im afraid you are going to die. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,noddy Date: 09 Oct 02 - 10:36 AM massochist Hit Me. Saddist NO |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Fingerbuster Date: 09 Oct 02 - 10:49 AM A white horse walks into a bar and orders a pint, the landlord says " i've got a whisky named after you" the horse says " what --------------- Trigger?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Lyndi-loo Date: 09 Oct 02 - 11:17 AM Two buckets of vomit were walking along the road. Just then one of the buckets of vomit starts to cry. The other one says"Cheer up, why are you so sad?" the crying vomit says "It's this street, it has so many memories for me. You see, I was brought up around here" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 09 Oct 02 - 11:23 AM Just remembered another favourite joke. It loses something in the telling, as I can't do the sound effect here. But it's the one about Darth Vader knowing what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas... . . . . . . . . "I have felt your presents". |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Fingerbuster Date: 09 Oct 02 - 11:46 AM A man and his dog go to an entertainments agency. The agent says; "ok, what do you do then?" The man says " i have here the worlds only talking dog". "lets hear it then" says the agent. "Rover",says the man, "what goes on top of a house"? "roof roof" replies Rover. The agent is not at all impressed. "Rover", says the man, "what is on the outside of a tree"? "Bark bark" says Rover. At this point the agent's patience has expired, he grabs hold of both the man and his dog and proceeds to hurl them down the two flights of steps leading down from his office. Laying in a bruised heap at the bottom of the stairs, Rover lifts his head, looks at his master and says "what the f***s the matter with him then"? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 09 Oct 02 - 11:53 AM A man working in a job centre hears a voice saying "Gis a job". he looks around and can't see anyone. So he puts it down to his imagination. Then he hears it again, "OY, gis a job will ya!". He looks around hime confused. "Down here" says the voice. The man looks down and sees a duck there. "Gis a job" he says. The man is dumbfounded for a second at seeing a talking duck. When he regains the power of speech he says "wait there a second" and goes into his office. The duck waits. The man comes out and says "I have great news for you - I have just been on the phone to Billy Smart's circus. When they heard they was a talking duck here, they offered you a job straight away as an act in their show". The duck says "that's no good..." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I'm an electrician!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Little Hawk Date: 09 Oct 02 - 11:57 AM Ha! Ha! I love waterfowl jokes. Anybody got a good parrot joke? - LH |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bill D Date: 09 Oct 02 - 12:17 PM all Parrot jokes are BAD jokes(as in naughty)...and all known Parrot jokes have been posted here at one time or another... my interest is in the amazing differences in what people consider "funniest" jokes! It says a lot about you, what you laugh at.....and why people don't hone their jokes carefully instead of just reducing them to a bare outline with little attention to wording, timing, detail and relevance......folks, go listen to some old George Burns or Buddy Hackett tapes!...POLISH that humor! Now, the talking dog joke up there ^ is well done, though it is not how I heard it....in another version, the agent listens to the dog say "bark, bark" and "roof, roof" etc, and gets VERY irate, telling the guy he is wasting time, those are "setup" lines and will fool no one! "But," says the man," it's just a wonder the dog talks at all!" Now this punch line is used at my house as a 'reference' line to refer to ANY situation where someone tries to fake their way thru a situation or palm off a weak solution to a problem.... (In thinking it over, I think the "what the f***ks the matter with him" may be a bit funnier...though not as subtle....) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Coyote Breath Date: 10 Oct 02 - 02:23 AM Woman is talking to her friend who is bruised, has a cut on her lip, her blouse is torn. Sez: "Why do you stay with that sadist?" her friend answers: "Beats me!" CB |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 10 Oct 02 - 06:34 AM A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The egg turns to the chicken and says "Well I guess that solves that mystery". Two parrots are standing on a perch. One parrot says to the other one "Can you smell fish?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Bagpuss Date: 10 Oct 02 - 06:50 AM Sorry Helen, I missed you telling the perch joke before |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Schantieman Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:14 AM So Paddy goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says to him, "Before I give you a job I need to find out what you know about building." "Fair enough," says Paddy, "fire away." "Right," says the foreman, "first of all, can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Ah, well," replies our friend, "that's a tough one, to be sure." [no racial stereotyping here!] "Let me t'ink now....joist....girder....joist...... AH! I have it!" says he. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joyce wrote 'Ulysses' and Goethe wrote 'Faust'! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Foe Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:16 AM A blond is walking beside a river. She looks across and see another blond across on the other bank. She shouts over, "How do I get to the other side." The second blond looks up and down the river and then shouts back, "You are on the other side." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Schantieman Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:16 AM ...and the only other Irish joke I know which doesn't depend on their mythical lack of intelligence is this: Why are the Irish the richest people in the world? . . . . . . . . . . . . Because their capital is always Dublin. Wah wah wah! Steve |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: wysiwyg Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:40 AM Dunno if you've seen these examples of snappy comebacks.... ~S~ Don't mess with these ladies A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Let's go for stupid A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Caught for speeding The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Stuck under a bridge A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple." Dealing with trouble A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest." Too Late The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Jimmy C Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:59 AM "A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. Jimmy |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Noddy Date: 10 Oct 02 - 11:43 AM A man comes home from work unexpectedly and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. He grabs his shot gun and aims it at his friends privates. In desperation his friends calls out "we have been friends for years we played together at school .I stooped that bully beating you up in the play ground. Doesnt that mean anything.Give me a chance." "Okay then".he replies "Swing them". |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Noddy Date: 10 Oct 02 - 11:51 AM thens theres the Irishman who thought that Hertz van Hire was a Dutch international footballer. That Runcorn Bridge was a game of cards. That Manchester United were a football team. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,Noddy Date: 10 Oct 02 - 12:01 PM Santa was having a realy hard time of it trying to get things ready for Christmas. He had got this massive list of toys and things from all the kids who were good ,Mobile phones , DVD players , Computers ,X box, Bikes, all the usual things and more besides. However delivery of the good to Santaland was slow, the Elves were on a go slow, the dwarves wanted equal pay with the trolls and were refusing to work .everthing was going wrong. The reindeer were complaining the sledge was too heavy . Oh Santa was in a mood Eventualy he got round to all the kiddies it was a long hard night . He was exhausted. As he sat down to have a long awaited large Single malt there was a knock at the door. He opened it and standing there was a Fairy with a Christmas tree "What shall I do with This Santa?" asked the fairy. And thats why we have a fairy at the top of the christmas tree. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: GUEST,noddy dont stop me I am on a roll Date: 10 Oct 02 - 12:04 PM I dont care what star you are following get those f####ing camels out of my garden. I dont care who you are get those reindeer off my roof. I dont care who your dad is you can not bring that cross in here. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Maxine Date: 10 Oct 02 - 03:57 PM A woman holding her baby, gets on to a bus. The bus driver says "My God, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. It really is hideous". The poor woman is understandably upset, and when she sits down, she says to the man sitting next to her, "that driver was really rude to me". The man says "Well, don't let him get away with it, go and say something to him, I'll hold your monkey"! Sorry. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: EBarnacle1 Date: 10 Oct 02 - 04:24 PM Many years ago, I was helping a friend move about six blocks in Manhatten in the middle of the night. The 100 year old rubber tree would not fit into the car, so we put it on a dolly and proceeded to his new apartment. About half way there, a police car stopped and asked what we were doing. After sizing up the officer, I commented that we were walking my friend's rubber tree. The officer asked why. I explained that the tree was 100 years old and incontinent. As a result, if we didn't walk it regularly, it would make a mess on the floor. After he got done laughing, the officer waved us on. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Teribus Date: 11 Oct 02 - 09:16 AM There's always the one about Jesus and the Glaswegian Irishman with a bad leg enters a bar and sits down on a stool at the bar, he painfully hefts his bad leg onto the foot rest and orders a whisky. Looking down the bar he notices someone else sitting down the end of the bar. He calls the barman over and asks, "That guy sittin' down the end of the bar - is that Jesus?". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Irishman then says, "In that case would you get him a large whisky on me". The barman gives Jesus the whisky and Jesus nods at the Irishman. Just then an Italian with an extremely distorted spine walks into the bar and sits down beside the Irishman. He orders a glass of Chianti. The Irishman taps him and points towards Jesus. The Italian calls the barman over and asks, "That guy sittin' down the end of the bar - is that Jesus?". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Italian then says, "In that case would you get him a glass of Chianti on me". The barman gives Jesus the Chianti and Jesus nods at the Italian. just then a Glaswegian enters the bar and sits down beside the Irishman and the Italian. He orders a pint of Lager. The irishman and the Italian tap him on the elbow and point towards Jesus. The Glaswegian calls the barman over and asks, "See youse is that God's boy doon yonder, yye ken yon Jesus". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Glaswegian then says, "In that case would youse get him a pint o' lager on me". The barman gives Jesus the lager and Jesus nods at the Glaswegian. Jesus finishes up his drink, nods to the barman and makes his way up the bar to the door. He stops by the Irishman and lays his hand on the Irishmans shoulder and says, "Thanks for your kindness and hospitality, you are cured." The Irishman jumps up from the stool, his leg is as good as new and he does an irish jig out of the door. Jesus then stops by the Italian and lays his hand on his shoulder and says, ""Thanks for your kindness and hospitality, you are cured." The Italian gets off his stool, straightens his back and does a series of back-flips out of the door. Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian, who jumps off his stool and says, "Keep yer han's tae yersel' Am oan Disability Allowance." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Steve Parkes Date: 15 Oct 02 - 08:18 AM Roy Hudd, veteran British comic and respected authority on the Music Hall, was on tv last night. He said his favourite joke (and he must have heard them all!) is: "Butcher, give me tow pork chops, and make them lean." "Certainly madam--which way?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Steve Parkes Date: 15 Oct 02 - 08:18 AM Ahem ... that's two pork chops ... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Trevor Date: 15 Oct 02 - 09:29 AM What goes 'ooooooooooo'? A cow with no lips! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Amos Date: 15 Oct 02 - 11:54 AM I've always enjoyed reflecting on the story of the man who was half (insert preferred stupid minority here) and half Italian.... who made himself an offer he couldn't understand. It seems to me this joke reflects on the moron in all of us. Other favorites: "Well, ma'am, I used to thing I was a real cowboy, but now I think I'm a lesbian!" and "Sheep LIE!" and "Adios, Muddahfuggah!" What's really wonderful is the range and depth of humnaity's efforts to make itself laugh -- it really is a very deep art form. A |
|
Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified From: Coyote Breath Date: 16 Oct 02 - 01:19 AM Do any of you suppose Usama Bin Laden has a favorite joke? Anyone care to speculate as to what it might be? Should this be a seperate thread Joe Offer? CB |