Lyr Add: The Ballad of Knocking Nellie

Subject: Lyr Add: THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLIE
From: GUEST,The Fantum
Date: 12 Jan 03 - 10:47 AM

THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLIE
Written by Bernard Wrigley, better known as the Bolton Bullfrog

Gas man, coal man, water board, and bloke who mends the telly,
They're all the same to Harold's wife, the famous Knocking Nellie.
She handles all her creditors. For years she's had no bills,
But of Harrys, Joes and Teddy boys, I know she gets her fill.

Last week when Harold's out at work, she's upstairs with a bloke.
He's a football pools collector and he's Nellie's latest poke.
She's got his vest and trousers off. She's asking him for more,
But then she hears her husband dear come walking in the door.

She bungs her lover in wardrobe door and then she shouts, "Oh, crumbs!"
For hanging out of the wardrobe door were the pools collector's plums.
Then Harold he came up the stairs and says, "Now, hello, dear.
The boss gave me the day off work—and what's these dangling here?"

Well Nellie's seen this all before and a very good tale she tells:
"For I've just been out shopping and I've bought these couple of bells,
But they're not of the ringing kind. In fact, they're just a joke."
So Harold lifts his finger up and gives the bells a poke.

Now Harold keeps on poking and agrees the bells are dead,
And the bloke inside the wardrobe's going a funny shade of red.
Harold said the bells'll ring if he hits them with a hammer,
And Nellie sitting on the bed can hardly raise a stammer.

Now Harold clouts 'em once or twice but still the bells won't ring.
Then he raises up his hammer just to have one final swing.
He swore to make the bells go "ding". By George, he wasn't wrong,
For bloke inside the wardrobe cried, "For Christ's sake, ding, ding, dong!"


There are two more songs about knocking Nellie which are truly disgraceful and luckily I don't know them. However Bernard Wrigley has a web site and has written a book with these songs included so a visit is a must for lovers of humour.

The Fantum

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Ballad of Knocking Nellie
From: Charley Noble
Date: 12 Jan 03 - 10:56 AM

Refreshing!

Subject: Lyr/Tune/Chords Add: The Knocking Nelly Trilogy
From: Joan from Wigan
Date: 12 Jan 03 - 11:25 AM

Here's the words, chords and tune out of the songbook (slightly different in places to Guest Fantum's words above):

THE KNOCKING NELLY TRILOGY
(Bernard Wrigley)

Part One: THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLY

[G]Gasman, [D7sus]coalman, [C]water [G]board or the [C]bloke who [D7sus]mends the [G]telly
They're all the [D7sus]same to [C]Harold's [G]wife, the [C]famous [D7sus]Knocking [G]Nelly
She [D]handles all her [G]creditors, for [A7]years she's had no [D]bills
But of [G]Harrys, [D7sus}Roys and [C]teddy [G]boys I [C]know she [D7sus]gets her [G]fill

Last week when Harold's out at work she's upstairs with a bloke
He's the football pool collector and he's Nelly's latest poke
She's got his vest and trousers off, she's asking him for more
But then she hears her husband dear come waltzing through the door

She bungs her lover in the wardrobe door, and then she shouts "Oh crumbs"
For dangling out the wardrobe door were the pool collector's plums
Then Harold he comes up the stairs and says "Now hello dear
The boss gave me the day off work ... and what's these dangling here?"

Well, Nelly's seen this all before and a very good tale she tells
For "I've just been out shopping and I've bought these couple of bells
But they're not of the ringing kind, in fact they're just a joke"
So Harold lifts his finger up and he gives the bells a poke

Now Harold keeps on poking and agrees the bells are dead
And the bloke inside the wardrobe's going a peculiar shade of red
Harold says the bells'll ring if he clouts 'em with his hammer
And Nelly sitting on the bed can hardly raise a stammer

Harold smacks 'em once and twice but still the bells won't ring
He raises up his hammer then to have one final swing
He'd sworn to make the bells go 'ding', by George he wasn't wrong
For the bloke inside the wardrobe shouts "For Christ's sake - DING DING DONG"

Part Two: KNOCKING NELLY AND THE SIXTY NINER

I've heard some say the tales of Nelly are both coarse and shocking
But you must agree it's plain to see how she got the nickname 'Knocking'
She served out her apprenticeship, she took on large and small
In taxis, dustbins, passing cars, and behind the Palais wall

Last week she meets a foreign bloke, from gay Paree he hails
Though Nelly guessed his accent was from somewhere North of Wales
He took her to the pictures and he starts to wine and dine her
So she promises that afterwards they'd have a sixty-niner

The French bloke ponders "Sixty nine?" And thinks "What can zis be?"
He counts his toes and fingers but gets stuck at thirty three
"Perhaps zis is ze number where she lives ... Or else of course
She's speaking in Norwegian, for her face is like a Norse"

When they get back to Nelly's place she says "Let's have some fun
Forget that in the car just then, we've only just begun"
She rips her tights and bloomers off, and likewise Pierre's too
Then says "Get in position now, I'll show you what to do"

But as they lie upon the bed a pain befalls our Nelly
The meal was free, she ate too much, now there's wind inside her belly
She moves her legs to ease the pain but then to her surprise
The wind it breaks and Pierre gets it right between the eyes

She brings him round with smelling salts, she very nearly blew it
But there was more in store for him if Pierre only knew it
Not only did her wind act up while locked in the next embrace
But she'd eaten so many peanuts that she'd pebble-dashed his face

"Oh pardon me" our Nelly says "You must think the worst of me"
And Pierre's clearly wishing we hadn't joined the EEC
No sooner were they back again when a mighty sonic boom
Had blown Pierre from off the bed twelve feet across the room

He slumped down in the corner feeling like a busted welly
He propped himself on his elbows then, and looked across at Nelly
She moved to speak but Pierre gasped and shouted out "Oh please
How can you expect me to stand another sixty-six of these?"

Part Three: KNOCKING NELLY AND THE MOTHMAN

Now Nelly's had some real close shaves I've told you about before
Like the trouble with the pool collector's nuts and the wardrobe door
And Pierre, who had trouble counting up to sixty nine
She certainly could give a bloke a memorable time

A couple of weeks ago her husband had to work away
Picture Harold waving Nelly off at break of day
As soon as he was out of sight she's on the telephone
Ringing up old flames to tell them that she's all alone

So Billy Jones came round to her house, quickly as he could
By day he's the local chimney sweep, by night the local stud
Says Nelly "That was quick", says Billy "I don't hang about
It's urgent when a lady says her flues need cleaning out

This is much more civilised than in the pub back yard
I'll play you at strip poker, but forget about the cards"
They reached the bed in seconds, their clothes all over the floor
And were so engrossed they never heard the opening front door

Then Harold's voice rings out "Oh coo-ee Nell, it's only me
I've gone and left some things behind - now what a silly b."
"Oh Jesus Christ" says Billy "Where is there to hide?"
He sees the open bathroom door and chucks himself inside

"I've left my shaving kit behind" says Harold "What a drag
My memory's gone, it's just as well my balls are in a bag"
But Nelly isn't laughing, her jaw just hit the floor
She's realised that Harold's heading for the bathroom door

Harold sees his shaving stuff and then hears somebody wheeze
It came from in the shower and was followed by a sneeze
He looks inside and sees this naked bloke, to his surprise
Who lifts his hand and smacks the wall as if he's swatting flies

"Mornin' guv" the bloke then says "Quite warm for the time of year"
He thwacks the wall again, just to the right of Harold's ear
"I work for the council - a moth catcher by trade
Your wife reported hordes of them were starting to invade"

Harold looks him up and down and says "I know it's warm
But a council chap should surely wear some sort of uniform"
The bloke looked down in horror and shouted "Stone the crows!
Those sodding moths have gone and eaten all my frigging clothes!"

X:1
T:Knocking Nelly
M:4/4
K:G
g2g2f2g2|e2gd3BB|c2A2d2c2|BG3z2g2|
g2g2f2g2|egzd3zB|c2A2dc3|BG3z3G|
A2B2c2zA|B2c2d3d|e2fg3e2|f4z2dd|
gg3f3g|eg2d3zB|c2A2d2d2|G4z4||

These songs, and many more, are in the book "Wrigley's Writings" (Landy Publishing, 1999, ISBN 1 872895 49 2). Bernard's website is here.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Ballad of Knocking Nellie
From: GUEST,the fantum
Date: 12 Jan 03 - 01:52 PM

Dear Joan from Wigan
I'm shocked
Amused tho

Fantum

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Ballad of Knocking Nellie
From: Joan from Wigan
Date: 12 Jan 03 - 02:23 PM

Dear Fantum
I long ago ceased to be shocked by bawdy humour - the tradition is full of it, albeit not quite so explicit as the modern variety...

Joan