Jokes about Musicians

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Hrothgar
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 08:43 AM

Why do drummers go around in threes?

They think one's playing melody, one's paying harmony, and the other's playing percussion.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: croc
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 05:05 PM

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Gypsy
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 07:24 PM

This is a refresh for Just Amy. And thought we could use a little humour right now, anyway. At least, i could.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 07:32 PM

There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
It's all part of our oral tradition.

-- Overheard at Pinewoods some years ago

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Justa Picker
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 03:02 PM

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq.

The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes."

Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal.

He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life.

At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed.
"What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: BobP
Date: 05 Jul 01 - 12:56 PM

Once upon a time Art Thieme was on his way to a gig when he heard a strange noise under the hood.

He slowed down and the noise stopped, so okay he thought, but then cars were passing him and he was worried about going so slow.

On his CB, it them days, he picked up a conversation and it turned out to be Al and Bobby Unser who were right on his rear and late for their next race.

Art picks up the mic, explains his problem and asks why they don't pass.

They respond that they tend to drive cautiously because public roads are so scary; and rarely pass, preferring not to draw attention or send a bad messages to their fans.

Then, they offered to help.

At the next rest stop Al checks under the hood and discovers a package of pastrami causing the problem.

Art, it turned out, put it there to heat for lunch and had forgot about it.

So he sang a few tunes and they all enjoyed sandwiches and then headed back to the road.

They waved so long as they pulled out passing Art who was still packing up his guitar.

Out on the highway Art picks up a new conversation and recognizes the voices . . .

"That Thieme fellow's okay; can't say much for his pastrami, but as a folksinger, he's unserpassed. Ohhhhhhnoooooo!!!!!! punsterpunishment

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: THE KID
Date: 05 Jul 01 - 10:59 AM

WHAT HAS FOUR BALLS AND SIX LEGS?

A- PETER, PAUL AND MARY

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 09:23 PM

True story: At a jazz gig one evening, during a break, a cowboy-looking guy with slicked hair, Levi's, fringed leather jacket and boots comes up to the bandstand carrying a guitar case and asks if he can sit in. The piano player/bandleader isn't too enthused and sort of sneers down his nose at the guy. He tells him, "We don't play much Country!"

Well, it's a slow evening and there aren't more than a dozen people in the place so the other bandmembers prevail upon the bandleader to let the guy play. The piano player grudgingly agrees. Well, the guitar player plays like Joe Pass! Absolutely cuts the piano player and plays him under the table. The rest of the band members are having a great time playing with a great musician when, after about three tunes, he makes a move to get up and put his guitar away to leave. "Why do you wanna leave?" the piano player asks. "I guess you'all don't play much jazz, either!"

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Jenny
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 06:53 PM

Did you hear about the folk singer who won the lottery?

He just kept on being a folk singer until it was all gone.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Jenny
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 06:52 PM

Child "When I grow up I want to be a folk singer" Mother "You can't do both dear"

What is the difference between a folk singer and a pension plan? One of them matures and makes money.......

How do you know when there's a banjo player/drummer (insert most loathed instrument) at the door? He hasn't got a key and he doesn't know when to come in.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 06:46 PM

I couldn't be at the last Mocha cafe open mike so a friend took over the MC duties for me. He started with a few jokes, picking particularly on drummers. Then he announced the first act and two guys came up with African drums. They settled themselves, got the mikes adjusted, and one looked out into the crowd and said, "Did you hear of the MC who told too many drummer jokes? He had to visit the proctologist after the show.!"

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 06:42 PM

I just heard this one today!

Did you hear of the bass player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break a window to get the drummer out.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: vectis
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 06:40 PM

What do you call an empty seat on a coach full of banjo players driving over a cliff?
A total waste of space

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Chip2447
Date: 04 Jul 01 - 01:14 AM

Another definition of perfect pith....When you toss the Bagpipes into the dumpster and crush an accordian.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Les from Hull
Date: 03 Jul 01 - 10:21 AM

The drummer in a moderately successful rock band is feeling fed up. He's making as much money as the rest of the guys but nobody notices him behind all those cymbals and things. So he's getting no groupie action.

Determined to change this, he marches into a shop. 'Gimme a red vintage Strat, the biggest Marshall stack you've got and a couple of dozen of those effects things,' he demands.

'What do you want all that for, you're a drummer aren't you?' says the shopkeeper.

'How did you know that?' says the drummer.

'This is a greengrocers!' says the shopkeeper.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Jul 01 - 08:44 AM

Q. How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door?

A. The knocking keeps getting louder and faster.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: P05139
Date: 23 Aug 00 - 08:16 AM

Found in Reader's Digest!

Q: What do you call a folk musician who takes out a mortgage?

A: An optimist!

SORRY!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 06:09 PM

Question: Why do banjo players bathein the kitchen sink?

Answer: Where else would you wash a vegetable?

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 04:51 PM

Joke FOR musicians.

Cat on the wall outside: Meeeooooww, rowwwlllll Meeeaaaooooowwwwww!

Sleepy guy out of window: Scat, cat!!

Cat: Scriddly do bap bap bah!

LTS

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Carol
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 04:19 PM

Once upon a time there was a prty of asterisk so they were all happy and smiling. Suddenly a perriot come and all the asterisks started starring at him.He realized tha they were gonna fight with him....Then he said: hi guys1 aren't you recoganizing me? It's me.. I've gel on me! ahhahahahahhahaha!! isn't it funny!!??? carol

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 08:15 AM

It's true. A horn player must play whatever the band leader gives him but the guitar player can take his pick.

troll

doesn't work if you call a pick a plectrum. A rose by any other name is not funny.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Rollo
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 08:02 AM

Nice story about Duke Ellington and Fletcher Henderson, conductor of another big band and greatest competitor to the duke:

On evening Duke Ellington found that he had by accident accepted two engagements in two cities, distance some hundred miles. Fletcher Henderson saved the day: Duke Ellington played with Henderson's orchestra, Fletcher Henderson conducted Duke Ellington's orchestra, so both dance halls were satisfied.

Afterwards everyone said Duke Ellington's orchestra had been better than ever this evening...

another nice little story is about dizzy gillespie. He started as a jazz drummer, but decided to change the instrument. The reason: everytime the gig was over and he had stowed away the drum set, the other band members had allready engaged with the beauties and he stayed alone that night.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 08:11 AM

Explosive, Bud!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:39 AM

What's semtex?

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Harold Ingledew
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 07:06 PM

A man goes into a bar in Belfast with a large plastic carrier bag.

Hold on said the barman, what have you got in that bag.

Twenty pounds of semtex said the man.

Jesus said the barman, that's OK. For one moment I thought it was a bodhran.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Harold Ingledew
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 07:02 PM

What have a bodhran solo and premature ejuaculation got in common.

You know exactly what is coming but you can't do anything about it!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 04:53 PM

I went to a party the other day, but got very drunk and left my banjo behind.

The following day I called round to retrieve the banjo, but couldn't remember which house the party had been in. I knew which street, and the fact that the toilet was golden, so I started knocking on doors.

'Do you have a golden toilet?' I asked each householder.

After three unsuccessful attempts to find my beloved banjo, I met with this response:

'So YOU'RE the pillock who crapped in my euphonium!'

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Maurice
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 04:33 PM

I just realised that I meant to say "bodhran" and not "bodhran player", but it works either way if your not squeamish!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Maurice
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 04:28 PM

Q; What's the difference between a bodhran player and an onion?

A; When I cut an onion, I shed tears.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From:
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 03:37 PM

Q: Why is a viola bigger than a violin? A: Actually, it just looks that way 'cause the violinist's head is bigger!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From:
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 03:36 PM

Q: So what did the fiddler say to the contradance caller? A: You want me to start this one off too fast or too slow?

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: hesperis
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 01:06 AM

Okay, here's another joke about brass players...

So one night, this girl goes out with a Trumpet player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, he really couldn't kiss and he thought he was like, soooo good, you know?"


So the next night, she goes out with a Tuba player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"No."
"Well, why not?"
"Oh, those thick, floppy lips! Ugh! He totally slobbered all over me, it was disgusting!"


So the next night, she goes out with a Trombone player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a great time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"Um, well, no."
"Oh, let me guess, he couldn't kiss, right?"
"Well, actually, that part of it was okay, but, I don't know, well, it, um, he wasn't that great, yaknowwhatimean?"


So the next night, she goes out with a French Horn player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
The roommate gets to the point:
"So could the guy kiss or not?"

"Well, he wasn't any better than anybody else,
but I *loved* the way he held me."


This is my second favorite Brass joke,
my third favorite is the one that ends with "the Horn player IS God."
But I think that one would be egotistical. (sp?)
(Not to mention waaayyyy too long to type today. Me tired.)

~*sirepseh*~
(Can you tell what I play? Hmmmm.)

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:41 AM

Visualize chilled grease.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Barbara
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:07 AM

Here's a truly musical joke, about a musician, and I will tell you how to tell it, but to work it has to be heard rather than read. OK?
There's this brilliant perfectionist clarinet player, part of a combo, and he and the rest of the band are playing the rooftop garden or a really fancy French bistro in Paris.
After a while someone in the restaurant starts a challenge: they name a tune and the band plays it. If they succeed, he buys a round, if they fail, they have to quit playing.
Well, the clarinetist is carrying them. Guy names a tune, he immediately starts to play it (you can provide some cues here, like "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'; name it and then sing it).
Then the guy says "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", and the clarinetist launches into it, but when he hits the bridge, he locks. Total blank. He absolutely cannot remember the bridge. The guy smirks. Clarinetist starts again (you sing it here). Once again freezes on the bridge. (you stop at that point, stumped). "All right," he shouts, "I'll get it right or I'll kill myself!" (sing it again, stop at the bridge [the bridge starts with the "Where troubles melt like lemon drops"] after a pause, scream). The clarinet player throws down his instrument, tears across the dining area, and flings himself over the edge of the roof. He drops 15 stories, and hits the pavement, and as he is lying there, dying, the last thing he hears is the ambulance coming. (imitate the sound of a french ambulance: the intervals are the same as the beginning of the bridge).
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 03:29 PM

No, he didn't think I was a banjo player, and he plays one sometimes, so he couldn't have said much! If I'd been quicker, I would have given one of those "Deliverance" smiles and asked if anyone had seen mine, or maybe just drooled a little...

Visualize World Peace=
Visualize Whirled Peas=
Visualize Grilled Cheese

He said it was more of a visual thing with it being on a bumper, but I'm not quite sure I would have understood if I'd seen it.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 02:35 PM

Jeri, when they had to explain the joke did the person think you are a banjo plyer or were you pretending to be a banjo player?

And could you explain "Visualize Grilled Cheese" to me? I left my banjo downstairs.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 10:29 AM

Please note that the above joke was told after the joke teller had to explain to me why a bumper sticker saying "visualize grilled cheese" was funny...

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 10:22 AM

Just heard this last night.
A guy walks into a bar and goes up to the big, burly bartender. He orders a drink and says, "You wanna hear my latest banjo joke?"
The bartender says, "Sure, fine, but I gotta tell you, I'm a banjo player. And you see that big, mean-looking guy at the end of the bar? He's a long-haul trucker, and he's a banjo player. So's the guy over by the dartboard with all those darts in his hand. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The man looks around and says "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three separate times."

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 11:15 PM

How 'bout "She Got The Gold-mine And I Got The Shaft"

It's an actual song. Jerry Reed recorded it.

How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But he'll go through an entire case of bulbs looking for one he likes.

troll

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,m l mack
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 11:09 PM

A true tale: Mozart and Hayden(sp?) were great friends who liked to play jokes on each other when they were able to meet. Once Mozart handed Hayden some music to play. The right hand came to a high chord, the left hand came to a low one, and there was a middle C to be played as well. Hayden stopped, unable to see how to play it, so Mozart showed him how. When Mozart came to that passage he swooped down and played the middle C with his nose. Later, when they were laughing about it Hayden said "But with your nose it looks easy."

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: sheba
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 11:08 PM

At the very last minute, a guy is looking for some musicians to play his New Year's Eve party. Everyone is booked...except for a duo: an accordionist and banjo player. In desperation, he books them. On New Year's Eve, the duo walks into the room, instruments in hand. Everyone is prepared for the worst New Year's Eve ever. However, much to everyone's surprise, the duo turns out to be a great hit.

At the end of the evening the host asks if he can book them for next New Year's Eve. "Sure, great," the players reply. "Hey," says the banjo player, "can we leave our instruments here?"

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Tig
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 06:02 PM

The other definition of perfect pitch:

When you throw a bodhran into a skip (dumpster) to land exactly on top of the banjo that's already in there!

As a bodhran player I appreciated the list of bodhran jokes my friend's son had last Whitby - there were over 100 on it already and he was still adding to it. I hate to think how many there will be this year, especially as he plays one too.

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM

Today I Sellotape My Glove To You...

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM

Some favorite jazz standards ...

You Do Something to Me, and I'll do Something to You

I Guess I'll have to Change my Pants

I Got it Good, and That Ain't Bad

== Johnny

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 05:11 PM

A mate and I formed a singing duo.

For a while we were called the 'Eavily Brothers - he was Smoking Eavily, I was Drinking Eavily.

Before that we were known as Norfolk and Good.

These days we're known as the Ornamentals - I'm horny, he's mental...

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 05:08 PM

It was dress rehearsal night just before the gala first concert of the orchestra's world tour. The conductor raised his baton, fell over in a dead faint and was rushed away to the hospital. As the stunned musicians sat there, the manager said, "Unless one of you can conduct tomorrow, we're ruined and will have to cancel the tour."

The first violist said, "I studied conducting in school if that will help." He took over the rehearsal and went on to conduct the gala concert to the acclaim of the critics and audience. The orchestra left on its tour and received rave reviews where ever it went.

Six weeks later, the conductor had recuperated and rejoined the orchestra. His first act was to stand on the podium and ask the entire orchestra to applaud the violist who had saved the day. He then asked the violist to take his original chair. As the violist sat down, the second violist next to him turned and said, "Where the hell have you been?!"

LTS, via another Roger, this one is a part time penguin....

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM

What about that trombone player you were out drinking with last night?

She wasn't a trombone player, she was a harpist!

Harpist? You were BOTH pissed!

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 02:11 PM

'I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco...'

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 12:35 PM

Actually there are no jokes about musicians.

They're all true statements!

(Ducking and running away very fast!)

Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 07:55 AM

I think the title of one DWDitty sang on HearMe the other night is as good as any of the above. I had thought it was a Dave Van Ronk song but he said Dylan wrote it:

If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You.

Peter.