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BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 21 Dec 04 - 07:25 AM "A certain age" is somewhere in the period between puberty and dotage.Perhaps you haven't reached there yet Lynne. Oh, and please don't tap on THAT floorboard. It's loose and squeaky, the noise is driving me mad and giving me a migraine and it's frightening the ducks. If you want to do something useful put a cold object down Davetnova's neck. I had an anvil here a moment ago. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Davetnova Date: 21 Dec 04 - 06:59 AM Hic. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: MBSLynne Date: 21 Dec 04 - 06:43 AM So Mingulay, what exactly IS 'a certain age'???? Be careful how you answeer this. MBSLynne taps her foot, hands on her hips.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 21 Dec 04 - 05:37 AM It's been a funny Christmas so far. Cephalopod abuse, rubber avians of an aquatic persuasion running amok and being fondled by females of a certain age. Fire, flood, exploding toilets, burning instruments and burning nuts. Strange tree ornaments. wonderful beer and food, an excess of jello in the hot tub (the tide mark will never come off). Lastly, and best of all, the most manic, idiotic, ridiculous and funny set of customers in the tavern you could wish for. Keep it up, there are still 3 and a half days to go. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 21 Dec 04 - 03:32 AM The derelict in the corner is awakened by all this din. He looks in disgust at what has been deposited in his tin cup and throws it away in horror. It hits the juke box and Mabel Scott singing "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus" fills the room. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: el_punkoid_nouveau Date: 21 Dec 04 - 03:00 AM The punkoid leans back in bliss at the sound of the brass horn. Ahhhhhhhhhh - proper music at last!!!!!!!!!!! Now to escape this crapper, and the dire muzak they seem to inflict on visitors here. "Granddad, grandad, we love you" drifts out of the battered speakers on the wall. What would Pike have done in these circumstances, he ponders. Suddenly, a partially deaf duck appears. "Quack!" "I missed the call for a walk" it tells him "RR was too quiet and I didn't hear him. But somebody mentioned a duck tape in here!" The punkoid breathes a sigh of relief. "Yeah - this is it, tying me to this damned pipe. Can you pull it off?" The duck nods his head. "I can use to tie up that bloody squid!" he says. Free at last, and stopping only to torch the entire rest room with his portable flame thrower (that'll fix 'em - sorry ladies, you'll have to use the hedge!) he rushes back to the bar. He looks around him at the mess of avian droppings, squid slime and other detritus. Hidden away in one corner, he sees his double French Horn (Alexander of course!). Grabbing it, he takes a mighty breath and blasts his way through the entire Christmas Book of Penguin Carols. At last - RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rustic Rebel Date: 21 Dec 04 - 02:09 AM Com'on this place is getting too full of wild animals.... I sullenly walked out with cats, ducks, monkeys, birds of an aquatic spiecies and a squid, all shaking their heads yes, and following behind me. We all thought we needed a walk. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:04 AM Poor guy, you could almost feel sorry for him. Almost. He's just really really lucky a librarian stepped in to fix that mess. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 04 - 09:14 PM Grandma got run over by a reindeer Come they told me par rum pum pum pum Christmas Christmas time is near Time for joy and time for cheer A new born king to see par rum pum pum pum Walking home from our house Christmas Eve Our finest gifts we bring par rum pum pum pum We've been good but we can't last You may say there's no such thing as Santa Hurry Christmas Hurry past But as for me and Grandpa we believce To spread before our king par rum pum pum p...BARF!!!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 04 - 06:39 PM He shall be made to listen* to a medley of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", "The Little Drummer Boy", and the complete works of The Chipmunks until he dies or throws up or becomes sane, whichever comes first. *Via a headset, so no one else need suffer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 04 - 06:19 PM Big wet snogs for Rapaire and his horn! Just for that we will forget about the rubber ducks and a few other transgressions! Now what can that horn do for the likes of the Punkoid still locked in the John? The visit of three ghosts? Or three singer-songwriters or...help me here. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 04 - 03:19 PM Quietly, he arises from his stupor, quietly slips on spilled...well, he slips on it...and finally crawls across the slippery floor to the trumpet (yes, I nearly wrote 'strumpet', okay?) case nearly hidden behind the potted palms. Damn, he thinks, as the drunken hands clutch at him, I wish that SINSULL would'nt pour her unwanted drinks in these. And if they don't stop that, they'll not only be potted, but hairy, palms as well. But he retrieves the trumpet case and crawls nearer the fire. Opening it, he removes a horn of silver and the deepest, darkest, midnight blue. He inserts the mouthpiece, moves the valves a few times to loosen them up, and pointing the bell at the fireplace, blows one clear, crisp G natural. Then, assuring himself that it is still in tune, he lets off a riff, a glissando from high F to low C and back, that hangs like a brilliant crystal icicle in the air, so pure and cold that it seems starlike. And then, a marvelous thing happens. The fire seems to catch its breath, the freeze, and to reverse itself. In a few seconds guitars slide quietly from the ashes, across the carpet, a Gibson first, a Martin, a second Martin, and more. He empties the spit valve on the floor, figuring that a bit of spit can't be worse than what's there, removes the mouthpiece, and put the instrument away. "Gotta watch it," he mutters. "Too much of that can crack a planet. Thank God the Final Trump is something controllable and not something like an accordion or a banjo." And he calls for hoochanoo, his good deed for the year done. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 04 - 01:10 PM Meantime, SINS plucks the singed violin case from the flames and discovers that the instrument has suffered nothing more than a mild smoking. Can't say the same for the guitars. Maybe I will just mosey over to the bar and have a few, even better share a few, before I break the news to the owners...unless there is a magic Christmas/Hannukah fairy in the house who can restore them to their former glory????? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 04 - 12:46 PM And then in walk several distaff Mudcatters with a roll of duct tape. . . and El Punkoid Nouveau is once again ensconced in the loo, attached firmly between the pot and the wall. Think long and hard next time you decide to burn instruments! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 20 Dec 04 - 11:27 AM EPN dons the rubber gloves and several drug smuggling waterfowl scatter at the sight. That jello would have been useful thinks epn as he again attacks the door in a shower of carbonised eyebrow hair. The door starts to yield to his credit card sized chain saw and is soon reduced to sawdust. Thank god women don't set light to their farts he thinks, this crapper is very lightly built nothing but feathers and calamari. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: el_punkoid_nouveau Date: 19 Dec 04 - 04:27 PM Now that IS vindictive - I didn't have much left to start with! Hey ho - out with the industrial rubber gloves... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 04 - 03:57 PM zzzzzzz zzz zttttttt zzzztttt A slight smell of burning hair wafts from the back stall in the women's loo. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 04 - 03:30 PM Meantime SINSULL carefully wires the stall so that a flush or any metal on the door or lock will make the punk think twice about escaping - sort of an Invisible Fence for humans (using the term loosely, of course). ZAPPPPPP! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: el_punkoid_nouveau Date: 19 Dec 04 - 03:14 PM The punkoid rubs his ear - is that woman a body piercer in her spare time? He looks around him - what kinda s**thole is this he says, then sees the throne behind him. Jeez K he mutters to himself - I thought it was some kinda s**thole, but not a REAL s**thole! Hey man, we're deep in it this time. He pushes against the door - hell, it's locked and from the other side! Man, how did she do that? He stands back and hefts a huge kick at the door. Nuthin' doin' he murmurs, as Newton's Third law of motion comes into play, and he sits down hard on the throne. Hell, damn good job the seat was down! He sits there for a moment, and considers his position. Can't burn our way outta this one he says. But there ain't a cr**per in this goddamned tavern can hold ME!! he shouts. The punkoid digs deep into his pocket, discarding sonic screwdriver, bags of jelly babies, and the small electronic book with "Don't Panic" emblazoned on the front in large friendly letters. Doug and the Doc won't help this time! he mutters. Then he finds it - his Swiss Army complete network construction utility penknife. Hehe - this'll help me outta this trap - good job I got the trusty Bastard Operator From Hell tool with me... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 04 - 09:51 AM "We gotta get this hot tub cleaned again. No way the filter is gonna clear out all of this stuff. Come on, Moonglow, and watch for splinters on your way out." "What's to eat?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 04 - 07:20 AM Food. Always better than none. Blowing away a feather, he calls for Alaskan Amber. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 04 - 05:55 AM What is this I spy, dangling through the ceiling? It's the Leg of Manitas, which he has carelessly let slip through the floor of the loft.... Gadzooks, but we'll eat well tonight!! Calamari, Roast goose (with duck stuffing), Leg of Manitas and loft insulation - also known as Yorkshire puddings (well if you had my mum cooking them they were...) Anyone bring the sprouts? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 04 - 02:59 PM "Enough is enough!" exclaims Auntie SINS as she grabs El_Punkoid_Nouveau by the ear and jerks him out of the hot tub and into the Ladies Loo. "Last stall on the left, I believe. If it can hold Liz, it can hold you! Burning guitars, indeed! " And said punk shivers cold and wet in the damp murky gloom plotting his escape. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 18 Dec 04 - 01:38 PM Oooooo--that el punkoid is too evil for words! Smack the squid whacks him across the head and he does an ass-over-applecart tumble into the hot tub, dropping the remaining instruments in flight. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: el_punkoid_nouveau Date: 18 Dec 04 - 11:23 AM el_punkoid, having overcome his pyromania for a short while as the tavern is cleared of Jello, hears MBSLynne's plea for warmth with delight. Grinning manically, he searches for anything - the odd leg, soap opera acting, William Shatner - anything will do. He spies a heap of musical instrument cases, at the top of which is a natty violin case. "Whose is this?" he calls - but not too loudly, for fear that it will be claimed by an enraged owner. He inspects the case, and finds a label hanging from the instrument's headstock. "Says Oak here" he mutters to himself. "That burns nicely." So saying, he hurls the violin onto the fire, followed by a couple of guitars. "That Martin Gibson won't play again in a hurry" he yells gleefully. "They had his name on them..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: MBSLynne Date: 18 Dec 04 - 07:17 AM MBSLynne clutches her rubber duckie and crouches under a chair where she peers out at the chaos outside. The air is thick with Goose feathers and bits of squid....but wait a minute!.......Surely those aren't ALL goose feathers?? No! Someone has opened the skylight and softly, gently, large fluffy snowflakes are falling into the tavern covering everything and everybody with a shimmering eiderdown (no, no, they were geese, not ducks!) of white. "Someone chuck something on the fire quickly!! It's getting colder by the minute. Oaklet!!! Come under this chair and give me a BIG cuddle!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 04 - 12:15 AM Sorry. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 04 - 12:13 AM On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me A squid jellied in cranberry On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me Two scalded cats And aquid jellied in cranberry On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me Three geese alaying The two sclded cats And a squid jellied in cranberry On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Four rubber duckies Three geese a laying The two scalded cats And a squid jellied in cranberry On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Five pints of ale... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 17 Dec 04 - 10:19 PM Perhaps MMario would like to save the day by loudly announcing two new menu items--calamari and roast goose. . . just a thought |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:54 PM And he sings bagpipe music whilst geese and the squid have at each other: It's no go my honey love, it's no go my poppet; Work your hands from day to day, the winds will blow the profit. The glass is falling hour by hour, the glass will fall for ever, But if you break the bloody glass you won't hold up the weather. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:23 PM Before the bathers have time to respond in any way, in rapid succession they all heard slap! slap! slap! slap! slap! slap! slap! slap! Unseen by all, the giant squid had slithered back into the room, and the spectacular squid/snow goose slapdown had begun! Birds begin bouncing off of beams, bongo drums, the tree, and cats and ducks are jarred from their rafters as feathers and fowl fly everywhere. All Mudcatters dive for cover. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:14 PM And he sings as he yanks (the rope) the old favorite Oh the weather outside is frightful, But inside you it's so delightful, I ain't got no place to go, WHOA! Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow, yee HAW! He sings it that way because he is, deep inside, a perverted wretch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:08 PM The water is hot, the air is steamy, but a scrambling fluttering honking noise is suddenly audible over the general din of diners, folk singers, and burning woodwinds. "You don't suppose. . . naw. . . NO!. . .Rapaire, leave that trap door alone!" The shout is too late, he pulls the rope. Squawk! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:18 PM cash. Lots of cash. (Might as well join those beavers in Oregon that built their dam out of thousands of dollars in misplaced stolen money!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 16 Dec 04 - 06:56 PM ...Near's underwear... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Liz the Squeak Date: 16 Dec 04 - 06:52 PM the neck of the net which has in it a thousand pearly red and green balloons, and one piece of holly...... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 16 Dec 04 - 06:44 PM Slowly, oh so slowly, quietly, oh so quietly, he carefully reaches for the other rope, a tug upon which will release |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 15 Dec 04 - 07:00 PM http://www.ralphsteadman.com/03ducks.asp |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: SINSULL Date: 15 Dec 04 - 06:58 PM And a sad and happy tale of ducks to add to the mix. Be forewarned - some die... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Liz the Squeak Date: 15 Dec 04 - 06:08 PM ACtually, to be totally prosaic and factually correct, there is a job of Swanherd - it's the title given to the chief warden at the Abbotsbury Swannery, this totally incredible place , and for a long time it was a man called 'Lexy' Lexington. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:27 AM PIERCAM!!! The new answer to sleeping pills. Yes, if you find Kelpcam too exciting this is the one for you. Ideal for accountants, actuaries and other somnambulent life forms. Not suitable for those suffering from cardiac conditions. No wonder the squid looks pale. A nightshirt with failing sight gropes his way among the ducks. He now knows what the expression "ducky poos" actually means. His website is now more webshite, still lots of hot water and a stiff brush should clear it up. Wonder if that would work for my keyboard. ##&%]]%$£ whooooooosssshhh. Obviously not! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Stilly River Sage Date: 15 Dec 04 - 10:43 AM Squidland Amusement Park. XXX-rated Squid flix. And a song to hum to as you contemplate this squid's life away from the Mudcat Tavern. It's no wonder he likes to hang out here, wrangling ducks or no. SRS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: MMario Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:12 AM Rapaire - Don't you and the Idaho League have menuevers to go on or something? and *this* year , Do you think you can stop them from using the sleigh as target range practice? The detonations scare the crap out of the reindeer - and Mrs. Santa says the cleaning bills for the suit are getting outrageous - never mind the stench! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: MBSLynne Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:09 AM Nightshirt...did no one ever tell you that all this self-promotion will make you go blind? Here...grab a duck and sit over there in the corner...you'd be amazed at how soothing it is to rub-a duck! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:33 AM He's 'armless really. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:24 AM "Squids have the right to bare arms!" he screams and rips off his shirt. "And so do I!" Unfortunately, his arms are weak and pasty white and, actually, rather disgusting. From the corner the squid pats his shoulder and mutters, "There, there." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: GUEST,Mingulay Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:56 AM Boo Hoo! I can't do blue clickies. Can I have a blue clicky for Christmas please Dad. Can I please. I'll be good all year. PLEAAAAAaaaaaaaaaassssseeeeee!!! Reels back from cuff round ear and falls on duck on floor. Still, no harm done as woman stroking duck broke the fall. Suddenly surrounded by blue things (some people will do anything to advertise). The squid sits in a corner begging for the bus fare back to the docks as he spent the first lot on wine, women and thong. At least he thought it was a thong, in reality it was an octopus luggage strap. What an octopus needs luggage for I don't know. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: chris nightbird childs Date: 15 Dec 04 - 02:56 AM As they toss the rubber duckie about, Nightshirt passes out his very own Blue Clicky to anyone who'll take it... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: MBSLynne Date: 15 Dec 04 - 02:46 AM Crow murdering? Chicken flocking? Now THAT one sounds decidedly unsavoury! You leave this cute little duckie with me! I've become attached to it! *There, there duckie, just let me give you a soothing little rub..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too.... From: Rapparee Date: 14 Dec 04 - 06:14 PM And he flings back a blue clicky (but not one that's already loaded). |
