BS: Jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Pseudolus
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 02:57 PM

A doctor looks at his patient and says, "Well I have good news and I have bad news, what would you like to hear first?" The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 06 - 04:20 PM

"Golf Tidbits"

In primitive society, when native tribes
beat the ground with clubs and yelled,
it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his
mind off his work soon takes up work
to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now
it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard,
straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf
game: take lessons, practice constantly --
or start cheating.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy
because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people
in the world are those in front of you, and the
fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with
disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with
three friends, play eighteen holes, and
return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other
four letter words were taken.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Sep 06 - 06:20 PM

Two Kerrymen were walking to the pub when they come across a Kerrywoman with a punctured bicycle, so one of the men stops to help, while the other one carries on to get the pints in.

Any way the helpful Kerryman fixes the puncture, and the woman’s so pleased, she lies down on the ground and pulls her knickers off and says, “You can have anything you want.” So he picks up the bicycle and off he goes to the pub.

So later when the helpful Kerryman gets to the pub he tells his friend what had happened “Sure you did the right thing,” says his pal. “The knickers wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 09:06 PM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 08:47 AM

A neurobiology graduate student was working on his dissertation, and went to a brain store to get some brains to complete his lab study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular store, and questions the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" he asks.

"$3 an ounce," the shopkeeper says.

"That's not too bad," the biology student says, considering his budget. "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"$12 an ounce," the man says.

The student thinks about the cross-section he needs to make his study rigorous and asks, "OK, how much for a fundamentalist right-wing politician's brain?"

The proprietor lifts an eyebrow and proclaims, "$1,800 an ounce."

"Why is that kind of brain so much more?" the shocked student asks.

"Listen, pal," the busy shopkeeper says. "Do you have any idea how many fundamentalist right-wing politicians we have to harvest to get one ounce of brain?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 06:02 PM

Geordie Peorgie;
The best way to do that one is to say to someone 'Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?' And then watch them look it up. It almost always works.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:53 PM

Are they? Why?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:49 PM

Theyre thinking about deleting 'Gullible' from the dictionary

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:57 PM

Thanks jeffp

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?....
'cos it was dead

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: jeffp
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:48 PM

By the way, what does LOL stand for?

Laughing Out Loud

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:45 PM

What flower grows underneath your nose?......
tulips (get it?... two lips)ha ha

By the way, what does LOL stand for? ... Lots of love, Lord Oh Lord or what? (this is not a joke so don't expect a punchline).

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: frogprince
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 01:01 PM

Warning: very bad taste and male-chauvinist-piggery.
Acknowledgement: I got this from the movie "Prarie Home Companion.

"Why do they call it PMS ?"




"Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 06 - 08:38 PM

"Governmentium"

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass!"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Leadfingers
Date: 25 Aug 06 - 05:42 PM

If all the ladies who post in MudCat were laid end to end down Oxford Street , would any one be at all surprised ?

100 !!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Aug 06 - 10:52 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.






As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.






When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed,
you were there.






When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave
me
support.






When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"






"What dear?" She asked gently.






"I think you bring me bad luck."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 01:10 PM

To add to the list of mergers John in Kansas posted up there a ways:

Betty Crocker is planning a merger with Anheuser Busch, makers of Budweiser, and will market a new product...PisQuick.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 12:55 PM

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, "Paidwch yfed yr dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi" (don't drink the water, it's not nice). The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer move closer.

"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid crappio yn y dwr!" (Don't boy, the water is not nice. The sheep crap in the water). Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi!

Dim yfed!" (the water's dirty don't drink it!) "I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said!" said the man at the in a fine English accent, "Oh I see" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 11:41 AM

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through! Take note of their "Domain Names"! Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award!

1) A site called "Who represents," where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com.

2) "Experts Exchange," a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views, at www.expertsexchange.com.

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island," at www.penisland.net.

4) Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder," at www.therapistfinder.com.

5) And now we have the "Mole Station Native Nursery," based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

6) If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com.

7) Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com.

8) Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure Web site at www.gotahoe.com.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:37 AM

Hopefully just one musical post won't force this to move back above the line:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....



















"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:22 AM

Mergers & Investment Advice for 2005 For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 11:12 AM

"The Time"

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left.

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 10:26 PM

ps A very cheery Butch staggered home very late after another drinking session with his mate, Kevin. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Cheryl. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Butch sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Butch woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Cheryl staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Butch?" Butch said, "Why would you say such a thing?" "Well," Cheryl said, "it could be the open front door, ...... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,....... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could even be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly Butch....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 11:49 PM

Non living things have a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 11:38 AM

Read this in Reader's Digest in the doc office, yesterday:

There was a lawyer who was quite successful at specialising in liability cases. She wanted more, though, so she added libel as one of her services. She wanted to add insult to injury.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 09:59 AM

Teens Observed in the Malls

We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part: It was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hip bones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on the condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies & ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them? And one more thing . . . . .

Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?

Thank you all,

A Concerned Grandmother

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 12 Jun 06 - 06:38 PM

One day, at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor"

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow" Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Woollies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woollies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Woollies

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 02:52 PM

Mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon had slept in the family bed since baby balloons birth. Baby balloon had now grown to such a size that sleeping in the same bed as mummy balloon and daddy balloon was problematic, so:- Mummy balloon said to Baby balloon. "Tonight, baby balloon you are going to sleep in your own bed"
That night baby balloon was put to bed in his own bed but woke at 3am and proceeded to mummy and daddy balloons room. He realised he was too big to squeeze into the bed between mummy balloon and daddy balloon so he let a little air out of daddy balloon...still without success he let a little air out of mummy balloon.....still not enough room to squeeze between his mum and dad so he decided to let a little air out of himself.

In the morning they woke up and mummy balloon in a somewhat distressed tone said...."Oh baby balloon, you were supposed to sleep all night in your own bed and not come into our room.....do you realise you have let your Dad down, you have let me down and you have let yourself down!"

Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 10:44 AM

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says 'What the hell was that all about?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 01:32 AM

The UK government is doing a Nationla Health survey about penis size, to make the count easier they have requested all men with a penis of less than 2 inches to display a white flag with a red cross on it.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: mrdux
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 01:19 AM

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head in amazement and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."


    VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

    BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole sadly shakes his head: "First dere was Sven with his
budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Lars. . . hengliding....."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 03:49 PM

Three cowboys are out on the range talking about sex. "The rodeo position is my favorite," one says. I don't think I ever heard of that one, says the second. What is it asked the third? The first replies: You mount your lady from behind, reach around and grab her breasts, and whisper in her ear : "These feel just like your sister's" - and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was reading a paper at a cafe; the headline on the front article said "12 Brazilian soldiers killed".

She turned to the person at the next table and asked, "How many are in a Brazilian?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Peace
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:50 PM

The Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: wlisk
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:48 PM

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings, then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN!!"   The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls "Walk". The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes that man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls"

The Scot stands up and screams "Walk with pride, Laddie, walk with pride!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Mack
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:19 PM

A man on his way to work saw a small boy with a dos. The dosg had a for sale sign around his neck. He asked the boy how much he wanted for the dog, The boy said $50,000 bucks. The man said good luck selling that dog.

On his way home there was the same boy with two cats for sale. He saked him if he sold the dog. the boy said yes. He asked him if he got his asking price. The boy said yes. The man said that is umbelievable. The boy said I just took two $25,000 cats in trade.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,productmedia.net
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:07 PM

so this baby seal walks into a club.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 03:27 PM

Cool BEans:

A very, very sad story!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Cool Beans
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 01:36 PM

Two families move from Iraq to America. When they
arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large
bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy
says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head"!
--

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Pseudolus
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 01:26 PM

They also have two assholes.....my brother and I own a horse and every where we ride it people comment, "Hey, look at the two assholes on that horse!"

Actually, I'm kidding, I don't own a horse, however my brother is an asshole!!!   Alright I'm lying about that too! HAHA


Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Tam the Bam (Nutter)
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 11:27 AM

Did you know that all Police horses are female, I heard a man say 'god look at the pussy on that.'
I know it's not funny but I like it.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 01:20 PM

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bardford
Date: 03 Sep 03 - 11:55 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 03 - 11:49 AM

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.   He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal-file ?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters ..

Don't worry about anything we are fine.

Love,
Timothy

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM

GROANERS FOR ALL THE LEXOPHILES ..lovers of words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your
count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum
blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW...SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.   The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:
SLOW...CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 06:00 AM

Here's a joke lifted from another site
WARNING Prepare to groan.:-

Walrus.


A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers:

"Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 06:33 PM

Q. Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
A. Inadequate lubrication.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 09:12 PM

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing
with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review
his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live
and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant
grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you
were going to want me to pay with cash."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 08:41 PM

Heric:

Go to your room!!!


:>)


A

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 06:54 PM

A penguin was driving from Needles to Barstow in weather that was well over 100 degrees F when he experienced engine trouible. He managed to pull into the next small town, and drove to the gas station, where a mechanic was luckily on duty. The mechanic said he would have look-see and the penguin asked politely whether there was a place nearby where he could get himself some ice cream. "Down one block on the left" said the mechanic and the penguin cheerily waddled away. As he walked back from in the blistering heat, he had a tough time with the ice cream melting so fast, getting it all over his face and down the front. When he finally made it to back to the gas station, the mechanic rolled out from underneath the car and said "it looks like you've blown a seal." "No, it's ice cream," said the penguin.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,ribkie
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 03:11 PM

I've always wanted to try this one out just to see the expression on the shop assistant's face. Can never see a wasp when you want one!


a guy walks into a pet shop and says to the assistant "I'd like to buy a wasp please"
The assistant says "sorry we do not sell wasps"
the guy say's well you've got one in the window!