BS: Jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 10:07 AM

If Attorneys had brains... or, Cross-Examinations can be fun!

   Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
   Q: And why did that upset you?
   A: My name is Susan.

   Q: What is your date of birth?
   A: July fifteenth.
   Q: What year?
   A: Every year.

   Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   A: I forget.
   Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

   Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
   A: Oral.

   Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
   A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
   Q: How long has he lived with you?
   A: Forty-five years.

   Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

   Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
   A: We both do.
   Q: Voodoo?
   A: We do.
   Q: You do?
   A: Yes, voodoo.

   Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And what were you doing at that time?

   Q: She had three children, right?
   A: Yes.
   Q: How many were boys?
   A: None.
   Q: Were there any girls?

   Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

   Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
   A: I went to Europe, sir.
   Q: And you took your new wife?

   Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
   A: By death.
   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

   Q: Can you describe the individual?
   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   Q: Was this a male, or a female?

   Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

   Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

   Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

   Questions withdrawn...

   Q: And the youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
   Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
   Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
   Q: Now the defendant, did he kill you?
   Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
   Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
   Q: You were there until the time you left; is that true?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 09:00 AM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 12:08 AM

Q:..what is a "mistress"
A:..something between "mister" and "matress"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 08:03 PM

I just heard this one: For Freud, what came between fear and sex?

Answer: Fumph.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: jacqui c
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 03:01 PM

Ted was speaking to the vicar of his church. "I have a problem, he confessed, "my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons, and it is very embarrassing."

"I know just the thing" the vicar replied. "Take this hat pin, and when I see her nod off I'll motion you to give her a little jab."

The following Sunday off went Ted, his wife and the pin. Before long the vicar saw Ted's wife dozing so he began his plan. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he asked, nodding to Ted. "JESUS" cried Ted's wife as he jabbed her with the pin. "That's right!" continued the vicar. Soon she was off again, so the vicar continued "And who is your redeemer?" and nodded to Ted. "GOD!" the poor woman yelled. "Right again!" said the vicar, smiling.

Before long Ted's wife was off again, but the vicar was getting so carried away with his sermon that he was shaking his head wildly. Ted mistook the signals and gave his wife a hefty jab just as the vicar was asking "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Ted's wife shrieked.....

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in two and shove it up your a**e!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:43 PM

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie
came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no
crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons.' Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:28 PM

True: Hardi knew a fella who came home so drunk one night, he opened the closet door and peed all over his clothes before going to bed.

Joke, "Car Names You Will Never Ever See": Ford Feces, Hyundai Hemmorhoid

(your turn)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:18 PM

"YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN..."
                (2003 EDITION)


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:02 PM

Exciting Historical information you need to know
about shipping Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's
invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and
the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 06:47 PM

The good news: Love will find you.

The bad news: Love will find you.


Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 02:54 PM

Y'allbonics

NOT TO BE OUT DONE BY EBONICS IN CALIFORNIA, THE SOUTHERN ASSOCIATION OF COLLEGES AND SCHOOLS IS REQUESTING BILLIONS OF FEDERAL DOLLARS TO TEACH "Y'ALLBONICS" IN ALL CLASSROOMS SOUTH OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE. INCLUDED HERE ARE SOME SAMPLES OF Y'ALLBONICS. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THEM, CONTACT YOUR CLOSEST SOUTHERN BUBBA FOR AN EXPLANATION.....

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My
brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh
ba rd my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a coke."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage
"Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank
I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from
Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my
brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh
don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch
far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "I hope that brother of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek
don't rise, sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh ass."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners
are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurdhe sed... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen. Usage "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away
from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my
brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haz e ignert.
Heain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New
York City... view?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: beadie
Date: 04 Aug 03 - 11:23 AM

This is, I swear, absolute truth.

A local dog breeder advertised in the Madison, Wi. "Wisconsin State Journal" selling pups (presumably) resulting from the union of a Shih Tzu dog and a Poodle bitch.

   "For Sale.   Shittypoo pups. - 1 male 3 female - Available 1 June."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Li'l Aussie Bleeder
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 05:24 PM

Q: What do you do if you hear an Elephant coming through your front window.
A: SWIM!!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 01:14 PM

LOL, Rapaire. That Volswagen joke is pretty good!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 06:17 PM

For A laf, for blokes mainly, try this site:CLICK ME

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 05:18 PM

LOL Rapaire, Oops, does that make me a geek?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:53 PM

Hey, Bill D,   to quote my old man, 'That Reminds Me of A song: Bantam Cock , by Jake Thakerey or sumfin like dat.

If at first you don't succeed, ..
Hide all evidence that you even tried.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:49 PM

Yeah Kim. I know, But it aint funny that way. My wife ruins all my jokes too. Funny, she's called... Kim, is that you?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 10:43 AM

Shih Tsu is as bad as Bijon Freise which my friends all pronounce
Bitchin Frisbee!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:21 PM

Shih Tzu. And everyone says it wrong. It's Shee-Soo... not shitzoo.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:15 PM

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

----------------

Bumper sticker on a Volkswagen: FEATURE.




...now let's see how may REAL geeks are on the 'Cat!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: fogie
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM

From Harry Potter- Sirius and Harry are in the Ministry of magic when two wizards come by carrying a cardboard box. Sirius asks them what is in the box, and they reply Now thats a very good question ,we thought it was a bog standard chicken till it started breathing fire. (I really liked that)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:08 PM

My mate asked me what a shitz tsu was (if that's how it's spelled), before I could reply, Dan chips in with "one with no Animals" !

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

All right, I post this one everytime, but it really is my favorite dumb little joke. For some strange reason it never fails to elicit at least a snicker.

Q. Why were the Three Wise Men all covered in soot?

A. Because they'd come from afar.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:24 PM

LOL!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:55 AM

Found at :

I'll never look at spam the same way again...

MARKETING 101

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him, and
get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a
drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to
you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him
into going home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're
passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated
toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 03:46 PM

Senior Citizen Wedding

George, age 92, and Alice, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in. George addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

George: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

George: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

George: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

George: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

George says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 02:24 PM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping,
a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,voxfox
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:38 PM

My cookie's been stolen again!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,VOXFOX
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:37 PM

Two Newfies walk into a pub, standing at the bar drinking beer and talking about world affairs. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a codfish sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the guys looks at her and says," Kin yer swaller?"   She shakes her head. "Kin yer breathe?" The woman bsgins to turn blue and shakes her head.   The Newfie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind-Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before!" :o) VF

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Ralphie
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM

Please tell me, where am I going to buy old guitars now that the Americans have eliminated "E-Bay Hussein"?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM

Must've been told by a Marine Corps Drill Sargent then.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?”

“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature!”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little—relax and enjoy yourself.”

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you go! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955—isn’t that a little extreme?”

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s only 2130 now!”

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Jul 03 - 12:10 AM

At O'Hare airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public-school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in the possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Schantieman
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 12:05 PM

Bill D's rooster joke is reminiscent of the late lamented Jake Thackeray's Bantam Cock.   LOL :-D

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 06:57 AM

Bat Goddess

Bit unfair that one - I am in a very public library and I just wanted to hoot with laughter. Guess I will just have wait till I get home.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 01:25 AM

George Bush was giving a press conference and one of the reporters asked, "Why did we go to war in Iraq?" Dubya looked down at the note cards that had been carefully prepared for him and one of them had only the number 710 on it so he said, "We had 710 good reasons to go to war in Iraq." Then Ari Fleischer leaned over to him and said, "Sir, I believe you're holding that card upside down."

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 08:06 PM

One of the locals, man name o' Jake, came in around 2 a.m., stinkin' drunk, from a poker game with the boys. He knew that he was going to catch hell if his wife found out when he came in -- he figgered he could explain away the hangover as a touch of flu.

Jake quietly closed the door and decided to take off his shoes before he went upstairs. It'd be quieter.

He knew that he'd made a big mistake as soon as he sat down on the step. The empty pint bottle in his back pocket let him know that.

Jake didn't scream. He quietly went into the downstairs bathroom and, with great difficulty, pulled out all of the broken glass and gave himself first aid. He then removed his shoes and managed to get upstairs into bed without awakening his wife.

Next thing he knew was when the bucket of cold mopwater hit him. It was 6:30 and his wife was holding the empty bucket.

"So!" she yelled. "You came in drunk again last night! And don't bother to deny it!!

Jake held his head in both hands. For obvious reasons he'd been sleeping on his back, and now she hit his very sensitive gluteal area with the broom!

With a yell he jumped to his feet, a move that nearly killed him.

"Yes! I came in drunk! I'm sorry! I suffered for it! I sat on an empty bottle! I was drunk! But...but...how did you know?" he stammered.

"Because," she said, "I just looked in the downstairs bathroom and there are bandaids all over the mirror."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Larkin
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:34 PM

There's two old guys sitting in a bar and one says 'I just got a job' What is it? asks the other. "I'm working in the gents at piccadilly"
Oh how is it ? says the other guy. " Horrible and disgusting , there's guys cruisin guys and condoms everywhere, there's junkies shooting up and needles everywhere. Y'know last week a guy came in for a shit - It was like a breath of fresh air !

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Laurent
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM

From Belgium.

French people usually laugh three times.

First when you tell them a joke, next when you explain it and last when they understand it.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: michaelr
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 12:35 PM

A woman walks into a drug store and asks for batteries.

The clerk waggles a crooked forefinger and says, "Come this way."

The woman says, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Louie Roy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 11:35 PM

A lady walks into a record store and asks the clerk in he had red lips and blue eyes.He said no mam,but I have two balls and six inches.She said is that a record and he said no but it is a damn good average

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:36 PM

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh...they're getting closer."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:35 PM

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:25 PM

Yo, Firecat -- tell'em the one about the Secret Agent trial...

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 04:38 PM

refresh ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:49 AM

A cruise liner sinks and everyone dies except for the magicians two rabbits who float ashore on a desert island in the top hat.
The island is paradise for rabbits excellent food ,no predators just good rabbit living.So rabbits do what rabbits do and soon there are twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits ..all female. the Buck rabbit cares for them and soon he does what rabbits do. But all being family he is very polite and always says "Thank you madam, Thank you Madam after each time.
Soon they to have twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again ALL female. So on he goes getting fitter and stronger he runs round the island and shouts thankyou madam, thank you madam thank you madam all day long every day.
Now each and every one of the rabbits has twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again all are female.
The buck is in heaven running round the island "Thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam..... all day long.
Eventually he has a baby boy bouncing bunny rabbit . His pride and joy and he brings him up a polite good boy bunny rabbit. Then comes the day the son is ready to do what rabbits do. Daddy rabbit says "now son remember your manners they are all family so ALWAYS say thank you madam."
"Yes dad Yes Dad Can I start now Yes Dad". His enthusiasm was obvious.

"Right what we will do is I will go round this way and you go round that way and Always say Thank you madam." says daddy rabbit and off they go.

"YEs Dad Yes Dad" and off he shot.

Daddy rabbit was steady Thank you madam .. thank you madam.. thank you madam... thank you madam...

Baby rabbit was going like a train.. thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam sorry dad thank you madam .

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 02:49 PM

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when she saw the Wolf crouching behind a rock,
"Oh My, Mister Wolf" she said, "What big ears you have!".
The wolf looked up and ran up the path.
A little further on she saw the wolf crouching behind a bush,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf looked up and ran a little way up the track.
A few minutes later sshe saw the wolf trying to hide behind a tree,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, What big teeth you have!"
The wolf looked up, bared his teeth and said,
"Beat it Kid, I'm trying to take a crap!".

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Shields Folk
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 12:59 PM

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.

Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f**king liar. He's never done any of that stuff ...