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BS: Jokes.
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BS: Jokes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Amos Date: 18 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM These are the winners of a New York magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO Lost in the mail VENI, VIPI, VICI I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered COGITO EGGO SUM I think; therefore I waffle RIGOR MORRIS The cat is dead RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish QUE SERA SERF Life is feudal LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI The king is dead. No kidding. PRO BOZO PUBLICO Support your local clown MONAGE A TROIS I am three years old FELIX NAVIDAD Our cat has a boat HASTE CUISINE Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE I came, I saw, I partied QUIP PRO QUO Fast retort ALOHA OY Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know VISA LA FRANCE Don't leave your chateau without it AMICUS PURIAE Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO I'm bossy around here COGITO, ERGO SPUD I think, therefore I yam (OK, more than one letter) VENI, VIDI, VELCRO I came, I saw, I stuck around (OK, another exception) ICH BIT EIN BERLINER He deserved it. ZITGEIST The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up. E PLURIBUS ANUM Out of any group, there's always one asshole. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Rapparee Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:22 PM A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ohio. They're still way too cold and wet to burn." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Watson Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:56 AM A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child, " he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with you knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess....."Small Cox? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Shields Folk Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM My mate found a young woman tied up on a railway line last night.He untied her and had amazing sex all night. He's hoping for a blow job tonight if he can find her head.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:27 AM Jogging Shoes -------------- Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please Pronounce They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr... gerrrrrr ... Kiiiing! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Teribus Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:40 AM Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist: During the testing phase of the Concorde, the scientists involved had to make a gun to fire dead birds at the cockpit windows of the aircraft to simulate the effect of "bird-strike". They duly made the gun and used dead chickens as a representative sized bird. The tests went well. At the same time in America they were developing a high speed train. Hearing of the British trials, one of their team noted that the landing speed of Concorde was roughly that of the train they wanted to build so they asked the engineers if they could have a gun to perform the same tests on the cabin windows of the locomotive. The gun was delivered, set up and they carried out the first test. The American engineers were aghast when the chicken smashed through the drivers cab window, completely destroyed the back-rest of the drivers chair and embedded itself in the aft bulkhead of the drivers cabin. They went over all the test data, and not coming up with a reason for the test result, they submitted their test data, reems and reems of it, to British Aerospace in case they could come up with an explanation. In reply they received a one line memo: DEFROST THE CHICKEN. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Mr Red Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:08 AM In a sectret (large) hotel somwhere near the Syrian border the annual convention of Sadman look-alikes is in session. "OK guys, good news and bad news." (amid cheers) "Saddam is alive" "and the bad news........." (silence) "is, he has lost an arm............." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: LadyJean Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:26 AM George W. Bush and his brother Jeb went down to Florida, on a fishing trip. Their first stop on this fishing trip was Madame Lucille's New Orleans Style House Of Whoopee. Madame Lucille was delighted to have two such distinguished guests, but she said, "Mr. President, Mr. Governor, I don't want my girls to get pregnant, so I want you to wear these condoms." A couple of days later, George and Jeb were out in their boat fishing. It was a warm day. The sun was reflecting off the water. They were both pretty hot. George said to his brother, "Jeb, do you really care if those whores get pregnant?" "No," said Jeb. "Great! George said. "Lets take the condoms off". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Jim Dixon Date: 17 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: dwditty Date: 31 May 03 - 06:21 PM Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One pulled up short, patting himself and said to his friend. "Damn, I must have dropped an electron." His friend said, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "Yeah, I'm positive." dw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: The Walrus Date: 31 May 03 - 03:59 PM Three men and a woman turn up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at the woman and asks her how she died. "I was at home when my husband burst into the apartment, shouting and swearing, accusing me of adultery, demanded to know where my lover was. Then he hit me, I fell backward, hit my head and fractured my skull." St. Peter turns to the first man, "And you?" "I'm her husband," says man No. 1, "I came home in a rage. I was convinced she had her lover in the flat. Yes I hit her, but I didn't know I'd killed her. I searched the flat. I'm sure he was there, but I couldn't find him. Then, in my rage and frustration, I threw the refrigerator out of the window. The effort was too much and I had a fatal heart attack". St. Peter grunted and turned to the second man. "There I was," said the second man, "walking down the street, minding my own business, when I was hit by a fridge thrown from a fourth floor window, it killed me." St. Peter was looked at the third man and merely raised an eyebrow. "Ah!" says man No. 3. "There I was, minding my own business, sitting in this fridge..." I won't bother getting my coat, it's warm enough. Walrus. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes. From: Rapparee Date: 31 May 03 - 02:45 PM It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
--------------- The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
---------------- "Billy" "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand; George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth -- why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?" -------------- Once upon a time, a female brain cell mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Finally, she heard a voice from far, far away: |
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Subject: BS: Jokes. From: Apache Date: 31 May 03 - 12:56 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'So what jokes do people know, c'mon, make me laugh, as rude and as crude as you want. Ill start... A policeman pulls over a man, late one night for drunk driving, the man gets out of the car obviously sober, the policeman ansks him to breathe into the bretherlator. The man asks him why he pulled him over? "Was I weaving the lanes?" "Was my speed too high?" The officers reply was "No, it was the fat, ugly bird in the passanger seat that had me suspicious." |
