First joke thread for 2007

Subject: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:49 AM

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This wife awakens shortly after midnight, and doesn't find her husband in bed at her side.
When looking for him in the house she hears sobbing and crying out of the sitting room.
She finds her husband there, clutching half an empty bottle of whiskey and shedding tears galore.
"What annoys you, my dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember how your father trapped us together when you were just sixteen years old?"
"Oh yes, dear, I still do."
"And how he let me choose: either it is marriage or a sentence for 20 years?"
"But that was so long ago! What is the problem now?"

"TODAY I'D BE FREE!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:57 AM

And since we had such a fine Christmas season, just another one to remember it:

Two very old men are sitting in the park watching the snowflakes falling.
"Christmas is wonderful" one of them remarks.
"Sexual intercourse is wonderful, too" the other replies.

Short pause ...

"But Christmas is more often!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:03 PM

It's 11.50 at night. Policeman finds a car in a quiet lay-by with a bloke in the front seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back, knitting.

Copper asks what they are doing and the guy says, "I'm reading a magazine and she's knitting!"

"And how old are you both?" asks the cop.

The bloke say's, "I'm 22 and in ten minutes she'll be 16!"

G-P

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 07:14 PM

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
   "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
   A couple of them dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
   Meanwhile, another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
   Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
   He thought he knew just what was going on over the fence. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
   Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
   "Come with me quickly, sir," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
   "Beat it kid!" the geezer waved him off. "Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
   The boy insisted, though, and finally persevered in getting the old man to hobble slowly over to the cemetery.
   Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.."
   The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth! Now let's see if we can get a good look at the Lord."
   Quaking with trepidation, they peered through a gap in the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the boards of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to see inside the cemetary.
   Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
   They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:07 PM

A young man and a young woman were sitting on a fence rail, watching a bull & a cow.

He (shyly): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that".

She (shrugs): "It's your cow."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:00 PM

My son, when asked to play in such a way that nothing was being hit, says Oh, come on, everything hits something, why, this hits the air (waving his napkin,), and this strikes a nerve (raising one finger...)!

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Peter Woodruff
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:09 PM

A three legged dog limps into the saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 09:04 AM

Half-a-dozen sewage farm workers from Sheffield went to Skegness for the weekend. One of them fainted from the fresh air and it took six buckets of s**t to revive him.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 10:12 AM

It's started! England cricket jokes.

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Advertisement your story continues below
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pietersen, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Hrothgar
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 05:55 AM

Did you hear about the two ships, one carrying purple paint and one carrying pink paint?

They collided and sank.

The crews were marooned.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,decky 1
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 07:21 AM

There was this family that lived out in the middle of no-where, in a log Cabin in America. They had one son and his name was Joe, some mornings Joe would go out-side to the big barrel of water to shave, you see they didn't have a mirror so Joe would look into the barrel and see his reflection and that's how he shaved and washed.
Well one day Joe said to his parents that he would like to go and explorer America.
His parents were heart broken that he was leaving home, so Joe got his bags packed and said goodbye to his parents. A week later he arrived in New York, as he was walking down the street he seen a "Bed & Break-fast", he went to the door and rung the bell an elderly woman came to the door, Joe said hello, have you any rooms to Let, and the elderly woman said yes come in. An hour later when Joe was settled in, he went to the bathroom, as he was going he spied a mirror on the wall, and said Jesus! It's a photograph of me-self, so quickly he took the Mirror and put it into an envelope along with a letter he wrote and posted it to his parents.
When his parents received the envelope the father opened it up and took out the letter to read it. Joe wrote, having a great time, but still missing home. The funny thing is I found a photograph of me-self in the place were I' am staying, I have sent it with the letter,
         Your son Joe.

His father took out the Mirror from the envelope and looked into it, he then shouted for his wife. He said, Mary come and see how old our Joe has got, his wife came in and the both of them looked into Mirror, and Mary says, not a bit wonder with old bitch he's going about with.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: freda underhill
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:09 AM

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: freda underhill
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:16 AM

Earlier this week in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile.

Commentators noted that apart from President Bush, Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: freda underhill
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:27 AM

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: freda underhill
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:30 AM

Famous Last Words

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:36 AM

how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

one two one two

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Midchuck
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 10:25 AM

how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Or, alternatively, how many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm not sure...one?...five?...one?...five?...one?...five?...one?...five?

Peter.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Psychologist extraordinaire
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:34 AM

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb. The answer is three, one to actually change it but two to question it to see if it really wants to change.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:53 AM

i think we should start a light bulb joke thread

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:58 AM

here is a horrible Joke (warning)

knock knock
who's there
earl
earl who

Earl be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover

Sorry about that

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Me again
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:01 PM

Knock knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet evening, You will meet a stranger.

Knock knock. Who's there? Fire Drill. Firew Drill who?
Fire Drill the world, Everyday would be the first day of Spring

Almost as bad as yours or perhaps worse?

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Captain Ginger
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:09 PM

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wurlitzer.
Wurlitzer who?
Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maybe it's a big horse.
Maybe it's a big horse who?
Maybe it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Sorry, I'll get my coat.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: open mike
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:45 PM

a whole page full of musician jokes here:
http://www.ducksdeluxe.com/jokes.html

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:45 PM

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tarzan.
Tarzan who?
Tarzan old mill by the stream, Nellie Dean...


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chester,
Chester who?
Chester song at twilight, when the lights are low...


I'll get someone else's coat
Nigel

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 01:55 PM

Two old blokes sat together on a park bench for hours
in silence.

   Suddenly one of them sighs.

   The other jumps to his feet saying,"Look, if you're
going to talk politics I'm off!"






       Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 04:10 PM

How many members of the EFDSS does (did) it take to change a light bulb?

Change??????????
----------------------------------------------------------------
I put the did in because I believe that joke is a lot less true than it used to be.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Me again
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 04:58 PM

Ten doctors and ten lawyers were asked to test viagra. The doctors all reported increased virility and a better sex life. The lawyers bodies grew a little taller and a little stiffer.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 07:29 AM

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control Freak... Now you say "Control Freak who?"

I have no idea what EFDSS is or what it did or did not do.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Scrump
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 12:05 PM

Here's some old ones that for some reason I was reminded of by the above jokes.

News: an elephant was reported doing a ton on the M6 Midland Expressway today. Motorists are advised to approach with caution and treat it as a roundabout until it can be cleared up.

Meanwhile, on the M1 a truckload of strawberries collided with a tanker full of fresh cream. A police spokesman on the spot said: "Delicious!"

More traffic news: a truckload of wigs crashed on the M4 earlier in mysterious circumstances today. Police are combing the area for clues.

And a thief stole the toilets from the Bedford police station last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Finally, a large hole appeared in London's Oxford Street today. Police are looking into it.

And I regret to say there's more where they came from! :-D

Now, I'll get me coat before someone gets it for me.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 05:22 PM

They came from "The Two Ronnies".

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Splott Man
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:20 AM

They were "collected" by the Two Ronnies' scriptwriters.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:44 AM

And SCRUMP.....The Police Dog HQ was broken into and items stolen today. The Police spokesman said they have no leads.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:44 AM

Two men robbed a bank today. One was described as six feet four & blond, the other as five feet three & dark.
Police are searching high & low for the suspects.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Scrump
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 06:23 AM

Partly right guys - yes some were from the "Two Ronnies", but at least one was from "Round The Horne". They also used to have similar "fake announcement" type jokes on "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again". (I did say they were old jokes!)

And finally the Weather Forecast: it'll be dry in Rye, cool in Goole, and if you live in Lissingdown take an umbrella. (© 2 Ronnies)

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Trevor
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:03 AM

I'm a dyslexic satanist. I worship the drivel.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Trevor
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:05 AM

Frappe frappe














Qui est la?














Alors mi (pronounce the 's')














Alors mi qui?




Ho ho!

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Trevor
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:12 AM

Three nuns at the pearly gates.

St Peter tells them that they must answer a question correctly before they will be allowed to enter.

He asks the first one "What was the name of the first man in creation?"
"Adam" comes back the response.
"OK, you're in" says Pete.

Next one, he asks "What was the name of the first woman?"
"Eve" says she, and is duly let in.

Third nun is Mother Superior. "OK", says Pete, "this one will be a bit more difficult as you should know more.........what were Eve's first words to Adam when she saw him for the first time?"

"Mmmmmm....." says the Abbess, "...that IS a hard one...."

"Ok" he says, "come on in".

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,jimlad
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 01:12 PM

A lorry load of Viagra has been hijacked on the M1
Police are hunting a Gang of hardened criminals


They are now making 'Optrex Eye Drops ' with Viagra added
Does nothing for your eyes but it makes you look hard.


My neighbour got a Viagra tablet stuck in his throat.
He had a stiff neck for a week.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 05:54 PM

John Smith sees a road accident.

   When the police arrive, one says to J.S.,"I gather,sir,you saw the accident. I'll have to take a few particulars.

"Name,sir?"

"John Smith."

"No,sir,you're real name please."

"Oh.Oh,put me down as Winston Churchill."

"Win. ston. Church. ill. Thank you,sir. We don't take any of that 'John Smith stuff."




    Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 12:09 AM

"I called the police about the missing oscilloscope. They say they have a couple of leads."
"I hope this won't trigger a sweep of the neighborhood."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 03:54 AM

Thieves stole a cement truck, which overturned on the M1.
Police are hunting a Gang of hardened criminals.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Slag
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 05:52 AM

Confucious say "Man who squeeze through turnstile going to Bangkok!"

What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Scrump
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 07:19 AM

More old Two Ronnies news items:

A pickpocket was chased out of Battersea Funfair today and ran into the Post Office Tower. Police immediately threw a ring around it - and the Postmaster General gave them a goldfish.

A man who threw his mother-in-law into the crocodile pool at Bellevue Zoo has been prosecuted by the RSPCA.

And a man was detained at Savile Row police station after an incident involving a topless model in an Oxford Street store window. He was arrested and later charged with a smash and two grabs.

Finally, during the University Boat Race, a drunk and disorderly Cambridge fan who urinated from the Hammersmith Bridge while the Oxford crew were passing underneath, was accused of having one over the eight.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:02 AM

Dolly Parton and Camilla Parker-Bowels die on the same day and arrive at the pearly gates together. St Peter says "sorry ladies there is only room for one today,sort it out between you.

Dolly gets her boobs out and says " Just look at these beauties,God will enjoy seeing these"

Camilla gets a bottle of Perrier water and gives herself a vaginal douche.

" Come in Camilla" says St Pete

Dolly is furious and asks for an explanation.

"Well" says St Peter "Everyone knows a Royal Flush beats a Pair"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Scrump
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:20 AM

LOL :-D

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Scrump
Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:24 AM

Here's one I just made up myself:

It is reported that all the beds have been stolen from the sleeping quarters at the Police station. A spokeman said they will not rest until they have caught the criminals responsible.

...Oh well, please yourself.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Jan 07 - 07:11 AM

From The Two Ronnies.

Interpol want to question Joseph Camilleri, an itinerant farm worker who is the illegitimate sone of an excommunicated nun now living in Spain.

He is wanted for questioning in connection with looting in Israel and an armed bank raid in London.

Police are looking for a "Haifa-looting, Tooting shooting, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part time ploughboy Joe!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: eddie1
Date: 13 Jan 07 - 08:43 AM

Supposedly not a joke but something which actually happened. No offence to Mudcatters on the Western edge of the pond intended.

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that took place in Oct 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD.

Brits:   Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

Brits: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Brits: Negative. I say again, YOU will have to divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Brits: We are a lighthouse, F*** off.

Eddie

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: jeffp
Date: 13 Jan 07 - 12:28 PM

It's funny, Eddie, but unfortunately, it never happend. The real story.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 07 - 01:32 PM

In fact the Admiralty have admitted that this actually took place in 1967 but the details were 'classified' until 1997 when it was made public. It did happen!