BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 27 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM

Ragweed season is coming up. I have to move at the end of this month because I made a poor choice of housing due to having no other place to go at that time.

I've been sick since I moved in. I've been so sick it's been difficult to look for a place as I'm only somewhat functional in the late evenings. Lately I've either been asleep and unable to wake up, or awake and unable to sleep. The timing of either makes it difficult to do anything important, or to set up an appointment as I never know which way will be which next.

I still need to go to the doctor and apply for disability, as I was asleep during the day all of the last month, even missing appointments.

I don't know what to do. I have no place to go, even shelters aren't going to be ragweed-proof. I seriously doubt I'm going to make it through this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 09:57 PM

Ok, this is it.

I need a minimum of two years to reach financial stability. I have three days. To afford market rent for a place that won't make me sick in itself I'd need to be earning at least $1000 a month. Market rent is at least twice what welfare "allows" for it, and if I earn money to help myself out then welfare will deduct anything after $145, which isn't enough to cover the difference between what they give and what my most barebones budget is.

I'm not going to make it through this one without a full-fledged miracle, and you know what? God doesn't help people who can't help themselves. I've asked everyone I can think of for help and no-one is able *and* willing to help, not even people who have disposable income at greater than $10000 a year. I can't find a place to go that won't make me sick and that I can actually afford, and now I'm sick again so can't look, even though over 99% of the places I've called in the last two months have not even called me back so there's not much point in looking. I won't even be able to pack until the fourth day, which is when I have to be out of here.

I've been relying on God and on other people for a year now, and people are sick of helping. So there goes God, too.

I just hope that the people in Aurora will be ok with taking my stuff, then maybe I'll have a chance to start again later if I'm still alive.

I need to live in a bubble and because of that I'm just not going to make it this time. There's nothing I can do anymore. I've tried everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 10:25 PM

I'm here, hess.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 11:41 PM

hesperis, I don't understand. Don't you have a doctor? If you do have, isn't s/he aware of how desperate your situation is? Can't s/he put you in touch with an agency or some other kind of service? Surely with symptoms as severe as yours sound, there are things that can be done. There are other people with the same syndrome, I should think.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you feel that you understand your body better than anyone else can and that no one else -especially the medical community- can help, but let's face it- that approach hasn't been terribly effective. Maybe it's time you took some anti-allergens and whatever else a doctor will prescribe.

OK, OK. None of my business. But you really can't come onto these threads and push all our buttons like that and not expect some kind of undesired response.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM

Go to the nearest hospital tomorrow. Ask to see their social worker. Tell her you will be hospitalized for months unless you find some decent housing. Perhaps she/he can help.

Are you losing your lease at this house or having to leave for health reasons?

Are you wearing face masks etc. against the pollen?

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 04:44 PM

Thanks Susan. Thanks Ebbie.

I'm not sick enough to go to a hospital for it, especially since they'll just try to give me certain medications that I am allergic to. I am a little unwilling to go to the establishment, please try to remember that this is after several years of doctors saying it's all in my head and I just need to get a job... those particular doctors were later divested of their jobs through class action lawsuits, but the resistance to that kind of abuse is still there and still associated with going to any doctor.

I'm not going to be well enough to walk to the community health place until tomorrow. If I don't do it tomorrow, feel free to kick me.

If the Aurora people can't come get my stuff then a friend is coming up on Thursday to help me move the stuff, I can stay with another friend for a couple of days.

So, 5 days for a miracle now, at least.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 08:10 PM

If you feel sick enough to think you might die, which is the message I was reading, you are sick enough to go to a hospital and insist on help. Good luck with it all...mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 09:22 AM

Sometimes our Hesperis just needs a safe place to vent and let her own excellent thinking clear up for making a new beginning... a place to be reminded that there are smart, loving people who believe in her. And that's true, here at Mudcat.

Hes, I want you to talk to our daughter who has had many of the same challenges and comes to them from the same age and maturity I see in you. She's made some serious progress in the last year.

One piece I can tell you, from what she has shared with me, is the following.

Sometimes you have to follow conventional advice and take conventional steps in order to get to the place where you can do what you want, what gives you joy, what fits how you are created as a person. You have to trust yourself and believe in your dream enough to give it only a small amount of care and feeding on a daily basis while you build the capacity for it.... spend enough time and energy each day to be self-sufficient, and use the energy this generates, to grow the dream.

A short way of saying this is to observe that there are many people who want to do web design and a music career, but for most of us this has to be a hobby. The people who end up being able to do them professionally come to them from a strong base of health and at least some financial stability.... there are no Medici's to sponsor the starving artist in our present society, so we have to equip ourselves and support ourselves.....

I'd love to have someone fund my existence so I could teach water fitness and do gospel music all day, but as it is, these can only occupy my leisure time right now and so they are hobbies-- gifts I undeniably have, but which I can only offer as gifts to others. There's a lot of joy in that.

Keep plugging away, sweetie.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 04:18 PM

Went to the doctor. Have to go tomorrow to see a social worker who may be able to help with housing. The doctor is willing to give me a note that may help get me into subsidized housing faster than 5-7 years from now, but it may take a coule of months or so... I am also definitely applying for disability, and that would be enough for normal rent. That process takes at least 3 months for the initial application, which they usually refuse and you have to appeal until you get it.

So, I just have to survive ragweed season and I'll be in a much better place.

Still nothing for August though.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 09:18 PM

Excellent. Someone with your medical and financial problems just plain needs a social worker to cut through some of the red tape. You must take care of your basic needs first; the career stuff and art stuff can take a back burner until that happens, and it will. Then you will just soar...mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: harpgirl
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:09 PM

I agree with Susan's advice from yesterday, hesperis!( My God, it must be those witches doing witchcraft!!!!!)

How do you see your ideal lifestyle?

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 03:28 AM

What's happening, Hes?

Marion

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 02:10 PM

What's happening:

I've been staying with a friend in a tiny bachelor apartment so that I would be able to look for a place more effectively.

I found a room which is very close to perfect, hopefully the roommates will be good to live with. It's newly renovated so I don't know them yet, they're students at UofT. Hopefully I can persuade the landlord to put in laundry machines, as that's the only thing it's missing. Affordable and highspeed net included! I'll actually be able to buy food!

I'm moving in tomorrow.

I got my first professional web design contract, and am very excited about it. It's for a creative project, too!

Allergies are the same as ever. If I'm outdoors or around outdoor air too much, I get really tired and various things hurt. The new place has central air conditioning and no-one smokes, so it's perfect! I'll be able to be healthy enough while indoors that I can go out and then recover later.

As for the library books, not yet, but if there are any fines I'll pay them of course.

*Hugs everybody* Things are looking up.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 12:53 AM

that's wonderful. You might hold off on the laundry machines..you might not do well with the various chemicals people have in their soaps etc...maybe better for now to rinse stuff out in the sink and hang up to dry..I have a little rack I use indoors if necessary. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 10:49 PM

Hi Hes. Got your call but screwed up yout phone number. Can you leave another message?

Cheers

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 02:19 AM

Hey, sorry, Rick! I should have called again after we met up with Hawk, duh.

I've given CarolC your number though. They'll be leaving in the morning sometime, hopefully you guys can meet up. I won't be awake in the morning.

They'll be heading back sometime soon, hopefully, just not with her son.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 11:03 AM

Ok, moved into the new place. Since it's got tiled floors, it's much better, although there's cockroaches and flies and it does smell a bit musty. However, I am feeling much stronger here, and it's got me through the worst part of ragweed. Now that the days are getting a little bit cooler, the smog won't be so bad and I'll be increasingly ok healthwise.

The roommates aren't working out that well, mostly because they don't really know English so I find it difficult to talk to them about what is needed around the apartment. (As in, no leaving yellow liquid on the toilet seat, please!) One roommate found this place so intolerable that she moved out, swapping with a friend. So now there's two males here. They both want the kitchen window to be open, though, and unfortunately the next-door neighbors smoke on their front porch, so I've gotten sick a few times from that when I've been too asleep to immediately close it when I smell that it's open. I've begged the guys to not open it, and even talked with the landlord, and nothing. :(

A friend of a friend would be a perfect roomie for me since he's allergic to the great outdoors, so I'm trying to persuade him to split the entire apartment with me. The rent would be higher, but the living situation woud be much more agreeable. Also, if we split it, there would be one spare bedroom that could be converted to a Games Room and also have a spare bed for when friends from out of town visit.

If the landlord and my two roommates don't go for it, then we'll be looking for a place for Oct or Nov.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 04:44 PM

Shucks do I have to be Conventional, Instutional, Dissilllusional

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 04:46 PM

You can't we outside the tent - THEY will lock youup

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 05:20 PM

The kitchen window is next to your bed? Or, your air cleaner and a closed bedroom door do not take care of it? Did you put a towel across the crack under the door?

Can you add a HEPA filter to the kitchen window opening?

Can someone help you make a little card to put in that wiondow that reads, "When you open this window, I get sick and maybe have to go to the hospital." Best would be a note from your doctor, translated into your roomies' language, saying something about it. Do you have any leftover prescriptions you can use creatively to make such a note?

As far as the yellow material-- well, guys are like that, ya gotta look before you sit, sweetie. Just be grateful they leave the seat down for you!

Suggestion-- be cautious about that "it would be perfect" mind set when you consider new plans. If you can make a new habit, of reducing your expectations, you may find the realities a little less dramatically disappointing. This will probably lead to making it a tad more comfortable to cope with other people's needs, for you-- and them. And you may find others more cooperative in the end result you want.

You don't need to be in survival-at-all-costs mode any more, tho I know you have been, many times. But now, you can afford to consider some of the community-making aspects of your present life.   Honest-- it's really safer than it feels. You ARE really stronger.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: curmudgeon
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 06:27 PM

What language do your roomates have? Surely someone here can provide a translation to be made into signs and notes.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 08:52 AM

Well, the friend of a friend still wouldn't be perfect as in perfect... nothing is. However, I can actually talk to him as things come up, not waiting to find a translator and losing the moment when it might actually have any effect.

And... the biggest advantage is that there might be room for my friends to actually visit. There's no living room here, so trying to find "community" with two people who are either out or asleep or in their rooms studying... isn't really working.

Mutual friends and mutual interests, and mutual allergies... would make it likely that I'd stay here for quite a while, not just until December or so. With these roomies, there's no way I'd stay until spring. I've already tried talking to them. One... is not compassionate at ALL. The other... might be ok, but I can't entirely trust him because of how the other guy is behaving.

It might happen for November.

I just have to get through October.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 09:26 AM

.... so are you and the potential roomie talking now to hammer out what you both need and want and hope for-- making a set of basic agreements? It's the unspoken expectations that create problems.

Sometimes the best resolution, when you are hearing, "No, I can't do that." ... is... "OK, thanks for letting me know, so I can be prepared to find a solution for myself about it." Instead of relying on someone else to comply with what you want, you can form a mental habit of trusting yourself to be creative enough to find a way to work with the situation from your own end of it. Otherwise, you might as well be living in a bubble of isolation.

This will not only be true about roommates.... it's an attitude of self-reliance you will have to cultivate in yourself, as well, in the work and social environment, and there is only so much control you can exert in these.

And all that depends on learning a new, higher level of trust and concern about yourself, as you continue to get better-- behaving as though you are actually much stronger than you feel like you are, because now you look forward, not backwards-- see?-- to assume your own survival, and make decisions and take action from that place.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 12:50 PM

I've talked to the potential roommate enough that he's aware of a lot of my issues, I'm aware of a lot of his issues, and I know that we're both willing to talk about adjusting to the things that come up.

The current roommates, or, one of them... is not even willing to talk.

I'm beginning to get a rash from the toilet here and have a slight infection as well. I am not a happy camper, and he doesn't give a damn.

The other roommate is tolerable, but... he's not exactly here enough for me to really talk to him.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,zach
Date: 02 May 04 - 01:44 PM

i rely want a baby duck