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BS: Joke thread for 2024
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Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Dec 23 - 12:16 PM As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams. A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.” The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!” (Cheers, RD!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 31 Dec 23 - 12:36 PM I asked my blonde lady friend why she had named her dogs 'Rolex' and 'Timex' 'Helloooo' she said, 'isn't it obvious....they're watch dogs'!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 31 Dec 23 - 02:13 PM blue fish red fish dead fish blue fish The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest including creatures who crawl, run and creep I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep. The kittens nestle close to their mothers now. The lambs have laid down with the sheep. You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear Now go the fuck to sleep. Dr. Neuss |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:24 PM A young girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings, his general scruffiness. The girl's mum says quietly to her daughter, “Darling, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, for goodness sake, mum," says the daughter, "If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 01 Jan 24 - 08:40 AM That's disturbing, Don. Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:14 AM Just seen in RISKS Digest:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:26 AM I heard that that was actually a true story, gillymor. Names different, of course! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:41 AM Wouldn't be surprised. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Geoff Wallis Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:56 AM It's always wise to check Snopes. Birdwatchers call each other As penance, here's some Ken Dodd gags. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it. I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Jan 24 - 12:38 PM Heard Doddy saying this on the wireless when we were on holiday in Criccieth in 1965: "What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for jumping naked into a supermarket trolley and shouting, 'How about THIS for a special offer!'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:12 PM Oh, Steve, what an image, thank you! Somehow my visual has an oldish curmudgeonly Brit in it, telling folks not to put garlic in things... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:53 PM SOME things! And never applied via a garlic crusher! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jan 24 - 09:38 AM By coincidence, Biden and Trump die on the same day. They both see that the stairway to heaven has no handrail at the pearly gate. St. Peter tells them they are both welcomed by executive privilege. Biden starts climbing up the stairs on all fours. Trump asks Peter "Is there an escalator"? NO "How about an elevator"? NOO Trump calls heaven a shit hole, shuffles back to his limo, and takes the highway to hell. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:20 AM And the punchline is...? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:47 AM Pretending to be a dumb shithead isn't always a pretense. Gary Larson is on the far side but Republicans are over the edge. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Jan 24 - 11:27 AM We understand it Don. It just isn't funny. I suspect that it could be a transatlantic thing. There are are some US comedy shows and stand ups that work on both sides of the pond but I do find a lot of US comedy about as funny as toothache. I think it is the same the other way too. How about some Christmas cracker jokes :-D Why was the snowman in veg patch? He was picking his nose What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet? A mistle-toad What happened to the man that stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Jan 24 - 11:47 AM Excellent snowman joke. Steve, my visual is now brandishing a garlic press. Whee! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jan 24 - 12:13 PM American and Australian humor must be far more hardcore than yours. I should assume you guys are delicate and fragile. How did a flower get elected? "It 'rose' to the occasion! What do you call a flower that makes electricity? A power plant! What do you call a clumsy flower? A Whoopsi-Daisy. What did the bee say to the flower? You're pollen my leg! Why did the chicken cross the toad? It was Good Friday. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:00 PM It's not a transatlantic thing, Dave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:27 PM I'm glad you said that. Understanding a funny joke has nothing to do with not being fragile or delicate and there's no such thing as a hard-core joke. Donuel's jokes are not funny and they're not even jokes. They are simply attempts at polluting what's supposed to be a light-hearted thread with trolling. It's a worrying sign that there's something gone badly wrong in the upstairs department. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, matey!" I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 03:20 PM I'm only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. (Shaddup, I've only got one coat!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Jan 24 - 04:51 AM Thanks gillymor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:18 AM A Pagan died on Christmas and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said. The Pagan asked why... "You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good." "But "Yule is a solstice celebration observed by Pagans as the second sabbat of the Wheel of the Year, marked with rituals to welcome the return of the Sun and celebration of light before Jews and Christians made up Hannukah and Christmas !" Peter said : "Forget it, we're in charge now" The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well - Pagan...When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time...A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 4-star slightly seedy resort... "Woww!" thinks the Pagan, "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here." Suddenly, the sky gets black ...and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth...After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again... "What in Hell was that?" the Pagan asks Satan... Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:56 AM You posted that joke on 23 December. I must say, it hasn't improved much. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Jan 24 - 10:06 AM Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. At the moment I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I simply can't put it down. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 04 Jan 24 - 12:22 PM Stop me if you've heard this one- Doctor: Mr. Jones, I'm afraid you only have only 6 weeks to live. Jones: Oh God what terrible news! Doctor: It could be worse. Jones: HOW, how in heaven's name could it be worse? Doctor: Well, it could have been me. Another oldie- Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM A blind man went into a bar with his guide dog. All of a sudden, to the horror of everyone in the bar, he grabbed the dog's tail with both hands and swung the dog round his head. "Oi, mate, what do you think you're doing!" shouted the barman. "Nothing really," said the bloke, "Just looking around..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:21 PM A bloke was at the pearly gates, hoping to get into heaven. St Peter sez to him, "Not sure about you. Have you ever done a really good deed with which you can impress me?" "Well, there was this vulnerable young woman who was being seriously harassed by three big bikers. I went up to the biggest one, kicked him in the nuts and told the other two that if they pestered the girl again they'd have me to answer to." "Wow, that's mighty impressive! So when did this happen?" "Two minutes ago." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:43 PM Two old blokes were having a natter. One sez, "You know, my biggest regret is that I never had a proper education, so I'm going to sign up at the local college." So off he goes, and the dean says to him that he can sign up for English, maths, history and logic. "Logic?" Sez he, "What's that??" "Well let me give you an example. Have you got a weed wand?" "Well yes..." "Well I conclude from that that you have a garden." "Well yes I do!" "And from that, I conclude that you have a house." "That's true!" "And from that I conclude that you have a family." "Wow, right again!" "So you have a wife..." "Absolutely - right again!" "So you must be heterosexual." "Gosh, right again!" He goes back to his friend and tells him that he's signed up for English, Maths, history and logic. "Logic?" Sez his friend, "What's that?" "Well, I'll give you an example, right? Have you got a weed wand?" "Er, no..." "Jaysus, you queer!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:58 PM Not a joke as such, but today at the Morrisons checkout (I was buying, er, several bottles of wine...), the lady doing the checkout told me she'd thought of doing dry January but had changed her mind. "Excellent," said I, "It's a very silly idea anyway!" She said she'd decided to do "dry Lent" instead. I had to inform her of that thing she hadn't thought about, that January has only 31 days whereas Lent has forty days and forty nights. She went all quiet on me. I'll be back tomorrow to see whether she's altered her thinking... :-) (I forgot to get mozzarella anyway!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: G-Force Date: 05 Jan 24 - 04:21 AM ... which is why I prefer dry February. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:01 AM I'm a dry Good Friday morning man myself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:35 AM I gave up drinking once. Worst 2 hours of my life. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:50 AM I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:53 AM Bloke rings up his doctor, "Doc, I think my son's got the clap. Thing is, the only person he's ever shagged is our cleaning lady." "Don't worry, old chap, just bring him in and we'll sort it..." "Thing is, doc, I've been shagging her as well and now I've got symptoms too..." "Don't worry, both come in and we'll sort you out..." "But doc, I think my wife's also got it..." "Oh shit!" sez the doc, "That means we've all got it!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 05 Jan 24 - 09:49 AM My barber doesn't cut hair any longer....... he does cut it shorter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Sol Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:47 PM I bumped into an old work mate from the sawmill the other day. He gave me a high two. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 06 Jan 24 - 06:35 AM The chief constable was interviewing three candidates for the job of detective. He called the first one in, showed him a photo and said, "This is a photo of a suspect. Look closely and tell me what you make of it." "Well, sir, the man has only the one eye." "You fool! It's a profile photo and you can't see his other eye! Get out!" He called in the next candidate, showed him the photo and asked him the same question. "Well, sir, he's got just the one ear..." "Idiot! There's no way you can tell that from his profile! Get out!" In came the third candidate and he was asked the same question. "Well, sir, this man wears contact lenses." The chief constable pored over the photo and he couldn't see how the chap could have made such an assertion, but he decided to check the suspect's records. He discovered that the suspect did indeed wear contact lenses. "That's quite remarkable," he said to the candidate, "Tell me, how did you work that one out?" "Well, sir, as he's got only one eye and one ear there's no way he could wear ordinary specs..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 24 - 10:17 AM Bloke goes in a cafe and orders pissoles and chips "Oh, sorry", says the owner. "That's a misspelling. It should be an 'r', not a 'p'" "OK. I'll have arseoles and chips then" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Jan 24 - 10:29 AM Hmm. I've never tried pork scratchings with chips... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 24 - 11:13 AM Yorkshire couple on a coach tour of Wales "Whats that building over there?" "Tintern Abbey" " 'tis an abbey..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Jan 24 - 06:47 PM A Yorkshireman's beloved dog has just died. He goes to the jewellers. "Eyup, lad, can tha mek me a gold statue o' me whippet?" "Certainly, sir. Would you like it eighteen carat?" "Nay, yer daft bugger. Just chewin' a bone..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 09 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM Woman took her two dead monkeys to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked 'Do you want them mounted'? She replied 'No thanks, just holding hands' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 24 - 12:26 PM "Mummy, mummy, all the kids at school are teasing me because I’m still a virgin!” "Well, lad, go back and start giving them bad marks for their essays and they’ll stop.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Jan 24 - 07:38 PM What, don't they think you're good enough for your Pa?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 24 - 07:42 AM I think it is probably a hillbilly type keep it in the family reference, Steve. A bear comes limping into a saloon in the wild west. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 11 Jan 24 - 08:24 AM Installing mirrors is a job I can see myself doing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 11 Jan 24 - 09:04 AM Jack was from a poor family with many siblings. As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education. His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses. However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis. Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe. Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan. His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide. His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 24 - 01:48 PM What do the d9nkeys on Blackpool beach get for dinner? Half an hour like everyone else |
