BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 11:42 AM

Reporting from work... scanning slides into the computer, ten minutes between each slide for whatever I want to do. ;)

Susan - I know you've been through it. I'm just really despairing right now because I don't know where I'll be living in two weeks. It's just stress, I've moved too many times this year already. 29 times in 23 years, and no end in sight. I've been looking for apartments and can't find anything yet. Not that I can afford $600 a month in rent anyway, whether I'm working or not. Which means women's shelters, and I probably can't take my computer with me to those... which means I wouldn't be able to work on either projects or schoolwork. So... the housing/work situation looks very bleak two weeks from now. I just don't know...

I've also been doing not much else but crying for the past two weeks, because I didn't want to leave the place I was staying. I'm really missing those people. Ok, I *was* emailing people looking for a place to stay or people to share with and looking for an apartment. And doing work for Hero6.

Mary - Health care doesn't cover alternative treatment, or alternative dental work. (I have high levels of mercury as it is, and am allergic to that, too.) Health care does cover the cost of going to an optometrist for a prescription, but does not cover filling the prescription with glasses.

If I go to welfare for help, or to legal aid for help getting welfare, it would be better to do that after actually getting the loans. I have to get ID and photo ID to get the loans, and I spent that money on food, because I couldn't bear stealing food from my roommates any longer. (I paid them back.)

I am currently in a job and inelegible for welfare, even though the job is only going to last about a week, and get me about $600 (hey, that's $80 more than the maximum welfare for the month). So I get ID and pay off $400 in debt as soon as I get that, then get the loans, then apply for welfare. (I've applied for the loans and have four weeks to get the supporting documentation.)

If I had applied for welfare before, I would have been kicked off as soon as I got the loan, so I'd be in the same situation, except that this way I can actually do some work to help people out AND get money.

People need to be needed, too. Maybe that's why I love Hero6 so much... because of me, the team KNOWS that we're 40% final on the music, and we KNOW what needs to be done to get even further.

I'm not needed flipping burgers or doing counter work, I'd need to be able to see, I'd need to be steady in energy rather than fluctuating depending on circumstances I can't control, and with that type of work I can't simply roll out of bed into a chair, toss a blanket over myself and work WHILE I'm sick.

So... I need to get this CD done and get some help about marketing it. Because I can actually do that, just add receiving money for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:41 PM

I must admit I am trying to follow this and I am confused. What are the loans for? (You can bc me with this or just not answer as it is so personal). School? If you feel you can't work, how can you go to school in probably a fast-paced situation? Go to a regular doctor if you can't get an alternative one. Get your eyes checked and get a prescription. These loans don't sound like a good idea to me. Is there someone here who is a financial counselor who could give you input? From where I sit, it looks like going on welfare, eating as well as you can, resting a lot, and finishing your cd with your limited energy might be the best situation. You obviously won't be able to afford an apartment; probably have to rent a room for now. It's a not great situation, but it looks to me like you are turning down some options that can help you recover healthwise.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:49 PM

Hess, I see how the plans all link together. But on a day to day basis, if you focus firmly on what you can actually do that day, and on all the good things surrounding you, the rest of the pieces will come together. For example, if the day comes that what you can do that day is move to the shelter, then you will also find a way to keep using a computer to do everything else that you can do.

It is very hard, I know, to keep making long range plans and working toward them, AND live one day at a time. My experience has been that when the long range plan and the one-day-at-a-time don't mesh, and result in more stress instead of more solutions, then the person may not yet be on the right mission they are called to be on. Sometimes that mission changes when we are not looking. Needing to be needed, and being called to be needed, may not be the same thing. So if pursuit of the longer plan makes the daily function go down and down, something is wrong with that picture somewhere.

If on the other hand you find (logically and dispassionately) that the daily function IS going in an upward direction, but just FEELS like death, then what is needed is probably more silent laptime. The tears may not be the problem-- the lack of a safe lap to shed them, and a hand drawing your attention back into the good things in present time afterwards, may be what's actually missing here.

When I have counseled on (as counselor and as client) chronic deep physical distress, the most important resource has been the frequent opportunity just to be held gently in a collapsed postion, belly to belly like a newborn should be draped over the curve of the mother's belly, and allowed to let go for a break from the need to keep thinking, solving, surviving. A place to say, "OK, I am not going to fight to be alive, for the next ten minutes, and YOU are in chage of the whole UNIVERSE for that long. Stand guard for me!" Tears, laughter, and a healing sort of yawning follow in short order. That's been more useful to me, because that lap has been there, than anything else. More valuable than my amazing persistence, more valuable than my incredible intelligence and limitless creativity in the face of despair, more valuable than all the help I got-- because what it gave me was more mental slack to live in the world each day.

Do you have a lap like that at your disposal, or can you put anyone in touch with me who I can teach how to give that kind of lap?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 01:04 PM

((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs, hesperis)))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 02:29 PM

Mary - I am worried about being able to handle school, however the course I've chosen includes a lot of work I can do on my own, and it will give me the practical training I need to make all my projects actually happen.

Susan - yeah, it is getting better, just doesn't feel that way because I'm worrying about where I'm staying again. And you are right, I'd figure some way of access to my computer. *g*

I could definitely use hugs. Real ones.

I guess it's because I felt like I fit in at the apartment, even though the others smoke and watch movies all the time and have parties and I'm not into that stuff. I could contribute there, not so much in money, but in other things (none of them is much for housework and I'm much better trained after Burlington, and I was providing everyone with internet access without asking them to pay a share of it).

I've never really fit in with other people so well, and now I have to leave, not because they want me to, or because I want to, but because one of their parents is the landlord and he decided that he didn't want me there. (After talking to me for a total of 5 seconds in person, basically "hi" and "nice to meet you" and "goodbye", he thinks I'm "taking advantage" of his daughter's generosity. Riiiiiight...) It's not ideal, but I sort-of belonged... for once...

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 02:48 PM

Back to the apartment situation: Could you put in writing to the landlord father that you are not imposing, but the agreement was that you would do the cooking and some of the housekeeping in exchange for rent. That you do not drink, smoke or party (assuming these are true)and that the roommates appreciated your presence and it was for a defined period of time, say one year. Then get daughter and roommates to back you up. Seems like father landlord would want a good influence on his daughter.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 06:13 PM

check this out..http://sms.humberc.on.ca/main.htm

biggest media school in Canada and I think I saw something that said $1400/year, plus probably lots of financial aid, work study, and support services. For a Plan B or C perhaps. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 12:26 AM

read up on leaky gut syndrome...maybe starting here: http://www.health-n-energy.com/ronagut.htm

Something is underlying these multiple health problems and maybe it is leaky gut. If you have IBS, seriously consider it. Read up on coconut milk and oil and health benefits thereof, especially for IBS and yeast problems. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 01:35 PM

Thanks Mary.

The landlord is the type of person who doesn't change his mind once he's made it up, and he's threatened to evict everyone (EVERYONE) if I stay there or go back there. The others are terrified of him, and I really don't think he's the type of person who would even listen once he's made up his mind. (Which he made up in the first week of my arrival, before even meeting me.)

Other colleges may be an option, however I did a lot of research prior to choosing a college and this program is definitely what I need in terms of education. If I don't go there I would be better off to study on my own, basically.

Now, for the leaky gut stuff.

"To reverse the leaky gut syndrome the diet must be completely changed to one which is as hypoallergenic as possible. Sugar, white flour products, all gluten containing grains (especially wheat, barley, oats and rye), milk and dairy products, high fat foods, caffeine products, alcohol and hidden food allergies determined by testing must all be eliminated for long periods of time (several years in the more severe cases).

Leaky gut syndrome patients can help themselves by chewing their food more thoroughly, following the basic rules of food combining, eating frequent small meals rather than three large ones and taking more time with their meals. Gastrointestinal function can be improved with a juice fast or a hypoallergenic diet and supplements like lactobacillus acidophilus and bifidus as well as FOS (fructooligosaccharides) derived from Jerusalem artichoke, chicory, the dahlia plant or burdock root.

Beneficial supplements for leaky gut syndrome:

Natural digestive enzymes - from plant (e.g. bromelain, papain) or pancreatic animal tissues (porcine, bovine, lamb) and aloe vera juice with high MPS concentration (good brands are International Aloe, Earthnet and Royal); stomach enhancing supplements- betain and pepsin, glutamic acid, stomach bitters, apple cider vinegar; amino acids - L-glutamine, N-acetyl-glucosamine (NAG) essential fatty acids - milled flax, flax seed oil, evening primrose oil, borage oil, olive oil, fish oil, black current seed oil; soluble fiber - pysillium seed husks and powder, apple and citrus pectin, the rice derived gamma oryzanol; antioxidants- carotenoids, B complex. vitamin C, E, zinc, selenium, germanium, coenzyme Q10, bioflavinoids, especially quercetin, catechin, hesperidin, rutin and proanthocyanidins (pycnogonals, grape seed extract, pine bark extract, bilberry; herbs and plant extracts - kudzu, various high chlorophyll containing green drinks like spirulina, chlorella and blue-green algae, burdock, slippery elm, Turkish rhubarb, sheep sorrel, licorice root, ginger root, goldenseal, bismuth and bentonite. Combination Green Foods - two excellent products are Green Life (bioquest) and Greens+ (Supplement Plus)."

Before receiving the allergy treatments that I had last year, I was actually allergic to basic nutrients such as protein, vitamin c, b vitamins, vitamin a, iron, calcium, minerals, oils, and a whole ton of other stuff. I'm still allergic to a whole ton of other stuff, but have noticed a marked improvement since the treatment.

I am still allergic to such supplements as green foods because they contain pollen. Since the treatment for leaky gut suggests eliminating foods one is allergic to, it would be better to eliminate the allergies which are present and which are the most obvious cause of not assimilating nutrients. Then hopefully such things as indigestion would not be as much of a problem, since the body's systems would have the nutrients available for repair work. I always chew my food very thoroughly, and prefer a more nutritious diet rather than junk, but it wasn't until I was no longer allergic to iron and calcium that I began actually absorbing iron and calcium from the food I ate.

A leaky gut somewhat explains food allergies, but it does not explain contact allergies, where if you so much as touch the substance you have a reaction. If people were in the habit of eating pet hair and pollen and poison ivy it would make more sense.

Now that I am no longer allergic to certain nutrients I have noticed improvements in many areas. So I think it is indeed allergies that are at the root cause of all these symptoms.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 03:19 AM

Just posted something important at my site.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 02:01 PM

Okay, I read it...

I have always wondered about that whole thing too, where various famous people say to "follow your dream" no matter what, and you will get there. Well, they did, but does that mean that everyone will? My father never quit following his dream, and it has led fairly much to a lifetime of business failures in his chosen field, and cost various other people a lot of time and money. In other words, he's been beating his head fruitlessly against a wall for about 80 years, seeking fame and fortune. I can think of other people I know who have done that too, and caused great grief to themselves and others in the process.

It's a puzzler. Are the famous people who give this gungho advice absolutely right...or are they just exceptional people in the first place, who were in the right place at the right time?

I don't know.

One thing though, I always have to admire people who have that kind of focused motivation...it's way better than having no motivation at all, that's for sure.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 08:21 PM

Focus without foundation is failure as much as foundation without focus is failure. There are a lot of things in my life right now that I "always wanted to do;" now I can see that no matter how desperately I wanted them, none of them could happen till I had the foundation built (including giving up urgency and struggle as a way of being). I went pretty fast and broke quite a few eggs, but I will turn 50 this spring and just now can I see that I AM doing what I always wanted to do, PLUS I have a full life to go with it.

Our society lies. It tells our young people that we are entitled to have thing be as we wish, and that things we want can come instantly. In fact we MAY have things as we wish IF we do the things that bring them about, including building a platform upon which they can be sustained. But this is cause and effect, not the fulfillment of a right. And nothing actually happens instantly. There are always invisible parts of the process that take lots and lots of time.

What we CAN do is choose to be well and pursue wellness, choose to be positive in any moment that invites us to be otherwise, and choose whether to move forward in actuality, or to hope and think we are moving forward while actually staying stuck, slipping backwards, or hopping back and forth.

The successful human beings I have known and chosen as role models have known that, lived it, and insisted on it while I raged against it.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 10:17 PM

Well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head, Susan. Agreed.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 10:35 PM

Well put, Susan. Some may also put it that what we think we really want, i.e. our dream, may not be, at any given point, that which is for our highest good. There is great power in giving up/releasing and going about something else. That something else sometimes becomes the foundation you speak of, but this isn't obvious to us at the time.

One person I know likened it to planting seeds. If the soil was fertile, they would keep up with the tending, even if it needed a bit of rough hoeing once in awhile, etc. If, no matter what they did, nothing seemed to work, they'd move on to a new patch, so to speak.

I don't believe there is any one specific route to a dream, the world is infinite. I do believe it is important not to try to force anything and to give thanks for "this (whatever we are trying to achieve/manifest) or something better for the highest good of all concerned." FWIW

I didn't really explain the subconscious/computer thing very well. What I meant was our subconscious cannot tell the difference between what is good for us and what may be harmful. We feed it data as we might a computer and it sets to work at manifesting whatever we've fed it. It is up to us to focus and imput as much positive as possible, while still recognising the things which may seem wrong and working on improving them as well as we are able.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 11:04 PM

I think it's important to remember (we gray-hairs) that it's only from living through much struggle of the magnitude Hess describes that we've gotten to a place where we can do two valuable things extremely well:

1. Remind people that relaxing is sometimes even more important than struggling

2. Stay relaxed while someone has the rant, venting, and rage that naturally follow being reminded to relax. :~*)

I have saluted our Hesperis from the start for being clear that she needed a safe place to rant-- the first threads on this run of "how's-Hesperis-doing" were titled as "need to rant" after all. You go, girl!

I trust her to keep ranting and to keep continuing to think for herself, post-rant, creatively and relaxedly. We might not get to hear about that part, but that's part of the invisible process that leads to "instant success."

Geeze, a girl's got a right to rant!

So Hess, keep telling us how it all feels-- maybe the amount of advice offered has made the threads less than fully safe to do that, so PMs might work better.

The fact that we know, from our great, aged vantage point, that it will all turn out just fine, does not mean your friends don't notice or care how awful this part is (and, to be honest, probably will be for some time).

love,

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 11:18 PM

Since Hes seems to be cookie-less and apparently e mail less as well, I would just like to know if she recieved all 24 pages of the Turkish music that I sent her by e mail. She has not responded to either e mail or PM....Hes, are you out there??? (I hope she did recieve it, because I lost it all in the hard drive crash last week. I would have to re scan and re send......) Please let me know, OK, Hes?

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 03:44 AM

Just one thought and then I'll go.
There's a thin line between ranting and wallowing.
I know - if you don't like it don't read it.....
Bye

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM

It took a while to get internet set up on my own computer after I moved to the job place. Right now I'm at a friends' place and don't want to forget to log OUT.

I got the files, thanks, Sorcha. Email receiving is fine, but I can't send right now, and will just have to put up with that as the employer doesn't want to tell me the account information for their connection. (Even though their daughter is using my connection.) So until I'm back in my own place I'll be unable to send emails through my main accounts. It won't be long though.

Susan - very useful stuff. I'm going to try a few things, like talking honestly to the school about why they want me as a student and what I need from them. If they cannot respond to that, then that truly isn't the place to go.

I went to the computer festival yesterday, and got ink. Tried to negotiate the price down on an optical mouse with scrollwheel (so that I could use my current scrollwheel on my older computer), but the guy wouldn't go for it. Found it MUCH cheaper at another stand, so HA!

Then later on, one of the vendors gave me a set of speakers (worth $5 but still probably better than my 4-year-old other speakers which have a short in one of the wires,) and a REALLY OLD 386 laptop with no power supply. The guy didn't even know what is in it. I have to figure out how to get power into it, but is that not AWESOME? He was calling out "Free speakers with any purchase!" and I just started laughing, and joked a bit that he'd been at the show too long. Guess he was bored, lol. Still, very sweet.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:48 PM

Keep walking, girl. Add a little swing to that step.... soon it will be dancing through each day. Cuz you is our DANCin' girl!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 11:39 PM

WOW! The new mudcat is awesome!

Line
breaks!

PREVIEW! I always catch typos in a preview if I'm going to catch 'em. *grin*

Had to say that. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled discussion now:

---

Went to the Academy today and had talks with several people. They were all very concerned and sympathetic and hoping I could somehow work it out, and they tried to talk to their superiors about it, but no. It was suggested that I work part-time on the weekends to pay for the course. When I explained about the allergies they began to understand, but there was still nothing they were allowed to do about it. The course is supposed to be very intensive, there's no way I could work on the weekends and do something like this, when it will be a major challenge to do it in the first place!

That school is not set up to invest in people. It's set up to invest in the latest technology in order to get large tuition fees from students, but it is not set up to truly invest in the success of said students.

So no, it is not the best place for me.

I am sad to lose the $100 registration fee, but am happy about my decision. Plan B it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 11:55 AM

I must say I am happy to hear this....it sounded like too big a chunk to bite at one time with your health challenges. It has been my experience that the private technical schools are excellent in their educational components, although very expensive, but they just can't offer the support services that many students need. If Plan B includes a community college, it looked like George Brown college had many openings to start in January in many programs. It was on their web site.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 12:32 PM

I think I would appeal the $100 admission fee on the grounds of disability and their inability to provide for you.    mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Oct 02 - 11:43 PM

The job is almost over, I have no place to stay after that. Since I owe money for the last two months, I don't have money for rent anywhere. Can't get welfare if you aren't already renting somewhere. I'll probably have to go to a shelter, and hope to put all my stuff into storage with the ex-bf.

Then... I have no clue. Maybe try to apply to some cheaper college for the spring term, somewhere with residence so I don't have to stay in shelters too long.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 02 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM

can you apply for the winter term? That is sooner. Apply for welfare right now while you have an address. And then find someone with a local college who works with these problems all the time. He/she can help you get the resources you need.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 12:01 AM

check this doctor out..I just found her on the internet..not even sure she is an M.D. but she does environmental and complimentary medicine...

click for doctor
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 12:32 AM

wow...this is amazing. this doctor is a speaker at various environmental illness conventions. Do a google search under Riina Bray Toronto and you'll see several things. Here is one.

http://users.lmi.net/~wilworks/timbolen/quakrage.htm

editorial on environmental illness conference

Please give her a call. It sounds like you definitely have enviromental illness, and it is considered a disability, as it most definitely is if it keeps you from most work environments.

Please check this out and let us know if anything comes of it.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 09:45 AM

Do you have a Cdn equivalent law for our Americans with Disabilities Act? Rights for disabled people. Do a search on ours to see what it is.

Do you have a Cdn equivalent for our Social Security Diability Benefit? It isn't welfare exactly, it's for people unable to work because they have been certified as disabled.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:02 PM

Thanks guys.

Environmental illness = allergies to various environmental things, such as it interferes with having a normal life. Yep, that's me.

The difficulty is proving that you have it and that it is disabling. And social security doesn't necessarily take the doctor's word for it. It depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you, who may know nothing about disability, or who may just decide that you're not disabled *enough* to get disability.

And there's always the doubt... what if people are right? What if all I have to do is apply myself? What if I am just lazy? I think I know myself better than that, and ambition and laziness don't really mix well. But there's always the doubt, even when I've tried all the advice, and it still hasn't worked, that maybe they're right.

But... I will contact that clinic.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:51 PM

A few tough comments and questions offered to one who I think knows I love her dearly....

Well, let's see, does it make more sense to use the resources your country provides, like God only knows how many other people are doing while leading wonderful lives, or does it make more sense to weave together a complicated and very incomplete, ever-shifting tapestry of lots of other people doing little things if and when they can, to help?

And in that tapestry, how do you keep it updated so it's effective? Like our housing offer way back when-- it was solid at the time it was advanced, but now that you have not been here creating a future here, and the room has gone unused, I've found other uses for the room and those uses are creating their own futures.

So I think at a certain point when you are living on the edge, you have to stop planning and considering ideas (and listening to 12 or more people), and DO something, almost ANYhting, that is a concrete step that you will stick with.

We have been going through this with our own daughter now for the last 5 years. Truth is, a time comes, sweetie-- ya gotta get shit or off the pot, because helpers' lives have moved on and those resources that were on hold while you "decided" have expired. Do you start cobbling up other resources or just DEAL with things?

Welfare, which seemed so unacceptable a year ago, is now a plan under heavy consideration (I think-- it's hard to keep up). What if you had swallowed the unwillingness a year ago and gone on welfare then? Would you be healthier now, would you be making a paycheck and looking for larger quarters?

So my question is, what unwillingnesses are you honoring now instead of making a decision and making the best of it till your capacities iomprove? Do you actually have the luxury of preferences, still? If you do-- then what exactly is the emergency we're trying to help with, now?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM

Hi hesperis. I struggled with all of those same doubts and worries when I was in the process of getting my diagnosis for the Social Security disability pension I've been surviving on for the past ten years (it took a while and a lot of perseverence to get that, but it was well worth it).

But I know this... I'm not lazy. I was a full time single mother raising a special needs child pretty much by myself, a fulltime student, and I had a house and yard to look after by myself. I was averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, and pushing myself way beyond my limits. I'm glad I had an opportunity to find out that laziness had nothing to do with my problems. But by pushing myself so far beyond my limits, I became almost completely bedridden for years as a result. Ten years later, I'm still recovering from the problems I created by pushing myself too hard.

Good luck with all of that. I hope you are able to get whatever services you need. Then maybe the peace of mind you get from that will free up some of your energy for doing other important things.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:46 PM

Normal welfare isn't enough for even rent and food, much less rent, food, allergy treatments, transportation, etc.

I talked to several assistance workers while I was still on welfare, they said that allergies don't count, even if your doctor testifies that it is disabling. I didn't know about environmental illness at that time. Since environmental illness is allergy, I didn't even think of it until after I was off welfare. Worth looking into, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM

DO Check out this doctor...her name appears here and there so they would have a hard time saying no if she checked you out. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 05:04 PM

Actually, welfare or not is about even in the amount of hassle. I'm just getting enough of moving that the welfare type of hassle is looking more attractive than the vagrant type of hassle. Especially with winter coming on.

I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work. I was not thinking straight, obviously.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 06:01 PM

NO ONE CAN think straight when they don't know where their next meal is coming from. $500/month is better than $0 per month. You can barter for some of the stuff you might need. Take care of your health problems now and the rest will fall in place a bit later. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 03:51 AM

Hesperis - read Susan's post very carefully. I think it might be the best piece of advice I have ever seen. This is clearly someone who absolutely has your best interests at heart and is not afraid of asking tough questions. Don't let yourself just become a permanent lame duck. Have a good hard think & swallow a bit of pride. You're very young still - there's bags of time to follow your dreams, you don't have to achieve everything right now.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: harpgirl
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 08:13 AM

Gee, hesperis...since you have "environmental allergies" 24/7, why not take a steady job?

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM

Hesperis, I've just been catching up on your situation here. There's a close friend of mine in Toronto I would like to put you in touch with for various reasons. (both homeopathic and artistic, as it were).

Couple of things do occur to me: you were just saying: "I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work."

If you want to produce, I'm sure it's essential to understand a lot of the functions of the various creative/technical jobs involved in film production. I worked on a house-building project once with a guy who considered himself a builder/designer, but really had no clue about, and in fact not much interest in the details of construction. It was not a well-run project!

Sounds though as if, given your environmental problems, maybe animation would be more your bag? (That's one of the things my friend does, as well as homeopathy.)

PM me if you wish and I'll tell you more.

By the way, have you looked at Ryerson?

Willie-O
but you can call me Bill

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:58 AM

Susan - My foreseeable future is in Toronto. I really appreciate your previous offer, and understood that it was no longer in place. Don't worry about it. I just have to be here.

Guest - To be not a lame duck, I need housing, food, and allergy treatments, and currently have no way of providing those for myself.

Welfare is a start. I haven't wanted to go back on it because I used to be on it, so I know the limitations. Basically, it covers housing, not much else, and actively prevents one from finding work. (Part-time work is financially punished, as no matter how much you work you can only keep a certain amount of your pay, meanwhile it costs more than that to get to work in the first place, and I can't do full-time work yet.) But since I haven't done too well in either finding work or in job performance when I did find SOMETHING, I'm obviously not capable in that area yet. (Still?)

Willie-O - (I like "Willie-O", there are a lot of people named "Bill" in the world, that makes you just a bit different.) I meant that studying a course where grades (and assumed competency) depend on directing, filming AND post-editing a film more than on the administrative, team, and musical details of the film, is academic suicide of a sort.

I am definitely still studying all facets of filmmaking, but with an eye towards personal understanding of the other facets, so that this movie can be made. Basically, enough to be able to hire and work with good people but not necessarily full competency in directing and camerawork, which other people can do much better than I can.

Herocia definitely needs computer animation, but the other producer/writer wants to act her own part, and I think it would be slightly better with real people acting the roles. We have cast quite a few people already, some of whom have competencies in areas we lack, such as knowledge of swordplay, etc. We'll probably have to bluescreen a lot, and a few characters are definitely digital. (Unless you know where to find a tame dragon or wolf pack within our budget. *g*) I love computer animation, however my own computer is definitely not able to run the software. I cried when I found out Maya had a personal edition for FREE... and I can't run it on this. Ah, well.

I'd also like to act my own part, and am not too sure about being in forests during spring pollen season. (We're hoping to start in April or sooner if the snows melt sooner, and pollen usually gets bad around the end of April, beginning of May. That's not much time... though I'm fine in July as well, one of the cast members has to go to England in July.) I could do it indoors in a constructed blue-screen set, but that might make it boring for everyone. And lighting would be more difficult, to match the forest scenes...

Thanking in type again, lol.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:14 AM

Er... that would be "thinking in type".
Now that there's a preview, I have to remember to use it more often!

And yes, thank you all... lol.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:43 PM

Hess,

My post wasn't about an offer being open or not, it was about looking at things from the RIGHT NOW perspective and dealing with that.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,concerned
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:20 PM

My heart goes out to you, but surely Toronto must be the most expensive city in Canada to survive in, not to mention the most industrially polluted. I can't imagine dealing with all you have to in that environment. Do you have family, Mum or Dad or siblings that could put you up until you get back on your feet?

Good luck

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:47 PM

here is a lead on another doctor..

http://www.co-cure.org/CAN_ON.htm

he or she works with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue patients and has the condition...these things are all related...

Now: some practical steps. Have you made an appointment to have your eyes checked? (Sometimes I ask the same question over and over because I forget the answer....) If not, that should be a top priority. Then start clipping coupons for glasses..two for one..usually around $99 US for two pairs and I saw that Sears let's you use two different prescriptions for two people. Maybe someone you know is in the market for glasses and you can go halvsies or barter some web construction or something.

If you have no money, you have to think of bartering.

Housing: is there a reason you can't act as a companion for a handicapped person? You say you have housekeeping skills. They would have to agree to have a chemical-free environment but there is someone somewhere, perhaps another person with this chemical sensitivity.

This is a rhetorical question, but do you have any of the following (don't answer...) a drug problem (which I would define as any illegal use whatsoever), an alcohol problem, a violent temper, scary looking friends, especially boyfriends. Lots of tattoos and any piercings? Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them (that is what I focus my aspirations on). If you and your friends are not scary, and you are responsible, etc., you should be able to get some housing in exchange for housekeeping.

Or if you get the welfare or disability (put in for disability) you can still barter your cooking for meals.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:09 PM

Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them

*BG*

She already looks like them...

hesperis is the tall one with the hat...

and here she is again.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:22 PM

I have reread this entire thread trying to understand things better. Some things do not make sense. Like being punished for working part time on welfare. And it costing more to get to work than they would let you keep. Didn't I see on your list that it costs $60 for a bus pass? Wouldn't they let you keep $60? If they do (take home), you are no worse off. You are better off because you have a better base. Reread what Jande said about building beauty on quicksand. I don't have the soul of an artist. I have the soul of a file clerk, so I don't understand the artistic temperament. But you are saying I can't do this, I can't do that over fairly simple things, but yet you want to take on these Oliver Stone type projects. Do you like living on the edge? The literal edge? You don't have to. You can back up a few steps and get housing and barter your cooking skills for decent food and get a little part time job...that lets you keep $60 so you don't go in the hole from working...and just build one thing, one step at a time, starting with food, shelter and medical help. And don't say nothing works because often it does. And even if you don't like going to regular doctors, you will need statements from doctors about your condition when you apply for various things, so ask around, check out the internet. There are doctors certainly in a city as big as Toronto who know something about environmental illness and who lean toward natural treatments. And didn't your treatment cost $60? That is not bad. Get the welfare, get the partime job and the bus pass and hopefully they'll let you keep $120 and there you go.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:32 PM

This is very good news. You wear turquoise blue and play the accordian. You could probably be a Lands End model. You don't look scary at all. I had sort of a gothic, white makeup with black lipstick look in mind. Which would make this whole adventure much more difficult. I do have 3 size 12 Lands End skirts that I think only one has been worn maybe once or twice. The others not at all. Size 12. Khaki, navy blue and dark green. I'm 5'5 and you look much taller but if you want them they are yours. I'll throw in a new (I think) Pendleton white blouse.   Sort of thing you could wear on a Kelly Girl job or something.   mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 12:04 AM

Drugs - no
Alcohol - no
Temper - ummm... how violent? I'm much more placid now than in younger days.
Boyfriend - no
Gothic - can do, but makeup makes me break out even worse. ;)

I'm fine for clothing, really. And I only look tall next to Carol. *g*

I'll answer the other stuff tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:40 AM

*BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:41 AM

(oops)

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM

check this out..

http://perc.ca/PEN/2001-03/s-mills3.html

about chemical sensitivieis. It does say they are accepted as a disability now in Canada. I did a google search under toronto doctor chemical sensitivies

It also mentioned an environmental health clinic at the women's ?? hospital...well, it will say what in the article.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:50 PM

Mary,

Hesperis fits no preconceived or typical description that pops into people's minds that I have ever heard of...

She is unique.

No drug habits, no piercing, no dangerous looking friends (unless someone finds my Bob Dylan/like haircut frightening). Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Seldom swears (unless under great duress). Dresses nicely. Speaks intelligently on a great variety of interesting subjects.

Is umbillically connected to computer hardware and software, and very good at using them. (Is also, to my way of thinking...addicted to them...but she would not agree with that, so it's just my opinion.)

Is a voracious reader of books, interested in spiritual topics, poetry, and good adult fantasy (sword & sorcery, etc).

Is very interested in dance, particularly sacred circle dancing or dancing that has a spiritual meaning and purpose.

Has very poor eyesight (nearsighted), but claims that wearing glasses causes her terrible headaches...so, if you've got a solution to that...well...I don't.

Can play a wide variety of musical instruments, sing, compose, and create lyrics and musical pieces of quite a high quality. Also creates computer graphic art of various sorts, websites, etc...

Is bloody particular and finicky about a whole lot of things (partly because of the allergies, partly because she just is that way)...and prefers the extraordinary to the ordinary, given the choice of what to focus on in life. Tends to be very idealistic about life and somewhat impractical in certain areas of basic survival.

Is not a "partier", and is generally not interested in what most girls her age are primarly interested in...(which is to say, from my observation only, the majority of them in this town smoke, party, and are fixated on dating "cute" boys...I realize that's a gross generalization, but that's what I see going on...Hesperis is simply not in sinc with those girls.)

Likes to function between about 3pm and 3am for some reason.

Is morally just about impeccable in pretty well any area of life worth mentioning.

What spiritual world she dropped in from I don't know, but she is certainly not your typical unemployed young person...if there is such a thing.

The allergy treatments she has taken do work...but it takes one individual treatment for each particular allergen (the more severe allergens must be treated later, not sooner or it doesn't work/could even be life-threatening), and it's $60/treatment, so that's a lot of money when you're looking at maybe 100 treatments all told. She's had about 20 so far. The government did not pay for any of them, because the government does not recognize this form of treatment. That it does work is clear to me, simply from observing the results, and the changes in what she could eat or be exposed to without experiencing harmful effects.

- LH