You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...

Subject: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Justa Picker
Date: 08 May 07 - 10:49 AM

You need your glasses to see your amp settings.

You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money.

It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan, than your amp.

During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals.

You refuse to play out of tune.

Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.

Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body.

All you want from groupies is a foot massage.

Your aftershow party is at the International House of Pancakes.

You love shopping the dollar store because you can sing along to most of your playlist.

You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.

You've lost the directions to the gig.

Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin, ears, or nose.

Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin, ears or nose are gray.

You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.

The waitress is your daughter.

You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

You no longer use a tip jar.

You refuse to play without earplugs.

You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 PM instead of 9:30 PM

You want an opening act.

You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

High notes make you cough.

Your gig stool has a back.

You're related to at least one other member of the band.

You need a nap before the gig.

You don't let anyone "sit in."

After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.

You prefer a music stand with a light.

You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.

You can't operate without a set list.

You say you double on bass.

You discourage playing longer than contracted.

You actually have a contract.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:13 AM

lol (ruefully)

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Jim Lad
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:32 AM

That's a great list. Is this what I have to look forward to?

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Splott Man
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:38 AM

Great list.
A quick consus in my office came up with these...


You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...


You need pliers to adjust the mic stand.

You need help carrying a speaker.

During a song you drift off to go over the lyrics of the next song, and come back just as you finish this song.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:39 AM

LMAOWROTF!! Good to *see* you, JPdarlin'!!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Jim Lad
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:52 AM

"The waitress is your daughter." I missed that one. My son's first job was as a dishwasher at one of my gigs. Since then he's been a cook & a bartender at a few of the spots I've played and is now doing quite well as a cook, out in Metchosin, BC.
He'd quit in an instant if he ever figured out that his dad got him into hospitality.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: jeffp
Date: 08 May 07 - 11:55 AM

Too true! All of them!!!

Thanks for the self-mocking laugh. I'll pass them along to some deserving friends.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: redsnapper
Date: 08 May 07 - 12:31 PM

Picking up a plectrum does your back in...

RS

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Peace
Date: 08 May 07 - 12:34 PM

You actually know what a plectrum IS!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: DonMeixner
Date: 08 May 07 - 01:03 PM

When stout is offered but you take the iced tea instead.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Wesley S
Date: 08 May 07 - 01:11 PM

You're too old to gig when you don't wait until the end of the night before you drop some antacids.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 08 May 07 - 02:40 PM

I could enumerate which factors made it clear to me, but that crud is private.

Art

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,Warwick Slade
Date: 08 May 07 - 02:46 PM

the traditional song is younger than you!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: gnu
Date: 08 May 07 - 03:07 PM

..... You love shopping the dollar store.... priceless!!! Hehehehe.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: alanabit
Date: 08 May 07 - 03:21 PM

You are more likely to date the groupie's Mum.
You can remember when the equipment used to cost more than your car.
Your guitar is older than the youngest member of the band.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 08 May 07 - 03:28 PM

when you are planning the gig you spend more time planning the snacks, sandwiches and sweets for the journey than you do rehearsing!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 08 May 07 - 03:34 PM

You sell LPs and cassettes of your music.

Holy shit! This is happening to me.

I finally sold the last of the Edison waxed cylinders.
Cover art was a bitch!

Seamus

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 08 May 07 - 03:46 PM

...you start opening threads that begin with "you know you're too old to gig when..."

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Surreysinger
Date: 08 May 07 - 04:13 PM

Love that last one Barbara!!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: The Vulgar Boatman
Date: 08 May 07 - 04:30 PM

Hold on there...my banjo was made in 1898...
KYBTTS

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Seaking
Date: 08 May 07 - 04:31 PM

..you only drool from one side on an uneven stage

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: alanabit
Date: 08 May 07 - 04:41 PM

The audience laughs at all your music and joins in all your patter.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: M.Ted
Date: 08 May 07 - 04:41 PM

You haven't learned a new song since the last millenium.

You've been singing from a chair since your hip replacement.

Kids know all your covers, because they studied the bands in school.

You get a lot of calls to play wakes.

You get a request for "Proud Mary" a bar, and your band doesn't know it.

You get a request for "The Killers", and play "Great Balls of Fire".

Some one asks if you about iPods, and you say, "No, I wear bifocals."

You try to seem hip by making jokes about "Saturday Night Fever" and Liza Minnelli.

You try to get the crowd to do a "wave".

You keep asking waitress for a Harvey Wallbanger, and she finally calls the bouncer.

You think the crowd is calling "Bruce, Bruce", when they're actually booing.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 07 - 05:10 PM

You Know You're Too Old To Gig When...you simply don't have any real desire to do so any longer.

Or to put it in B.B. King's words, when "the thrill is gone".

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Alan Day
Date: 08 May 07 - 05:47 PM

You know your too old to gig when
A search party has to go and find you.
You forget why you are there.
Someone has to help you onto the stage.
Your Zimmer gets caught up in the cables.
An old flame you cannot remember, introduces you to your unknown Son who has Grandchildren.
Your clothes are so old they are back in fashion.
When your Nurse is in the audience.
Al (who is starting to recognise many of the symptoms)

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: kendall
Date: 08 May 07 - 07:52 PM

Little Hawk, you beat me to it.
Anything that aint fun is work.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Bugsy
Date: 08 May 07 - 08:13 PM

SOunds like ALL you guys been to one of my gigs!!

CHeers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 09 May 07 - 12:59 AM

... when the inroductions to your songs are longer (and, at times, more entertaining) than the songs themselves.

... when your most frequent prayer is to thank God for the invention of digital tuners.


Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Bugsy
Date: 09 May 07 - 02:36 AM

Now I'm SURE you've all been to one of my gigs!

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: mandotim
Date: 09 May 07 - 03:39 AM

....your favourite groupie proudly introduces you to her grandchildren and says to them 'He used to be really sexy, you know!'.
Tim

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Splott Man
Date: 09 May 07 - 03:58 AM

A variation on an earlier one...


A younger singer will attribute the source of a traditoinal song they're doing... and it's someone I know! That's happened several times lately.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Bugsy
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:37 AM

I remember Jez Lowe telling me that he was at a folk club when someone was singing Durham Jail. During a conversation with some of the audience he mentioned that he wrote the song only to be told in no uncertain terms "No you didn't, it's a traditional song!"

Good eh?

Cheers


Bugsy

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Nick
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:46 AM

.... when any of the above bothers you in the least

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Mo the caller
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:48 AM

Sad to watch it happening.
When an excellent fiddler starts knocking the fiddle of the stand when getting to his seat.
Or a good caller says 'right hand turn' and doesn't realise he said 'left hand turn' last time he was trying to explain it to the confused dancers.

The really scary thing is when you DON'T know you're too old to gig. I hope someone will tell me, and I'll have the sense to listen.
Same goes for driving.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:58 AM

"when any of the above bothers you in the least"


Well, actually, it should be when you are NOT bothered by the thought of any of the above... :-)

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Nick
Date: 09 May 07 - 06:43 AM

The thread title was "YOU Know etc" not "OTHERS Know You're Too Old..."

Nick (recently returned to playing rock music in a band after a 36 year break)

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: kendall
Date: 09 May 07 - 07:03 AM

Splott Man, it can be even worse. I was listening to a young duo at a festival and they did a song which they learned from my first album, and said so!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Rasener
Date: 09 May 07 - 07:38 AM

When you have to go to the toilet between songs.

Even worse, when the songs are only 2 minutes long, to allow you to go to the toilet more often.

When both top and bottom sets of false teeth play the percussion whilst you sing.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Bugsy
Date: 09 May 07 - 07:06 PM

I wouldn't take that as being a sign of being too old Kendall, I'd take that as a rather large compliment. Had they been an OLD duo and said they'd learned this off your 78 that they found in a jumble sale in the 50's - THAT'S as sign that you're MAYBE gettin TOWARD the age when you're too old to gig.


CHeers


Bugsy

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 10 May 07 - 12:36 AM

. . . you read a list like that and you alternate wildly between laughing and crying (God-DAMN - the truth hurts!)

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,Waco Jacko
Date: 10 May 07 - 03:35 AM

You can't find your car keys because you've put them in the freezer!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,Neovo
Date: 10 May 07 - 03:41 AM

If you use a music stand you can't quite work out whether you can see better with your varifocals or your reading glasses.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Artful Codger
Date: 10 May 07 - 04:23 AM

...your hearing aid makes sweeter noise than the acts you follow.

...your harmonica keeps snagging on your nose hair.

...the scale you're singing in doesn't have a name.

...you ask for payment in ducats.

...PBS features your concerts during pledge drives.

...your high notes and low notes are in the same register.

...you accidentally rosin your bow with Polygrip.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 10 May 07 - 11:59 AM

Someone requests a song you can't remember ever singing......and worse still - you wrote it!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: DonMeixner
Date: 10 May 07 - 12:53 PM

When your latest chick interest had your son for 11th grade English.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 10 May 07 - 05:58 PM

When you can no longer fog a mirror....

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: BusyBee Paul
Date: 10 May 07 - 06:53 PM

When you ask your audience to write any requests on a piece of paper and throw them at the stage - instead of on knickers! (Yes, HFA, I mean you!) Only kidding!!!!

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: GUEST,The black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 11 May 07 - 08:05 AM

When you've converted your albums to another media three times because the old media was declared obsolete.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: The Sandman
Date: 11 May 07 - 11:53 AM

When you cant remember why your in the room.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 11 May 07 - 01:56 PM

When you poke a little gentle fun at the much younger keyboard player by calling him the band's Andrew Ridgely figure, and he has to have it explained to him.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Artful Codger
Date: 11 May 07 - 05:22 PM

...at outdoor gigs you have to dodge the droppings from circling vultures.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 May 07 - 12:32 PM

When the roadie asks where you want your oxygen cylinders placing.
When you look for a spare socket to plug in your resuscitator.
When you have to check the obitury columns to see if the band line-up has changed.
When most of your gigs are at old folks homes and you know most of the audience from schooldays.
When you have to ask matrons permission to be out late.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 May 07 - 12:40 PM

Was that the gig where the women in the audience threw their incontinence knickers on the stage?
G.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: wilco
Date: 12 May 07 - 06:05 PM

You know you're too old when you tell the interested, attarctive women in the audience that "I'm old enough to be you're daddy."
I did it again this week!!! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh.

Subject: RE: You Know You're Too Old To Gig When ...
From: Artful Codger
Date: 12 May 07 - 06:18 PM

...you use your dental plate for a plectrum.