Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?

Subject: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Muttley
Date: 17 May 07 - 10:20 PM

In the vein of "A funny thing hppened on the way to the gig" - there have to be a lot of jokes about us out there - we are generally a type of people who can laugh at ourselves - I mean we all know the "passing shots" between bassists and drummers - You know the ones: If you can't play music play drums and if you can't keep a beat play bass" and the old dig- - "What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool! So let's hear a few (hundred).

Allow me to begin with a few:

St.Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates when a Texan rocks up. "What have you done with your life?" he asks.
The Texan relates how he made fortune in oil and left it equally divided among his family ensuring they would not have to toil for several generations.
"Come on in" says St.Peter - "very charitable"

Next to arrive is a New Yorker who, having overheard the Texan tells how he brokered stock on his way to a massive fortune and not only provided for his family - but donated billions to Save the Children funds.
"Excellent! Come on in, you wonderful man" says St.Peter

A third bloke arrives looking miserable and downcast and somewhat timidly states - "I'm sorry sir, but I never did any of those things - in fact I only ever earned $12,000 in my entire life and starved on the streets.

"Oh you poor unfortunate" says St.Peter. "Come on in young man, but tell me - what instrument did you plaY?"


OR

What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?

A Fiddle is fun to listen to!


OR

What's the difference between a dead trombonist laying on the road and a dead squirrel lying dead on the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Tuba players also get their share:

What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards with a good arm.

Two tuba players walk past a bar ............well it COULD happen!

So there must be many more out there: Guitarists, Violinists, Tenors/Soprano's Baritones, Celloists, Piano players No-one should be exempt here - not even conductors - maybe especially not conductors etc.


C'mon Catters expose your funny bones!

---

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 May 07 - 10:50 PM

"how many do we know?"

Well it's really a case of how many do we WANT to know?

BTW, there are a lot of other similar threads here - how about a few links to all those "music jokes" threads? It will stop a lot of wasteful duplication.

And my favourite is Number 42!

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Peace
Date: 18 May 07 - 01:23 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Muttley
Date: 18 May 07 - 02:36 AM

42 isn't a joke - it's the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

Muttley

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Peace
Date: 18 May 07 - 02:49 AM

Oh. Then that's not funny . . . .

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Magrat
Date: 18 May 07 - 03:40 AM

Just a couple for banjo players:

What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
You tie a rope to an anchor!

How can you tell the stage is level?
The banjo player (drummer/bassist) is drooling out of both sides of his mouth!

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Muttley
Date: 18 May 07 - 04:53 AM

I thought it was funny Peace

Mutt

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Leadfingers
Date: 18 May 07 - 06:37 AM

42 is VERY funny - It was the way he told it !

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:27 AM

Thanks Terry - so few remember that joke.... :-)

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Peace
Date: 18 May 07 - 03:37 PM

More here.

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 18 May 07 - 05:17 PM

A Trombone player and an Accordian player put together a duo act. They get booked into a club on New Years Eve, and the crowd loves it for some reason. After the show they are packing up when the club owner comes over to pay them. "That was great" he says, "would you guys like to play again next New Years Eve?" They think for a moment then the Trombonist says "We would love to, is it ok if we leave all our stuff here"

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Muttley
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:38 PM

I remember my dad telling that joke too foolestroupe - for many years it was his favourite - Istill hear it recycled every now and then and still has its charm.

The good ones never die out

mutt

Subject: Music / Musician jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 06:08 PM

GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS
        •        string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone
               who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

        •        detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

        •        glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

        •        risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the
                correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

        •        crescendo: a reminder to the performer that they have been playing
                or singing too loudly.

        •        a cappella: what a guitarist sings when he forgets the chords

        •        conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

        •        transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is
               too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

        •        vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

        •        agnus dei: Doris's sister, a nun who writes sacred cantatas.

        •        half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

        •        coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note,
               but who has a wild time hunting for it.

        •        contemporary "r & b" singer: (See "Coloratura soprano.")

        •        beat: what the bodhran player does to his instrument while the musicians
                fantasize doing to the bodhran player

        •        cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

        •        virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

        •        music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
               incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians,
               the result of which is ignored by the audience.

        •        oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

        •        big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

        •        clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

        •        melodic minor: Appalachian banjo player who works for the Peabody Coal Co.

        •        plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."

        •        audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy
               the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

        •        accidentals: many notes and chords hit by beginning players.

        •        hocket: what the bass player does with his axe to meet the rent.

        •        musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

        •        quaver: beginning viol class.

        •        ritornello: a Verdi opera.

        •        stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

        •        transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

        •        ritard: the guy who wrote "Achy Breaky Heart."

        •        relative minor: a bluegrass player's girlfriend.

        •        bar line: a queue of people, often including a musician or two.

        •        neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

        •        treble: what bluesmen say women ain' nothin'but.

        •        pianist: the musician who's had the most beer.

        •        pianissimo: what he does on the grass after he's had a few more.

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Leadfingers
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 07:22 PM

Time Signature for Irish sessions ?? Allegro Excretia !!

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 08:39 PM

Irish music is mostly in the Didlian mode.
If you've heard one Irish tune, you've heard them both.

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Peace
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 10:02 PM

That's number 16, Dick.

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Bru
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 05:33 AM

Well, I wouldn't normally pick on harmless animals - but here's oneI heard a few weeks ago I thought was funny at the time.

A drummer joke.

There's a drummer who - after a few years of drummings - decides to give up annoying musicians between numbers and learn to play a musical instrument. Off he goes to a local music shop and tells the owners he's packed up drumming and want to learn to play a musical instrument. They ask him if he's got any ideas what he wants to learn.

"Oh - anything". He looks around the shop for a moment - points over at the wall and says - "I'll start off with the trumpet and piano accordion."
The two owners snigger at each other, then one says -
"I don't mind selling you the kettle, but I'm not taking the radiator off the wall."


Sorry if you've heard it.

Subject: RE: Music /Muso Jokes - how many do we know?
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 07:12 AM

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?

A savings bond eventually matures and makes money.