Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric

Subject: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: GUEST,Bella Moore
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 03:54 AM

Can anyone help with the lyrics - and composer/performer - of a song about the middle east? The singer had a West Midlands accent and the opening words were "If you ever watch the news and confuse the Jews and Druze". Thanks.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: Mick Pearce (MCP)
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 04:01 AM

Grant Baynham wrote a song something like that I seem to remember.

Mick

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: GUEST,bella moore
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 04:01 PM

That'll be the one. Don't suppose you know where I could get a recording of it? Mr Baynham's website seems to be time-locked in about 2002....

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: GUEST,Maggy
Date: 31 Aug 13 - 10:02 AM

Well I'm six years late with this but I was just looking that song up right now. Grant Baynham sang that song on my radio show on Radio WM back in the 80s.

Grant is on Facebook and I think he has updated his site now. I don't think the song's recorded though.

This is what I remember of it:

"If you ever watch the news and confuse the Jews and Druze
If you think that after all it doesn't matter
If those helpful little maps
Leave you closer to collapse
If you can't tell your Assad from your Al Fata

(forgotten bit)

Basically the Middle East is very largely sand
With some arbitrary dotted lines dividing up the land
There's nothing much to do there so every night at nine
They all go out with pointed sticks and move the dotted line.
Then they pick a place to argue like the West Bank or Beirut
Pick some sides at random, toss to see who gets first shoot.
Then they knock blocks off each other until one side thinks it's won
Or a small UN peacekeeping force turns up to spoil the fun.

Then American marines arrive, grateful for the outing,
Jumping out of helicopters, doing lots of shouting.
They find the dotted line and decide to paint it green
Then they leave the French to guard it while they practice looking mean.

Meanwhile a Western journalist is trying to look intense
With a gritty piece to camera that actually makes sense
So the folks get what they paid for when they watch the news at nine
- but by ten the rules have changed again and someone's moved the line...

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: GUEST,Bella Moore
Date: 06 Sep 17 - 10:46 AM

Thanks Maggy!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Middle east - comic song lyric
From: GUEST,James Eisner
Date: 18 Aug 19 - 07:35 PM

I was sitting at his feet today listening to him play, and I requested this song, which he managed to remember. I’m sorry I didn’t record it, but I’m in touch with him on FB and I’ve already asked him to put it online. I think it’s possibly his masterpiece.