BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: skipy
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:02 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

2nd? Yes it is! I started the "first joke thread of 2008" way back in 2007!
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:49 PM

Oh, I get it, that's the first joke on the second thread.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 06:39 PM

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking role!!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Jan 08 - 03:50 PM

According to my religion, to eat bread at Passover is as bad as committing adultery.

A friend of mine tried them both; and he can't see the comparison.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 01:52 PM

A farmer is in need of some new animals so he decides to write a letter and put it in the newspaper. It reads, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongeese...". He didn't think that sounded right so he tried again, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongooses..." He didn't think that sounded right either, so he finally tried this, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 07:43 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.........

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 10:36 AM

Jesus and Satan were always arguing about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for eons, and, frankly, God, even with his
infinite patience, was just a little bit tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough! I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
-- for once, and for all! -- who is better on the computer."

The very next day, the Ultimate Computer Match-Up began: Satan and Jesus sat
down at their respective keyboards, and on the command, "GO!", started to
compute.

They typed.

They moused.

They formatted.

They did fancy fonts.

They copied.

They cut-and-pasted.

The touched up photos.

They faxed.

They emailed.

They emailed with inserts, and backgrounds.

They emailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets and databases.

They did sound.

They filtered music.

They made play lists.

They edited video, with three-track sound.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man and woman.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The power came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE!
I've lost everything! Arrrgh!!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past
two hours of work. Satan observed this, and became highly irate.

"Wait!" Satan screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,










"Jesus saves."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 04:24 PM

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local tech college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 08:41 PM

I'm not over-excited by your latest joke, Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 11:20 PM

Some back references
The Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007
known as "The Fifth Koke Thread for 2007"
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Jan 08 - 03:01 PM

In Dante's Divine Comedy, over the gates of hell was written

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"


Someone proposed that a related note should be seen above every computer,

"Abandon hope, all ye who press 'Enter' here"

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 11:27 AM

A Christmas Motorcycle Ride

Four old-timers were riding motorcycles for their weekly ride to the diner, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without getting any argument go directly to the garage and get the bike, meet his buddies and ride a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.' Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are at the diner.


The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'


Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'


Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they've lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this Bike ride. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or a ride with the motorcycle club!'
And she said...





"Take a sweater."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 01:04 PM

From Becca:
AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 06:38 AM

... and another reference: First Joke Thread for 2008

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 02:50 PM

"Lunch Workout"

Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow
workers, a secretary from our office who runs
regularly was especially motivated to get to the
gym after work.

Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food,
suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As
she was leaving the office, she called to the boss,
"Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll
be on your lap in half an hour!"

This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face
turned red *before* her workout.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 09:09 AM

Why would a farmer be in need of a mongoose, let alone two of them?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Pseudolus
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:07 AM

Cause without it, there would be no joke...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:08 AM

Perhaps his farm was over-run with snakes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: gnomad
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:16 AM

Click ere for the story of some who did want 'em, and what happened.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 11:21 AM

From Bob Newhart:

An aldulterous couple were engaged in wildly passionate sex. The woman gasped,"Kiss me! Kiss me!"

The man replied, "Kiss you? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!"

dw

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 12:11 PM

"A Frickin' Elephant"

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at
a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

(Deep breath) ... "WHAT did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 12:14 PM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 03:26 PM

When I heard the dwditty one, the second line read,

The therapist replied,"Kiss you? I shouldn't even be on this couch with you."




The analysts were walking along the street, when another analyst walks past them saying,"Good morning."

Once he's gone, one analyst says to the other,

"What do you think he meant by that?"


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 05:14 PM

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 08 - 10:08 AM

"Triple Hit"

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several
of us were standing around in our leotards
chatting about fitness and diets. One woman
said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking,
gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same
time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could
possibly do this without acquiring at least one
other undesirable habit for compensation, I
jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well,
my sister is pregnant now."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 04:01 PM

A few excerpts from the cat's diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.....must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 11:58 PM

Q: How many Windows Vistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: They don't need to, that blue screen will light up the entire room.



Q: Why did Mrs. Vista slap Mr. Vista?

A: Because Mr. Vista called her bloated.



Q: Why couldn't Vista get a girlfriend?

A: Because he disabled his aero effects.



They need work. But hey, so does Vista.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 08:50 AM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin'
and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 04:20 PM

The 11th was IVGLDSW day, and we missed it! But here's something for the occasion anyway:

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so
please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being --
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 09:32 AM

He walks in   . . .

She turns and says, 'You must make love to me -- this very moment.'

His eyes light up and he thinks, 'This is my lucky day.' Wanting to keep the momentum, he bends her over the kitchen table and has his way with her.

Afterwards she says, 'Thanks,' and returns to the stove.

Totally confused, he asks, 'What was that all about?'

She explains, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 10:31 AM

"Tickled to Death"

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip
to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he
was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke
not a word of Chinese, his address was to be
translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to
death to be asked here today."

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the
interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in
Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies,
only to be with you today."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Skivee
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 11:33 AM

Ivor: A variant:
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. One says,"You're fine, how am I?"
From the Bennet Cerf Joke Book "Now That Thag and Og Are Dead, What
Next?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 07:23 PM

The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.

"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 11:21 PM

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six year old daughter and said "Would you like to say the blessing?" I would not know what to say," replied the girl.

"Just say what you hear Mummy say." the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner."





After the christening of his baby brother in church Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally the boy replied "The preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 09:07 AM

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 12:44 PM

Near the end of the prayer service the minister asked if anyone had any issues that needed to be prayed about.

A man raised his hand in the back of the room. "Well – I'm concerned about my hearing".

"Well come on" down the minister replied. He laid his hands on the young mans ears and said in a loud voice: "O Lord – heal this young man – make him whole again so he can better hear your Holy Word". Then he told the man "Stand up and be healed". Then the preacher asked him if his hearing had improved. The man replied "Oh my hearing is fine. What I'm really concerned about is my hearing. It's on Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 05:30 PM

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there! I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"       The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 07:37 PM

"Life's Calling"

When I was a high school senior, I saw an
inspirational ad on TV about becoming a teacher.
I called the number shown: 800-45TEACH.

After a woman answered, I babbled on about how
I thought I had found my life's calling and could
she send me some information.

She asked me what number I was calling. After I
told her, there was a long pause.

Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Jan 08 - 10:46 AM

LOL, Becca!

Here's one a male friend sent me:

Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 04:57 AM

Nursery rhymes for the 21st Century:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.
----------------------------------------------------------
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have U got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d*ckhead.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its a*se
And turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 05:50 AM

Skivee, your variation reminded me of a variation.

Client sands, from his holiday, a postcard to his analyst,

"Having a wonderful time - why?"


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 07:24 PM

A native American walks into a midwest city hotel to book a room.

"Just put your cross here," says the receptionist.

The man puts two crosses.

"What's the second cross for?"

"That's my Ph.D. from Harvard."


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 10:29 PM

An interesting winter driving statistic:

98% of US drivers say "Oh shit!" when sliding off the road during icy winter driving conditions.

The other 2% say "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 01:02 PM

Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.   

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in, though, because they didn't have cars.      

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.   
   
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
      
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph, who wore a really loud sports coat.      

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
      
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.   
   
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon, who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.   
   
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
      
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
   
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And So Endeth Our Reading
Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 04:55 PM

"Woman's Intelligence"

A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts
are, the less intelligent she is.

I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite.

I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less
intelligent men become.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 07:24 PM

"On Women"

Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask
a woman her age.

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her
sister-in-law.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year
older is when she is expecting a baby.

Women's main two complaints: Nothing to wear,
and not enough closet space for it.

It is the woman who chooses the man who will
choose her.

Why do women go to tanning salons?
What a waste of time and money.
Guys only like the white parts anyway.

What do you call a woman who can wash up,
do the ironing, make the beds, feed the kids,
hang out the laundry, cook dinner and take the
dog for a walk all at the same time?
. . . A Swiss Army Wife

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 08 - 11:25 AM

Cheerios are really bagel seeds.

New potential career choice: "gas price changer
technician."

If you're pushing 80, that's exercise enough!

I'm in a long-distance relationship. I carpool to work.

Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been
grounded.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it
depends on the gift.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw
the old one away.

If you do what you've always done, you'll always get
what you've always gotten.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the OTHER day.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is
going to stop me?

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the
blame.

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing
home $450,000 a week.

A golf course is a site to be holed.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right
decision?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I could find a way to fax my kids to daycare, I'd save
45 minutes a day.

Never run from your fears because when they
catch up to you, you're too tired to fight.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

I'm so strong I can tear a phone book in half the hard
way; one page at a time.

My friend only drinks on special occasions; like when
somebody else is buying.

He changed his name to Hilton so it'll be the same as
the name on his towels.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and
a little drunk.

We may not imagine how our lives could be
more frustrating and complex . . . but Congress can.

Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry.". . Compassion
sees and says, "I'll help."

My doctor told me my operation was fairly routine
and not at all complicated. I told him to remember
that when he makes out the bill.

Fall is when the leaves on the trees know their
usefulness is done and they depart gracefully.
Politicians should be made to watch and learn.

Nothing seems expensive on credit.

Skier: one who pays an arm and a leg for the
opportunity to break them.

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in
traffic!

The hospital should also have a recovery room next
to the cashier's office.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: eddie1
Date: 22 Jan 08 - 07:08 AM

A banjo player was fed up with being the butt of all the jokes and decided to learn another instrument. He went to the local music store and decided to buy the first two instruments he saw. When he got inside, an assistant asked if he could help. "I'll have the red saxophone and the accordion." said the banjo player.
"You're a banjo player aren't you?" said the assistant. "How did you guess?" he asked. "Well," said the assistant, "I can sell you the fire extinguisher but the radiator is plumbed in!".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jan 08 - 09:33 PM

A magician had a gig on a cruise ship. Toward the end of his first night's performance, a parrot which was kept in a cage in one corner of the room called out, "Awwwk! The watch is in his pocket!" Of course it was and, his big finish ruined, the magician could only glare at the parrot and limp through the rest of the show.

The next night, the magician did an entirely new routine and, again, as he was getting near the end the parrot called out, "Awwwk! The Ace of Spades is up his sleeve!" Again the parrot was right and the magician became increasingly flustered, barely making it to the end of his performance.

The third night, the magician put together a routine of his best tricks, determined to fool the parrot. He was getting near the end of his act when the ship suddenly hit an uncharted reef and began to sink rapidly. Everyone scrambled to get off the ship and into lifeboats and, wouldn't you know it, someone rescued the parrot and it wound up in the same lifeboat as the magician.

For three days the lifeboat floated on the ocean, with the parrot giving the magician the fishy eye the whole time. Finally, the parrot said to the magician, "Awwwk! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jan 08 - 09:04 PM

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this
       you call a smile?"

       CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you
       didn't write."

       MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like
       the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that
       schmutz off the ceiling?"

       NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand
       out of your jacket and show me!"

       ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like
       the other kids?"

       GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you
       can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
      
       THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light
       bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

       PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,
       midnight is long past your bedtime!"
      
       ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something
       with your hair?"
      
       MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last
       forty years?"

       BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
            
       BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 10:21 AM

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned
down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied.
"Get your own f-----' blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:33 PM

Kendall told that one years and years back!!

In other news, sometimes The Onion goes completely over the top.

I warnedja!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jan 08 - 10:44 AM

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500   in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.   He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
      
Upstairs, his wife, who is no dummy, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
      
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
      
He never heard the shot.
      
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 08 - 06:16 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.

You don' t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 29 Jan 08 - 07:17 AM

Little Billy was an hour and a half late into School.

'Why are you so late, Billy ?' asks the teacher.

'Me dad got burnt this morning, Miss', comes the reply.

'Oh, I am sorry. Was he badly burnt, Billy ?'

'Well, Miss, they don't fuck about at the cremmy'.

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 30 Jan 08 - 06:21 AM

Phone call from daddy

Ring - Ring
'Hello ?'
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
'But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy,
just a minute.'
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy.'
'And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead.'
***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool?


Is this
486-5731?'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 30 Jan 08 - 11:33 AM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Lets talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about"?
Oh, i don't know, said the stranger. "How about nuclear power"?
"OK" she said. "That would be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says "Hmmm, i have no idea".
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Jan 08 - 11:49 AM

The statistic on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jan 08 - 08:47 AM

"Sun vs Shade"


The pastor's sermon focused on how God knows
which of us grows best in the sunlight and which
of us needs shade.

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted
in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming,
approached him.

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, however,
she added, "I always wondered what was wrong
with my fuchsias."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 31 Jan 08 - 04:08 PM

Two Jews were discussing great Jews in history.

Well, i think the greatest Jew who evet lived was Moses.

Moses was a fool.

How can you say that? He was a great leader.

He was a schmuck.

What's got into you. Look, he led the People of Israel out of the Land of Egypt, thru the desert in 40 years - a great feat with no public transport, and led them to the Promised Land. What more do you want?!!???!??

Aaaaah yes, but that's where he went wrong. He turned left. And we got the oranges. If he'd have turned right, we'd have got the oil.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 31 Jan 08 - 09:19 PM

a little boy keeps sucking his thumb. His mother says - if you keep doing that you're going to get really fat.

ON the bus a pregnant lady sits opposite the boy, he looks at her and says 'I know what you've been doing!'

2 race horses are talking to each other. One says I really love the way the jockey rides on me, and kicks me with his heels. The other horse say I know I turns me on when they wrap their legs around me and beat me with the little whip.
Just then a greyhound walks by and says - well I really like it too, when the put me on the race track and I chase that rabbit contraption but can never quite catch it..

THe one horse says to the other. Hey, a talking dog!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 01:08 PM

"Tough Cowboy"

A tough old cowboy from Amarillo, Texas, counseled
his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the
secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren,
45 great grand-children, 25 great-great grandchildren,
... and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 02:52 PM

LOL,Uncle.

Where in tarnation (think that's the right word) do you get your gems,

Yours in envy,non desperado

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM

"The New Bicycle"

I was in a customer's home one afternoon and
while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year
old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged
on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got
a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle."

So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into
the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle.
"Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle."
I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face
he pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything
wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it,
it falls down!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 07:47 PM

Déjà-vu

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 12:24 AM

Joe E. Lewis - "I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 05:33 PM

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address occur in the same week. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events-- One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 07:33 PM

Followin' Un cle DaveO's 'Groundhog Day' dit, Aah wez readin' an Interview with Chris Rock - Very funny black American comedian - and he was asked about Obama's chances in the forthcomng presidential elections.

"Why can't we have a black president?2 He said. "We've had a reard for two terms!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:43 AM

A visiting General was due to inspect an army camp. Walls were whitewashed, windows polished and the flagpole painted. Everything was spick and span. When the General drove over the hill, he was horrified to see the camp gleaming in the sunshine. It was an easy target for the enemy. He called on the commanding officer and angrily demanded that the camp be camouflaged, saying that he would be back in six months for another inspection.

Six months later, he drives over the hill and is amazed to find no sight of the camp, just a pastoral scene with sheep on the hills, cows in the meadow and a babbling brook running through the valley bottom. He checks his GPS and map and, sure enough, he is in the right place. He makes his way down to where he knows the camp entrance ought to be when suddenly a tree runs across in front of him, forcing him to make an emergency stop.

"SOLDIER!" he screams, "Stop right there". The tree snaps to attention.
"Do you realise that you ruined a perfect camouflage. By moving, you could have given your position away to the enemy. I hope you've got a good explanation."

"Yes sir" stuttered the soldier.
"When a dog cocks its leg against me, I'll stand there for Queen and country;"
"When a bird makes a nest in my hair and lays an egg down the back of my neck, I'll stand there for Queen and country;"
"But I draw the line when a squirrel runs up the inside of my trouser leg and shouts 'Oh goody, nuts! I'll have one now and save one for winter'."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:57 PM

"Painting Pains"

I'd been hired to paint a woman's living room,
but every time I put another coat of paint on the
walls, my client changed her mind about the color.

After the third time, it still wasn't right so back
to the paint store I went.

As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented,
"It seems like you're painting faster."

I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Schantieman
Date: 04 Feb 08 - 03:58 AM

Two gems from a dinner the othe night:

Time is what keeps everything from happenimg at once.

A southerner (like me) who's lived up north for longer than I have, back in the dim and distant was driving through Widnes looking for one of those big DIY shops.

"I say", he asked of a local, winding down the window, "Is there a B & Q in Widnes?"

The Widnesian stood for a moment contemplating the question and then repeated it: "Is ther a B & Q in Widnes?..... No, I don't believe there is; there's a B in Bolton and a Q in Queensferry but not in Widnes."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 04 Feb 08 - 06:07 PM

True story: a friend was supposed to be going on a trip to Germany with his wife and her sister but he was too ill and they went without him. He was hobbling back from the newsagents when a neighbour stopped him and said;'I thought you were away this week'. He explained,she said 'I bet you're fed up then.' 'Yes' he replied, 'I'm off to the library for a book on euthanasia.'
'Oh I thought she'd gone to Gemany'.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:49 AM

LOL Mike, Reminds me of the time when I was in Alabama. I was talking to this woman and she asked where I was from. I said I was from England originally but have lived in the Middle East and Dallas and Colorado, so I guess I'm nomadic!

She said "Where's that?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 08:19 AM

A woman with a mild hormonal imbalance was put on a course of testosterone by her doctor and told to come back in a month to see how she was getting on.

"Well, how are things?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, I feel fine," she said, "but I'm a bit worried about the extra hair growth I'm experiencing."

"Oh, don't concern yourself with that!" said the doc. "Testosterone is the male sex hormone after all, and some extra hair growth is only to be expected! Where abouts are you noticing the hair?"



"On my balls."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 09:12 AM

Synchronicity, perhaps - I find I have made two references to elephants in other threads. So

An elephant escaped from the circus. Some time later the police received a phone call from a harassed lady :

'There's an animal in my front garden with a tail at each end of its body, and you would not believe what it's doing with my currant buns !'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

And now for some one-liners:

Sign in the window of a secondhand shop:
"For sale. Stuff with previous experience."

Golf is played by twenty million mature American
men whose wives think they are out having fun.

There's a book that tells you where you should go
on your vacation. It's called your checkbook.

Nobody ever got their money's worth out of a tube
of Super Glue.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. At
least that's what I think.

The end is near when a Happy Meal costs more
than a share of Delta stock!

I'm not too bad a cook, but my doctor told me to start
eating out.

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly
as the joke he resents.

Both men and women are fallible. The difference is,
women know it.

I'm from Poland and I demand that the NCAA change
"pole vault" to "stick vault."

Current Republican leadership is more interested
in checks than balances.

Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later
in life.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter
words were taken.

An escalator can never break, it can only become
stairs.

You wouldn't worry about what people think of you
if you knew how seldom they do.

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them.

Optimist sees only the bagel.
Pessimist sees only the hole.
Pragmatist just eats the bagel.

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do
it very often.

Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance
left her speechless.

A good listener is usually thinking about something
else.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than
you have symptoms.

Enjoy yourself NOW! These are the good old days
you're going to miss later.

The world is round; it has no point.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

Grow angry slowly, there's plenty of time.

My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful
service.

When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant,
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.

Mountain climbers always rope themselves
together, probably to prevent the sensible ones
from going home.

Handling a group of kindergartners is like
trying to keep thirty corks under water at once.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers, and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Rationalization: A mental exercise that allows you
to lie without the accompanying guilt.

It's a strange world of language in which
skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

A man will marry a woman because he needs
a mother he can communicate with.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Roger the Skiffler sans cookie
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 12:24 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to High Wycombe and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket.



We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a Nazi turd.



He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead.



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.



We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.



It's important at our age.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 10:00 AM

Hardly a joke, but not worth starting a new thread.

The Guardian publishes a column of corrections, and today we have:

Whether the romance of the French president and Carla Bruni was very pubic only they can say. We meant to say it was very public.

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 01:23 PM

Yes, I know this isn't really a joke, but I still think it's a good place to Mudcatize this link: SQUIRREL IN CHURCH

Click and enjoy!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:12 AM

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:40 AM

From another thread - if Feb 12 is Darwin Day, does that make the 11th Mitochondrial Eve?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 12:01 PM

frogprince, that's a joke, isn't it. Think it thru again whether "little" makes sense there ...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 04:48 PM

"Going, going,.... gone!"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with
a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take
at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags
on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow
cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 09:17 PM

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time--this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?"

A tiny little voice came squeezing out of the box in reply, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 11:15 PM

Ah..Mudguard?

Uncle Dave,s long list of short items included:
"It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them."

But Americans who make massive amounts of money can afford any number of ways to avoid paying proportionate taxes. If they aren't trying to avoid it anyhow, G.W.B. gives them massive tax breaks.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:20 AM

Hamish rings his friend Alex.
"Hi Alex. There's party at my place tonight. Plenty of booze. I hope you can come."
"Well Hamish, I'd love to come but we have a nasty case of laryngitis here".

"Just bring it along" Hamish replies "we'll drink anything"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

After the birth of her first child, the young housewife became obsessed with cleanliness and hygiene, and went to great lengths to disinfect and sterilise everything with which her baby might come into contact.
One day the baby was cutting his first tooth, and she sought the advice of an old friend as to what she should do.
"Don't worry," advised her friend, "just put your finger gently into its mouth…" Then broke off, noticing the mother's horrified expression, and added hastily, "Naturally you boil the finger first."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 12:34 PM

A young writer decided he would make better progress on the novel he was working on in a peaceful rural environment. So, he rented a cabin on several hundred acres of woodland in the hills of western Kentucky. He'd been there about a month without seeing another soul, when he heard a knock on the cabin door. He opened the door and has greated by a grizzled old man.

"Howdy," the old man said, "I'm yore neighbor from acrost th' crick. I seed th' woodsmoke frum yore chimley an' knowed they wuz somebody livin' here. I come over 'cause we'z gonna be havin' a liddle party tonight an' wuz wunderin' if'n you'd wanna drop by."

The young writer thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "Sure. I've been here alone for a month now and seeing some other people would be nice."

"Good," said the old man. "They's apt t' be some drinkin' at this party. Ya don't mind that, do ya?"

"No," replied the writer, "I don't drink much, but I don't mind a beer every now and then."

"All right," said the old man. "They might be some fightin' at this party. Izzat okay?"

"Well," replied the writer, "I'm a pretty peaceful guy myself, but I'm not going to get in the way if that's how you folks up here like to entertain yourselves."

"Good," said the old man. "They's probly gonna be some fuckin' at this party too. You don't have no problem with that, do ya?"

The writer thought for a few seconds and replied, "I'm from the big city and I've been to some pretty wild parties, some that have turned into downright orgies. I doubt there's much you folks would be doing that I haven't seen before."

"Well all right," said the old man. "Th' party's gonna start about seven. Just turn right outta yore driveway an' it's th' next mailbox, 'bout a mile down th' road." Then he turned and began to walk away.

"Wait a moment," called out the writer. "Should I bring anything to the party?"

The old man turned around and said, "You can if ya want to, but it don't really matter. They ain't gonna be nobody but you an' me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:37 PM

"Upset Newlywed"

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my
husband, I went to my mother to complain.
Trying to console me, my dad said that men
are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only
one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often
do you have to parallel park?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 07:18 PM

There's a doctor walking down the corridor in a hospital when he hears a scream.

Just then a door opens and a man runs out with a nurse chasing him with a steaming kettle.

The doctor stops the nurse and says,

"No, Nurse! I said for you to prick his boil!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM

I found this on another music message board where they were discussing onomatopoeias. It was signed "unsigned:"

Season being Lent, as it is, young man goes to CONFESSION. Having a little bother with sins of the FLESH. Becoming enslaved to his BASER urgings. Confessor suitably shocked. Fire and brimstone. Gates of HELL are opening wide. Young man CONTRITE, REPENTANT. ...BUT, needs some practical advice on how to deal with this VICE. ADVICE forthcoming, to wit:

When you feel the bestial URGE RISING within you, advises the confessor, take hold of your member. Show him that you are in charge. Call on him to DIE so that you may LIVE in GOD'S holy GRACE. . . . 5 our fathers, five hail marys, five glory be . . .

TIME passes. URGES do arise, or attempt to arise. But, the young man is up to the challenge. Member cannot withstand the young man's WITHERING, ICY blast of DIE. Member is pathetic, pleads for a little PLEASURE ... to no avail. YM is MASTER of his DOMAIN.

Time passes. Challenges become more POTENT. The OLD MAN in him starts to gain ASCENDANCY. Our young friend is in GRAVE danger for his MORTAL SOUL, but he is DETERMINED not to submit or yield (something like SATAN in Milton's PL). He takes a firm grip of his member and calls out DIE. Far from dying, the member laughs at his MASTER (sic). YM calls out again with more intensity, DIE, DIE. The OLD MAN , far from being beaten, SWELLS with (false) PRIDE, and throws back the challenge in his face. Again, the young man calls out DIE ! DIE! DIE! (with increasing tempo) die-die-die-diddly-idle-didal-didal ... (tempo increasing to 180 . . . before dropping to Martin Hayes tempo).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Feb 08 - 01:49 PM

I figure he could kill it by making its head explode!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 04:43 AM

Cross Channel Swimmers

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 08:47 AM

"You guy's cheated" ....tsk! an apsotrophe! Seems like the blond wrote the joke.

(Is that the same blond who tried to swim the channel 2 years earlier, and after swimming 3/4 of the way across, decided she couldn't make it....so she turned around and swam back?)



--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies.....
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be aproximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you dumb ass, someone has stolen our tent.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 10:37 AM

My Lone Ranger joke.


Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when they see a line of Indians ahead (it's a very old joke, so bare with me - is that right, 'bare'?). So they wheel to the left. There are men on that horizon too. So they wheel to the left. Only to see more. They turn thru 45" once more - same result.

Lone Ranger says,"We're surrounded!"

"Kemi Sabi, whaddya mean 'we'?"




PS.If that is totally unacceptable,I drop it from the act forthwith.

Holding no hostages, i offer one to displ ...well, anyway.

The first travellers to what we now call the US meet their first native Americans.

After the translating gets sufficiently sorted out, the travellers ask, waving their arms in a grand sweep, "Whar do you call this place?"

One of the N.A.s says,"Well, we call it 'Ours'".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One day, little benny says to his Dad,"Daddy, what's the Stock Market?"

Dad says, "Benny, I'l tell you when you're old enough."

"I am old enough if you explain it simply."

"Alright. I buy three chickens, and soon they lay eggs, I sell some eggs to get my money back for the chickens. Meantime the eggs eventually turn into loads of chickens. And so on like that. See, that's the Stock market."

"Yes, I see."

"And then, one day, rains like from the Bible come along and wash away all the chickens I had. That's also the Stock market. 'Cos I realise I should have bought ducks !!!"


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child. Eventually.      (Steven Wright)

I ran three miles today. In the end, I shouted,"Lady, take your purse."      (Emo Philips)

My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic. When I went to confession, I'd pray,"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I think you know my lawyer, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 11:52 AM

Corrections and Clarifications.

'quicksand' and 'confession'


Shame there's no retrieve button to redo errors before final posting. But then Mercury is still retrograde.

   Ivor

Changed them for you. I thought "quicksend" was some kind of Steven Wright thing I didn't *get*! Thanks!
el joe clone

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 12:48 PM

Before posting, I ALMOST always use the "Preview" box, and then submit. I find I can proofread my post a lot better in the clean, clear, bold presentation that results than in my original typed version. Only after it passes that test will I hit "Submit".

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 03:33 PM

Q.

So thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's what it is. ck.

   It's like that law of life - If all else fails, reaf the instructions.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 07:05 PM

My excuse for the spelling/puctuation error is simpler - I nicked the joke from eslewhere and didn't bother to proof read.

W

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 01:48 AM

Thanks, el Joe. The usual cheque in the post.

   Irvo

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:23 AM

100

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:16 AM

Reminded of this one by something in another thread. Sent to me when I was converting our barn and discussing types of insulation.

Kite Insulations, an off-shoot of the Eden Centre Bio-Dome project, have just launched a new insulation material which is even more eco-friendly than Warmcel or sheep's wool.

It is a naturally occurring product which is already grown and harvested around the world. Within the protected and enhanced environment of the Bio-Dome it will be possible to harvest at least 4 crops per annum.

As well as extensive use in the pharmaceutical, clothing and paper industries, Indian Hemp has now found a new use as a highly effective insulating material.

The entire plant is chopped up, dried, treated for non-combustibility like Warmcel and delivered to site in shrink wrapped, rigid brown slabs.

When packed into the walls, floors and roof of new homes the owners report:

* the comfort factor as "very high"
* a relaxed atmosphere
* less family tension
* relief from aching joints

Kite accuse their detractors of wild imaginings and fear based upon a lack of practical experience of their product.

Kite claim their product will give the highest u-values ever. It is also the only insulation with a built in eco-friendly smoke detector - when exposed to fire it smoulders without catching fire, giving off a very distinctive "sweet" odour which rapidly fills the home.

At the end of the buildings life the insulation can be fully recycled and is expected to be worth many times its original cost as a reusable product.

Warmcel have already threatened to stop buying the remaindered Jeffrey Archer novels and old Yellow Pages they recycle and sell back to us as insulation. This could have severe implications for the land fill sector which will now have to cope with so much extra rubbish.

Kite are looking for customers to enter into joint developments and having tried the product a spokesman for BRE and the Agrement Board said he was "very relaxed about the whole idea".


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,HuwG at work
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:29 AM

"Where are you taking the trash, Tonto ?"
"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump, to the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump..."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:47 PM

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone."I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:53 PM

Boss to worker.."Where were you most of the afternoon?"

Worker: "I went to get a haircut."

"On company time?"

"It grew on company time."

"It didn't all grow on company time."

"I didn't get it all cut off."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Feb 08 - 12:12 PM

Boss to employee. Jones, you've been with us 20 years, you've never been late, done your work conscientiously, always done overtime when requested, never nicked holidays,never complained, always been polite.

Jones - what's your angle?



   Ivor


saw that once in a UK newspaper as a pocket cartoon.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 05:13 PM

Come Starboard"

A young man who wanted to see the world signed
on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He mastered the classroom instruction, then started
his practical training on the wheel of the vessel.

In his first lesson, the mate gave him a heading,
and the young fellow held to it.

Then the mate ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard
is, the young man left the helm and walked over to
his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as
the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently
considering the circumstance, he asked politely,

"Could you bring the ship with you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 06:32 AM

Just reminded me of a moment in a Goon Show.

Eccles: Laaaaaaaand ahoyyyyyyyy¬!! (Crashhhhhh!!) Oh. I should have said that sooner.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 09:19 AM

The local United Way chapter realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and replied, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly, said the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology.....

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer said, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 11:25 AM

As the old proverb says:

It's easier for a rich man to enter a camel than pass a needle.


Or something like that.

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:14 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter,
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter;
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some poor muggle's daughter.

I made that up myself! Am I to be pitied or censored?

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:59 PM

Great one Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 04:37 AM

Two women talking.

So how many children have you got?

No children yet.

So what do you do for aggravation?




          A favourite of my Mum's.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 08:53 AM

After the Six-Day War, two Arabs are gloomily discussing the poor showing of their armies.

Why do you think we did so badly? Was it the Russian weapoms?

No the weapons were excellent. No it was the Russian military textbooks that let us down.

What did they say?

Retreat, draw the enemy onto your territory. Then wait for the winter snows.............



      xx      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The other was a true news item from the other week on telly.

To understand it you have to know that The Bench means where magistrates sit; and in football, it's where the substitutes sit during matches.

The news said in effect, about a player who was charged with assault;- His bail has been amended, and tomorrow, he'll be on the bench.

i thought boy,I'd really like to see those bail conditions.


   Ivor


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:16 AM

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes
the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one
of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little
childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the
violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:33 AM

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it --


    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

    either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 10:03 AM

Another one on Political Correctness.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 12:45 PM

Oh the one about men getting lost all the time reminds me.

Q. Why did rhe Children of Israel spend 40 years traipsing thru the desert?

A. Cos their leaders wouldn't ask for directions.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 03:38 PM

REDHEAD   
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
    redhead sitting at the next table.   He has been checking her out
    since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
    socket toward the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
    back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
    in place.

    "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your
    dinner to make it up to you," she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
    the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
    her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
    come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the
    trimmings . The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything
    had been SO incredible!

    "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
    nice to every guy you meet? "

    "No," she replies. . . . .
      
      
    ...
      

      
    ...


    "You just happened to catch my eye."
      
    (Oh be quiet!)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 05:07 PM

POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 07:55 PM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

It's easy to find out if someone is Jewish. You just ask them their cholesteral level. If they tell you, they're Jewish. All Jews know it.      Jackie Mason.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Man goes into a sex shops and apparently asks for a blow-up doll.(I wasn't there so can't confirm that.) The assistant asks,"Do you want a Christian doll or a Muslim one?". The man asks, "What's the difference?"            The assistant says,"The Muslim one blows itself up."                Anon.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Two guys arrived at my door and said they wanted to talk to me about Jesus. "Oh no," I said,"What's He done now?"   Kevin McAleer.



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Gentile Cholesterol
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 12:21 PM

Well, I know my Cholesterol level, and I ain't Jewish. Here's a Chicken-and-Egg one; the hen looked at the scrambled egg and called it "just a crazy mixed-up kid". And an Emo one that has to be told slowly and carefully:

"I was making out with this really great babe last night. Yep, from the way she was responding to my advances, you'd have sworn she was
conscious. Aah! From the top of her head right down to the tag on her toe.." (at which point the audience, predictably, erupts)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 01:04 PM

It. Was A. Remnant. Of. Joke. :-)


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 05:21 PM

An Australian bloke had just finished making love with his Thai girlfriend. She reached over and started fondling his genitals. "You like doing that?" he asked. "Sure do," she said, "I really miss playing with mine."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 08:11 PM

LOL, bpeterfirth and ROFLMAO anon. via autolycus (whose name, I'm sorry to have to admit, I've been {mis}pronouncing Autoclytus all these years and didn't realize I was wrong till I just tried to type it and what I wrote didn't match, so I had to go back for a letter-by-letter read, sorry, autolycus!)!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 01:52 AM

No prob, Mrrzy. Of course, I never play with m.........hang on, I'm in public - so sorry.

I personally like jok...no, feedback on jokes,know what's going down well, 'n' all.


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:20 AM

"Clarification"

If you've ever wanted a child to not bear his/her
testimony, (an LDS Church practice) you'll
appreciate this one!! At a recent testimony
meeting, a five-year-old little girl stood up
and bore her testimony. After mentioning
everyone and everything she was thankful for,
she ended with this: "I am especially grateful
that our house has been much happier since
our family stopped using The "S-word" and
the "F-word."

As the little girl proudly walked back to her seat,
nobody could say a word. Needless to say they
were a little shocked by what the stake
president's daughter had just said.

Quickly, the red-faced stake president stood up,
smiled shyly, and went to the podium. "I feel I
should make a clarification as to what my daughter
meant. In our house the "S-word" is Shut-up
and the "F-word" is Fart."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 02:25 PM

(Thread drift -- not a joke.)
When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 10:19 AM

Have you ever tried to publish anything?

Dear Journal Editor, It's Me Again
By Roy F. Baumeister

Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

Enclosed is our latest version of MS# 85-02-02-22-RRRRR, that is, the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper. Choke on it. We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish. We even changed the goddam running head! Hopefully we have suffered enough by now to satisfy even you and your bloodthirsty reviewers.

I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques. After all, its fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested in details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches. We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren't reviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him or her to review this revision. Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the review process could be unduly delayed.

Some of the reviewers' comments we couldn't do anything about. For example, if (as reviewer C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that. Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has improved and benefited. Thus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface. We agree with you that the paper is much better this way.

One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions # 13-28 by Reviewer B. As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before doing your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper. These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see. Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literary magazine. The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom Reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited. To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of relevant literature, a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions in the other reviews.

We hope that you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is. If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage. May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes. If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process and to express our appreciation of your scholarly insights. To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to your journal.

Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally wrote it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge expand, shorten, and in general covert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables. We couldn't or wouldn't have done it without your input.

Sincerely,
(your name here)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 11:40 AM

(Thread drift -- not a joke.)
When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them.

Some years back, we played an outdoor gig at the local farmers' market. So Mizchuck sings Lou and Peter Berryman's "A Chat With Your Mother" (the one that everyone always calls "The F-word Song). Afterwords some lady (I give her the benefit of the doubt) comes up and complains that that song is unsuitable for a family audience. Kris says, "But there are no bad words in it at all! That's the whole point of it!" The woman says "Yes, but what if my child should ask what the F-word is? What would I tell him?" Kris asks how old the kid is, woman says he's in kindergarten. Kris says, "He Knows." Woman went away.

I'd have been tempted to answer her with eight words, the last six of which would be "...if you can't take a joke." But that's why we let Kris do our PR.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 06:22 PM

One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM

Uncle Dave, an old family friend, a pastor's wife, was entertaining a group of ladies at her home, and they were too involved in something to reflect on the fact that a toddler was bringing them all drinks of water. Same story; all dipped out of the john.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 07:40 AM

Value for money the Aussie way

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 10:04 AM

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago,
worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy
there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally
had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and
was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a
visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we
are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting
to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think
about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't
matter which twelve hours you work."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:35 PM

Bloke says to his wife. "D'ye fancy tryin' the missionary position tonight?"

She says, "Aye! What de we do?"

He says, Well aah just lie here and you p*ss off to Africa!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:53 AM

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, a doctor asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


   A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers!   Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"


Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Driscoll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 05:39 AM

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same telephone. He arrived in Cardiff and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this ime the sign under it read '40p per call.'

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 06:48 AM

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 08:46 AM

"Business 101"

We turned this team around 360 degrees.

We specialize in accurate interpretation of your
pathetically unclear and dismally vague
description of what you think you want.

If we learn from our mistakes, I'm getting a fantastic
education.

His ignorance was encyclopedic.

Don't hesitate to give out advice; it passes time,
and nobody will notice it anyhow.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.

There is nothing as permanent as a temporary
worker.

Chaos, panic, & disorder; my work here is done.
(Consultant's creed)

No one is funnier than people who take themselves
too seriously.

Love your enemies in case your business
acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards

I've made so many lateral moves in my company,
I'm beside myself.

There are moments when everything goes well;
don't be frightened, it won't last.

They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything
because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.'

My cup's been run over.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:07 PM

5 engineers and 5 mathematicians need to travel to a distant town.
They all meet up at the train station. They go to the ticket office. The mathematicians buy 5 tickets. And then watch in astonishment as the engineers buy just one tickets.
The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The engineers reply: "wait and see!".

They all get on the train. After some time one of the engineers spots the conductor approaching, so he informs the other engineers. They all head for the toilet and get in.

The conductor checks the mathematicians' tickets, then proceeds, stopping at the toilet noticing the "occupied" sign. So he knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please"! One of the engineers pushes the ticket outside at the bottom of the door. The conductor checks it, pushes the ticket back inside with a "Thank you!".

The mathematicians are very impressed by the engineers' cleverness.

So a few days later, they all gather again at the train station for going back home. The mathematicians remember what the engineers did for tickets a few days ago and now buy just one ticket, and are very surprised as the engineers do not buy a ticket at all!

The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The
engineers reply: "wait and see!".

Again they are in the train, and one of the mathematicians spots the approaching conductor. So the engineers vanish in one toilet, the mathematicians in the other. Just after the last mathematicians disappeared, one of the engineers comes back out of the engineers' toilet, goes to the mathematicians toilets, knocks and says "Ticket please!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 12:00 PM

A rabbi, a priest and an imam were on a train,playingpoker. And that despite the fact that the train company regulations farbade gambling.

They hear the ticket inspector approaching and hurriedly put the cards away just as the inspector opens the door. He;s suspicious, and askes the Imam if he has just been gambling. The Imam does what Imam's do and says he wasn't.

The inspector turns to the priest with the same question. The latter looks up, prays and says he hasn't been gambling either.

The inspector asks the rabbi if he was. The rabbi replies,"Who with?"


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 03:41 PM

Moses descends from his meeting on high, and he tells the Children of Israel,

"I've got good news and bad news.


"The good news is that I've got it down to 10.


"The bad news is that adultery is still in."



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM

Received these froma Scottish friend ( the birdwoman of Kalymnos):
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
> 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
> 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
> 'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
>
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
> 'Govan,' she replies.
>
> What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
> Oor Wullie.
>
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
> 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
> 'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Roger
> 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
>
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's
awa' noo.
>
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
> 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
> 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
>
> Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
> Coo eight.
>
> Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
> Which one's a Musketeer?
> The dark tan yin.
>
> A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
> his sister from a telephone box.             So he
> calls the operator who asks in a plummy
> voice:
> 'Is there money in the box?
> 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
>
> While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
> 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
> And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
>
> What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
> Hawkeye The Noo.
>
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A
skean dhu.
>
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
>
> A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is
> a
> lace missing.
> 'No,' argues the assistant,
> 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .
>
> 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep
> farmer?
> The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
> And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
>
> 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
> A wee fly b*****d.
>
> Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for

> the toilets at Waverley Station?
> It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
>
> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
accident?
> The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
>
> Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
> Because the chef was Lou Ping.
>
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
>
> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make
> a
> negative - 'Aye right.'
>
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when
> he
> spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
> 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
> 'Piston broke,' he replies.
> 'Aye, same as masel...


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 04:49 PM

Hey! How come Pakistan hasn't organised an earth-quake appeal for England???

Just wait till they have their next one!! They'll get nowt from me!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 05:16 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Mar 08 - 08:34 AM

"Golf Clubs"

Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did
I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the
first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied,
"How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell
me that he's already throwing his clubs as far
as men who've been playing the game for years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Mar 08 - 03:59 PM

A SPECIAL POEM

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go!



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take
time to look for it. For example I am sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:25 PM

"A Frickin' Elephant"

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at
a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 05:07 PM

What have these three date/time combinations in common:

08 Jan 08 - 12:14 PM
20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM
03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM


At each of these there was a tired dog ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 06:02 PM

Strange, Mudguard! I used the Mudcat search function for the forum, and found only two "tired dog" entries, neither one of them this joke.

That doesn't excuse my aging memory, of course, but I'll say that a good joke can stand being told again. And again. And . . .

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 09:15 AM

"Petishun"

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum
stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment.
It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn
dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to
the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos
all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new lo
to stop this pursicushun. We want a lo that makes
peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes
and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get
our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond
and we will make up jokes about you and we will
laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise

________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you
make a mistake)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 11:57 AM

An old man was bragging to his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

=============================================================

An architect, a surgeon, and a politician were discussing their place in the universe.

The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.'

The architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. Before the rib extraction, God made the world in six days out of chaos.'

The politician smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:11 PM

Two mice were in the projection room of the cinema at night, chewing on the film.

one says, Well, what do you think?

the other says, I preferred the book.

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:26 PM

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:37 PM

First, an explanatory note: The BMW referred to is a two-wheeler, not a tin box (US readers - think Harley, but European and more sophisticated).

On a farm, the horse and the chicken were close friends, and often played together. One day the horse fell into the manure pit and called to his friend the chicken to help him.

The chicken assessed the problem, ran to the farm and came back with the farmer's BMW, picked up a rope and threw one end to the horse. He tied the other end to the BMW and pulled the horse out of the manure pit.

The horse was very grateful.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the same manure pit. "Quick," he called to the horse "get the BMW and pull me out."

The horse thought a moment, and said "I think there's another way." He straddled the pit and dangled his equipment above the chicken. "Catch hold of that" he said. The chicken did as he was told, and the horse did a quick dressage sidestep, and the chicken was safe.

And they both lived happily ever after.


Oh yes, and the moral of the story:















If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull the chicks!


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 08 Mar 08 - 09:18 AM

Rabinowich applies to join the communist party, and is required to answer a few questions.

Who was Karl Marx?

I don't know.

Lenin?

Never heard of him.

Friedrich Engels?

Nor him.

Are you playing games with me? asks the official.

Not at all, says Rabinowich. Do you know hershel Solzberg?

No, says the official.

How about Yankel Horiwitz?

Nor him.

Well, says Rabinowich, that's the way it goes, doesn't it. You've got your friends and I've got mine.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Mar 08 - 10:06 AM

"Building a Car"

Two guys sit down for lunch in the General Motors
office cafeteria.

The conversation goes like this...

"Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?"
one asks. "I haven't seen him around for awhile."

"Oh, he got this hare-brained notion he was going
to build this new kind of car," his co-worker replies.

"Geez, how did he go about doing that?"

"Well, first he took a engine from a Firehawk, next
a 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette, a Camaro
body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from
a Caddy, and, well...... you get the idea."

"So.... what did he end up with?"

"Ten to fifteen years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Mar 08 - 09:21 AM

"Drinking With the Bartender"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the
man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't
got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times
then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the
bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone
in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give
me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself
that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the
same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the
doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a
drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him, then throws
him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same
bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house
a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender
says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent
when you drink."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 10 Mar 08 - 11:20 AM

It's early evening and a man walks into a bar. Apart from the barman, there's only one other guy there, sitting on a barstool sipping his drink.

The barman says "Good evening, sir. What will you have?"

"Thank you, I'll have a whisky, please."

The man takes another barstool, and the barman hands him a whisky.

"That'll be £1.50, sir". (This was a long time ago)

"Oh, I didn't expect to pay for this - you offered it freely".

The barman looks startled, and says "How do you think we make any money here? We don't give free drinks. Now pay up before I get mad".

At this, the quiet guy on the other barstool says to the barman "Excuse me, I don't want to interfere, but I think the customer has a point. I'm a lawyer. I heard you offer him a drink when he came in, and he accepted it. This created a contract between you, and there was no mention of money. In my opinion, he is entitled to the whisky, free of charge".

The barman looked startled, then turned to the man and said "All right, the brief here says you're entitled to your drink, so drink it up. And then go! And I never want to see you in this bar again".

The man finishes his whiskey, bids good evening to the barman and the lawyer, and leaves.

A few weeks later, the same man walks into the same bar, where the same barman is behind the bar.

"Hey, you! Get out of this bar. I said I never wanted to see you in here again. Now leave!"

The man looks startled. "I'm sorry" he says. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've not met you before and I've never been near this bar in my life".

The barman is taken aback. "Oh, excuse me sir. I thought I recognised you. You must have a double."

"Make it a whisky, please!"


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:18 AM

One from a happy retiree:
CDC Alert



The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,by hand, and even electronically.



This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.


If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both fo the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (Beer). Take the antidote repeatedly until Work has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected...And WORK is controlling your life.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 07:01 AM

PUPPIES FOR SALE

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about Nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he Felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy.

Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle,"Here,Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this One noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself To a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need Someone who understands."


The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:40 PM

FROM THE MOUTH OF A JEWISH BUDDHIST

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy; with the second sip,
satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage... that's another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life
without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never
wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you
have?

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is
not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining
Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded
glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand
times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a
specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not
every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no
self. So, maybe we're off the hook.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:31 AM

Its Time!

Continued at 3rd Joke thread of 2008!