BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Subject: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 17 May 09 - 03:47 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

1st one's gettin' a little long so here we go...

If you don't laugh, you're dead.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:44 PM

I pee'd myself laughing at that! Memories........

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:53 PM

ENLIGHTENED!

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'
    State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.   BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 10:10 PM

The Economy Is So Bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:
GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on. (Now, this is serious)

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 20 May 09 - 02:57 PM

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and took a shoite at de bottom each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes... ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 20 May 09 - 08:10 PM

A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 20 May 09 - 08:17 PM

A man goes to the dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies,























"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 09 - 06:51 PM

"Diplomacy Is A Perilous Job"

Henry VIII, a bluff and hearty but pathologically
tyrannical king (especially in his later years),
appointed an ambassador to France at a time
when relations between the kingdoms were
poor indeed.

The ambassador was a reluctant one, particularly
because of the truculent nature of the message
he was to carry. "Your Majesty," he said diffidently,
"King Francis will be perfectly capable of removing
my head on receipt of a message so phrased."

"Fear not," said Henry. "Francis well knows that if
he were to behead my ambassador, the head of
every Frenchman in my dominions would be removed
within twenty-four hours."

"I am sure of that, sire," murmured the ambassador,
"but consider that, among all those French heads,
not one will be found to fit my shoulders."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: heric
Date: 21 May 09 - 08:14 PM

I took a friend out to lunch today and pointed out that they had tongue on the menu. She said Eww please, I'm not going to eat something that came out of a cow's mouth. I'll just have an egg salad sandwich.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Peace
Date: 23 May 09 - 12:13 AM

This is priceless.


From what I understand (this was sent to me by a friend who knows I was an English teacher for years and also a firefighter), this ad was released and all the way gone before it was stopped. Seems an ESL person either did the caption. Best be aware of language usage when ya do these things.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Peace
Date: 23 May 09 - 02:25 AM

. . . either did the caption or allowed it to pass inspection.

(Speaking of ESL . . . .)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 09 - 12:59 PM

OOOOH!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 09 - 10:16 AM

"Two Monsters At Sea"

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the
ocean, looking for something to do. They came
up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.
Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the
ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship,
again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the
ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes
and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help
myself once I start..... Everyone knows you can't
eat just one potato ship."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: severed-head
Date: 25 May 09 - 03:50 AM

Feeling down??

Fed up???

Need cheering up???

Well here's the answer....................


Watch your wedding video backwards, you'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks out of the church jumps in the car and f**ks off!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: severed-head
Date: 25 May 09 - 03:56 AM

A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot, police arrest 20 and they end up in court. Best Man says to the judge "Can I explain what happened? Its tradition for the Best Man to have the first dance with the bride, which I did. I was dancing real close, the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the fanny!"
"Gosh" says the judge "that must of been sore"
"Sore??", he broke 3 of me fingers!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 25 May 09 - 05:20 PM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 25 May 09 - 05:20 PM

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?













About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 09 - 06:37 PM

Rather be an OUTLAW than an INLAW.... Outlaws are wanted!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: jonm
Date: 26 May 09 - 03:01 AM

.... and of course "mother-in-law" is an anagram of "woman Hitler"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 26 May 09 - 06:31 AM

Adjacent threads:-

BS: whats wrong with ukip [UK Independence Party]   
BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Well, it amused me.
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 May 09 - 08:38 PM

Why is it better to fall into a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid than into a vat of molten optical glass?

It is commendable to be part of the solution, but there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 May 09 - 09:15 PM

The Women's Historical Society located Tom Dooley's gravesite and sought permission to have his body exhumed.

They wanted to know how he was hung.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 May 09 - 09:11 PM

A true story I just heard: A then young lady, ca. 1960, found herself in the company of leftist folkies (yes, there are other kinds). She naively asked why she hadn't heard much of Burl Ives recently. There was a dead silence, after which a gentleman explained:

"He sang."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: 3refs
Date: 28 May 09 - 08:52 AM

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While they were still watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 May 09 - 12:48 AM

Medieval Helpdesk
(Norwegian video with English subtitles)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 30 May 09 - 07:49 AM

This one cribbed from a Tony Hillerman novel:
Two Navaho kids caught a dragonfly. Dragonfly offered them a wish if they let it free.
On kid asked to be the smartest man on earth. The other (smartarse) asked to be smarter than the smartest man on earth.
.........
Th dragonfly turned him into a girl.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 May 09 - 09:25 AM

"Kansas Cyclone"

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before
dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked
up the beds on which the farmer and his wife
slept, and set them down gently in the next
county.

The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said.
"We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she
responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause
this is the first time in fourteen years we've been out
together."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 31 May 09 - 08:18 PM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.



Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 01:44 AM

... Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.






Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 05:08 PM

"Priest's Retirement Dinner"

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it.

"He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession."


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 08:36 AM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says,

"Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 09:35 AM

"Dad's Baldness"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy,
why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming up with a good answer to her
husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and
asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 09 - 05:50 PM

"The Waiter's Ghost"

Six months after the waiter died, his widow
went to see a medium, who promised she
would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure she
saw her husband standing in the corner,
dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak
to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't.
It's not my table."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,susu's hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:24 AM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.





Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:37 AM

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 03 Jun 09 - 08:47 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a
while
a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 04 Jun 09 - 06:44 AM

Q: Why was the soldier late for the battle?
A: He couldn't find his khakies.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 12:54 AM

Email Warning! -

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton,' do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 03:44 PM

An Army ROTC cadet was kept out of Airborne School because of bad grades, his grandfather was confused. "Wait a minute," he saidto his grandson. "You're telling me that these days you have to be smart to jump out of an airplane?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 10:06 PM

It was the first day of class, and the first-grade teacher wanted to see what sort of pupils she had on her hands. So she gave a little quiz:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What is 1+1?

She got back the following papers:

1. A schoolteacher.
2. 2.

1. A computer programmer.
2. 10 in binary; 2 in octal, decimal, or hex.

1. A physicist.
2. You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.

1. A mathematician.
2. 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.

1. An accountant.
2. What answer do you want?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jun 09 - 02:41 PM

"Dear Potential Investor"

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?

Sincerely,

The CatWoman

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 09 Jun 09 - 09:47 AM

> "John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
>
> He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
>
> After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
>
> He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?'
>
> Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.
>
> This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few moments and asked again, 'How about going to the pub and having a beer with me?'
>
> Again there was no answer, nothing but silence from his new friend and pet.
>
> So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
>
> He decided to ask him one more time. Thinking that centipedes may have poor hearing he put his face up close to the centipede's house and shouted,
>
> 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a beer with me?
>
> A little voice came out of the box:
>
> 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!' "
>

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jun 09 - 02:08 PM

A C-130 "Hercules" cargo plane, an Air Force workhorse since 1954, was flying over the Persian Gulf on a mission when a cocky pilot in an F-16 "Fighting Falcon" fighter flew up next to him.

The fighter jock got on the radio and told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "I didn't see anything. What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jun 09 - 02:12 PM

The Theory of Banking or How Banks Make Money

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 09 - 09:38 AM

"Mother's Milk"

Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic
container that was in the refrigerator yesterday,
please do NOT own up to it.

I would find it forever after difficult to meet your
gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a
discussion about java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for
my baby, if you get my drift. I will label these
things from now on, but if you found your coffee
tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you
might think about calling your mom and telling
her you love her."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Jun 09 - 05:19 AM

Uncle DaveO, your joke above (re the fighter and the transport aircraft) is reminiscent of one which was doing the rounds when the United States Air Force had adopted the single-engined F16 and the United States Navy and the US Marines had adopted the twin-engined F18.

A USAF pilot and a USN / USMC (delete to choice) pilot were on a transit flight. One asked the other, "Can your plane do this?" and for several minutes, the two performed a series of manoeuvres. Finally, the F18 pilot said, "OK. Now match this."

Nothing appeared to happen, the F18 continued to fly straight and level. The F16 pilot said, "What did you do?"

"I just shut down one engine" replied the other.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 09 - 12:34 PM

"Causes of Arthritis"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and
a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,
returning to his paper. The priest, thinking
about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 11:39 AM

"Pronunciation"

I love this one! How could you keep a straight face
if someone with a straight face told you this was
the pronunciation?! OMG!!

How would you pronounce a name spelled: "Le-a"

SCHOOL TEACHERS (especially), I BET YOU
THOUGHT YOU HAD HEARD AND SEEN IT ALL!!

How would you pronounce this child's name? Le-a
(written just like that)

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha'. Oh yes... you read
it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish,
LA.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting
her name wrong.

SO, if you see something come across your desk
like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation
of the name, she said,

"The dash don't be silent."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 11:47 AM

"Blind Date"

After being with his blind date all evening, the
man couldn't take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have
an excuse to leave if something like this
happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered
his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just
died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours
hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:30 AM

"Government Planning"

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
    Washington, D.C.

    Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

                                  Patriotically Yours,
                                  The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:11 PM

They're not going to cremate Michael Jackson. They're going to melt down all the plastic and make legos, so the kids can play with him.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:39 PM

Two rednecks were out hunting in the woods when one fell to the ground and wouldn't respond. The other called 911 and asked what he needed to do. She said,"first make sure he isn't breathing". There was a pause, then a gunshot. The man came back on the phone and said ,"Ok now what?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 27 Jun 09 - 09:59 AM

I just heard on the radio that Jacko had died.
It didnt say what colour?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jul 09 - 10:21 AM

"Toothpaste"

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10
Questions" that spotlights people who live in our
community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation
and age, people are asked the questions that give
a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the
'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing
people say to you?"

Her answer: "How did you get such white teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 09 - 09:32 PM

The Ultimate Quote of the day

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Jul 09 - 06:04 AM

UK-only ...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson (manager of Manchester United Football Club)?

Ferguson will be playing Giggs in August.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jul 09 - 02:39 PM

"Ceremonies"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast
at the retirement home and were relaxing in
the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most
marriage ceremonies, they don't use the
word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used
to lend a little humor to the occasion."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 05:28 PM

The other day it was announced that scientists had found a drug that would make older people crave more sex. Hearing this, Madonna exploded.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 08:23 PM

Two old puns on one old word:

In 1933, when FDR called in all the gold, Tallulah Bankhead showed up at the bank with a huge stack of gold coins. "Why, Miss Bankhead," said the teller, "you've been hoarding!" "Never mind how I got it. Bank it."

A cartoon I never saw showed a student standing on a chair, nailing a high-heeled shoe over his door. Another student was saying "I think, Pierre, you misunderstood when we were telling you about that old American custom."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Jul 09 - 07:16 AM

Did you ever receive spam emails?

Yes?

No! You did not.
Read here why you only think that you got spam emails but did not ...

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 09:07 PM

Doctor's Advice!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is   chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure,   explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my   lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'   

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jul 09 - 09:53 AM

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
    The young priest nodded, and the old priest continu ed, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
    "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
    "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
    "But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
    "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Jul 09 - 06:37 PM

Be sure to remove the screen before jumping out the window. Otherwise, you might strain yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 09 - 06:50 PM

The distressed-looking man had downed several
drinks in rapid succession before the bartender
asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows,
buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually does not work, you know."

"No crap," the man moaned. "I cannot even get
my wife anywhere near the water!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jul 09 - 05:02 PM

"Double Occupancy"

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll
take it."

"Okay, I'll arrange it," said the manager.

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and
he sat up all night watching me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 09 - 03:41 PM

Subject: Places You Could Live After Retirement....

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!

You can Live in California where....
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where....
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It
was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind--even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: alanabit
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 04:55 AM

The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 08:26 AM

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It
was different!'

All of both of those apply to Vermont (outside of the greater Burlington area, and of Woodstock).

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Those sound a lot like the Bozeman area of Montana - except the last one; I don't think anyone old enough to be bald is allowed to live there.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jul 09 - 03:13 PM

"Something For The House"

The husband was not home at his usual hour,
and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later
and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise
at the front door, and as she stood at the top of
the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a
skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because
I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran
down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said,
"What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jul 09 - 03:05 PM

"Blond Patient"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help
me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream
on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away
by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor,
"I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my
house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated,
"I mean on which part of your body did that bee
sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same
to me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Jul 09 - 04:27 PM

The first ship from Earth landed, and the inhabitants of the distant planet, after initial courtesies, gave their guests a tour. The Earthlings were particularly amazed at being shown a factory where babies were assembled. And how else, asked their host, would you do it? The answer led to some incredulity, and so, with some trepidation, a pair of Earthlings volunteered to give a demonstration. After it was over, one of the natives said "Remarkable. But where's the baby?" "You have to be patient. It takes 9 months." "But then why were you in such a hurry toward the end?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 02:16 PM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is adoctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. Iam not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor.Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:
   






"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 06:33 PM

To Sooz,


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!

There now that feels better!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 08:35 PM

DaveO: Cf.

Two cool types are sitting on the end of a pier, dangling their legs in the water.

"Hey, man, an alligator just bit off my leg."
"Which one?"
"Beats me. You see one alligator, you've seen 'em all."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jul 09 - 11:31 AM

I don't usually like ageist jokes, but this one is funny, imo:

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Aug 09 - 05:36 AM

The real reason Dick Cheney disbanded his secret Black Ops unit was after a dyslexic controller ordered an air strike on a John Lewis* van carrying Osman Bed Linen**.


RtS
*A well-know Brititsh chain department store
**A well-known brand in the UK

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: heric
Date: 01 Aug 09 - 02:53 PM

A little old man was walking along the beach in Miami, when he kicked a bottle and a genie popped out. The genie granted him a wish and he asled for peace in the Middle East, with Israel existing in harmony with its neighbors. The genie sais that dispute is centuries old - it's older than I am. It may not be a prudent with can you think of anything else?

The man said well, I have been married thirty years and haven't had a BJ in twenty-five - Do you think you could get my wife to give me one?

The genie paused, sighed, and said "Let me have another look at that map."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Aug 09 - 07:42 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Aug 09 - 07:54 AM

Quick thinking electrical engineer


My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked.

"At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.

"I'll be back for you at five," she said.

"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!", I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!"

"You'll think of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do".

"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered.

"Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom"

"But....," I tried to say.

"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye"

She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally, he spoke.

"What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said.

I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DaveA
Date: 07 Aug 09 - 07:03 AM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in
the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Aug 09 - 07:40 PM

Man blames cat for child porn downloads

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5787239/man-blames-cat-for-child-porn-downloads/

AAP August 8, 2009, 6:39 am

Investigators in Florida say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat.

Keith Griffin is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer.

According to a sheriff's report on Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. He said he had left the room and found "strange things" on his computer when he returned.

Griffin is being held on $US250,000 ($A297,830) bond in the Martin County jail. It is unclear if he has an lawyer.
~~~~~~~~

... and they say that on the internet, no one can tell you are a dog... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Aug 09 - 10:14 PM

OPEN LETTER TO THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD.
By Bobby Henderson
http://www.scq.ubc.ca/open-letter-to-the-kansas-school-board-2/

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

I am writing you with much concern after I read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design to be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming to long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don't.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

Sphere: Related Content

Divider

Bobby Henderson is 24 years old, having recently graduated from Oregon State University with a Physics degree. He is also very much unemployed, and it is clear to him (at least in the US), the ability to think is not required, or even a desired behavior. Furthermore, he believes that pursuing work which intends to improve the condition of the world is a dead end scenario, both career-wise and financially. For that reason, he feels strongly that his best chance for "success" would be to open a one-stop shop for liquor, lottery tickets, and perhaps a spot where patrons can pour oil on trapped animals. Of course, maybe he's just overreacting.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 26 Aug 09 - 08:25 PM

Birds of a feather flock together. Then crap on your car.



I'm a nobody and nobody's perfect; therefore I'm perfect.



Eagles may soar ,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: mayomick
Date: 27 Aug 09 - 04:32 PM

you're a perfect nobody

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 03:40 PM

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 03:41 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 09:04 PM

57% have piles. The rest are perfect assholes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 11:35 PM

""The folks at Obama health care ..."

Is "Obama" supposed to make that funny? If so, it is a stupid (It sounds likejoke...if not, why include it? (It sounds like a recycled old joke with "Obama" plugged into it to make some ponit.)

The health care plan would not create that situation, and using that kind of humor to suggest that is would, offends me.

Who me? A sarcastic pedant?...nawww...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Peace
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 11:50 PM

What could possibly go wrong:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but our health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at the testing facility recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Sep 09 - 12:33 PM

It was still funny, before!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:21 PM

Secret Plastic Surgery

A woman was in a terrible accident, and her face needed plastic surgery to cover her scars. The doctor told the husband that she desperately needed a skin graft, that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, no subcutaneous fat.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from hubby's buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling, think nothing of it," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:25 PM

The Golf Cheat

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

"Deal!" Barney agrees.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.

After five minutes neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:31 PM

University Safety Committee

Three professors, a mathematician, a physicist, and a biologist,
were assigned to be the safety committee for the destruction of
an old campus building. They watched as workers went in and out
to prepare the building, set the dynamite, etc., so they knew
they needed a plan to ensure everyone was out before they pushed
the button to blow it up.

The three professors agreed that they should lock all the doors
except one, and keep count of everyone going in and out of the
building. After hours on the second to last day, they scoured
the building to ensure no one was left inside, and the next
morning watched as the workers went in and out.

When the time came to blow up the building, two workers went in
to set the fuses, and when they came out, the safety committee
said, everyone would be out and it would be safe to blow up the
building. Except that once the fuses were set, THREE workers
came out!

The physicist says, "We must have miscounted!"

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced when they were in
there!"

And the mathematician says, "Okay, when one more person enters
the building, it will be empty!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 03:02 AM

A drover from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"



"A couple of minutes ago"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 07:17 PM

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 12:16 PM

"Newly Wed"

Soon after their wedding, the bride tells
the groom, "Darling, now that we are married,
I want you to fire your secretary."

"But honey," says the groom, "you used to
be a secretary yourself."

"Yes," she replies, "that's why I want you
to fire her."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Sep 09 - 06:27 PM

Don't Mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of a golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods. Harry laughed at Fred, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods too, just a few yards beyond. It took Fred a long time to look for his ball and he was getting angrier every minute. Finally, he found his ball in a patch of yellow buttercups. Instead of simply continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. No butterscotch sundaes, either. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then poof! She was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Harry! Harry! Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 11:12 AM

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the
angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you
tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ
the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened
to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely
regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much
like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer
over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid
sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as
well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually
liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or
woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a
candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No
court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before
it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said.
"I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a
greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more
attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single
mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut
off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the
edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had
to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate
religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been
busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether
the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity
scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as
invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are
"penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against
their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said
the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And
what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly
woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards
for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in
Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say
that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you
that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthazar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian
wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done
well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane
person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident
female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though.
Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to
celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance,
instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,'
why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could
make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the
religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet
unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big
office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Ref
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 09:59 PM

I guess if everyone's a fervent Christian, that's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 02:23 AM

It's not a joke about Christians, against Christians or specifically for Christians, fervent or otherwise!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Tangledwood
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 02:40 AM

It's more an observation of our society and it is funny.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Ref
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 06:30 PM

...Except that these are observations first made about twenty years ago and they weren't funny then. They're supposed to make people yearn for bygone days when minorities were afraid to raise their heads in public. You're entitled to your own opinion, but not to my respect of it.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 08:43 PM

Goodnight Prayers

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers -- which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence, but a few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side! He made sure he listened to her prayers every night.

Sure enough, several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it -- I've just spent the worst day of my life."

"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. "You'll never believe what happened to me: This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 04:16 AM

Phil the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Phil kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Phil could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Farmer Phil's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Phil noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Phil went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Phil amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.

Phil was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention..

Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 02:07 PM

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome
to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few
strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and
says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 10:46 PM

Thoughts for a Day

1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM

You Can Learn SO Much from Headlines!

From my files, dated 1995.

Real newspaper headlines, excerpted from the 'Notebook' pages of /New
Republic/ magazine

*Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link*
Cornell Daily Sun

*Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us*
Holland Sentinel

*Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut*
New York Times

*Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find*
Los Angeles Times

*'Light' Meals are Lower in Fat, Calories*
Huntington Herald-Dispatch

*Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking*
Hartford Courant

*Malls Try to Attract Shoppers*
Baltimore Sun

*Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought*
Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

*Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men*
Portland Oregonian

*Low Wages Said Key to Poverty*
New York Newsday

*Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete*
Miami Herald

*Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes*
Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia

*Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows*
New York Times

*Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies*
Los Angeles Times

*Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future*
Portland Oregonian

*Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning*
Buffalo News

*Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold*
Lexington Herald-Leader

*Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer*
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel

*Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy*
Collinsville Herald-Journal

*Bible Church's Focus is the Bible*
Saint Augustine Record, Florida

*Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity*
Chicago Tribune

*Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear*
Journal of Commerce

*Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person*
Schenectady, New York, Daily Gazette

*Lack of Brains Hinders Research*
Columbus Dispatch

*How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author
Louise Hart*
Boulder, Colorado, Daily Camera

*Fish Lurk in Streams*
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 05:13 PM

To Change a Light Bulb

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes 20 visits.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.

and...

*Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?*

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the
following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do
hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously
agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being
at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool,
ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction
being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of
the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the
party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural
integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary
and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however,
both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such
structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned.
provided that the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local,
and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document,
being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization
of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
known as "The Firm."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 08:17 PM

"shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation"

Oh dear! there's several pages of clauses omitted there - safety regulations as to approved types of ladders, approved construction material - if metal ladders are used, then there must be special insulation procedures, a second person to brace the ladder, especially if over a certain height, etc...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 09:17 AM

"Bad Virus"

There's a new potentially harmful virus doing the rounds.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it
to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

It's called the "C-NILE VIRUS."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 08:50 PM

Pat, a strapping young Irishman, saw a "Help Wanted" sign at a construction site. The foreman looked at him skeptically: "This is no job for a common laborer. You have to have the knowledge. You have to know a joist from a girder." "Sure and I have the knowledge," says Pat. "Joist wrote Ulysses, and Girder wrote Faust."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Tangledwood
Date: 10 Oct 09 - 06:12 AM

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pork pie and half a pint. Naturally the publican was somewhat taken aback and said "You're a duck. You can talk."
"That's right" the duck replied, "now can I have my lunch?"
The next day the duck returned for lunch so the publican asked where he was from.
"I work on the building site just across the road." he replied.
The lunch time visits became routine.

The following a week a circus arrived in town and after setting up the performers came to the pub for a few beers. The publican got talking with the circus manager and told him about the duck. The manager was very excited, saying that he thought they would be able to use him so the publican promised to ask the duck if he was interested.

Next day the publican told the duck "The circus down the road is very interested in you and would like to offer you a job."
"Hmmm," said the duck, "the circus. That's the place with the animals and the big tents isn't it?"
"That's right." the publican replied
"And they want to offer me a job?"
"Yes."
"Why?" the duck enquired "what do they want a bricklayer for?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 12:23 PM

"Ellis Island 101"

Yehudah Tzvi Windweher arrived at Ellis Island and
asked his friend, "What would be a good American
name for me? I want it to be Jewish, but more American."

His friend replied, "Sam Cohen, that's a good American
Jewish name."

Yehudah Tzvi began his long walk up a massive flight
of steps leading to the immigration office. With each
step he said, "Sam Cohen, Sam Cohen", in an earnest
effort to learn his new name.

When he finished carrying his luggage to the top of the
flight, he was winded and tired. A large immigration
officer caught Yehuda Tzvi off guard when he said
"NAME?" in a booming voice.

A flustered Yehudah Tzvi replied "shoyn fargesin" ("I
already forgot" in Yiddish).

The immigration officer replied, "Sean Ferguson, welcome
to the United States of America!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 08:21 PM

The lady of the house pulled out the produce drawer of her refrigerator and saw a rabbit snuggled up to a head of lettuce -- no less a rabbit than Bugs Bunny himself! She asked, "What are you doing here?" "Isn't this refrigerator a Westinghouse?" "Yes." "Well, I'm westing."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 06:48 PM

I dont see any schedule of fees. Dont tell me that lawyer was changing that light bulb for free?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 07:15 PM

Andrez, the question of fees is not between the lawyer and the light bulb. The lawyer is changing a bulb in his own law firm's office.

But lawyers live by billable hours, and his time will be split up among all his current cases, after being multiplied by some indeterminate figure between ten and a hundred.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 02:44 PM

The Psychiatric Hotline

Due to a huge upswing in call volume, the Psychiatric Hotline
has had to get an automated menuing system to route the incoming
calls to the correct department. For our clients' convenience,
the text of the greeting is copied here.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press -- no one will answer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 04:02 PM

If a Polack is a child molester, shouldn't he sleep with grown-ups?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 11:34 PM

The exquisite fairhaired young woman approached the desk at the Public Library, and said, "Please, I would like a quarter pounder cheeseburger with regular fries and a Coke."

"Madam," replied the astonished librarian, "this is a library."

"Oh, I am sorry," she said, sinking her voice to a whisper; "I'd like a quarter-pounder cheeseburger..."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:03 AM

I bow to the Master, Uncle Dave O!

Please accept these two small offerings at the altar:

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: No one knows because when the light comes on they all scatter

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends, how much money do you have?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 02:43 AM

A topical joke:

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea..

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater,
But soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:33 AM

LMAO !

Warning : this one does not translate into US English.

Three brothers had married three sisters. The mother of the sisters pretended to be a psychic, a sensitive, and wished to interview the men who had married her daughters.

John had married Penny. The mother-in-law told him he was obsessed with money.

James had married Cherie. The mother-in-law told him he was obsessed with booze.

At this, the third brother said to his wife "Come on home, Fanny - we're not staying here to be insulted !".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 05:22 AM

Q: How many BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2009 MudCat readers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 2,331

1 to change the lightbulb

14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the Joe or Max complaining about the lightbulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about lightbulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing lightbulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes lightbulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the lightbulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physics.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

and of course 1000 to say Aw F*ck light bulbs are electric!


Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 07:49 AM

Andrez, you forgot the one explaining to those across the pond what a light bulb is.

Cheers
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 08:07 AM

I thought it was the same all around the globe?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DMcG
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 11:40 AM

You forget the one pointing out thet Mudcat is not a news froup so all the stuff about alt.* is misleading.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DMcG
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 11:41 AM

... Nor is it a news group.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:27 PM

I thought it was the same all around the globe? Globe!! good one Dead Horse.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:45 PM

A fire chief hears that two of his men are still inside a burning building so he runs in after them. He's shocked to find them having sex with each other on the floor.

"What's going on here?" He demands

The first fireman says - "I heard Jones was still in her so I ran in and found him overcome with smoke inhalation"

"Well the proper way to treat smoke inhalation is with mouth to mouth resuscitation" the fire chief reply's.

"I know" – the fireman says - "that's how it all started"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:23 AM

Lucky Day

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

"Egg timer's broken again"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 10:06 AM

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my OTHER eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 05:07 PM

It's from the Northwest Indiana Times, and reads,

"Chesterton Cops Say Woman Had Merchandise in Pants"

Now, the first thing that went through my head was, "Is this a
shoplifting case, or a prostitution bust?"

It turns out that it's the former, but there's a line in the
story that just bowled me over.

Here's what the woman allegedly stole:

   * two dental kits
   * a bottle of cologne
   * one toy car
   * 12 packs of Ponds Facial Strips
   * a bottle of antifungal cream
   * two fingernail kits and two bottles of foundation primer

...which were found in her purse. When apprehended she also pulled these items out of her pants (hence the headline):

   * 10 DVDs
   * a Play Station video game
   * a pair of white tube socks
   * a black and red bra
   * a black and red pair of women's underwear with the word
"pouty" printed on them
   * three pairs of size 4T boys underwear, and
   * two women's rings

Apparently Tina Yeakey, 32, has some pretty big pants.

Now with all that in mind, here's what I want to point out --
the line in the story that "made it" for me:

"Yeakey was charged with felony theft and misdemeanor
conversion. She was taken to Porter County Jail, which has no
death row."

So, what -- they need to transfer her to a jail that DOES have a
death row? Boy: when it comes to shoplifting, we're pretty
strict in Indiana!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:08 PM

(Rated about PG-13....)

A newlywed blonde woman goes to a divorce lawyer to say that she
wants to divorce her new husband. The lawyer, far from the
mercenary type, says that maybe they can work the problem out --
what's the problem?

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing," she says.

"It's that my husband is just so. . .well . . . big!" said the
blonde. Every time we make love, it really hurts."

The lawyer indeed doesn't see any real way to save the marriage,
so he tells her, "Well, I guess you'll just have to file your
petition, then."

The blonde turns red and jumps to her feet.

"The HELL I will!" she screams. "He'll have to sandpaper HIS!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 02:14 AM

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

Cheers,

Andrez

PS: There's worse where that came from :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Young Buchan
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 02:10 PM

This joke is optional for Americans.

A Welshman died and went up to the pearly gates where he was met by a saint with a clipboard, who began to ask him questions:
Saint: Name?
Welshman: Gareth Llewellyn
S: Date of birth?
W: 19/6/46
S: Place of birth?
W: Colwyn Bay
S: Qualification for admission to heaven?
W: I have never drunk, gambled, smoked, sworn, missed chapel on Sunday …
S: Stop. You clearly haven't heard about the new regulations. We've been getting so many of you Welsh Baptists up here whose lives are just based on not doing anything wrong, that we all got hideously bored. So to qualify now, as well as not doing anything wrong, you have to prove you did at least one remarkable thing in your life to make it worthwhile and memorable. So did you ever save someone's life, or write a novel or have a flower named after you?
W: Well no. Mind you, I did play cricket for Glamorgan.
S: OK. That should do it. Of course, we'll need to get it verified, but that won't be a problem. Due to an administrative oversight we've got Wilf Wooler up here!
W: I don't think he'll remember me.
S: Don't be daft. He was Mr Glamorgan – player, captain, secretary, president….
W: Yes but I doubt if he'll remember me. The truth is I only played one game. It was a dull Thursday and I went to watch the start of a match against Essex at Colwyn Bay. Before the start they were warming up. Peter Walker hit a high ball up for fielding practice. Bernie Hedges and Jim Presdee both ran for it, crashed into each other and both got taken to hospital with concussion. There was only one twelfth man so they appealed to the crowd for someone to play. I was the only spectator under 50. I didn't bowl, didn't take a catch and made 0 and 0 not out.
S: Well you may not have been much of a cricketer, but that's a really interesting story. I reckon we can let you in on that – provided you really have led a sinless life. Is there anything you need to confess?
W: Well, yes there is. And it happened in that match. I was number 11. With the fifth ball of the penultimate over, needing 4 to win, Ossie Wheatley was out, and that was the ninth wicket down. As he met me coming back in he said, "Don Shepherd is at the other end. If he gets the last over he'll get a 4. All you have to do is survive one ball. Don't try to be a hero. Let it go if you can; if not, block it." I took guard and the bowler ran up and bowled. It looked as if it was going to be just outside off. I knew I should pad up, and leave it, but a little voice in my head said, "You could hit this for 4 and win the match!" I went to drive, but as soon as it hit the ground it cut away and I just knew it was going to take the outside edge. It was too late to withdraw the bat, so I did the only thing I could. I coughed. There was a nick, the wicketkeeper took it and all the slips went up. But the umpire wasn't sure he'd heard a nick over the sound of my cough, and gave me the benefit of the doubt. In the next over Don Shepherd got the boundary and we won.
S: And so that Glamorgan could win a cricket match, you cheated and imperilled your immortal soul?
W: I'm afraid so.
S: Well, I think on this occasion we can turn a blind eye and let you in.
W: Thank you. That's fantastic. And everyone always says what a stickler St. Peter is!
S: Oh, St. Peter is on his tea-break. I'm St. David.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 03:49 PM

I think I get it...!

~ Becky in Long Beach, Calif., U.S.A.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 06:21 PM

Golden Anniversary Truth

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something
I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes,
I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was stunned by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

"Let's see," Martha said. "The first time was shortly after we
were married, and we were about to lose our little house because
we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I
went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the
loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive
you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we
didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he
did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry "And you did it to save my life, so
of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the
third time."

"All right," Martha said, a little more hesitant. "So do you
remember when you ran for president of the yacht club, and you
needed 73 more votes...?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 02:34 PM

Satan Complains God Isn't Fair

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so
that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."

"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle
every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and
deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested,
and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my
fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to
make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 05:31 PM

And as an afterthought for Folkies, she created Morris Dancers!

:-)

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 06:34 PM

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 06:35 PM

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how
Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,'
he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the   Ark ?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'

HIGHER POWER


A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.


'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of   Egypt . When he
got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

      BEING THANKFUL


A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she
say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

       SAY A PRAYER


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
grandmother's house.   Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer...' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:08 PM

This item is in the range of 6-8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling loosely but ready for instant action. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white sticky substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready yet for another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is it?

A toothbrush.

What were you thinking, pervert!?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:22 PM

The Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. To add insult to the injury he did to his wife, he instructed the movers to take everything -- even the curtain rods....

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 04:33 PM

A little boy was sitting on a curb, smoking a cigarette and taking swigs out of a little brandy flask. A respectable woman happened by and was horrified. "Young man," she managed to say, "Why aren't you in school?" "Hell, lady," he said, "I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 07:51 PM

The same little boy walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The barmaid looked down at him and said "Do you want to get me into trouble?"

The lad replied "Cut the sex talk and just give me a beer."



DC

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 07:54 PM

"Randy Horse"

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his
horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John,
old buddy, how's everything today?" and then
bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said,
"Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the
horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, "For months now, you've walked in here
and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's
everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never
wait for an answer, and besides, my name is
Randy!"

And with that, the horse took off running!

Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying
to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the
chase. After a while the man became tired and
stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took
out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog,
who had continued the chase, came back also now
breathless, and sat down beside him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a
horse talk before!"

"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 08:45 PM

Other way around: A respectable family had some plumbers in to take care of some problems, and the little boy listened to their conversation with interest. He repeated some of the words he'd learned, and his mother said indignantly, "Young man, go out and get a switch", to which he replied, "**** you, ma, that's an electrician's job."

*

To make up for that, here is a *pious* joke that will soon be in season:

What did the wise men say to Jesus?
"These are for Christmas *and* your birthday."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:24 PM

I was at the grocery store today, and saw a older lady pushing a grocery cart with a baby in the little seat above her groceries.

"Pretty soon we'll be done, Diploma, and we can go home and I'll give you a nice bath."

"When we get to the checkout, Diploma, I bet we can find a nice piece of candy for you! I bet you'll like that, won't you, Diploma?"

I couldn't resist asking the lady, "That's a beautiful baby, but I'm curious: Why do you call her 'Diploma'?"

She told me, "I sent my daughter to college, and this is what she brought back!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle Phil
Date: 13 Nov 09 - 06:28 PM

A man looks out his window and sees a city worker digging holes along the side of the road. Soon another city worker shows up and begins filling up the holes. And down the road they go, one worker digging holes and the other worker filling them in. The man goes out and asks the workers just what the hell they are doing. They explain, "Oh, the guy who plants the trees called in sick today,"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Nov 09 - 09:15 PM

"Irishman's Wishes"

An Irishman walking along the beach found
a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up,
brushed it off, and out popped a genie.

"Since you have freed me from this bottle, I
will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thought a moment and said,
"I'm feeling a might thirsty. I think I'll wish
for a pint of stout."

And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand.
He drank it down and started to toss the bottle
away, when the genie said, "Look at that bottle
before you throw it away."

He did and watched as it magically refilled itself
with stout.

"That's a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever
you empty it. So what are your other wishes?"

The Irishman grinned. "I'll be taking two more of
these!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Nov 09 - 11:13 PM

An orthodox rabbi's son won a scholarship to Cambridge, but it was only tenable at either Trinity College or Christ's College or Jesus College. "Go to Trinity," his father advised after a few seconds' thought; "none of my congregation will know what it means."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 14 Nov 09 - 02:43 PM

I just got a christmas bonus in my job as a salesman for an ejectoe seat company.....sales went through the roof.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Nov 09 - 08:45 AM

"Breathalyzer"

Following a really good party one night, the hosts
decided to leave he assorted bottles and dregs
until the next morning. As they staggered downstairs
next day, they found their young children finishing off
all that they could find, and looking the worse for
wear.

Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking
them out in the car for some fresh air. A traffic
policeman, seeing the car going round and round the
block for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed
him ... and the meter showed positive.

While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyzer ...
and the meter again showed positive!

"Darn," said the policeman, "another faulty meter!" He
then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and
drove off without another word...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Nov 09 - 02:37 AM

What is the difference between a French letter and a pair of boots?

You can hear a man coming in a pair of boots.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 21 Nov 09 - 12:01 PM

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"
   
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 09 - 01:17 PM

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government
officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "you have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his
wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government officials for over
a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man
found the land, Natives were running it. No taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the
work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day
hunting and fishing, and all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white
man dumb enough to think he could improve system
like that."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 09 - 01:22 PM

"The 21st Century"

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labor - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Clueless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 09:15 AM

"Sage Advice From A Retired Husband"

It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse
than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a
few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both
for extra income and for the health benefits that we
needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,
I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-
cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the
dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For
example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But,
Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two, or even three days. That way, she won't
have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one
of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she
needs more rest periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women
get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Editor's Note:

Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed
up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing,
and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne
was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Young Buchan
Date: 26 Nov 09 - 03:18 AM

Allegedly true story about Lester Piggott.

After winning a race he, whether accidentally or deliberately, forgot to give the usual tip from his winnings to the stable lad who had looked after the winning horse. The following week the lad saw him and said, "Mr Piggott, can I have a quid for that winner last week?" Piggott looked vague and said, "Sorry, son. I can't hear you. You're on my deafest side." The lad went round to his left side and asked, "Mr Piggott, can I have a couple of quid for that winner last week?" Piggott replied, "Sorry, son. Still can't hear you. Try the one quid ear again."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 09 - 07:17 PM

"Marinated"

One evening a man was very impressed with the
meat entree his wife had served. "What did you
marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation
about how much she loves him and how life
wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her
interrupt her answer with a question of her own,
"What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought
you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you
marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and
barbecue sauce."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 05:12 PM

"Office Mornings"

First thing - every single morning - one of the
secretaries in our office opened the newspaper
and read everyone's horoscope aloud.

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a
normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe
in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how
skeptical we Capricorns are."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 10:07 AM

"Zealous Preacher"

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently
came upon a farmer working in his field. Being
concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher,
asked the man,

"Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good
man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his
work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you
a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous
answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones.
You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile
south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking
the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked,
"When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young
preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the
next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping
his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it
to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna
go all three days."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: astro
Date: 02 Dec 09 - 01:13 AM

The doctor was sitting there ready to write a prescription, so he reached into his breast pocket to get his pen when all he found was a rectal thermometer.

"Sh*t!", He exclaimed, "some asshole has my pen"!


A joke told to me by my doctor after we discussed new ways to measure a person's temperature. My doctor demonstrated the new ear sensor that uses infrared to measure temperature. He exclaimed that this was a real boon to doctors, especially for kids, then he told me the joke...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: RangerSteve
Date: 02 Dec 09 - 06:47 PM

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 09 - 03:54 PM

The Thimble (a Parable

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No, sir."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No, sir." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress smiled and replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord -- it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so /that's/ why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of the story: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Signed,
The Women

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Dec 09 - 06:22 AM

Equalities Commission / HSE guidance on 'festive' songs


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose?
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.



RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 10 Dec 09 - 08:55 AM

Whenever a new parson was to be inducted into a church in his diocese, the bishop would take the new parson to a very posh restaurant.

A new parson was duly inducted. The waiter came to the table, and the bishop said

"Two bleeding steaks, please".

The parson was visibly shocked.

The bishop explained that this term was used in the restaurant for very rare steaks.

Some six months later, a curate was appointed to the parson's church, and the parson decided to take the curate to the posh restaurant.

When the waiter came to take the order, the parson said

"Bring us two bleeding steaks, please".

The curate said

"Aye - and bring some fucking chips while you're at it !".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: curmudgeon
Date: 11 Dec 09 - 11:47 AM

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Dec 09 - 01:20 PM

This guy has hit upon a great formula for comedy.

What if the people in music videos simply sang about what was happening in the video?

Literal Videos

Pick a song you recognize: good, bad, whatever.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Young Buchan
Date: 16 Dec 09 - 06:00 PM

When Khruschev became leader of the CPSU he was asked if he would like to use Stalin's old office. He said yes, and was given a key ring holding a large key which opened the door and a much smaller one. Inside the room was a huge wooden desk, covered in papers and with a large number of drawers. He tried all the drawers until he found one that was locked. He remembered the small key and tried it in the lock. Sure enough the drawer opened and inside he found two sealed envelopes, and a letter in Stalin's hand which simply read: In case of emergency, open one envelope.

Everything went well for a while but in 1956 everything started to go wrong: there was unrest in Hungary; the harvests failed; the 5 Year Plan was behind schedule. At a meeting of the Politbureau the other members rounded on him angrily and asked what plans he had. He was about to admit that he had none, when he suddenly remembered Stalin's note, and said, "Comrades, if you will only give me five minutes to check a document, I believe I may be able to find a solution." He rushed back to the office and unlocked the drawer. He took out an envelope and opened it. Inside was a note which said, "Blame it all on me. Signed Joe"

It worked a treat. By the end of the Party Congress his position was unassailable, and remained so for a long time. But by 1964 things were going downhill once more: he had had to back down over Cuba; he had fallen out with China; the harvest had failed again. The Politbureau summoned him, and began to abuse him. But this time he was fully confident. He replied that in five minutes he would return with the solution. He strolled to the office and unlocked the drawer. He took out the remaining envelope and opened it. Inside was a note which said, "Take two envelopes ...."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 09 - 11:35 AM

Washington D.C.'s Nativity Scene

After the Supreme Court ruled that there could be a Nativity Scene on the Capitol Mall if it was multi-denominational, several churches decided to get together and stage the holy scene.

But there were significant problems right from the start!

No, the different churches didn't argue about it, but...

    * No one has been able to find three wise men in the entire Washington D.C. metropolitan area.

    * Worse, they couldn't find a single virgin.

    * However, on the Good News front, they found enough asses to fill several stables....

We will update this story as events warrant.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 09 - 09:42 AM

"Blonde vs Blonde"

This blonde was driving down an old country road
when she spots another blonde in a wheat field
rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the
road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she
stands at the side of the road to watch the woman
for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called
out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing
a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,
"Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.
She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is dumb blondes
like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders
and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself
and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, "If I
could swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 03:48 PM

"Church"

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the
ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling
by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.

Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he
thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's
mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is
Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying
her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear
him, and tried again.

"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be
answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big
breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS
IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS
WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING
TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 01:18 PM

The Night Before Christmas -- for Parents

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And, much thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat,
Let no parts be missing, or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions (concise, but not clear),

With each small part numbered and every slot named,
So that if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about:

Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact,
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact.

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night,
With "assembly required" 'til morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
'Til our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold, and the night it wore thin,
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt."

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!

Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose,
I gratefully went, although I suppose...

There's something to say for those self-deluded:
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:38 AM

"Santa and the FAA"

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from
the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was
shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner
arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled
and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got out his
logbook and made sure all his paperwork was in
order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He
checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear,
and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for the
sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa
got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder
harness, and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise,
a shotgun..

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed
to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine
on takeoff."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 09 - 10:22 AM

"The Twelve Bugs of Christmas"

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Dec 09 - 12:30 PM

Christmas at Rockaway Rest!


                     
    'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
    and all of us seniors were looking our best.
    Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
    Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

    A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
    That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
    We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
    Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

    Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
    Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
    The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
    And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

    The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
    Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
    Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
    Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

    Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
    Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
    The social director then had us play games,
    Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

    Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
    Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
    Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
    In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

    Security lights on the new fallen snow
    Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
    Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
    (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

    A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
    Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
    'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
    He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

    We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
    Our social-security checks had arrived.
    We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
    Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

    And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
    While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
    And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
    'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 08:41 AM

"Bad News, Good News"

The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed
to a member of the British aristocracy who has been
spending much of the summer in his residence in the
south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to
look after the ancestral home.

Dear Sir Royston,

I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say
this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad
news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad
news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is
dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt
no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert,
though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert,
frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.

I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other
horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been
called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would
normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not
been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in
the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother.
As it was, both the tender and your Bentley were written off. No
blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure.

The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in
the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only
due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at
the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she
will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She
has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you.
Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.

I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first
place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the
roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where,
as you know, your Matisse and your Picasso once hung. I say
'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of
these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they
were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.

Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in
fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had
been visiting your insurance agent in prison where he is
serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none
of your insurance policies are valid.

As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire
warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 11:52 AM

Karl Rove got a divorce today. HE requests that his privacy be repected.
no joke






The widow Mrs Alba was afraid to fly but was finally talked into a vacation in the Florida Keys when her kids insisted that getting there was half the fun. At the airport Mrs. Alba was subected to a long a generous cavity search where upon she immediately ran to the ticket booth and yelled "4 more tickets please".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 11:57 AM

sorry my typing is bad ytoday, redact the othher post if possible.



Karl Rove got a divorce today. HE requests that his privacy be respected.
no joke




The widow Mrs Alba was afraid to fly but was finally talked into a vacation in the Florida Keys when her kids insisted that getting there was half the fun. At the airport Mrs. Alba was subjected to a long and generous cavity search where upon she immediately ran to the ticket booth screaming "4 more tickets please!".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 12:45 PM

How to have an enjoyable International flight:

Do not travel alone.
Do not bring liquids or powders or anything in tin foil.
Do not appear nervous or frustrated.
Do not have a thousand yard stare expression.
Do not be seen looking at a map.
Do not say hello to anyone named Jack.
Do not say Yeah man.
Do not discuss that pilots now earn as much as $15,000 a year.
Do not have a name with the consecutive letters AL, AR or MO
Do not wear a tampon.
Do not wear Depends.
Do not use talcum powder.
Do not feel uncomfortable as TSA employees titter and point at your Xray.
Do not go to bathroom on the plane in the final hour of a flight.
Do not use blanket or pillow.
Do not say anything other than thank you to any flight attendent.
Do not say anything other than thank you to a strip cavity search.
Do not take pictures, but smile (only slightly) at all cameras on you.
Do not stare out the plane window.

Do NOT COMPLAIN or ASK for anything (including Orange Juice) even if;
you are on the wrong flight, with a load of poop in your pants from the vaseline strip search, cold as hell because you had to check your bags with your medicine, do not look scared that your cell phone and lap top were left on in your luggage and will catch fire again, see a suspicious guy lighting his underwear on fire (he might just be trying to dry his pants from having peed), appear calm even if your arms and legs go numb, or your in flight snack crawls away on its own.


Do's;


Have a good quiet relaxing time while sitting unmoving with your palms upward and empty, neither staring or appearing tired, in pain or agitated. The airline will assist you by turning down the oxygen to minimal life support levels and allowing exhaust to fill the plane.
Remember the 3 s's
Submit, surrender and sit.

Helpful hint: Appear happy and amused when your luggage is lost.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 02:19 PM

Annonymous lost and found life plan memo:

1 Quit job.
2 Keep all that website money
3 Hire someone to write an autobiography.
4 Hire someone to proof read autobiography.
5 Use money to sue that no good boyfriend of my daughter.
6 Become President.
7 snub that damn muslim terrorist at the innauguration ceremony.
8 Get even with EVERYBODY.

9 repeat 1-4

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Dec 09 - 09:38 PM

Overheard at a sing: "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Dec 09 - 12:43 PM

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa:
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:02 PM

And there you have it, friends! The end of 2009?

See "1st Joke Thread of 2010"