BS: My current favorite joke

Subject: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 07:15 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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A 5th grade teacher wanted to get some background on her students, so she had a question for each of them: What does your Father do for work"?

"Sally, what does your Father do"?
Sally, "He's a mailman"

"Eddie, what does your Father do"?
Eddie, "He's a cop."

It goes around the room until it comes down to "Dirty" Johnnie.

Teacher, "John, what does your Father do"?
Johnnie, "My Father is dead."
Teacher, "I'm so sorry; what did he do before he died"?

Johnnie, "He turned blue and shit himself."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 08:37 AM

Not been told yet today, have you?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 10:38 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:12 AM

Nobody has hollered "cellar"... yet.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: ranger1
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:56 AM

I thought it was funny, Kendall.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:56 AM

Guy walks into a bar and sees a huge jar of ten dollar bills. He asks the bartender what's with the tip jar and is told that it is an ongoing bet. Put ten dollars in the jar, complete three tasks and walk away with all the money - which appeared to a few hundred thousand.
Of course he wants to know what the three tasks are and is told:
First you have to drink down an entire bottle of tequila worm and all without taking a breath or making a face.
Second, you have to go outside where you will find a very nasty bulldog with a bad tooth. Remove the bad tooth.
Last, there is a 100 year old woman upstairs who hasn't had sex in 40 years. Satisfy her and the money is yours.

The guy thinks it over and after a few shots of whiskey it seems doable. So he puts his $10 in the jar, grabs the tequila and downs it worm and all. Although he is ready to choke, he doesn't make a face and so completes the first task.
Then he staggers drunkenly out into the yard where he finds the bulldog. Inside the bar they can hear the growls, yelps, screams of pain until at last the guy walks in, looks around triumphantly and asks "Now where is the old lady with the bad tooth?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:24 PM

"I'm Peanuts" is the punchline. I gotta get the joke to go with it for ya's, or maybe someone else knows it and can post it?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:29 PM

Oh, here's a version:

A priest hears confessions of five boys in a row who confess to throwing peanuts in the lake - the sixth admits, "I'm Peanuts."


The version I heard was at a zoo, with an upset elephant and a number of young men present, laughing.

Zookeeper: "What is YOUR name young man, and what did YOU throw at that elephant?!?!?"

Young men answer, in succession,

"I'm Bill. It was just peanuts."

"I'm Frank. It was just peanuts."

etc etc.

"I'm Peanuts, and I didn't throw nothing!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Jamming With Ollie Beak (inactive)
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:30 PM

A man has invited one of his co-workers to dinner, they arrive at the man's house and he opens the front door, whereupon the man's wife grabs him and kisses him VERY passionately. The guest is taken completely by surprise and reacts with a "whoaaaaa! that's incredible, you must be REALLY in love". The man turns to the guest and says, "no, not really, she just does that to make the dog jealous.

Charlotte Olivia Robertson (Ms)

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: heric
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 01:06 PM

Kids stand up in class and talk about what their fathers do.
Jimmy: Mu Dad's a fireman blah blah blah
Sally: Mine's a doctor blah blah blah
etc.
Sam: "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
Teacher calls the father that night to report the incident. Dad says "Yes, well what was I going to do? Tell him to say I'm a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Micca
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 04:03 PM

Kendall, yours reminds me of
Johnny comes back to school after a days unauthorised absence
Teacher "you were absent yesterday Johnny, why?"
Johnny "my Granddad got burnt"
Teacher "I'm Sorry to hear that, was it badly?"
Johnny "They don't mess about at those Crematoria"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:31 PM

I really prefer conversational humor rather than jokes and if I want a story I prefer a feghoot type of thing.....BUT.......For I suppose about 45 or more years though, this one remains my favorite joke.



So........This guy I knew was planning a trip across the desert and he goes to the Hertz Rent-A-Camel joint and tells them he wants to rent one. The Hertz guy asks if he wants a 7 day or a 14 day camel. Well, the trip is for 16 days and the fellow can't figure out a way to shorten it. After much cajoling, the Hertz guy says, "I'll see what I can do."

He walks over and selects a large 14 day camel and sticks its head in the water trough. As the camel is drinking, he goes into the Hertz Kiosk and returns with two bricks. The camel is almost full and ready to take its last slurp when the Hertz guy walks behind it. Then, with a powerful swing, he claps the 2 bricks together, smashing the camel's nuts in between. The camel goes 'SSLLLLLUUUOOOORRRRPPPSSSSHHH', and sucks up a ton more water. The Hertz guy walks around to the front and says, "There ya' go pal. That oughta' do it."

My traveller friend is appalled. "JESUS CHRIST MAN!!!!!! Doesn't that HURT???"...to which the Hertz guy replies,

"Nah........Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way."



Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 02:50 AM

Hedgehogs ? why can't they just share the hedge ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 03:10 AM

A little kid walking past his parents' bedroom sees his parents having sex. The father yells, "Shut the door!"
The kid slams the door and runs downstairs.
Ten minutes later, when the father's finished he goes downstairs and he hears a noise in the kitchen.
He opens the door and there's the kid banging the grandmother on the kitchen table. The father yells, "What the hell's going on here?"
The looks up and says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GREEN WELLIES
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:11 AM

A doctor at a mental hospital was explaining to a visitor how they decide who to keep in.

'we fill a bath with custard, and offer the patient a choice of a thimble, cup or bucket to empty it'

'easy' says the visitor 'a normal person would use the bucket'

'er, no' says the doctor 'a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like the bed by the window?'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:40 AM

That reminds me of one of my dad's from when we were kids:
The Queen is visiting a 'mental hospital' sees this perfectly normal man working in the garden with a group of obvious patients, 'You must be the gardener' she says, 'No ma'am, there's nothing wrong with me but they won't let me out'. 'I'll have a word' she says.
Later as she is leaving, a plant pot comes flying by, just missing her and a voice shouts 'You won't forget will you?'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:35 AM

A man looking round a monastery sees a bloke in the kitchen making chips, he says to him " I'll bet you're the friar eh " bloke says " no I'm the chipmunk "

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:55 AM

Two, one of which is actually clean.

There was a toad who was bright yellow. Of course, he wanted to be green and brown like the other toads. Yellow was just too conspicuous: he was the target of everything from owls to mountain lions. But one day, hopping through the forest, he met a Fairy Godmother.

"Is there anything you'd like, little yellow toad?" she asked.

"Oh yes. I'd like to be brown and green like the other toads so I wouldn't be the target of every predator in the forest!" he exclaimed.

"So it shall be: abracapukus!" she replied and touched him with her wand.

WHAM! He was brown and green except for his...male organ...which was still bright yellow.

"Ah, I don't mean to complain...." he said, pointing.

"Sorry," she said, "but I don't 'do' those. If you want it changed too you'll have to see the Wizard of Oz."

And the toad hopped off to see the Wizard.

Less than fifteen minutes later a bright purple bear stumbled over the fairy godmother.

"My," she said, "you're a bright purple bear."

"Yes," he replied, "and I hate it. I stand out in the woods and hunters shoot at me. No lady bear will come near me because of that. Could you make me brown like the other bears?"

"Oh, my, yes!" stated the FGM. "Pukusabraphrt!" and the bear turned brown.

Except, of course, for his reproductive organ. THAT was still bright purple.

"Er..." he said, hesitantly, pointing.

"Oh, that! I don't do wangs. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz to have that changed," she said.

"But how do I find him?" asked the bear.

"Easy," said the Fairy Godmother. "Just follow the yellow dick toad."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:02 AM

Picabo Street, the Olympic skier from Idaho, is now a nurse in charge of the Intensive Care Unit at a large metropolitan hospital. She is not, however, allowed to answer the telephone. There was too much trouble when she'd pick up the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 11:16 AM

My favourite for many years has been: Have you heard what happened to the young couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?   All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Kendall
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 02:21 PM

Thats a keeper!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Nick
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:04 PM

EITHER...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands
it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Nick
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:08 PM

OR....

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond."

Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."

Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."

Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."

Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."

Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"

Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?

Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker........"


*****

Sometimes life is better than jokes. I told that joke some years ago in a local pub. About two minutes afterwards a guy who was pretty much universally unpopular but thought himself wonderful came in. A friend asked him casually "Have you got a goldfish, Stuart?" and when he said "No" the place fell apart and I don't think he knows why to this day.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: DonMeixner
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:16 PM

A grasshopper gets tired of the St Pat's Parade so he hops into a bar, up on a stool and orders a pint of guiness with a bump of Paddy's back. The bar tender delivers the drinks and says. "You know we have a drink here named after you?"

The grasshopper says" You have drink named Kevin?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Folkiedave
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:36 PM

During Whitby Folk Week I was approached by a Goth with a clipboard.

"Can I ask you a couple of questions?" Despite the fact I was in a hurry I agreed.

The first one was "Do you believe in re-incarnation?"

I replied "I didn't believe in re-incarnation when I was a hedgehog and I didn't believe in it now".

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 05:59 PM

" "Now where is the old lady with the bad tooth?""

It was funnier 25 years ago when it was in Alaska about a Texan and a polar bear and some non-specific YOUNG woman he was supposed to ravish....




now you see, in THIS version, the bulldog can't have unlimited number of bad teeth for guys to try to pull, nor is it likely that a 100 year old woman would be 1)available or 2)interested in having sex...

anyway, I think.....Hey! Not fair...no tomatoes...I was just trying to improve the humor and........geez......

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 06:11 PM

I thought the same thing, Bill, but I didn't have the heart to go into it all.

This one will test everyone's tolerance for a pitiful joke:

Man walks into his doctor's office. He has a banana stuck in his ear and a carrot up his nose. "Doc," he says, "I haven't been feeling well". "Well, for one thing", the doctor replies...

             "You're not eating right".

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:51 PM

Choice of Two !!

My mate came into the pub looking REALLY miserable ! "Whats up Mate ?" says I !
"My girl has walked out , and taken ALL my Bob Marley collection AND the Satellite Dish!"
BAD News ! No Woman , No Sky !


Or one for the intellectuals !

Rene Descarte goes out for a meal . After the Three Course Dinner the Waiter says " M'sieu Descarte , will you take Cognac?"
Descarte ponders . and says " Cognac ? I Think not!" and vanishes .

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:04 PM

A man has made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He says, "There's really nothing wrong with me, but my friends insisted that I get myself examined. They think I'm crazy because I like pancakes." "Well," says the psychiatrist, "there's certainly nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself." "Do you, really? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Peace
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:19 PM

Two cannibals were talking over dinner and one admitted to the other, " You know, I just don't like my mother-in-law." His friend sympathized, and told him, "So just eat your vegetables."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:09 AM

In a recent conversation with friends, the question arose, what was the first off-colour joke we ever remember having been told? When I remembered the one a dear little innocent girl at my school had told me, it provoked hearty laughter; so here it is — in, as nearly as I can recall over 69 years, her very words:

"This lady goes into a pet shop and sez 'I want a parrot that talks'. The pet shop man sez 'This parrot talks, madam. Ten shillings.' So the lady gives him ten shillings and goes off. Next day she comes back and sez 'That parrot you sold me yesterday doesn't talk.' The pet shop man sez 'Go back home and stick a fork up the parrot's bum.' So the lady goes home and sticks a fork up the parrot's bum, and the parrot sez 'Who's that sticking a fork up my bum?'"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 06:35 AM

Bill; analizing a joke to see why it's funny is like disecting a frog to see why it jumps. You may learn something in the process but it is very hard on the subject.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Ythanside
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:11 PM

It's pretty difficult to beat the late great Les Dawson's classic

one-liner,

'Behind every successful man there's an astonished mother-in-law.'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:50 PM

Well......yes, Kendall...*wry grin*... but I am a bigger 'purist snob' about good humor than I am about 'folk. YOU do enough humor that you know the value of tweaking the exact wording & delivery so that the joke really works.

(Now the one about the old lady who has a complaint about the seat in her outhouse and wants the builder to take a look.....that one is a classic!)

I get so frustrated at jokes/stories that are half-remembered, reassembled quickly with poorly chosen language and delivered with no 'pacing'....And then they get copied & pasted endlessly on the internet/WWW until it is almost impossible to FIND the good original.

(the one Dave Hanson related above about the monastery and the 'fish friar' is in that category....it was originally about 3 times that long and set up the punch line very carefully. I call these "Readers Digest Condensed Jokes")

The story about the "staid lion" and "immortal porpoises" has been butchered so many ways since I heard it 35 years ago that I cringe.

(Also...'some' people never grow out of the 12 year old attitude of constructing a "joke" that is nothing but an excuse to toss in a couple of naughty words.)

Spaw's joke about the camel and the bricks is an unusual mixture of two other jokes I heard years ago, but...it works!....it is well-constructed and 'timed'....and Spaw 'illustrated' it, so that even just reading, it sounds like hearing it 'live'.

(The Rene Descarte story has several other lead in lines, but in this case it makes little difference what René is refusing.....but...Leadfingers..it's René Descartes...☺.)

Several of the jokes on this page are so old, they are classics, and I am amazed that they fall into "my current favorite", but I guess everyone has to hear them for the 1st time sometime)

Now, I will retire and decide what to offer as one of MY current favorites....

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 01:01 PM

hmmm... here's one I rather like....(I found it, but I 'tweaked' a couple of lines and added one)

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. He asked his wife if he could bring her anything. She told him to bring her some iced tea, but knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

"I don't NEED to write it down," he replied. "I can remember iced tea with sugar & lemon!"

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"I told you to write it down", she yelled at him, "See? You forgot the gravy!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 01:11 PM

Bill, you are dead right. Most of the jokes I hear, like the one you mentioned concerning the dog and the old woman are variations and not as funny as the original, but I've learned that most people just can't tell a joke, so ya hafta cut 'em some slack.

You should hear Sinsull tell the one about the guy with the chrome dentures.

Anyway, try this one:

Texas Honeymoon:

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The happy groom approached the front desk to ask for a room. He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?" "No" said the Texan, "I'll just hang onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 01:12 PM


Makes me wonder what he married...

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 01:21 PM

tweaked another one so that it kinda 'feels' right.



A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $20. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The husband says to the farmer, "It's a good thing for us you were nearby, or we might have been there all day"

"Oh, I'm always near," replied the farmer, "I just kinda wait up there on that hill. Someone is always getting stuck. You are the 4th one today"

"You mean you just wait all day? I can see that you make some extra money doing it, but in order to do your regular chores, you must have to work at night!"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I add more water in the hole."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Louie Roy
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 02:24 PM

Rastus posted a sign on the door to his house that he had fourteen inches. Misses Jone was enraged and she went over to confront him.Rastus asked her what she wanted and she replied I heard you had four four for godnes sakes

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 02:39 PM

*sigh*

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: frogprince
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 03:46 PM

That one sort of makes me feel like when I was a kid again; and I really wish it didn't.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Arthur Stiffy
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 04:13 PM

Top 10 jokes at Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

" Comedian Dan Antopolski has won the award for having the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

The one-liner "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" scooped the London joker the title, and prize money, after being picked by a panel of judges.

Comedy critics from TV channel Dave had sat through thousands of jokes at 60 comedy performances to select the best 27, which were then voted for by the public.

The winning joke, which took 18 percent of the vote, comes from Dan's current show 'Silent But Deadly'. Check out the top 10 funniest jokes after the link.
The Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival

1) Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

2) Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"


3) Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." 


4) Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West." 


5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending." 


6) Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." 


7) Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" 


8) Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".


9) Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." 


10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.""

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 05:37 PM

* BEWARE..the humor pedant sneaks in again*

Ummm... most of those are pretty good, but not really 'jokes'. Small children call riddles jokes.

Those 10 prize winners are mostly what is called 'one liners', which are vaguely related to 'zingers'(short, funny remarks..often caustic).

"A joke is a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous. These jokes will normally have a punchline that will end the sentence to make it humorous. "



The reason we HAVE words like joke, riddle, zinger, Spoonerism, one-liner, jibe, shaggy-dog story, limerick...etc., etc... is to differentiate various forms....just as we name different types of music.
Today, most stand-up comedians do mostly a semi-linked set of one liners. Jeff Foxworthy, the 'red-neck' comedian mixes one-liners with some real jokes and some just plain 'outrageous stories'. Red Skelton told a lot of real 'jokes', as did Buddy Hackett.

*humor pedant quickly leaves, dodging zingers as he goes*

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 08:54 PM

This is an old German one.

A man had scarcely been married when he started being jealous of his wife. Even lying next to her in bed, he couldn't sleep for worrying that she might be unfaithful. At length, he fell into a fitful sleep, and dreamed that a fairy came to him and gave him a ring. Wear this ring, said the fairy, never take it off, and you can be sure that your wife will be faithful to you. So he put the ring on; but immediately, it started jerking on his finger as if it were trying to get off. He struggled to keep it on, and finally he awoke, and -- you had better not imagine where his finger was!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Louie Roy
Date: 03 Sep 09 - 10:48 AM

A 75 year old couple were having sex and she said I have winter in my heart and summer in my veins and he said if you don't get some spring in your ass we will be here till fall

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 03 Sep 09 - 07:22 PM

My Brother raised so much hell in school that our Mother went to PTA meetings under an assumed name.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Nick
Date: 03 Sep 09 - 07:34 PM

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 03:24 AM

Joe F - the ring - that was used as a short story in a collection by someone like Bradbury.... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Micca
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 04:32 AM

Ft and Joe F, I am sure the Ring story is in The Decameron (circa 1520) by Boccacio that probably qualifys it as an Old Joke!!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 06:23 AM

Bill D, why don't you give us the full version of the ' friar and chipmunk ' joke.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 07:35 AM

Here's one I like telling kids with their parents listening.
You get the kid laughing at the silliness and the parent laughing out of relief

What do you call a nun on a washing machine?























a Sistermatic


I'll get my coat..............

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 12:07 PM

Ok....(tweaked and actually shortened a bit)

A hiker was traveling in a remote area, and was afraid he was lost. He was about to panic when he came to a small monastery tucked into cliff near a small stream. He knocked at the gate, and a brown-robed monk came out and greeted him.
He explained that he was unsure of directions and needed to get back to where he had left his car at a certain road.

"Oh my," said the monk, "you have taken a wrong turn. I'm afraid you would never get back there before dark. Why don't you come in and dine with us and stay the night, and someone will guide you back to the right trail in the morning."

Well, the hiker was quite willing to accept that offer, and followed the monk inside, where a wonderful odor of cooking greeted him. Soon he was seated at a long table where he was served a wonderful meal of fried fish and potatoes.

Afterward, he said that before he went to bed, he'd like to complement whoever had prepared the meal.

"Well, Brother John here was on duty in the kitchen tonight."

"Then, thank you, Brother John...it was hands down the best fish and chips I have ever had. I want to to give praise for the fine meal. The fish was delicate and perfectly cooked, and the potatoes were wonderfully seasoned!"

"Well thank you for the kind words," replied Brother John, but can't take credit for everything. I am only the Fish Frier, brother Tim over there is the Chip Monk."


so...is that so long that listeners these days will lose interest before the punch line? Or do folks just hate to TYPE when they put it on the WWW?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 12:58 PM

After experiencing some serious side effects that can occur, a friend of mine was forced to give up on all of the erectile dysfunction drugs. He decided to try a more natural solution to his problem and went to an herbalist to see if there were something he might do along those lines. The herbal specialist sent him home with an array of naturally grown produce and herbs with printed instructions on what to do on a file card.

Basically he was to finely chop and then caramelize the Vidalia onion in the hormone free butter, then add the pure apple cider vinegar, tomato puree, dill seed, and ground mustard seed. When the mixture had fully blended he let it cool and then made it into a poltice which he applied to his genitals. He was to apply a fresh poltice every 2 hours until he had 4 applications. The herbalist said it would cure the dysfunction for 2 weeks and then he would repeat the process.

My friend was a bit dubious but willing to try and much to his surprise, it worked! After two treatments that month, he went back to the herbalist for more ingredients, not wanting to risk buying "generic" stuff at the local grocery.   Both of them discussed the great success he'd had and the lack of side effects. My friend stated that wasn't entirely true as he had experienced a bit of a problem. The herbalist was concerned and asked what the side effect was.

"Well," said my friend, "Its not really a big deal, but every time I drive past a McDonald's I get a hard-on."


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 06:35 PM

Foulestrope & Micca: It is quoted by Freud as a German folk tale. I suspect it's been around.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 06:55 AM

... reminded of this by reading above-line thread about childhood heroes:

Man wants to borrow money, goes into bank, sez to teller,"Excuse me, are you the loan arranger?"

"No, sir," the teller replies, "I'm Wyatt Earp."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 08:58 AM

Thanks Bill D, I love it.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 07:25 PM

Two short ones which start the same way...

Two psychiatrists meet on the street...

One says "You're fine. How am I?"



Two psychiatrists meet on the street...

One says, "Good morning!"

The other mumbles,"Hmmm...wonder what he meant by that?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 02:11 AM

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To demonstrate to the possum that it can be done.


A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 02:26 AM

A husband and wife are sitting in their living room after a hearty dinner, reading the paper. Without warning, the husband lets go of a long, satisfying fart. The wife, highly indignant, says, "Excuse yourself!"

"Excuse me," the man mumbles.

"I mean, from the room."

Suddenly a voice emanating from the four walls booms: "Why should I excuse myself? He's the one who farted!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 03:30 AM

Sharon A's above reminds me of —

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flatmate.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 06:31 AM

My 4 yr old grandson,after being told the chicken joke. "Wdid the hedgehog cross the road? To see the chicken"

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 06:41 AM

British military joke, whats the time Sar'nt Major ? ONE, TWO THREE, ONE

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 10:01 PM

Put these two up before, reminded by one above: but seem to have vanished - perhaps didn't click on Submit properly; surely too vanilla to have been deleted for any sort of impropriety!:

1. What is the policeman's address? 999 Letsbee Avenue   [for benefit of Across·Pond friends: 999 is our equivt of your 911]

2. What did the copper say to the three-headed burglar? "'Ullo! 'Ullo! 'Ullo!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Tangledwood
Date: 07 Sep 09 - 05:21 AM

Old Blue was a good dog who lived at the pub on the corner. He was very popular with all the regulars, always greeting them as they entered and escorting them to their favourite stool or table then quietly laying in his favourite corner until it was time to bid farewell to everybody.

After a long and happy life Old Blue passed away, much to the sadness of the publican and the clientel. They had a bit of a discussion concerning the most appropriate way to remember such a wonderful dog and decided that they would keep his tail and hang it on the wall above Blue's favourite resting place.

Old Blue made it as far as The Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter. "Ah Blue," the Saint greeted him, "We've been expecting you but where is your tail? I'm very sorry but you're not allowed into Heaven unless you're physically intact."

Blue explained where his tail had gone but Saint Peter was adamant. "Sorry Blue, you'll have to go back and get it." He instructed.

So Old Blue went back down to the pub and, considerate dog that he was, waited outside until after closing time rather than risk scaring the drinkers. When the last one had left he slipped inside and found his former master who was, as you would expect, very surprised but none-the-less very pleased to see the faithful dog.

"What are you doing here?" he asked whereupon Blue told him what Saint Peter had said and asked for his tail back.

The Publican replied. " I would love to help you of course Blue, but I can't. You know I would loose my licence if I was caught re-tailing spirits after hours."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Sep 09 - 10:37 PM

Another one brought back to me by the 'Childhood heroes' thread:


"Wow, Tonto, look at all those Injuns. We're in trouble."

"What you mean, 'we', Paleface!"


(I tried it, as I know one should, as "Look at all those Native-Americans": but it didn't look right somehow!)

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Sep 09 - 04:33 AM

Shortest joke I know —

[In bass voice]   HELP!

[In treble voice] SHARKS!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 08 Sep 09 - 06:56 AM

policeman's address? 999 Letsbee Avenue
ah! that would be the address of the Eve Ninn Hall.

(the US translation of that would be a house called "Put your hands way in the air BUD! And don't move."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:09 PM

'I heard that after his last balls-up in an England match, he [England goalkeeper David James] tried to commit suicide by throwing himself in front of a bus, but it passed underneath him.'

The above, posted by Backwoodsman on the football thread about the recent England v Croatia match, Well Done England..., has definitely become my current favourite joke.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:42 PM

Hahahaheheheheeeee.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 08:34 PM

Pat, a strapping young Irishman, applied for a job at a construction site. The boss looked at him skeptically. "This is no job for a common laborer," he said. "You have to have the knowledge. You have to know a joist from a girder." "Sure and I have the knowledge," says Pat. "Joist wrote Ulysses, and Girder wrote Faust."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 11:34 PM

We don't seem to have got the one yet about [long·story·short as a girlfriend of mine used to say elliptically] the man with no knowledge of medical or anatomical terms, told by a doctor to take the pills 'per anum', and coming back next week to say "For all the good your pills did me I might as well have stuck them up my arse."

[Oldies definitely the best - now, Michael, let's think - do you maen yourself or the pleasantry, hmm?]

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 02:28 PM

Hee, hee, Mom got told to place her suppositories "one per vagina" which left us wondering, how many vaginas did the pharmacist think she HAD?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 04:39 PM

That reminds me of the innocent man on morning after 1st night of his honeymoon [H0 you don't get many of those these days - what, as we all know, with today's naughty little madams who all ought to be spanked raffling their maidenheads at school at the age of 11 LoL], who, when his wife yawned & raised her hands to her eyes, saw her underarm hair & exclaimed "Oh goody-goody: two more!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 06:40 PM

MtheGM, that has to be the worst joke I've heard in years; I'm ashamed of myself because I can't stop laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 07:11 PM

Old theme, but I just got this today...

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished , Mary asked .. 'How much for that faucet?

' Walt replied , 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed . Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled , 'Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'

Mary replied , 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 07:31 PM

Why, we do our best to please, Frogprince. Thank you. I hope your Princess will be along to kiss you any day now...

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 08:30 PM

MtheGM: So also: Yes, doctor, I took one of those suppositories (is that the word?) every morning just as you said, and for all the good they did me, etc.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 13 Sep 09 - 06:35 AM

In the version of the suppository one I remember the doctors instruction was "Put one in your back passage every morning".
The following week "For all the good---"

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Sep 09 - 10:15 PM

If your husband reads _Playboy_, you may want to consider putting a staple in your navel.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 05:00 AM

Joe F a staple diet then?

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 02:14 PM

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini? 2 in the front and two in the back.

And how do you get 4 rhinoceroses into a Mini? Well, first you take out the elephants...

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 05:00 PM

Elephants... I love it... called my buddy's wife and told her so she could tell Luke... a 7 year old. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Andy Jackson
Date: 15 Sep 09 - 06:52 AM

And how do you get two whales in a mini?










Along the M4 and across the Severn bridge....

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Sep 09 - 08:58 AM

Why do bees hum? Coz they don't know the words.