what do you say when

Subject: what do you say when
From: The Sandman
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 09:38 AM

some drunk picks up your mandolin and starts banging it like a Bodhran.
what would you say /do?

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,Peter Laban
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 09:43 AM

Ok That's enough now you bollix.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: meself
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 09:49 AM

Oh dear!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 09:59 AM

Officer!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 10:05 AM

NURSE! The screens!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Leadfingers
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 10:20 AM

Take it gently from him , put it in its case , then beat seven shades of Sxxxe out of him !!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 11:19 AM

" I say old fellow, don't you think that's a bit thick ? " before killing him.

Dave H

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Folkiedave
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 11:35 AM

Never mind the mandolin, d it when he plays the bodhran too.

Surprised you needed to ask.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Banjiman
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 11:40 AM

At least it's not my banjo........

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: The Sandman
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 12:28 PM

no, it was my mandolin though,he then sat in the corner and tried to use a cardboard box as a bodhran,persistently losing or gaining rhythym.
and then complained that we had no Craic.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 12:35 PM

"hold on mate, you won't get a loud enough drum sound
out of this tiny little mandolin.
But see that posh smug looking knob over there in the neatly pressed white shirt
and designer jeans..
that "Martin" of his would be a much better box for you to bang on....."

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Don Firth
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 12:44 PM

Loom over him.
Gently but firmly take the instrument from him.
Say, "Are you really that tired of living?"
Smile benignly.
Then break both his little fingers.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 01:59 PM

Just giving it a last goodbye.

Don't be so up tight.

You must be good to get the audience so involved.

COME ON ! ! !

IF you treasure your mandolin - put it back in its case and close the lid. Leaving it laying around is an invitation to all sorts of disasters from spilled drinks to fateful foot-falls.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

You could be a nice fellow if you did not whine so much. Don't be a Dick.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 02:06 PM

Seeing as he's such a fun guy, ask if he minds you having a Craic on his head? Actually - enthusing about the instinctive naturalness of body-based percussion, is probably a good way to get drunks to slap themselves about (while imagining their joining in), and preserve your instruments at the same time.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: The Sandman
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 02:35 PM

You could be a nice fellow if you did not whine so much. Don't be a Dick[ quote Gargoyle]
look Gargoyle f#### off,AND keep taking the medication.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 02:45 PM

What DO people do, when non musicians (drunk or sober, though presumably offending parties are usually the former?) just *pick up & start banging away* on their personal stuff?

I had to tap one lady on the shoulder & have a quiet word a while back, as she was busy crawling under the table to grab some chaps drum while he was otherwise engaged - it was quite a posh drum too - or so I was informed.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Tim Leaning
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 06:13 PM

Its a problem in pubs innit?
I try to avoid the situation arising by having my guitar always at an easy reaching distance in its pub prop or in its box.
I know someone with a stage piano who is very wary of this happening to and has a notice attached to it to say it would be polite to ask first.
Violence is only the answer if the borrower is obnoxious.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Tim Leaning
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 06:15 PM

"hold on mate, you won't get a loud enough drum sound
out of this tiny little mandolin.
But see that posh smug looking knob over there in the neatly pressed white shirt
and designer jeans..
that "Martin" of his would be a much better box for you to bang on....."

Lol
I gotta martin but the rest of the description is someone else so I don't feel persecuted.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: paula t
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 06:32 PM

How about something like, "Very good.Now as soon as you give it back to me I'll be able to take my hand from around your throat". Always stress the positive outcome of good behaviour!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 08 Oct 09 - 11:25 AM

"Tell me, sunshine, do you value your bollocks ? If you want to keep them intact give me my fucking mandolin back".

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: alanabit
Date: 08 Oct 09 - 03:31 PM

Rest in Peace (after you have killed him).

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,Jack Murphy
Date: 08 Oct 09 - 04:42 PM

I beleive Mr. Gargoyle's point was, if you value your nice things, put them away. The need to say anything was unnecessary.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: billhudson
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 03:49 PM

1st be nice and get it back as soon as you can.
If there was ever a bar room brawl I would get my ax in the case and put it in some safe space and that space was off limits.
I knew a friend that let a drunk play his guitar and the guy broke the neck right off...not good.
Rule #147 do not let people you think are drunk or don't know what they are doing play your ax.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 06:05 PM

I have in the past said "There are three people on this planet who are allowed to touch, pick up or play my guitar. You ain't one of 'em."

I don't feel bad about that because it's true.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: sing4peace
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 06:23 PM

I don't leave my precious things about either. I'm with Gargoyle here. Head the conflict off at the pass. Preemptive property protection. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure (or a pounding of the offending mandolin mauler).

JK

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 10 Oct 09 - 03:04 AM

Cut off his head and throw it in his face!
Don't let people even touch your ax, unless they ask first...
..then again, if they do, grab him by the John Thomas, swing him around in the air, above your head, while singing 'Kumbaya', and let go of him, when you get the momentum, to make him fly through the window, and hit the street, in front of an on coming truck....then check to see if your instrument is still in tune......

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 10 Oct 09 - 03:24 AM

Happened to me last Saturday. A fairly amiable guy, (Long blonde hair, bikers leathers etc), asked if he could have a go on the concertina...(And he was only slightly drunk!).
With a smile I replied, Yes of course you can play with my 90 year old irreplaceable instrument, as long as I can play with your 90 year old Grandmother in return...Is she arriving soon? Problem solved!

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: SharonA
Date: 10 Oct 09 - 09:41 PM

This is a major reason why I don't play gigs at bars anymore.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 11 Oct 09 - 01:50 AM

Dick - here's what I posted to a similar thread in 2006:

At a session, I'll lend my guitar to anybody who asks as long as he isn't visibly drunk, and I'm there watching. I will take it away immediately if the player - drunk or sober - uses it as a percussion instrument.
This happened last summer at a session in Hoban's pub in Westport, Co. Mayo. A young fella asked if he could borrow my guitar, I said 'Sure,' and handed it over. Well, he started battering the lower bout in between chording (which he appeared to do quite well) and he had a handful of rings, which made it sound like a snare drum.
I instantly put my hand around the neck in mid-strum, and said 'It's a guitar, not a drum.' and took it off him.
He was miffed, but the session players applauded me, so he left in a huff.

Seamus

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 11 Oct 09 - 07:21 AM

So what did you actually say? Did it work?

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: The Sandman
Date: 11 Oct 09 - 03:47 PM

a strangled NO,and I grabbed it back.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 11 Oct 09 - 07:55 PM

L'esprit de l'escalier. You'd be better equipped now. Or maybe not. The last couple of times I've been unreasonably hassled, all sparkloing wit and repartee eluded me, and I spluttered,'f**k off'.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Oct 09 - 08:27 PM

Good Soldier Schweik-

Well, good for you but what about his poor widow and all the fatherless children?

Don-

I'm shocked that you would make such a suggestion.

Seasoned folkies generally ask first, if they want to borrow an instrument, and are generally respectful if the request is declined. I'm not sure what I would do if a stranger picked up one of my instruments but I'll think about it.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 12:53 AM

We'll go your bail, Charley.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: M.Ted
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 01:32 AM

I had one instrument destroyed and another significantly damaged at a music camp--both had been in an instrument room where I'd been led to believe they'd be safe.

The damaged instrument had been grabbed by an eager non-musician when someone asked for a guitar--I tracked it down and unceremoniously took it back, which ended an impromptu jam session.

I have no idea what happened to the other one--when I retrieved it from the instrument room, the case rattled, and when I opened it, I found that the instrument had been smashed into small pieces. That was the last time I went to music camp.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Hrothgar
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 02:10 AM

Um, don't leave it where idiots can get at it?

Bearing in mind, of course, that the world is full of idiots, and nobody is exempt from meeting them.

God loves idiots - that's why he made so many of them.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 06:54 AM

its all Gods fault.

Subject: RE: what do you say when
From: Bernard
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 12:18 PM

If it's a gig I would be annoyed if someone I didn't know asked if they could borrow an instrument I'm the to earn money with.

People I know fall into two categories - the ones I would happily lend an instrument to, and those who I definitely would not.

If it's a session or singaround... well, I have a cheap guitar and mandolin people are welcome to borrow because they are of no significant value, and no-one ever asks to borrow my accordion!