Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???

Subject: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 08:00 PM

Last month I posted about having one of my own song come back and haunt me after 15 years of not thinking about it and someone suggested that maybe I wasn't happy with it... I've pondered that and maybe that's it so I'm sharing the lyrics with ya'll with the *culprit* verse...

From the late 80's...

                      "Stone School House"

In the gap of Short Hill Mountain
'Neath the old oak tree
Out back the old school house
Thick with memories

Yeah, me and Clarkie fought it out there
But the blood bound us tight
I was the first he called
When his son was born that cold December night

There's a ball field out back that that school
Where the district championship was played
When Rog Frye picked off that Luckett's boy
It was our game, that kid should have stayed

Messed up big, my mom's old Ford
Grill and headlights busted out
Scared to take it home that night
Hid out behind that old school house

Me and Iva were parkin'
'Hind that school one moon filled night
Sargent Potter rappin' on the window
Little Iva 'bout died of fright
Little Iva about died of fright

****************CULPRIT VERSE**************

My son, he's got the questions
One night we sat 'neath that old oak tree
Out back that stone school house
We talked to half past three

***********END OF CULPRIT VERSE************

Repeat 1st verse

-----------------The End-------------------

This song is 100% autobiographical and I need the culprit verse's message but not the wording...

As per usual when I ask for help, all ideas are welcome... I might not use yours but then again I might... I have been giving some thought to seriously re-recording some of my older folk songs and I always liked this song even though I never performed it...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Genie
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 08:47 PM

See PM, Bobert. Dunno if my rewording helps at all (prob'ly not), but I couldn't figure out what you wanted to say in that verse beyond what you wrote.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: KT
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 09:57 PM

'nuther PM Beaubear!

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 10:05 PM

Lovin' 'um... Couple of different takes 'n both working on my head...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Genie
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 10:32 PM

Tha's good, Bobert.   We wants to git yer own haid workin' hard, or at least workin' musical!

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Genie
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 10:36 PM

More in PM

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Genie
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 10:36 PM

What the heck was your mind thinkin', son
When we sat 'neath the old knowin' tree?
That old school house heard what we shared
Till the clock stuck past three.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 10:40 PM

The verse is about a 13 year old wanting to know the "facts of life"... Like the birds and the bees...

Thanks all...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 02:01 AM

My son, he's got the questions
One night we sat 'neath that old oak tree
Out back that stone school house
We talked to half past three

My son, can't answer a simple question,
Beggin' people to do his homework on Mudcat,
Expectin' an entitled handout,
Must be a stoned Democrat!


Autobiographical enough?

Culprit from Sanity

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 07:06 AM

LOL...

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 08:16 AM

My son, he's got the questions
We talked to half past three
here is where your tell him what to do
Out back that stone school house

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 09:36 AM

Doesn't rhyme...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: maeve
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 09:49 AM

Once you have a sense of the meaning you want, Bobert, you can look at the rhyme pattern. It varies from verse to verse in the present form.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 09:52 AM

Sorry, I thought you said that you needed the message not the wording.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:02 AM

2nd and 4th lines rhyme in each verse... That's what needs to happen for the song to work as I sing it...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: maeve
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:05 AM

That observation was in reference the culprit verse and #4, by the way.

My son, he's got some questions.
We sat beneath that same oak tree
There behind the old school house,
I told him how he came to be.

You might think about the spoken rhythm of the verses, too. 'Course they don't need to be cookie-cutter perfect, but it may be that in playing with wording you'll find other solutions for the problem verse.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:10 AM

My son, was asking questions
We talked to half past three
I told him exactly what to do
Beneath that Old Oak Tree

It would be much better though if YOU made the rhyme 'cos it's your song.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: GUEST,henryp
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:13 AM

My son, he's growing up fast
We sat under that old oak tree
One night out back that stone school house
And talked to half past three

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:27 AM

Me likes all 3....

Thanks... I think we're getting close... Maybe there...

Thanks again, all...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Jeri
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 10:56 AM

Don't know what that means, but I was gonna offer:

My son was asking questions
As we sat 'neath that old oak tree
Out back that stone school house
We talked to half past three

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 11:00 AM

I'm really glad you received that, in the spirit it was posted, Bobert. I, myself kept cracking up after re-reading it!

GfS

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: deepdoc1
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 11:42 AM

My son, he's got the questions
One night we sat 'neath that old oak tree
Out back that stone school house
We talked to half past three
=====================
One night we sat 'neath that old oak tree
Out back that stone school house
My son, he's got big questions
We talked to half past three
=====================

Very nice story in this song. Would love to hear it.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Crowhugger
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 11:52 AM

Put the culprit verse first. Could repeat it at end, or add a verse to wrap up and tell the listener whether the chat ended with being closer with son or more distant.

FWIW.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: maeve
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 12:04 PM

Oh, very nice, Crowhugger.

And...what Jeri said.

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: Bobert
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 07:46 PM

My head is spinning with all the great suggestions and now I need to just go thru them again, make notes and try some stuff...

And thanks, deepdoc1... I always thought the song had some potential but I guess this one verse bugged me so after I initially recorded it I just put it on a back shelf where it has been for the last 20 or so years... I do have the original recording, however, but haven't listened to it probably since around when I wrote and recorded it...

But a MONSTER THANK YOU to everyone, including the very loonie GFinS for the chuckle... Even crazy people can be funny...

B~

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 07:50 PM

Bobert: "My head is spinning with ......."

Say no more...I was RIGHT!

GfS

Subject: RE: Help Fix My Song... Songwriters???
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 01:13 AM

My son got a case of The Questions
or
My son got a bad case of What'sHerName

(Just an idea or two...)