BS: Militant atheism has become a religion

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 08:31 PM

I doubt a medallion of our doubting Thomas yanking the plank will sell though.

Oi, I've invested a lot in this, and pitching it at at £1.49 delivery inc. is bound to make it attractive. We can't lose here. We either sell a ton and make a fortune, or we sell very few and the bloody thing becomes a collector's item meaning that we can sell our stock off at vastly inflated prices. I did get this bastard thru' Dragon's friggin' Den, fer chrissake. Concerened managed to make them at a unit cost of 20p each, you know, once he'd nicked the brass from an accordion reed-making factory, and I managed to dupe him into thinking that the 50p per hour I was paying him was a damn sight higher than what he'd get in Poundland.

Apple sauce - add celery to the list and I will try not to veto your proclamation.

You're not trying to eat that Tesco Moroccan shit, are you? We need a compromise here. We don't ban celery but we decree that it must be used only in making chicken stock. Yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 06:43 PM

""They've gotten considerably farther than that at my house... ;-) But you can't expect me to reveal everything.""

LH please don't! The very thought makes me quite queasy.

:-)LOL

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 06:18 PM

1300!

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans blood of the Messiah
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 05:44 PM

Here! We were about to be disenfranchised. .. or at least about to fall off the end of the BS list.

Whilst this desperate post prevents it, it does prophetically show the way forward for all religions I suppose. You have to keep crowing if you want to remain relevant.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Musket
Date: 17 Jul 13 - 05:29 AM

Anybody with a bank account can join, so long as they fill in the gift aid box, allowing us to get their tax relief on their donation.

Mind you, most of the women we have attracted thus far haven't been the sort to have bank accounts as such. A cash card with a savings book maybe, but no debit cards, or pay monthly phones...

Do you think we should be attracting air head actresses? The Yanks manage it. Their religions, especially scientology, seem to pack 'em in. I doubt a medallion of our doubting Thomas yanking the plank will sell though.

Apple sauce - add celery to the list and I will try not to veto your proclamation.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 08:14 PM

How about we include a diet club in our religion?

Uncannily, Dave, you almost read my mind there (impossible, obviously, so let's just say "coincidence", shall we?). I am in the latter stages of instituting a set of dietary rules. After all, the British Israelites don't allow their followers to eat anything from a pig (filthy animals), or mushrooms (they digest and absorb shit), filter-feeding seafood such as prawns (too undiscriminating about what they suck in) or strawberries (because they bear seeds on the outside of the fruit - they don't, actually, as the fruit is the little pips on the outside, not the big juicy bit, but don't tell the wankers that). But don't worry. I am the Messiah and it just happens that I like all food except for apple sauce, which is the sour slop of the divil himself. Therefore I am issuing a dictat that apple sauce may not be consumed between three and four a.m. on a Friday and that raccoon flesh is taboo unless the beast was killed strictly according to Regulation 472 sub-paragraph 10 section 1.5 on page 1376 of Shaw's Atheology Volume The First. Unless it's Tuesday. I know these regulations may seem heavy-handed to some and complicated to follow but I do feel that followers of the New Truth must pledge to make these onerous sacrifices in order to demonstrate their allegiance (we need their money as well, so no benefit claimants please). And buy our new medallion depicting Wacko walking the plank (or is it yanking the plank), obtainable on eBay with free delivery for £1.49 VAT inc. (thanks for that, concerened: we know who you are!)

What's our thinking on women without bank accounts?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 06:54 PM

They've gotten considerably farther than that at my house... ;-) But you can't expect me to reveal everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 06:26 PM

On that subject, I heard about this Jehovah Witness chappy who knocked on a front door.

A man came to door and immediately invited him in, took him into the living room and seated him in the best armchair.

Then he fetched a tray of tea and biscuits and poured a cup.

Settling himself in the chair opposite, he said "Now, what was it you wanted to say?"

"Fucked if I know", answered the JW! "I never got this far before!"

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 06:17 PM

Pretty sure that Christians don't hold the monopoly on daft ideas, Don. For a start the old testament is common to Jews, Christians and Moslems and as a work of fantasy that probably beats the lot. Except maybe the book of Mormon! I think our Messiahs here are perfectly entitled to use the OT as much as anyone, steal whatever ideas they want from other religions and put our own version of Holy days in to replace all the others :-)

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 06:08 PM

""So, if something good happens, they claim the credit. If something bad happens, you just say it is for the good of the majority or it is punishment for not giving enough money. Cracked it!""

Too late mate! The Christians have already cornered the market on that front.

That's why the Church of England owna about a third of the land in the UK.

And still they beg for donations and fundraising to fix the church roof. Sometimes I think it's them wot nicked the lead in the first place.

Don T.

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 12:44 PM

'ere, Messiahs, I have an idea. Well, I suppose it is divine inspiration really but you know what I mean. Of course. On another thread people are using the phrase 'self obsessed idiot'. I thought aloud that if we were to become self absorbing we would eventually disappear altogether but they did not seem keen. How about we include a diet club in our religion? They make fortunes. Imagine how many people would join if all they had to do was talk bollocks to become self absorbing. Whatcher think? Got to be better than bingo surely!

On the subject of omniscience and omnipotence, I think you a missing a trick. Some of the other Gods tell their followers that whatever happens it is their doing. So, if something good happens, they claim the credit. If something bad happens, you just say it is for the good of the majority or it is punishment for not giving enough money. Cracked it!

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket par for the course
Date: 16 Jul 13 - 05:46 AM

The prophet David Jones will engineer the winning of the premier league silly! Using manna from heaven (dodgy money from Mandaric.) Although I am sure that after the first rapture (promotion from the championship) the demigod Mandaric will drop him like a ton of spuds and fetch his co defendent Harry Rednapp in.

Can I take this opportunity to remind parishioners that the next church service will be held at 3.00 pm on Saturday 3 August away at QPR.

Grace and peace.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 07:21 PM

Of course Messiahs S&M will ALWAYS know.

Why naturally, but we prefer to maintain a hands-off, "let-it-happen" style approach. We tend to just let the universe get on with it, avoiding intervention (except for when Swollox poisoned two hundred bingo players with infected turds). Just watch over the next year how all-wise we are. For example, Sheffield Wednesday would, you'd think, given Musket's sycophantic support, be winning the Premier League within a couple of years. But will Musket engineer that? Why, of course not!

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 11:05 AM

I never deliberately post except as a member using my own moniker.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 11:03 AM

For the terminally confused, I was using my wife's PC and forgot to change the cookie, while Spybot was wading through 40 Gb of files and programs in search of malware on my PC.

So Poetry Bird, on this occasion, was me.

You could, since she is a member, have checked that she is independent of my account.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 07:24 AM

Is this Don Wyziwyg T or Don Poetry Bird T? Or are they the same? It's going to get very confusing for us mere mortals if we have to guess which persona others are posting as. Of course Messiahs S&M will ALWAYS know.

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 07:14 AM

""There is further guidance on this invaluable technique on page 1348 of "Shaw's Atheology: Volume The First".""

And you cannot gainsay that guidance, because "Shaw's Atheology" is the inerrant word of.........er.........um......NOBODY!

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 07:09 AM

""Could be. There's some interesting stuff in the Gospel of Thomas.""

D'ye really think so LH?

I have some doubts about him.

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 06:02 AM

Up the Owls?

Sounds like a REAL perversion :-)

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

(Sure I just posted something similar. Wonder If I told the ladies knitting circle?)

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans bingo calling
Date: 15 Jul 13 - 04:56 AM

Does she carry wet wipes? No but she carries a mattress on her back in case she sees anyone she knows.

You deal with reality and leave the metaphysical to me.   I am qualified having never had religion rammed down my throat when younger. No hangups leads to no limits.

Keep the faith!

Up the Owls!

Sorry, getting a bit carried away there....

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 07:26 PM

Are we using Lil or what?   I have given first refusal to Back entry Bertha if you have something against Fylde area residents.

I said yes, diddleye, though if things go to cock you are the Messiah who will have to come up with the usual circuitous arguments that make black seem white in order to get yourself off the hook (off the hooker?? :-)) There is further guidance on this invaluable technique on page 1348 of "Shaw's Atheology: Volume The First". This Bertha though. "Back Entry", eh? Does she carry wet-wipes?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 07:16 PM

They seem to be writing in tongues. Minor miracle or too much beer at the keyboard?

Struggle on, Wacko. Jealousy resulting from your lack of wit, leading to buttock-clenchingly embarrassing inputs such as this, looks pathetic. Our bubble is unburstable by utter pricks like you. We'll consider you for junior altar-boy status, but you'll have to pass an exam first. Are you the right gender?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 07:09 PM

"Challenge the ossified, archaic systems of belief typical of Musket's highly questionable faith regime..."

Twat! That is my friggin' regime you're talking about! Musket and I may now be equal co-Messiahs but the "interesting idea" was mine, pillock! Musket, this man (or woman - Widnes knows...) must not be allowed in at anything but the lowest level. Maybe an altar boy who, conveniently, goes commando at Mass and who has a couple of baby-wipes in a plastic bag...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 06:04 PM

Could be. There's some interesting stuff in the Gospel of Thomas.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Blandiver
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 05:53 PM

Here on The Fylde we cherish both tongues & corruption as an integral aspect of The Messianic Revolutionary Dialectic. I think Christ knew as much when he said 'Be passers-by.' (Gospel of Thomas 42).

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 04:26 PM

They seem to be writing in tongues. Minor miracle or too much beer at the keyboard?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 04:19 PM

Ebbie - "Sheesh. Can't believe that I'm tired of this new religion already."

Do what Jesus did, Ebbie. Challenge the ossified, archaic systems of belief typical of Musket's highly questionable faith regime with a fresh new approach that horrifies the greybeards of the Old Order and makes them quiver in their little booties! Expose the graft and corruption in Fylde! Drive out the moneylenders from the pubs and public gathering places! Reveal the hypocrites in high places as nothing more than whitewashed tombs full of hypocrisy, dead ideas, and empty rituals (such as playing darts and watching the football games)! ;-D In a short time you will have either launched a brand new religion of your own...or you'll be hounded to your death by a mob of the faithful...or both.

In which case, you never know, you might be a household name a couple of thousand years hence, more famous than Justin Bieber...and much more longlasting.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket getting nostalgic
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 01:44 PM

Aye. Well we were more fortunate. My Aunty had a boarding house in Blackpool. Lord St I reckon. I used to go to the North Shore boating lake catching crabs.   Years later I went to bars down the south pier area, catching crabs.

Some things don't change.

Knott End. Mather has form in that place but Musket is keeping his trap shut. Are we using Lil or what?   I have given first refusal to Back entry Bertha if you have something against Fylde area residents. Bertha is a Shropshire lass, born just outside Wedlock.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 01:20 PM

I believe that the ferryman of the Knott End ferry was the last person to be tried for piracy. He was in dispute with someone and, apparently, moored the ferry in the middle of the sea lane to prove his point. Of course I could be talking...

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 07:10 AM

I'm getting this increasing feeling that Knott End shall become our quasi-Mecca. As long as we don't go near Cleveleys, as I had more than enough of it thank you very much every soddin' August of my childhood when we stayed in Mrs Flannelfoot's grim boarding house. Just up from the Oldham And Cleveleys Used Car Show it was. Musket knows why we kept going back there. If you could get one afternoon in huddled behind a breakwater out of the wind you'd put "lovely weather here" on all your postcards. I wonder if that greasy spoon's still there where I developed my lifelong addiction to Horlicks. I daren't buy it, as late at night I'm prone to shovelling the dry powder down me gullet.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Blandiver
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 06:24 AM

If I were the Messiah, there'd be no need of causeway or ferry (much less the dreaded Tidal Barrage which is second only to Canatxx* & Joey Blower's Hotel in the the local controversy stakes). No indeed, I would simply walk across Canshe Hole from Fleetwood to Knott End, and back again, no doubt in the vain search for fishermen worthy of becoming fishers of men. I might make it was far as Skippool Creek, which I was told used to be known locally as Galilee - but only at high tide. Might take a toddle down there ourselves later today for a pint in the Thornton Lodge.

* Or whatever it is they're calling themselves now.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 05:52 AM

Hmm. Dunno really, but as you're a Messiah and we're supposed to believe in you maybe we'd better run with this one. But be warned: pick the wrong woman again and we'll be up Skippool Creek without a paddle...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sanctimonious as a sailor
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 03:22 AM

Keep the faith Ebbie.

Look Steve, I had just got the ferry over from Fleetwood, had a jar or few in The Bourne Arms and the fecking ferry had finished for the day.   The landlord was expecting me to settle my tab so out through the bogs window and over to the club. Lil was sat there, looking pretty                   wrecked and any port in a storm and all that. She asked if I fancied her so I mentioned my initial positive thought that she didn't sweat much for a fat lass. That's it really.   I promised her salvation and minimum wage. Who wouldn't fall for that? You'd have to walk to Preesall to get a better deal.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Ebbie
Date: 14 Jul 13 - 01:56 AM

Sheesh. Can't believe that I'm tired of this new religion already.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 08:35 PM

Knott End? Why, the last time I caught the ferry to Knott End it cost me sixpence! Id est, a tanner! Had I been the Messiah in those days I'd have built a causeway across. Or created one, even. OK, so this "Lil" of yours is an alleged Lancashire lass. But does she wear Primark knickers (8-pack versions for five quid - I love 'em...), and does she use bog roll or her bare hand? Don't get me wrong on this one: I'm not the suspicious type, but after the mass food-poisoning Swollox outbreak (aka the unintentional consumption of raw infected shite by 200 people in a bingo hall) one does have to delve a little into one's preferred person's credentials innit.

As for Hull, as I understand things you have far fewer "women" than you think. The last person I spoke to who had been to Hull (an ex-Tory MP just released from jail), Hull is a place where the men are men and so are three-quarters of the women. A bit like wherever Wacko lives, really, only in reverse.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket scouring the North
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 12:50 PM

Hull? All bonny lasses there. No. Your end of The Pennines. Picked her up (off the floor) in Knott End Working Men's Club.






Poetic location.   The only place I had someone die on me. To think the last thing she ever heard was me singing Brown Eyed Girl.......   mind you, as clubs go, not the best last view of the world either.

On that subject. How are we to deal with funerals? I suggest a booze up followed by biodegradable bag and a tree stuck up the arse. My mate wanted that and having found a garden of rest that did eco funerals, we sent him off in style.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 10:31 AM

It certainly is. And, if I may just for a sec be as politically incorrect as I've ever dared to be not in a PM, do you suppose that videos which include lesbians "at it" might attract sex-starved ex-Christians? Not priests, of course, as they're not sex-starved.

My one doubt about you is these women you're digging up. Is this Lil from Hull as well? We can't completely sideline hygiene, you understand. Can't we have something more of a quasi-Mary Magdalene figure? She had, after all, the excellent attributes of knowing that she, as a mere woman, was thoroughly unworthy - and she washed blokes' feet...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket getting his tuppence worth
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 09:14 AM

So long as I can watch, what about them? I promise to sit (relatively) still in the corner quietly with a flask, butties and Kleenex.

Joe. Don't fret about the dog. He is now quietly relaxed since I told him the great mutts nuts dude in the sky gives them back to little greyhounds that have been good, haven't shat on the kitchen floor and who eats all his chow after being given a gravy bone for being good.

Steve. On another thread, your mate Whacko showed that he is too insecure to put up with the trauma of being our token woman. Any other ideas? You really upset Betty Swollox but I know she has this mate, fag ash Lil. Any problem with that? I have it on good authority she is house trained.

Our new religion really is the dog's bollocks.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 08:35 AM

Regarding gays. See women.

An absolute masterstroke of sexism laced with prejudice, exactly what we're all about!


So what about gay women then? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Joe Offer
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 05:20 AM

A canine eunuch?

I thought that sort of treatment, applied only to choirboys...

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 05:18 AM

Joe,

I thought you an animal lover. Have you no sympathy for Musket's ballless dog? The reluctant prophet of this proto-religion?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Joe Offer
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 04:47 AM

I rather like the tack this thread has taken. But now that we've reached a thousand posts, nobody gets credit for nothing until we reach 2,500.

Carry on.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans Clapton
Date: 13 Jul 13 - 03:50 AM

But Lancashire doesn't exist!   

Does it? I thought religions had to originate in the known world and never acknowledge other areas until we set up missions to get our hands on their souls and worldly goods?

Regarding gays. See women. If we are to convert any of those Christian heretics we need an environment they are comfortable with.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 09:52 PM

It was only the thought of Theresa O'Flanagan showing her gym knickers behind the bike shed that brought me round!

Good Catholic name! Trouble is, in all my years (which are, of course, without number), I never once met a Catholic girl who bothered with knickers at all. "Cut to the Chase" was their motto! No scope for gay fellows there then!

That reminds me, chaps. Have we got a position on gays? I kind of love gayness myself, though clearly (like all self-respecting Messiahs), I need to distance meself from such vile gay depravity. I'm a bit confused though. There was this bloke in Crewe....

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 08:30 PM

Ye gods, or should I say ye you, Messiah S. You gave me a funny turn there! I had a flashback to St Mary's, Swinton, c1960

Who made you?
God made me
Why did God make you
To know him, love him and serve him

Oh my Musket! St Mary's, Swinton, 1960-ish? Why, in 1960 I was nine years old (or nine years into eternal life as it happens) and attending St Mary's Catholic primary school in Radcliffe!! Well shag me sideways with a bent banana, what a coincidence! You have given me a bit of a funny turn also! All I can say is, thank Me that we're Lancashire lads, unlike Musket, who appears to hail from t'wrong side of t'Pennine chain. Poor sod. No wonder the friggin' bingo was a failure. Do you think Swollox was from Hull?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 10:13 AM

Ye gods, or should I say ye you, Messiah S. You gave me a funny turn there! I had a flashback to St Mary's, Swinton, c1960

Who made you?
God made me
Why did God make you
To know him, love him and serve him

I had to go and have a lie down for a couple of hours. It was only the thought of Theresa O'Flanagan showing her gym knickers behind the bike shed that brought me round!

Note in Toerag - If Godly thoughts bother thee, replace them with Earthly perversions :-)

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 05:58 AM

This side-discussion is redundant, as our new New Truth religion is the dog's bollocks in any case. This and other matters will be clarified in "Balllightology" - oops, sorry, "Shaw's Atheology Volume The First" - and, in condensed form, in the new Catechism, which is making good progress. The first Q&A in it goes:

"Who made me?"

"I don't give a shit. Mine's a pint."

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket grateful for that
Date: 12 Jul 13 - 03:51 AM

Prosthetic balls for dogs? Wow, you truly do live in the land of the free. No wonder you weren't worried about being kicked out of Canada.

At a high enough level etc.   Arthur C Clarke got it right.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 11 Jul 13 - 10:14 PM

Tell him to pray for this.

At a high enough level there is no difference between magic and technology

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,g angry with his phone keyboard
Date: 11 Jul 13 - 04:58 PM

The dog weeps because you insisted on me telling him he has no balls. His delusion has now been shattered and his life is empty with nothing to lick.

His religion really screwed him up. Poor hound.

Salvation around the corner though. I told him if he prayed enough they would grow back. Then I might introduce him to that poodle up the road. Better to stick it up a bitch than spill it on his beanbag, according to Steve' s gospel.

He is laid staring at me. He can obviously read my mind as he is giving me a mucky look, in the way only greyhounds can.