BS: Militant atheism has become a religion

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans bingo calling
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 06:28 PM

Less than 48 hours to your calling Dave.

Br brave.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 04:03 PM

Page 24! Do I get a prize or 100 years off my time in purgatory or something?

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 01:06 PM

Damn! I have an accordion practice on Weds. Could I combine the two? May be entertaining...

I believe they do a good deal on frankincense out east. Just find three blokes on camels and follow them home.

BTW - We have our first stalker! - here. Well, sort of. Who would have thought that bicycles would generate such passion. Maybe we should offer salvation to those whom cycle on the pavement?

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jul 13 - 10:33 AM

I'll deal with love in Commandment 14 section A subsection 4(ii), but money is far more important right now. This is about getting suckers' arses on pews, or on plastic chairs in bingo halls, and cultivating a grand delusion that we can pass off as The New Truth (details are in "Shaw's Atheology - Volume The First"). Do maintain focus, people. Dave, you're calling on Wednesday night, did Musket tell you? Does anyone know where I can get frankincense?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Ebbie
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 03:14 PM

"Every new church is supposed to be an improvement on the old church, but they always fill the pews with the same old people." Guest/Stim

I can explain that- as you know, any being that learns to love can love more. In other words, a dog that loves a human being is primed to love other humans. A child that loves his mama can love others.

See?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 02:47 PM

It's amazing what vulnerable people will swallow

You talking about the Catlicks again?

Hehehehe.

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans large crowds
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 02:32 PM

Is that why you are not resident in Sanity at present Goofus? Too crowded for you to stand out?

I am apparently a dirty rotten stinking capitalist so I can be trusted to look after the money.

The shallow buggers who can't handle the idea of not having their delusion means you must have a different delusion have gone quiet lately.

Possibly thought about their stance and feel embarrassed......




Adnams Brewery in Southwold. We will claim it in the same way other religions claim parts of Jerusalem. Sorted.

Do you think, judging by other threads, that we should cash in on the rapture scam? It's amazing what vulnerable people will swallow if you say it with a straight face.....

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 01:55 PM

Never underestimate the power of a lot of stupid people in large crowds!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 01:34 PM

Hello oh mighty ones, I'm back. Been north of the border on a fact finding, beer tasting and talking bollocks, whoops, sorry, praying, mission. Did I miss anything good? Canst thou cast thy thoughts in my direction and open mine eyes to thy divine wisdom?

In the meanwhile I can report that there is no point in recruiting anywhere above Hadrian's wall. They are all heathens anyway. The only ones who may benefit from thy intervention would be the ones who worship the green and white hoops and kick seven shades out of those whom wear the royal blue. They may well be very useful in the getting people into our church/breweries, whether they want to go or not. Mmmm. On second thoughts though after an hour in close proximity to a brewery they may well not be up to thy divine standards. Or they may exceed them? I shall leave it to your munificent selves.

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 09:54 AM

I'm not sure whether I meant rosary beads or Rosemary's beard there...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 09:52 AM

Musket, even though we're all-powerful and all that I feel we're having to do everything. We need recruits. OK, we have Dave on the miracles, Betty Swollox on the washing up and concerened on the medallion (though the bugger's gone a bit quiet. You don't think he's doing Glastonbury, do you...?). We need bar staff and someone to frisk potential converts coming to our events for smuggled rosary beards. I need a proof reader for my Atheology tome and somebody with storage for the scrolls. And someone to handle the money. Do you know anyone honest?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 09:24 AM

I see what you mean about the bingo. The "eyes down and look in(ward)" bit has obvious echoes of big religion, you give money away (à la collection plate) and all you get back is a custard cream and weak tea (à la communion wafer and splash of holy water on the way in). And we get the money (which we need, hence the bar in the janitorium - er, sorry, "glee shack"). OK, we'll run with that.

Right, so we've nailed bingo in Sheffield and we've bagged Watford Gap. It's a start. I haven't managed to find a barn on a farm yet for the more secretive,cultish activities. Bloody farmers round here get forty grand per year per windmill and it's made the buggers greedy. And they're all bloody stand-up-fer-Jaysus tone-deaf Methodists, which doesn't help. Any progress on rooms in breweries yet?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans bingo calling
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 07:56 AM

Oh aye, and what's wrong with bingo? perfect religious experience.

You are drawn in with the promise of riches (last week's meat raffle that remains unclaimed) and as the bloke at the front preaches Numbers I to 49, you feel closer and closer to material gain. Then all of a sudden,

Nothing.

Zilch.

Nothing to see here.

Wath on Dearne Working Mens Club has more old biddies praying on a Sunday night than the local church has a few hours earlier. ...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 07:27 AM

Well sex 'n' religion have been the twin obsessions of Catholicism for millennia, of course. No barbed wire underpants under those cassocks, eh! It's all to do with having endless illicit fun whilst pretending to be miserable. Trouble is, this only works for popes and priests. The rest of the flock haven't realised that their superiors are talking up the guilt 'n' misery shit yet hugely enjoying a quietly-prolific sex life. Well I'm proposing, with the goal of making ourselves distinct, to remove the "miserable" bit. I was concerned to hear on BH this morning of the proliferation of "multi-faith prayer rooms" in motorway service areas, hospitals and airports. Bare rooms with a prayer mat, a wooden chair and no windows. Well you're not catching me in one of them! I've taken out a short-term lease on a former janitors' room at Watford Gap in order to set up an experimental "multi-faith-and-none glee shack". There will, of course, be a bar, and I've installed a whole-wall video screen which will show endless funny bits from Airplane, Naked Gun, Blazing Saddles and all the Pink Panther films. Sexual proclivities will be satisfied by the provision of double mattresses on the floor (actually, the room's a touch on the small side, so I'll be encouraging, by the use of eye-catching diagrams, the younger, more virile punters at least to indulge in "standing-up ones" with a mattress leaning against the wall). But privacy will be eschewed: I want everyone to have fun, whether having sex or not! There'll be a special chair in the corner for, ahem, solo action, which might come in "handy" (another Messianic pun there! Bwahahaha!) for lonely old sailors, for example. Now I think I've thought of everything: as it's a motorway service area, and we're having a bar, Dave the Gnome will have to be stationed outside the room as pissed truth-seekers leave, in order to work his wine-into-water miracle on the driver. I do like the bingo concept, don't get me wrong, but we do need other ways of proliferating our infrastructure, and this one's my baby...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans body of Clapton
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 04:02 AM

Some of us don't need commandments. ...

I may be barking up the wrong tree here but isn't religion and sexual thrill the same thing? Rapture has a more temporal definition to my knowledge.

Anyway, the bingo session next Wednesday can be our cold shower trick. Dave the Gnome has gone quiet so I hope he remembers he is calling? Betty Swollox has bought the cards ready.   

We just need a load of balls now.




Jack! Goofus! You're on!

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 07:19 PM

Amazing, innit, how everything turns to sex (or Hitler) in the end. As co-Messiah, I hereby decree that there shall be a complete moratorium on sex talk, starting in three months' time. That should just about allow sufficient time for everyone to talk sex to their hearts' content and for the nubile midriff season in Bude to finalise. Given a good summer, those trim girlie tums should be a lovely colour by September. Mmmm. Mysogyny rules! Commandments to come...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 07:10 PM

Are you suggesting that we can sin sexually to our hearts' content then cleanse ourselves in some kind of confessorial arrangement? Yeah, that'll get 'em in...

Dammit, though, it's hardly original, is it? The Catholics have been doing that for centuries... :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans cryptic references
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 06:24 PM

I expect the Sheffield Wednesday goal to be virgin territory next season if that helps.

Obviously, if our religion is to sell, then sexual tittilation is necessary. Sex sells washing powder, beer and pot noodle, so salvation is no problem. See Procal Harem for details.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 04:19 PM

I have yet to determine the sexual stance of the New Truth (naturally, we will decide this in full consultation, Musket, though the lack of Sheffield virgins could be a minus point in your case. Or a plus point -shite, I can't decide). Sexual age discrimination will be abolished (I am 62 after all and it is nubile midriff season in Bude). I can't foresee any problems with kissing cousins at this juncture, especially if they're both ladies and it's done in public. As readers will glean, misogyny, much as I'd like to abolish it, is a must-have in any religion. Give us another two thousand years and we'll fix it, I promise. The pot towels are over there, girlies...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans shame
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 02:07 PM

What about kissing cousins?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 01:55 PM

Heh! ;-) That's the spirit, Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 01:23 PM

Same could be said for Militant Relativism.

Absolutely not! Argumentative uncles and aunts will not be allowed to join, don't you worry about that!

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 10:15 AM

Fuck you very much for the correction.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans obvious post
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 10:12 AM

Fuck you.

No, sorry. Doesn't sound as positive when you don't mean it.

Fuck me.

Ah! That's better.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 10:09 AM

Have you neo-religionist lameoids seen this? Looks like you're a day late and many dollars short with your jam and bingo.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 10:01 AM

You think? Maybe so. It could make for a fascinating discussion.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Greg F.
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 09:51 AM

Same could be said for Militant Relativism.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 09:39 AM

Just a brief aside here: I've been noticing that militant "Fuck you!-ism" has begun to approach the threshold of becoming a religion too. Specially on the Internet. Perhaps there's a connection?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans treble bob
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 09:36 AM

Yeah but the mistake they make is "those Christians. "

My experience is that the vast majority of bell ringers are in a cafe for coffee when the service starts.

Keep at it. I was told last year that I am possibly the most photographed nonringer in The Ringing World. Comes of marrying into bell ringing royalty apparently. ...



Betty Swollox came.         Through the interview by the way.   Bingo nights finish clean and tidy from next week.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 06:06 AM

I had a perfect jack once. Could hoist up one side of me Morris Minor with it enough to change a wheel with no more than the twiddle of a finger and 25 seconds' twiddling. English engineering at its finest, it was. Unlike the suspension top joint.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 06:02 AM

Hmm, with due respect to the missus (and I myself am going to learn bell-ringing in Marhamchurch soon, an act of subtle infiltration on my part, of course), having bell-ringing would not quite lend that distinctiveness we need. After all, most people who hear ringing just clasp their hands over their ears, saying "fer chrissake, not those bloody Christian zealots at it again!" and don't really look to see where the racket is coming from. I was thinking more of blasts of "We Are The Champions" at about 160 decibels. At quarter past the hour, "We". At half past, "We Are". At quarter to, We Are The", and on the hour the full thing. I think that the sentiment expressed therein would chime well (if you'll excuse the pun) with our ultimate objective of overcoming all these corrupt other so-called "faiths".

(Incidentally, MtheGM, don't go thinking that the "quarter-to" blast implies that we are all you. Perish the thought, as you've so far expressed doubts about us, calling us "boring". Naturally, you are welcome to join the fold, but, I fear, in light of your remarks, only in a very junior capacity in the first instance. I hope you hung on to your altar boy cassock. And, I remind you, even if you're not happy with that you'd better not say so. Unless you love Widnes, of course...)

By the way, there was a Messianic pun there. I expect peals of laughter, please. And hey, "peals of laughter": oh my God, there went another! Bwahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans jerkiness
Date: 29 Jun 13 - 02:38 AM

Make sure that isn't just an extension of delusion me old salty seaman.

The old religions do appear to be monitoring the rise of the true faith. Something you want to get off your chest lads? Confession being good for the soul and all that.

Now. . Mrs Musket being a church bell ringer and all that, and breweries not having rings of bells for her and her mates (although most of our ringing friends keep breweries in business) presents us with a dilemma. Do we a) put mini rings in breweries or b) brew beer in churches?   I notice many churches and chapels are becoming houses these days so might be good to help The Church of England out of their equity crisis before poor taxpayers end up bailing them out.

The true path is strong through assimilation.

Although the post of first martyr is still up for grabs.   Anyone?




(Serious thoughts on other threads. Ridiculing Jack's thesis on this one.)

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Stim
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 11:40 PM

Every new church is supposed to be an improvement on the old church, but they always fill the pews with the same old people.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Ron Davies
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 11:32 PM

Perfect, Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 11:03 PM

I don't think he is the jerk he pretends to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 06:13 PM

only scanned the last few days,but did notice that musket supported hospital chaplaincy,credit due there,even if he does consider it as only a pychological aid.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 02:03 PM

Yeah, Ebbie, you could be right, but obnoxiousness does put bums on seats. Ask Michael Ball...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans Ian
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 02:02 PM

Ours started out obnoxious so can't become what it already is. It does exactly what it says on the tin for that matter. Preys on the vulnerable, asks for their money and fobs them off with a combination of bingo on Wednesday and jam tomorrow.

And without having to believe in all that metaphysical nonsense too.

Bloody perfect if you ask me.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 12:30 PM

My prediction: *Your* church will be(come) as obnoxious as any other. This is how El Ron's started and you know how *that* turned out.

Just sayin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans blood of the Messiah
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 11:32 AM

We could always ask Dawkins' s missus.   I used to really fancy her as Dr Who's sidekick back in the '70s. I doubt anyone as lovely as Lalla Ward could have let herself go too much?

In terms of asking him if his missus is good at washing the pots and clearing up after bingo, I thought I'd let you ask him rather than me. I am learning the deniability aspects of running religions rather fast if truth be known. ...




Eee.. who'd have thought Jerk the sailor could end up being right. Atheism is a religion after all. Praise be and all that.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 10:24 AM

Looks like you need an industry-worth of atheoligical scholars to answer difficult questions.

Nah, Dave. You worry too much. I've dealt with this in my forthcoming volume "Ballightology" in which all awkward questions are niftily circumvented by means of a combination of denial, wordy obfuscation, utter basic incomprehensibility and insupportable ringfencing. I got much inspiration for this approach after trying to read a book written by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. Bloody genius I reckon, though I didn't understand a damn word of any of it. Actually, you've changed my mind about the title. As I couldn't decide whether "Ballightology" needed a triple l, I'm simplifying things by adopting your suggestion. Henceforth it shall be known as "Shaw's Atheology: Volume The First". I'm currently struggling a little with my publisher. They demurred when I insisted that I didn't want "Ladybird Books" and a big ladybird prominently displayed on the front cover. I'll keep you posted on that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 10:04 AM

Er, I don't suppose we could invite Dawkins to be the third member of the Trinity? I know he isn't a woman but at least he's unbearded and he's bloody good, allegedly, at telling everyone what to think and how to live, not at all like those ultra-democratic Christian hands-off becassocked chappies. I might just check that he can wash up...

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 09:57 AM

Anyway why do we need members? We can be like The Church of England...

Excellent point. They claim mass membership yet only 3.8 people per service actually go to church (unless Songs Of Praise is in town, in which case the church is stuffed to the rafters). I'm just wondering about virtual services. Can one photoshop videos?

We need an evangelical loony sailor to help us. Any ideas?

Yeah, this is getting urgent. "Concerened" desperately needs a photo of him in order to get to work on the medallion. We're considering hooped fisherman's smock but no eye-patch or parrot. Pirate headgear is a possibility (though you can get a fancy-dress sailor's bonnet and matching scarf for four quid on Amazon), but good taste must at all costs prevail, of course. Problems, issues, Wacko...?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,Musket sans pinotage
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 09:43 AM

A good wine bar on the waterfront in Cape Town. 250 by the glass. I became a resident last year on my hols.

Anyway why do we need members? We can be like The Church of England and bully government claiming anyone who doesn't declare otherwise is a de facto one of us.

As time goes by and the generally population becomes less superstitious, religions need to be more creative in their attempt at relevance.

Wr also need to learn how to pour scorn on rational people and tell them they only fill out their shopping lists as they do because Dawkins tells them to.

We need an evangelical loony sailor to help us. Any ideas?

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 09:09 AM

Yes, but will a chortle be considered blasphemous? Looks like you need an industry-worth of atheoligical scholars to answer difficult questions.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 08:59 AM

I suppose I have to laugh.

hahaha

Latest entry in Toerag. When a Messiah casts humourous quips they shall be chuckled at accordingly. A titter will be too little, a guffaw too much, so a chuckle shall be the measure of thy appreciation.

BTW - Just what is the point of rhetorical questions?

Maybe the commandments will cover it?

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 06:00 AM

Have we enough people yet to rent a farm and get them there to hand over their possessions whilst waiting to welcome the mother ship to, wait for it. ... rapturous applause?

Disturbingly, recruitment is a little on the slow side. We need those car stickers out, and fast. We could do with a baby boom. We have to see ourselves as in this for the long game. You should be OK with that, as any game involving Sheffield Wednesday must seem interminable.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 05:53 AM

Actually, Dave: ...how about the Fist Cape wines on offer at Morrisons. At £4.79 and the Shiraz being 14% abv...

"Fist Cape " wines at 14%? Cor, bet they pack a punch!

Bwahahaha! The first Messiah in history who makes great jokes!

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 05:48 AM

Actually, Morrisons in Bude is a hell-hole, especially in the tourist season, now that they've made all their aisles narrower and inserted dump baskets all along them. Could easily be a match for Widnes. I'm thinking of imposing a curfew on little old ladies, who will only be allowed to shop on Tuesdays before 9am (dig the nice little misogyny touch there!), and they will be allowed 15 seconds to pay for their purchases and clear off, instead of the ten minutes it currently takes them to count out to the cashier the correct number of 2p pieces from their purse, once they've taken five minutes to actually find the purse in the first place, a search that is not undertaken until they've packed and repacked their bags several times over. Yes, I intend to show how religion can act for the greater good all right. As for First Cape wines being on offer, I ask you: which came first - the start of the DFS sale, First Cape wines going on offer or the Big Bang? I'm being rhetorical here of course, as I already know the answer and have done for ever.

Subject: RE: BS: Militant atheism has become a religion
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Jun 13 - 03:55 AM

Not that I wish to question thy teachings, oh mighty one, but how about the Fist Cape wines on offer at Morrisons. At £4.79 and the Shiraz being 14% abv (Not sure about the Chardonnay) it is a good alcohol per unit price which is all Philistines such as I need :-) I must admit a conflict of interests here though, being employed by said Yorkshire grocer.

Them there South Africans could do with a good dose of saving too so could I suggest that a missionary position in Cape Town may be efficacious?

bollocks!!

DtG,C,LBandSPS