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Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...

DigiTrad:
DECK OF CARDS
JIM
RINDERCELLA
STORY OF PETEY, THE SNAKE
THE PEE LITTLE THRIGS


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GUEST,CeeGee 24 Jan 17 - 12:43 AM
GUEST 23 Jan 17 - 09:22 AM
GUEST,guest 18 Jan 17 - 04:35 AM
GUEST,Guest 17 Jan 17 - 07:29 PM
GUEST 11 Jan 17 - 03:50 PM
GUEST,Andy Lee 10 Jan 17 - 07:45 PM
GUEST,fogie 20 Jan 16 - 07:47 AM
GUEST,Gallus moll 19 Jan 16 - 06:16 PM
GUEST,Gallus moll 19 Jan 16 - 06:15 PM
GUEST 18 Jan 16 - 10:53 PM
GUEST,John Foster 26 Dec 15 - 02:11 PM
GUEST 07 Nov 15 - 07:52 AM
GUEST 07 Nov 15 - 06:43 AM
GUEST,peteN 08 May 15 - 03:38 PM
Leadfingers 14 Dec 13 - 08:22 PM
GUEST 14 Dec 13 - 08:09 PM
GUEST 14 Dec 13 - 08:04 PM
GUEST,Walter the wombat 14 Dec 13 - 07:35 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Sep 13 - 02:12 AM
GUEST,Habib 02 Sep 13 - 01:30 AM
Joe_F 04 Mar 13 - 06:22 PM
GUEST,ankh007 04 Mar 13 - 01:04 PM
GUEST,Brighton Bobby 11 Dec 12 - 05:10 PM
GUEST,Llib Enilom 16 Nov 12 - 03:55 PM
GUEST,Webfoot 17 Jul 12 - 03:16 AM
GUEST,40 days and 40 nights 10 Apr 12 - 08:35 PM
GUEST,vecchio 23 Oct 11 - 02:35 AM
GUEST,ken 02 Oct 11 - 08:23 AM
GUEST,GUEST,Kent in NJ 24 Apr 11 - 10:17 PM
GUEST,The King 27 Jan 11 - 10:46 AM
GUEST,Guest 15 Nov 10 - 03:59 PM
GUEST,Laura Norder 02 Aug 10 - 07:42 AM
GUEST,King James 27 Jul 10 - 08:38 AM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 17 Jun 10 - 05:37 PM
GUEST 16 Jun 10 - 06:25 PM
LadyJean 04 Jun 10 - 11:35 PM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 04 Jun 10 - 10:40 PM
pavane 04 Jun 10 - 03:48 AM
GUEST,Leith 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM
GUEST,johnno 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM
GUEST,Curtwn 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM
GUEST,george 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM
Bryn Pugh 13 Jan 10 - 10:22 AM
Ruth Archer 13 Jan 10 - 06:48 AM
GUEST,peebeer 14 Dec 09 - 04:33 PM
Bryn Pugh 11 Sep 09 - 10:21 AM
Lighter 18 Aug 09 - 08:24 AM
Eric the Viking 18 Aug 09 - 06:58 AM
GUEST,bobilla 17 Aug 09 - 08:29 AM
GUEST,Me Again 29 Mar 09 - 01:02 PM
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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,CeeGee
Date: 24 Jan 17 - 12:43 AM

Shock cried the crowd
No, shit cried the king and 40,000 arse holes strained
Fuck me cried the queen
and thousands were killed in the rush
Fuck me cried the dutchess
And nobody moved except an old sea dog who mistook her for an old sea bone.

This has been hilarious. I wish someone with nothing better to do could bring together all the best parts and pieces and make what us potentially the funniest story ever.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jan 17 - 09:22 AM

Come forth cried the lord
but daniel came fifth and won a silver pisspot


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 18 Jan 17 - 04:35 AM

Many lines in common with ' The Eve of Revolution'

Twas the Eve of Revolution and a Night of Prostitution,
'Shit' cried the King - 40,000 arseholes strained at his command'
'Fuck Me' cried the Queen - there was a rush to her command.
'Fuck me' cried the Duchess, hopefully - but no-one answered her plaintive cry except Daniel who was quietly (????) in a corner, who fucked her with a well worn boot. etc etc

UK mid 50s


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 17 Jan 17 - 07:29 PM

Early '60s, UK.
......
And Daniel shat a turd 40 cubits long and ten cubits high.
"Shite" said the King, and a thousand arsholes strained in the noonday sun, for in those days the kings word was law and it was death to disobey the king.
"Fuck me pink" cried the Queen, and ten thousand courtiers were killed in the rush, for the Queen's word was law and the Queen ruled with an iron hand.
.....
Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his arse-hole a-tingling. But Daniel was happy.
......
I'm unsure of the sequence of some of the rest of the text, but
generally as "The night of the King's Castration"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Jan 17 - 03:50 PM

I remember this classic ode, or part of it, from the early 60's in the UK. One line was "The king is not coming said the queen as she stirred her tea with her other hand."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Andy Lee
Date: 10 Jan 17 - 07:45 PM

About 40 years ago, I remember a similar story passed around school in the North of England on a piece of paper titled "Daniel and the Golden Pisspot"

Like others here, this witty line stuck in my mind and I was hoping to find the rest of it:

"Oh shit!" said the King, and a hundred thousand arses heaved and strained

Amazing how different versions of this story have evolved and morphed as it mutates with every telling and with every generation - similar to DNA forensics, it may be possible to trace a common ancestor if enough dated samples could be found.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,fogie
Date: 20 Jan 16 - 07:47 AM

I remember a bit about Daniel in the lion's den. Excuse me if it has been previously mentioned
And Daniel was thrown into the lions den and was greatly afeared. He shat a turd 4 cubits wide by 10 cubits long -and the lions were afeared.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Gallus moll
Date: 19 Jan 16 - 06:16 PM

Confirm i meant!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Gallus moll
Date: 19 Jan 16 - 06:15 PM

The word 'testicles'was spoken three times this morning on the Radio Scotland news programme...something about a football player having been disciplined for grabbing another player's balls i mean testicles....which is apparently on a par with gouging their eyes.
I did find this news item remarkable for the 8-9am slot (not a pun) and wondered if i had been half asleep, maybe dreamt it?
Can anyone vonfirm...Akhenaton maybe?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 16 - 10:53 PM

I'd be King!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,John Foster
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 02:11 PM

this took me along time to remember when I was about 13 ...The end does not seem to be right but what the hell I was a kid and never found another person who new this till I was 65 , as with the others there are none the same;
This reminds me of the days of old when King Arthur and his counts no counts and discounts where sitting round the round table shooting camel shit. When up rides David on his big white horse. Ho says David. whose hole says the King. "asshole" says David . Pissed the ole King off/Throw David into the lions den says the King.
Threw David in lions den lion leaped David ducked grabbed the lions right nut and squeezed gently to the left.Tickled the ole lion pleased the ole king. Take David out of the lions den ! says the King.
David asks where's the Queen up in the tower with diphtheria say's the King.Up trots David, Queen laying on her belly, turn over says David. I 'll be fucked if I do says the Queen, you will be corn holed if you don't say's David. Pissed the Queen off she picked up a camel turd and throws it at David. David ducks hits the King square in the face. "Shit" say's the King. A thousand and one Knights squatted and grunted because in these days the King's word was the law.David being a wise man trotted back down the stairs jumped on his big white mare and shot off in all directions.
the end


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 07:52 AM

Another bit that precedes the last......something along the lines of...

"Daniel I am with child, what steps art thou going to take"
"Fucking great big ones" sayeth Daniel disappearing into the night.
And presently wandering in the wilderness Daniel fell among thieves, not ordinary thieves, but thieves of low morals, who ragged him, bagged him, and nigh on shagged him, and sent him on his way, his pockets jingleing his arsehole truly sore.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 06:43 AM

It was the week of the soap and tobacco ration
And Daniel seizing a Lion turd smiteth the king between the eyes
Shit crieth the king
Right first time sayeth Daniel
And forty thousand royal Arabian arseholes heaved
Stop shitting, on the command stop, cried the King
and forty thousand royal Arabian turds were nipped in the bud.

Fuck me cried the Princess, and forty thousand royal Arabian subjects were trampled in the rush.

Fuck me crieth the Queen, and no one stirred, save a fat toady old Turk stood masturbating behind a white marble pillar, who seizing the Queen by the left breast, swung her three times round his head and slipped her on like a well worn wellington boot.....................................................................................................

Thats about all I can remember of it...But then I last heard it over fifty years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,peteN
Date: 08 May 15 - 03:38 PM

Has anyone heard Ode to a skinhead   i remember little bits of it from my school days .

" That silky hole with hair all round had dug his grave in stoney ground   ------- on his tombstone plainly laquered his epitath justf***** knackered   "    the rest of it i have forgotten


pete


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:22 PM

An MT driver (I think) who was also an ex matelot used to do 'The Story of Daniel' In the Beer Bar at RAF Rheindalen in 1961 . He also had 'Jack's Pilgrimage From Smoke to Chatham' which had a lot of Bryn Pugh's story in the middle . Oh for a time machine to go back with a mini recorder to get the whole of BOTH recitations .


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:09 PM

And this in a week when 'Er Maj has been complaining about the RPG nibbling 'Er nuts...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:04 PM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Walter the wombat
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 07:35 PM

All I remember from the '60s:

"Fuck me" cried the Queen. And with that, the captain of the guard stepped forward and, taking a firm grip of the right breast and the left buttock, drew her on like a well-worn wellington boot.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 02:12 AM

Liverpool variants:
"Well fuck me" said the Queen, and the knight rolled on.
And a Liverpool/Russian variant about Rasputin
"Fuck me" said the Tsarina, and the hairy monk jumped out of his bunk and shot connie-onnie (condensed milk) all over her.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Habib
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 01:30 AM

I remember it as:
Where's the Princess asks Daniel?
She's upstairs in bed with Arthritis, replies the King.
Hah! Says Daniel, I know the Ritis family well and
Arthur is the dirtiest bastard of them all.


Also the opening I remember as
It was the night of the kings feast and the knights were seated
at the four corners of the round table flinging sheep-shit at
each other, as in those days bull-shitting had not been invented.

Mind you, these memories are from some 50 years ago, so.......


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 06:22 PM

Draws on an old vaudeville joke:
"How's the wife?"
"Aah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ankh007
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 01:04 PM

Gotta love the oral tradition -- here's the version I learned in the 70s:

Ten thousand years before the Age of Bullshit, everyone was throwing shit at Random, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, ducked, and the shit hit the King, and the King said, "Shit!"

Immediately ten thousand loyal subjects proceeded to drop trou' and groan.

For this, Random was brought before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Upstairs in bed with Syphilis."

Random to King: "Oh, so that Greek fucker is back in town."

For this, Random was thrown to the lions, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, grabbed the lion by the left nut, threw it over his right shoulder, and proceeded to fuck the life out of it.

For this, Random was brought back before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Fuck the Queen!"

Immediately, ten thousand royal subjects proceeded to the Royal Bedchamber to fuck the Queen, but Random, being the fast fucker that he was, got there first.

Random to Queen: "Roll over, Your Majesty!"

Queen to Random: "Fuck if I will!"

Random to Queen: "Cornhole if you don't!"

Queen to Random: "I don't believe it, you lion fucker."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Brighton Bobby
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 05:10 PM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Llib Enilom
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 03:55 PM

Bits I can remember
SHIT cried the King. and Fourty courteous Coogee Kasbah carno crutch cannibals crept to the Kasbah, queued up crapt and crept back again for mark you in those days the kings word was law.

Fuck Me cried the duchess, more in hope than in anger, and fourty thousand of the kings cavalry were killed in the rush. All that is except Daniel, who crept over the dead and around the wounded and slipped on like a well worn wellington boot.

Act 1 Enter Daniel
Daniel may be clearly distinguished by the large penis which he carries loosely in his left hand.
Further on
Daniel rolled back a greasy foreskin to expose two bent and rusted six inch nails a six inch shifter (shifting spanner) and a small field mouse.
Daniel, throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder, which in those days was no mean feat, strode from the arena.
I wish I could remember more of this which I heard in Sydney around 50 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Webfoot
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 03:16 AM

There are really some great lines among all these posts - I think I shall attempt soon to use bits and pieces from each to produce a Final Copy!

My version which goes back to my West Country Rugby days, sadly many years ago - goes like this more or less

And down from the hills came Ahab, son of Ehab of the later Arabibab.
And he fell among thieves, not ordinary thieves, but arsehole thieves, who regged him , debagged him and nigh on shagged him and sent him on his way rejiocing - YEH but with a sore arse.

And he came upon a well, and the maid of the well said "tarryeth" and he tarried 40 days and 40 nights and on the 40th night the maid said " I bear thee a child, what steps wilt thou take?"

A fucking great big ine right across the desert and so it came tio pass he came upon a city wherein there dwelt a virgin queen.

"Shit" cried the Queen and 40000 arseholes turned towards Mecca.

"Fuck Me" cried the queen.

No-one stirred save an old man tooling in the corner who slipped it in like a well-worn sea boot.

And Daniel was cast into the lion's den where he shat a great shite, and the lion's, murmering among themselves said "what manner of man is this that shitteth such a great shite?"

So Daniel took a turd measuring 30 cubits by 40 cubits and did smite the King on the left knacker.Shot murmered Daniel, Shit said the King, Fuck Me Cried the queen.

At this point 10,000 courtiers were killed in the rush for in those days it was death to defy the queen


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,40 days and 40 nights
Date: 10 Apr 12 - 08:35 PM

I notice the interpolation in several cases of a couple of lines involving 40 days and 40 nights. My guess is that these lines are borrowed from a venerable rhyme which I have only ever heard done with a broad Yorkshire accent, as follows:

And God said unto Ahab "Go forth into t'desert." And Ahab went forth into t'desert. And whilst in t'desert, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Wilt thou tarry with me here ?" And Ahab said "Yea, I will." And it came to pass that he tarried for forty days and forty nights. And on t'forty-first day, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Lo, I am great with child. What steps wilt thou take ?" and Ahab said "Bloody great big ones !" and buggered off into t'desert.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,vecchio
Date: 23 Oct 11 - 02:35 AM

We're nearly there! Im thought we had struck a rock, the captain he said we had struc a rock but the Boatswain he said we had run aground


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ken
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 08:23 AM

Im trying to ger words to a recitation about a bosun. Parts that I remember were
And then we hit a rock.Or at least I thought we had hit a rock
And Sir Charles he also thought we had hit a rock
But the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
He said we'd run aground.

Another part -
At least I thought she was beautiful
And Sir Charles he also thought she was beautiful
Bit the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
he said she was a voluptous bitch."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST,Kent in NJ
Date: 24 Apr 11 - 10:17 PM

My roommate freshman year in college would say "Balls said the Queen. If I had'em, I'd be King. The King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had t(w)o."

We took up the line when we played cards (usually Bridge or Oh Hell): if you beat your opponent's high card it was "Not because I had to, but because I wanted to." If you dropped a winner on your partner's winner it was "Not because I wanted to, but because I had to."

Same roomie also was fond of telling us about a great double feature: "The first one is 'The King's Hand." You had to ask "Ok. What's it playing with?" "'The Queen's Ass'" came the reply.

And it just so happened there was a department store chain called 2 Guys near the school, so this double feature played at the Four Ball Theater, which was located down 18 just below 2 Guys.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,The King
Date: 27 Jan 11 - 10:46 AM

The only parts I remember are:

Balls cried the Queen; if I had two, I'd be King.

And.....

More land cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for ya."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 03:59 PM

Oh dark and hairy slit,
how men can wallow in your piss
and swear it is eternal bliss,
I'm fucked if I know.

Shakespear


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Laura Norder
Date: 02 Aug 10 - 07:42 AM

I remember first hearing "The Bosun, cunning bugger that he were, and not to be outdone" in 1946 in Merebrook camp at Malvern.

As I recall it, the two Princesses were:
"Irene and Urine, as like as two peas.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,King James
Date: 27 Jul 10 - 08:38 AM

Well, I remember this "Story" from the early '50s, and it was a little "cleaner" than recent postings. I don't recall the "F" word being used, but.....that WAS a long time ago. Only parts I remember were: "Balls", cried the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King." And, one I haven't seem here: "More land", cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for you!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Jun 10 - 05:37 PM

I have heard many, many variations of all of this dating back well over sixty years. But, free-association being the bringer of all weirdness, I was moved to recall a riddle:

Q: Who is the most popular fellow in the nudist (naturist) camp?


A: The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and half a dozen donuts to the taffy pulling...

So sorry....


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jun 10 - 06:25 PM

I remember, "A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in one of those Yukon halls - The kid that handled the music box was lazily scratching his balls - When into the din and glare, burst a grizzled
old miner up from the creek, dog dirty and loaded for bear"

...........

The lights came on and there of the floor lay poor old corn-holed Dan


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: LadyJean
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 11:35 PM

In my college days the recitation was punctuated now and again with, "In those days the king's word was law. Drink to the king's word." And all the frat boys would drink.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 10:40 PM

"Balls cried the Queen, if I had two..."

Wasn't that Obama's campaign song?

GfS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 03:48 AM

Every version I have seen is missing some vital component.
For example, I have never seen a version containing this chunk from the one I heard at school

after:
"Fuck Me" said the Princess (and 40,000 killed in the rush etc)

"The winner was an old vizier who had been w**kig in the corner for 50 years. He pulled apart the lips of her c**t and pulled it on like a well-oiled sea-boot."

There was also some crystalline camel dung involved.

Surely the time has come for a definitive version to be compiled.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Leith
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM

This is a better version I think.

Daniel


In the beginning the Lord said, "Let there be light!" and there was light. You could see for bloody miles.

The Lord said, "Let there be rain!" and there was rain. It fair pissed down.

Now this was in the days of good King Anus, before the castration of Abercock, whenst Daniel wrote "Shit" upon the king's shield. Now in those far-off days it was no mean feat to write "shit" upon the king's shield.
So the king had Daniel cast into a den of ferocious lions. Whereupon Daniel shat a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide.
The king soon heard of this and said "What manner of man is this, who can shit a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide?"
The king commanded Daniel to come forth. Daniel slipped on a petrified lion's turd, came fifth and was disqualified. Picking up this fucking great turd, he flung it at the king.
"Shit!" Cried the king.
"Right first time" cried Daniel, "Drinks on the king!".
"Shit!" Cried the king again. 10,000 arseholes strained to their utmost for in those far-off days the king's word was law.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen.
"Fuck yourself" cried Daniel and threw her a candle.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen again. No one stirred but the lowest shit-shoveller in all the land who came forth prick in hand and drew her on like a worn out Russian boot.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess. 10 strong men were killed in the rush.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess again. Daniel came forth throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder saying, "Bring me my brass-bound buggery box. Bring me my copper-bound copulating canister. Bring me my potassium plated penis puller. Bring me my tungsten- tipped twat twitching tweezers."
It was about this time 10 ten vestal virgins came riding in on their menstrual cycles, singing the top pop tune of the week, "When Tools Rush In" It was at this time Goliath also did come down out of the mountains and taking one of these vestal virgins, he slept with her for 40 days and 40 nights upon the synagogue steps.
And after this time had passed she said to Goliath, "Goliath, Goliath, thou hast made me pregnant. What steps are thoust going to take?"
"Bloody great long ones," said Goliath and disappeared into the mountains never to be seen again.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,johnno
Date: 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM

It was Daniel in the Lion's den where he slew the lion, "shit" said the king and 40 thousand arseholes flashed in the noonday sun and shit flew at random, but random being a clever fucker, ducked, and the lot fell upon the queen, "Fuck me" said the queen and 20 thousand me and 4 mad dogs died in the rush, and the laugh was on the queen, and so was Daniel. "Let there be light" said Daniel, and you could see for fucking miles. Then Daniel went out of the land of Mesopotamia and he came upon the woman with whom he had lain and she said "Daniel, I am heavy with child, what steps are you going to take?" "Fucking great ones" said Daniel, and you couldn't see him for dust


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Curtwn
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM

This is the best I can remember of 'The Death of the 69,000'. I was in Turkey in 1962 when I came across it. There are many good things to be said for growing old (retiring and grandkids for instance), but memory is probably not one of them.



It was the night of the King's castration. He was given a ball, his left one.

All the counts, no-accounts and discounts were sitting around flinging camel turds, for bullshit was unheard of in those days.

Out strode the King in his diamond-studded jockey strap as turds were being flung at Random. But Random ducked and a turd hit the King full in the face.

"Shit", cried the King. And the whole nation squatted and groaned.

"Balls", cried the Queen for if I had two I'd become king".

The King laughed not because he wanted to, but because he didn't have two.

The King cried, "David come forth".

But David slipped on a camel turd and came in fifth.

"Whoa", cried David.

"What whoa", cried the King.

"Asshole", cried David. And scored one up for the common people.

Then David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "She's in bed with diphtheria".

David he say, "What, that Greek bastards back again?"

For this David was thrown in the lions den.

He grabbed the lion by the left nut.

The lion he say "That tickles".

David he say "What tickles".

The lion he say, "Testicles". And scored one up for the mangy beast.

Up his release from the lion's den again David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "Fuck the Queen".

And 69,000 were killed in the mad rush for in those days the King's word was the law.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,george
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I heard "Queen of the Goddam Isles" from an Australian Company Commander, in Japan, in 1946. the line was.....but "Bosun, cunning barstard that 'e were, paddled ashore in a latrine bucket"...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 10:22 AM

And Daniel lay with the mais and came across her. Daniel woke and inquired of the mais "What time is it ?" : and the mais replied "It is five bells on the forenoon watch".   "Fuck me" said Danile, "I've done it again".

And Daniel did go unto the dockyard gates of the dockyards of Chatham and Portsmouth. And did the killick of the working party inquired of him "Daniel, where hast thou been?".

And Daniel did reply "Verily, I have been fucking".

And the killick of the working party did say "If thou hast been fucking Verily, produce thine organ".

And Daniel drew from his britches a dick the pride of the Navy, the sight of which caused the mainbrace to be spliced, a great cheer to rise from the assembled ships and a rally on the bosun's pipe.

"Squeeze, Daniel, squeeze" quoth the killick of the working party.

So he squeezed and he squoze and a bubble arose.

"Daniel" quoth the killick of the working party "Thou has contracted a disease, no ordinary disease but a social disease. Therefore must thou sojourne in the desert for forty days and forty nights".

And so it came to pass that Daniel did unto the desert go. And there he was set upon by bandits, no ordinary banditd, but arse bandits who scragged him, debagged him and shagged him, and sent him on his way rejoicing, with his pockets jingling and his arsehole tingling.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Ruth Archer
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 06:48 AM

I found out last night through the wonder of Facebook that an old friend, who I have not seen in over 20 years, passed away some time ago. His name was Ivan Selwood, and he was one of the funniest people I have ever known (and bloody infuriating into the bargain). He was a raconteur of epic proportions, an utterly larger-than-life figure, and his songs and recitations were the stuff of legend in the ex-pat pubs round Hollywood. He was from England originally, and apparently returned here to live about 15 years ago. In the unlikely event that any Mudcatters ever came across him (in the Luton area, possibly), I'd love to hear from them.

I had long been looking for the source of one of his recitations, which we called The Bosun. Incredibly, when I put some of the words I could remember into google last night after learning of his death, it led me straight to Mudcat (what are the chances of that happening, eh?) and this thread, which I have noticed previously but never opened. I found that Snuffy had posted a version of The Bosun in 2001. So here, cobbled from Snuffy's post and what I can remember from over 20 years ago, is my feeble reconstruction of Ivan's version, in his memory. The bits in brackets are audience participation - everyone in the pub shouts them out.

I just know that wherever he is, he's propping up the bar, pint in one hand and a pouch of Drum tobacco in the other, telling stories and singing songs and playing that bloody awful version of Carrickfergus on the mandolin (I can hear him now: "You what? What a diabolical fucking liberty!").


The Bosun

It was the third day of the third week of the third month of 1833
When we set sail for those Goddamn Isles.
The ship was tossing on the ocean
And likewise the crew within their bunks.
But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Took the ship's only longboat
And rowed to the nearest of those Goddamn Isles
Where they were holding the Feast of the Festering Foreskin

Into the ring jumped the King (a dirty sod)
The Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And likewise the King's two beautiful daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)

Whosoever shall bring forth the longest penis
Said the King (a dirty sod)
Shall have tea with my daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)
Not Typhoo Tea
Not Mazawattee Tea
But C-U-N-T

Into the ring jumped the Witch Doctor
And proceeded to draw forth twelve and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Two occasional tables
Three mahagonay armchairs
Four packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean).

But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Strode into the ring, and titivating his penis
Between the thumb and forefinger
Of his right hand, caused that member to expand to enoooormous proportions,
Upon which he proceeded to balance
One Witch Doctor
Four occasional tables
Five mahagonay armchairs
Six packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean)

"Shit" said the King (a dirty sod)
And forty thousand loyal arses heaved and strained with all their majestic might
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Stop" said the Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And forty thousand long, black, coiled, spirally turds hung in mid-suspension
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Fuck Me" said the Princess
And sixty thousand chickens and one mangy dog were killed in the crush
And the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Lay with her for forty days and forty nights

...And that's about all I remember.



Cheers, Ivan.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,peebeer
Date: 14 Dec 09 - 04:33 PM

The dukes a long time coming today, remarked the duchess, stirring her tea with her other hand. Fuck me! said the queen. not while there's dogs in the street, replied the king.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 10:21 AM

. . . and lo ! It came to pass that Daniel shat a great turd, eight cubits and three spans in size, and the lions were sore afraid.

And it came to pass that the king came down to the lions' den to see what manner of man cound survive there.

And Daniel Seized his turd and threw it at random. That crafty fucker Random ducked and the tyrd hit the king.

"Shut !" cries the king

"Riight first time ! "cries Daniel, and the drinks were on the King.

And the king wrought exceeeding wrath.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Lighter
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 08:24 AM

I too heard once heard the complete "Daniel" story - from a Tennessean who would have made a good Charles Dickens character if Dickens had wanted an X-rating. It was over thirty years ago.

I mention it because most of the upthread recollections seem to be from the other side of one ocean or another.

I was clever enough to write it down at the time and may still have it. If I find it, I'll post it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 06:58 AM

Having re-read this today I'm suprised I didn't comment before. I thought and remember from the late 60's that it started:,P>Twas in the days of good king Azimiarse the first that the words bollocks was found written on the palace doors and the king being in a foul mood, roared. "Who has done this foul deed?". One spotty faced little man playing with himself in the corner shouted, "Daniel". "Lo", said the king. "Let Daniel be sent for" and so it goes on with many of the variations written above incorporated into the monologue. Such bits as. "Shit", said the King etc. "Fuck me" said the queen and 1000 men were trampled in the rush. "Fuck me" cried the queen mother and nobody moved except one old man who'd been wanking off under his cloak. etc.

I though Micca might have written it down as it was from the same college that we both went to that I heard it, possibly from him or we both knew someone who knew it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,bobilla
Date: 17 Aug 09 - 08:29 AM

The scraps I remember from forestry camps around Melbourne in the late sixties were all supposed to be from a saga called "Daniel in the Lions Den", but the story revolved around the one-up-manship of the bosun, "cunning bugger that he was" paddling ashore in a sanitary can and balancing the witchdoctor etc and one packet of WD & HO Wills, the only cigarette in place of Woodbine, as above....

....Together with the the exhortations of the ladies of the court;

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess.
"What, again?" moaned the Duke, wiping his prick on the tablecloth...

"Fuck me" cried the Queen and a giant Nubian slave slipped her on like a glove.

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess but no-one moved save one old sailor who, grabbing her by the scruff of the cunt, pulled her on like a well worn seaboot.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Me Again
Date: 29 Mar 09 - 01:02 PM

But wait there's more:

But Daniel did not die
He made his way to Babylon
Where he was arrested for painting arseholes on the palace walls
He was taken before the king
(something I don't remember)
The king cried "shit"
And 40 000 arseholes heaved in strain
The king cried "stop"
And 40 000 prime turds were nipped in the bud

That's it as far as I can remember. It was a long time ago and far far away ...


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