Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,John Halucha
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 11:16 AM

Here is more or less how I learned it in 1968 from another "Junior Ranger" at a camp near Quetico Provincial Park / Atikokan, Ontario, Canada.

Twas the day of the king's castration, and Daniel, along with 40,000 knights, counts, viscounts, recounts, discounts and even some poor bastards who couldn't count were all seated round the square table shooting camel dung as bullshit was out of style.
Enter the king in his diamond-studded jockstrap.
"Ho!" said Daniel.
"What ho!" said the king.
"Ass ho," said Daniel. "By the way, where's the fairy princess?"
"Oh, she's in bed with lumbago."
"Is that dirty bastard back in town?"
For insolence, Daniel was thrown to the lions. Daniel grabbed the first lion by the tail and swung him around. Shit flew at random. Random ducked. Shit at the king.
"Shit!" said the king. And, the king's word being law, the halls reverberated with the sound of 40,000 pairs of iron pants falling to the floor simultaneously and 40,000 asses straining to obey. There was also a mass movement throughout the land.
Daniel grabbed the second lion by the balls.
"Tickles!" said the lion.
"Tickles?" said Daniel.
"Testicles!" said the lion.
"Balls!" cried the queen.
The king laughed. He had two.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 20 Feb 21 - 09:03 AM

When I was at school in the 60s I heard the story with a much longer build up to the point where Daniel appeared, hardly any of which I can remember but it started:

In the beginning God said "Let there be light!" and there was light, and you could see for fucking miles.

Robin

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest - Dallas
Date: 20 Feb 21 - 06:16 AM

In the Australian Navy sometime between 1966 and 1973 I heard various versions of the Daniel/King story, all similar to what has been written before on this site.
There is one ditty which was related to me which I wrote down in around 1967 or 68.
Some of the terms are British/Australian Navy which I will try to explain in brackets.
The First Lesson Of Jack.
And it came to pass that on the third day after mismusters (where those that missed pay day or an issue of something, gathered)for rum and tickler (a hairy ring attached to the penis to please ladies)issue, that Nabob, son of Paybob (The Supply Officer), not worth two bob, known as Jack for short but not for long, set out for the town of Jerusalem to find himself a woman with whom he might lay. On his way he passed near the town of Nazareth where he was espied by a woman drawing water from the well. Where goest thou sayeth the woman. I go to Jerusalem to find myself a woman with whom I might lay. Are not the women of Nazerath more beautiful than the women of Jerusalem sayeth the woman. Verily it is so sayeth Jack. I may tarry. So Jack tarried. As a matter of fact Jack tarried too fucking long and next morning he awoke to find the woman about her work. What beith the time quoth Jack. It wants but a little of 8 bells sayeth the woman. Gor fuck me dead sayeth Jack, 8 fuckin' bells late again and headed back to his ship. Alas, he was set upon by slanty eyes and jauntyites (Naval Police)and thrown into the lowest of dungeons, yea, even lower that that. Next morning he arose to face an assembly of the elders known commonly as Commanders Table. The Jimmy (first Lieutenant)sayeth unto Jack where were thou last night and Jack replied I lay with a woman all night. The Jimmy sayeth Jack squeeze so Jack squoze and low and behold a green bubble arose and the Jimmy sayeth unto Jack Thou art of the Rotten (VD)and must journey to the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights. Alas, on his way to the wilderness Jack was set upon by bandits, not just ordinary bandits but arse bandits. They ragged him, bagged him, scragged him and shagged him. Then, after drawing lots for his Burberry (a Sailors great coat)they sent him on his way rejoicing with pockets jingling and rectum tingling. After serving his 40 days and 40 night in the wilderness Jack headed back to his ship. On his way he once again passed near the town of Nazareth where he was espied by the woman with who he had so recently laid. Jack, I beareth your child, what steps art thou taking. Bloody big long ones sayeth Jack and bolted back to his ship. So endeth the lesson.
Cheers
Dallas

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Aug 20 - 11:23 AM

This was told to me by a Liverpudlian ex-matelot:

It came to pass on the second Sunday of the soap and tobacco issue, Nabob the son of Pabob was making his way from Cosham to Portsmouth with the mess savings. He was rudely fell upon by thieves and vagabonds. He was ragged, bagged and shagged, hobnobbed and bobbed, and sent on his way rejoicing. Here endeth the first lesson.

The next morning he came aboard, adrift as usual. He was taken before the commander, who says unto him, “Jack, you have sinned, place thyself before the table”, which Jack did. He says, “Jack, cast thyself into the wilderness and die”. Jack cast himself into the wilderness and died, and thousands died with him, cos he was crab infested.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 22 May 20 - 03:14 PM

''Twas in the seventeenth year of the circumcision of the camel
And Daniel was making his way across the desert
When he was set about by bandits, not ordinary bandits
But arse bandit, who ragged, him shagged him and left him for dead

But Daniel being of a strong constipation, pricked himself up
Dusted himself off and made for the Kings camp
When he got there he did shite upon the kings shield
In the morning when the King awoke and saw this
He did say "why hast thou shite on my shield Daniel"

But Daniel being a bit deaf at that time of the morning replied "what"
SHITE shouted the King
and forty thousand nut brown arseholes strained in the morning sun
"To the lions den with him" shouted the king as the guards dug him out
And Daniel was cast into the lions den but the lion ignored him

On the first day of his imprisonments the King did come and shite upon him
On the fourth day the Kings daughter did come unto Daniel
She said"Daniel I am with child, what steps are you going to take"
Fucking big ones said Daniel fishing past her and out into the desert

Daniel made his way to the mountains and shat a shite a cubit square
And hurled it at the King
On his return to court he was greeted by a great cry
Fuck me said the queen and the Duke stepped forward
and pulled her on like A well oiled sea boot
Fuck me cried the Duchess and not a soul stirred except the fooL behind the curtains
Fuck me cried the Princess and forty thousand were killed in the rush

That is how I remember it from the sixties

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Old prick
Date: 24 Mar 18 - 06:12 AM

Missed a bit from the start...

Nell was the best the west could produce,
There wasn't a man she couldn't seduce,
Standing bets went 'round the town,
there wasn't a man who could fuck her down,

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Old Prick
Date: 24 Mar 18 - 06:08 AM

There was another dirty ditty I had heard in my youth which I regret not keeping a copy of... maybe the little I remember might stir some memories...

Nell was the best the west could produce,
there wasn't a man who could fuck her down,

and it ended:

Though she's dead, she's not forgotten,
We dig her up and fuck her often!

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Inkster
Date: 22 Aug 17 - 01:02 AM

I heard a similar story from an old stockman in New South Wales - truly 'Back-o-Bourke' more than 50 years ago that began:

Hear the tale of Nabob, son of Paybob, absolutely no fucking relation to Twobob.

He was on his way unto Jerusalem when he was set upon by bandits.
But these were not ordinary bandits, they were arse bandits,
Who ragged, bagged and shagged him and left him with his arsehole tingling and his pockets jingling.

When he came unto Jerusalem he went unto the apothecary who said "Squeeze," and he squoze and lo and behold, a dirty great yellow bubble arose.
"Thou art rotten, rotten, rotten to the core. Cast thyself away for forty days and forty nights."
So he cast himself away for forty days and forty nights, but he was not alone, there were thousands of the bastards, all rotten, rotten, rotten to the core.

This is all I remember of a 20 minute recitation. I wish I could find the rest of it.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,CeeGee
Date: 24 Jan 17 - 12:43 AM

Shock cried the crowd
No, shit cried the king and 40,000 arse holes strained
Fuck me cried the queen
and thousands were killed in the rush
Fuck me cried the dutchess
And nobody moved except an old sea dog who mistook her for an old sea bone.

This has been hilarious. I wish someone with nothing better to do could bring together all the best parts and pieces and make what us potentially the funniest story ever.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jan 17 - 09:22 AM

Come forth cried the lord
but daniel came fifth and won a silver pisspot

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 18 Jan 17 - 04:35 AM

Many lines in common with ' The Eve of Revolution'

Twas the Eve of Revolution and a Night of Prostitution,
'Shit' cried the King - 40,000 arseholes strained at his command'
'Fuck Me' cried the Queen - there was a rush to her command.
'Fuck me' cried the Duchess, hopefully - but no-one answered her plaintive cry except Daniel who was quietly (????) in a corner, who fucked her with a well worn boot. etc etc

UK mid 50s

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 17 Jan 17 - 07:29 PM

Early '60s, UK.
......
And Daniel shat a turd 40 cubits long and ten cubits high.
"Shite" said the King, and a thousand arsholes strained in the noonday sun, for in those days the kings word was law and it was death to disobey the king.
"Fuck me pink" cried the Queen, and ten thousand courtiers were killed in the rush, for the Queen's word was law and the Queen ruled with an iron hand.
.....
Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his arse-hole a-tingling. But Daniel was happy.
......
I'm unsure of the sequence of some of the rest of the text, but
generally as "The night of the King's Castration"

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Jan 17 - 03:50 PM

I remember this classic ode, or part of it, from the early 60's in the UK. One line was "The king is not coming said the queen as she stirred her tea with her other hand."

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Andy Lee
Date: 10 Jan 17 - 07:45 PM

About 40 years ago, I remember a similar story passed around school in the North of England on a piece of paper titled "Daniel and the Golden Pisspot"

Like others here, this witty line stuck in my mind and I was hoping to find the rest of it:

"Oh shit!" said the King, and a hundred thousand arses heaved and strained

Amazing how different versions of this story have evolved and morphed as it mutates with every telling and with every generation - similar to DNA forensics, it may be possible to trace a common ancestor if enough dated samples could be found.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,fogie
Date: 20 Jan 16 - 07:47 AM

I remember a bit about Daniel in the lion's den. Excuse me if it has been previously mentioned
And Daniel was thrown into the lions den and was greatly afeared. He shat a turd 4 cubits wide by 10 cubits long -and the lions were afeared.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Gallus moll
Date: 19 Jan 16 - 06:16 PM

Confirm i meant!

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Gallus moll
Date: 19 Jan 16 - 06:15 PM

The word 'testicles'was spoken three times this morning on the Radio Scotland news programme...something about a football player having been disciplined for grabbing another player's balls i mean testicles....which is apparently on a par with gouging their eyes.
I did find this news item remarkable for the 8-9am slot (not a pun) and wondered if i had been half asleep, maybe dreamt it?
Can anyone vonfirm...Akhenaton maybe?

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 16 - 10:53 PM

I'd be King!

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,John Foster
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 02:11 PM

this took me along time to remember when I was about 13 ...The end does not seem to be right but what the hell I was a kid and never found another person who new this till I was 65 , as with the others there are none the same;
This reminds me of the days of old when King Arthur and his counts no counts and discounts where sitting round the round table shooting camel shit. When up rides David on his big white horse. Ho says David. whose hole says the King. "asshole" says David . Pissed the ole King off/Throw David into the lions den says the King.
Threw David in lions den lion leaped David ducked grabbed the lions right nut and squeezed gently to the left.Tickled the ole lion pleased the ole king. Take David out of the lions den ! says the King.
David asks where's the Queen up in the tower with diphtheria say's the King.Up trots David, Queen laying on her belly, turn over says David. I 'll be fucked if I do says the Queen, you will be corn holed if you don't say's David. Pissed the Queen off she picked up a camel turd and throws it at David. David ducks hits the King square in the face. "Shit" say's the King. A thousand and one Knights squatted and grunted because in these days the King's word was the law.David being a wise man trotted back down the stairs jumped on his big white mare and shot off in all directions.
the end

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 07:52 AM

Another bit that precedes the last......something along the lines of...

"Daniel I am with child, what steps art thou going to take"
"Fucking great big ones" sayeth Daniel disappearing into the night.
And presently wandering in the wilderness Daniel fell among thieves, not ordinary thieves, but thieves of low morals, who ragged him, bagged him, and nigh on shagged him, and sent him on his way, his pockets jingleing his arsehole truly sore.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 06:43 AM

It was the week of the soap and tobacco ration
And Daniel seizing a Lion turd smiteth the king between the eyes
Shit crieth the king
Right first time sayeth Daniel
And forty thousand royal Arabian arseholes heaved
Stop shitting, on the command stop, cried the King
and forty thousand royal Arabian turds were nipped in the bud.

Fuck me cried the Princess, and forty thousand royal Arabian subjects were trampled in the rush.

Fuck me crieth the Queen, and no one stirred, save a fat toady old Turk stood masturbating behind a white marble pillar, who seizing the Queen by the left breast, swung her three times round his head and slipped her on like a well worn wellington boot.....................................................................................................

Thats about all I can remember of it...But then I last heard it over fifty years ago.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,peteN
Date: 08 May 15 - 03:38 PM

Has anyone heard Ode to a skinhead   i remember little bits of it from my school days .

" That silky hole with hair all round had dug his grave in stoney ground   ------- on his tombstone plainly laquered his epitath justf***** knackered   "    the rest of it i have forgotten


pete

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:22 PM

An MT driver (I think) who was also an ex matelot used to do 'The Story of Daniel' In the Beer Bar at RAF Rheindalen in 1961 . He also had 'Jack's Pilgrimage From Smoke to Chatham' which had a lot of Bryn Pugh's story in the middle . Oh for a time machine to go back with a mini recorder to get the whole of BOTH recitations .

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:09 PM

And this in a week when 'Er Maj has been complaining about the RPG nibbling 'Er nuts...

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:04 PM

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Walter the wombat
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 07:35 PM

All I remember from the '60s:

"Fuck me" cried the Queen. And with that, the captain of the guard stepped forward and, taking a firm grip of the right breast and the left buttock, drew her on like a well-worn wellington boot.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 02:12 AM

Liverpool variants:
"Well fuck me" said the Queen, and the knight rolled on.
And a Liverpool/Russian variant about Rasputin
"Fuck me" said the Tsarina, and the hairy monk jumped out of his bunk and shot connie-onnie (condensed milk) all over her.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Habib
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 01:30 AM

I remember it as:
Where's the Princess asks Daniel?
She's upstairs in bed with Arthritis, replies the King.
Hah! Says Daniel, I know the Ritis family well and
Arthur is the dirtiest bastard of them all.


Also the opening I remember as
It was the night of the kings feast and the knights were seated
at the four corners of the round table flinging sheep-shit at
each other, as in those days bull-shitting had not been invented.

Mind you, these memories are from some 50 years ago, so.......

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 06:22 PM

Draws on an old vaudeville joke:
"How's the wife?"
"Aah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ankh007
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 01:04 PM

Gotta love the oral tradition -- here's the version I learned in the 70s:

Ten thousand years before the Age of Bullshit, everyone was throwing shit at Random, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, ducked, and the shit hit the King, and the King said, "Shit!"

Immediately ten thousand loyal subjects proceeded to drop trou' and groan.

For this, Random was brought before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Upstairs in bed with Syphilis."

Random to King: "Oh, so that Greek fucker is back in town."

For this, Random was thrown to the lions, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, grabbed the lion by the left nut, threw it over his right shoulder, and proceeded to fuck the life out of it.

For this, Random was brought back before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Fuck the Queen!"

Immediately, ten thousand royal subjects proceeded to the Royal Bedchamber to fuck the Queen, but Random, being the fast fucker that he was, got there first.

Random to Queen: "Roll over, Your Majesty!"

Queen to Random: "Fuck if I will!"

Random to Queen: "Cornhole if you don't!"

Queen to Random: "I don't believe it, you lion fucker."

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Brighton Bobby
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 05:10 PM

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Llib Enilom
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 03:55 PM

Bits I can remember
SHIT cried the King. and Fourty courteous Coogee Kasbah carno crutch cannibals crept to the Kasbah, queued up crapt and crept back again for mark you in those days the kings word was law.

Fuck Me cried the duchess, more in hope than in anger, and fourty thousand of the kings cavalry were killed in the rush. All that is except Daniel, who crept over the dead and around the wounded and slipped on like a well worn wellington boot.

Act 1 Enter Daniel
Daniel may be clearly distinguished by the large penis which he carries loosely in his left hand.
Further on
Daniel rolled back a greasy foreskin to expose two bent and rusted six inch nails a six inch shifter (shifting spanner) and a small field mouse.
Daniel, throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder, which in those days was no mean feat, strode from the arena.
I wish I could remember more of this which I heard in Sydney around 50 years ago.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Webfoot
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 03:16 AM

There are really some great lines among all these posts - I think I shall attempt soon to use bits and pieces from each to produce a Final Copy!

My version which goes back to my West Country Rugby days, sadly many years ago - goes like this more or less

And down from the hills came Ahab, son of Ehab of the later Arabibab.
And he fell among thieves, not ordinary thieves, but arsehole thieves, who regged him , debagged him and nigh on shagged him and sent him on his way rejiocing - YEH but with a sore arse.

And he came upon a well, and the maid of the well said "tarryeth" and he tarried 40 days and 40 nights and on the 40th night the maid said " I bear thee a child, what steps wilt thou take?"

A fucking great big ine right across the desert and so it came tio pass he came upon a city wherein there dwelt a virgin queen.

"Shit" cried the Queen and 40000 arseholes turned towards Mecca.

"Fuck Me" cried the queen.

No-one stirred save an old man tooling in the corner who slipped it in like a well-worn sea boot.

And Daniel was cast into the lion's den where he shat a great shite, and the lion's, murmering among themselves said "what manner of man is this that shitteth such a great shite?"

So Daniel took a turd measuring 30 cubits by 40 cubits and did smite the King on the left knacker.Shot murmered Daniel, Shit said the King, Fuck Me Cried the queen.

At this point 10,000 courtiers were killed in the rush for in those days it was death to defy the queen

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,40 days and 40 nights
Date: 10 Apr 12 - 08:35 PM

I notice the interpolation in several cases of a couple of lines involving 40 days and 40 nights. My guess is that these lines are borrowed from a venerable rhyme which I have only ever heard done with a broad Yorkshire accent, as follows:

And God said unto Ahab "Go forth into t'desert." And Ahab went forth into t'desert. And whilst in t'desert, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Wilt thou tarry with me here ?" And Ahab said "Yea, I will." And it came to pass that he tarried for forty days and forty nights. And on t'forty-first day, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Lo, I am great with child. What steps wilt thou take ?" and Ahab said "Bloody great big ones !" and buggered off into t'desert.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,vecchio
Date: 23 Oct 11 - 02:35 AM

We're nearly there! Im thought we had struck a rock, the captain he said we had struc a rock but the Boatswain he said we had run aground

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ken
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 08:23 AM

Im trying to ger words to a recitation about a bosun. Parts that I remember were
And then we hit a rock.Or at least I thought we had hit a rock
And Sir Charles he also thought we had hit a rock
But the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
He said we'd run aground.

Another part -
At least I thought she was beautiful
And Sir Charles he also thought she was beautiful
Bit the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
he said she was a voluptous bitch."

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST,Kent in NJ
Date: 24 Apr 11 - 10:17 PM

My roommate freshman year in college would say "Balls said the Queen. If I had'em, I'd be King. The King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had t(w)o."

We took up the line when we played cards (usually Bridge or Oh Hell): if you beat your opponent's high card it was "Not because I had to, but because I wanted to." If you dropped a winner on your partner's winner it was "Not because I wanted to, but because I had to."

Same roomie also was fond of telling us about a great double feature: "The first one is 'The King's Hand." You had to ask "Ok. What's it playing with?" "'The Queen's Ass'" came the reply.

And it just so happened there was a department store chain called 2 Guys near the school, so this double feature played at the Four Ball Theater, which was located down 18 just below 2 Guys.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,The King
Date: 27 Jan 11 - 10:46 AM

The only parts I remember are:

Balls cried the Queen; if I had two, I'd be King.

And.....

More land cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for ya."

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 03:59 PM

Oh dark and hairy slit,
how men can wallow in your piss
and swear it is eternal bliss,
I'm fucked if I know.

Shakespear

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Laura Norder
Date: 02 Aug 10 - 07:42 AM

I remember first hearing "The Bosun, cunning bugger that he were, and not to be outdone" in 1946 in Merebrook camp at Malvern.

As I recall it, the two Princesses were:
"Irene and Urine, as like as two peas.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,King James
Date: 27 Jul 10 - 08:38 AM

Well, I remember this "Story" from the early '50s, and it was a little "cleaner" than recent postings. I don't recall the "F" word being used, but.....that WAS a long time ago. Only parts I remember were: "Balls", cried the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King." And, one I haven't seem here: "More land", cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for you!"

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Jun 10 - 05:37 PM

I have heard many, many variations of all of this dating back well over sixty years. But, free-association being the bringer of all weirdness, I was moved to recall a riddle:

Q: Who is the most popular fellow in the nudist (naturist) camp?


A: The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and half a dozen donuts to the taffy pulling...

So sorry....

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jun 10 - 06:25 PM

I remember, "A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in one of those Yukon halls - The kid that handled the music box was lazily scratching his balls - When into the din and glare, burst a grizzled
old miner up from the creek, dog dirty and loaded for bear"

...........

The lights came on and there of the floor lay poor old corn-holed Dan

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: LadyJean
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 11:35 PM

In my college days the recitation was punctuated now and again with, "In those days the king's word was law. Drink to the king's word." And all the frat boys would drink.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 10:40 PM

"Balls cried the Queen, if I had two..."

Wasn't that Obama's campaign song?

GfS

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 03:48 AM

Every version I have seen is missing some vital component.
For example, I have never seen a version containing this chunk from the one I heard at school

after:
"Fuck Me" said the Princess (and 40,000 killed in the rush etc)

"The winner was an old vizier who had been w**kig in the corner for 50 years. He pulled apart the lips of her c**t and pulled it on like a well-oiled sea-boot."

There was also some crystalline camel dung involved.

Surely the time has come for a definitive version to be compiled.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Leith
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM

This is a better version I think.

Daniel


In the beginning the Lord said, "Let there be light!" and there was light. You could see for bloody miles.

The Lord said, "Let there be rain!" and there was rain. It fair pissed down.

Now this was in the days of good King Anus, before the castration of Abercock, whenst Daniel wrote "Shit" upon the king's shield. Now in those far-off days it was no mean feat to write "shit" upon the king's shield.
So the king had Daniel cast into a den of ferocious lions. Whereupon Daniel shat a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide.
The king soon heard of this and said "What manner of man is this, who can shit a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide?"
The king commanded Daniel to come forth. Daniel slipped on a petrified lion's turd, came fifth and was disqualified. Picking up this fucking great turd, he flung it at the king.
"Shit!" Cried the king.
"Right first time" cried Daniel, "Drinks on the king!".
"Shit!" Cried the king again. 10,000 arseholes strained to their utmost for in those far-off days the king's word was law.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen.
"Fuck yourself" cried Daniel and threw her a candle.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen again. No one stirred but the lowest shit-shoveller in all the land who came forth prick in hand and drew her on like a worn out Russian boot.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess. 10 strong men were killed in the rush.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess again. Daniel came forth throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder saying, "Bring me my brass-bound buggery box. Bring me my copper-bound copulating canister. Bring me my potassium plated penis puller. Bring me my tungsten- tipped twat twitching tweezers."
It was about this time 10 ten vestal virgins came riding in on their menstrual cycles, singing the top pop tune of the week, "When Tools Rush In" It was at this time Goliath also did come down out of the mountains and taking one of these vestal virgins, he slept with her for 40 days and 40 nights upon the synagogue steps.
And after this time had passed she said to Goliath, "Goliath, Goliath, thou hast made me pregnant. What steps are thoust going to take?"
"Bloody great long ones," said Goliath and disappeared into the mountains never to be seen again.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,johnno
Date: 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM

It was Daniel in the Lion's den where he slew the lion, "shit" said the king and 40 thousand arseholes flashed in the noonday sun and shit flew at random, but random being a clever fucker, ducked, and the lot fell upon the queen, "Fuck me" said the queen and 20 thousand me and 4 mad dogs died in the rush, and the laugh was on the queen, and so was Daniel. "Let there be light" said Daniel, and you could see for fucking miles. Then Daniel went out of the land of Mesopotamia and he came upon the woman with whom he had lain and she said "Daniel, I am heavy with child, what steps are you going to take?" "Fucking great ones" said Daniel, and you couldn't see him for dust

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Curtwn
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM

This is the best I can remember of 'The Death of the 69,000'. I was in Turkey in 1962 when I came across it. There are many good things to be said for growing old (retiring and grandkids for instance), but memory is probably not one of them.



It was the night of the King's castration. He was given a ball, his left one.

All the counts, no-accounts and discounts were sitting around flinging camel turds, for bullshit was unheard of in those days.

Out strode the King in his diamond-studded jockey strap as turds were being flung at Random. But Random ducked and a turd hit the King full in the face.

"Shit", cried the King. And the whole nation squatted and groaned.

"Balls", cried the Queen for if I had two I'd become king".

The King laughed not because he wanted to, but because he didn't have two.

The King cried, "David come forth".

But David slipped on a camel turd and came in fifth.

"Whoa", cried David.

"What whoa", cried the King.

"Asshole", cried David. And scored one up for the common people.

Then David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "She's in bed with diphtheria".

David he say, "What, that Greek bastards back again?"

For this David was thrown in the lions den.

He grabbed the lion by the left nut.

The lion he say "That tickles".

David he say "What tickles".

The lion he say, "Testicles". And scored one up for the mangy beast.

Up his release from the lion's den again David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "Fuck the Queen".

And 69,000 were killed in the mad rush for in those days the King's word was the law.

Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,george
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I heard "Queen of the Goddam Isles" from an Australian Company Commander, in Japan, in 1946. the line was.....but "Bosun, cunning barstard that 'e were, paddled ashore in a latrine bucket"...