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Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...

DigiTrad:
DECK OF CARDS
JIM
RINDERCELLA
STORY OF PETEY, THE SNAKE
THE PEE LITTLE THRIGS


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GUEST,Del 19 Oct 05 - 05:10 AM
Cluin 19 Oct 05 - 06:24 AM
GUEST,Knave of Spades 21 Dec 05 - 06:36 PM
Naemanson 21 Dec 05 - 07:26 PM
GUEST,pavane 22 Dec 05 - 02:31 AM
GUEST,GUEST, bryan 13 Feb 06 - 04:36 PM
GUEST,JefJac 28 Jul 06 - 05:16 PM
GUEST,GUEST, STP 19 Nov 06 - 09:24 PM
Leadfingers 19 Nov 06 - 09:47 PM
Rowan 20 Nov 06 - 12:20 AM
GUEST 20 Nov 06 - 12:30 AM
fat B****rd 20 Nov 06 - 05:02 AM
Herga Kitty 20 Nov 06 - 06:23 PM
NH Dave 20 Nov 06 - 06:48 PM
NH Dave 20 Nov 06 - 06:52 PM
NH Dave 20 Nov 06 - 07:04 PM
GUEST,Russ Martin 30 May 07 - 10:37 PM
GUEST,need full version of "I was cruising down br 29 Jun 07 - 09:54 PM
GUEST,other things ive heard 01 Sep 07 - 04:44 AM
GUEST,Strad 01 Sep 07 - 10:42 AM
GUEST 09 Dec 07 - 11:55 PM
GUEST,Neil D 10 Dec 07 - 10:46 AM
GUEST,Zotzman 08 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM
pavane 08 Feb 08 - 11:21 AM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 08 Feb 08 - 03:09 PM
Stringsinger 08 Feb 08 - 03:39 PM
Jon Bartlett 09 Feb 08 - 01:28 PM
GUEST,An Olde Court Jester... 27 Mar 08 - 10:35 PM
pavane 28 Mar 08 - 07:54 AM
Escapee 29 Mar 08 - 12:15 AM
GUEST,Peter 11 Oct 08 - 09:54 AM
Tootler 12 Oct 08 - 12:41 AM
GUEST,felonor 05 Feb 09 - 12:54 PM
GUEST,Pontefractious 11 Feb 09 - 05:13 PM
GUEST,Frank 17 Mar 09 - 01:32 AM
pavane 17 Mar 09 - 05:19 AM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 17 Mar 09 - 02:17 PM
GUEST,Me 29 Mar 09 - 12:54 PM
GUEST,Me Again 29 Mar 09 - 01:02 PM
GUEST,bobilla 17 Aug 09 - 08:29 AM
Eric the Viking 18 Aug 09 - 06:58 AM
Lighter 18 Aug 09 - 08:24 AM
Bryn Pugh 11 Sep 09 - 10:21 AM
GUEST,peebeer 14 Dec 09 - 04:33 PM
Ruth Archer 13 Jan 10 - 06:48 AM
Bryn Pugh 13 Jan 10 - 10:22 AM
GUEST,george 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM
GUEST,Curtwn 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM
GUEST,johnno 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM
GUEST,Leith 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM
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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Del
Date: 19 Oct 05 - 05:10 AM

I have heard this before somewhere but rather than regarding Daniel it was about Isaac the court jester.Like everyone else i cant remember it all...

While walking in the wilderness one day Isaac came up on a fair maiden, who, indignantly cleaned herself and waltzed off.

Twas in this same wilderness isaac was set upon by bandits from the east. Bum bandits be they! Isaac was shagged ragged and debagged, being left sore and tore.

UPon walking in this same wilderness 9 mopnths later he came upon the same fair maidnen..twice.. sideways! The fair maiden said to Isaac " i am with your child dear isaac, what steps will you take? "fucking great big ones back to the castle" said isaac.

Meanwhile, back at the castle shit was being flung at random. Now random, being a sly bastard ducked and the shit hit the queen. "Well fuck me!" said the queen and 50 000 men were killed in the rush. All except the butler who was dipping his dick in yellow dessert. When asked to comment on the days' proceedings the butler replied "I'm fucking dis custard"...

(hope it helps or reminds someone of another verse. (anyone else heard of isaac the court jester?)


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Oct 05 - 06:24 AM

When the aliens arrived, we were unready.
   We were just sitting around the dinner table, mindlessly chattering when the knock came. With a welcoming smile, Grandpa went to the door, swung it open, and was instantly vaporized. Horrified, we watched our grandfather's ashes slowly settle to the floor. The door creaked shut.
   "Aliens!" Grandma whispered, looking at each of us in turn.
   A few moments of silence followed. And then, another knock.
   This time Grandma grabbed her dead husband's shotgun, signaled everyone of her intent, and crept quietly to the door. Her jaw was set and the kind eternal light had left her pale blue eyes; I saw the wild look of the vengeful she-wolf bent on protecting her cubs.
   Grandma suddenly flung the door open and I saw her quickly blast away with both rounds from the over-and under.
   When the smoke cleared, we all stood there in silence... looking down at the twisted and bloody body of Harold Schmidt, the mailman, his bag of letters scattered across the walkway and a C.O.D. parcel lying inches from his twitching fingers.
   "Who would've thought?" Grandma's voice said with a quiver. "Harold Schmidt!... a fucking alien!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Knave of Spades
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 06:36 PM

This is hilarious. I remember parts of this from Illinois Institute of Technology in the early 70s. In the version heard, about Dightheria, the king said, "What that f**king Greek is hear again." and Diphtheria had a line.

At some point the King said, "F**k the Queen." and it ended with, "and 50,000 peasants were crushed in the rush to f**k the Queen, for in those days the King's word was law."

LOL

Knavey


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Naemanson
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 07:26 PM

Somewhere I once heard,

Balls said the queen, if I had two I'd be king.
Balls, said the prince, I have two and I'm not king.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,pavane
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:31 AM

The link (to Llewtrah's bawdy site) given in 2001 (Jon Freeman's post) is no longer valid. I think Sarah moved her site some time ago.
There were indeed several versions there, none of which fully matches the version I remember from school (c1963)


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Subject: RE: Origins: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST, bryan
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 04:36 PM

the link

http://ingeb.org/Lieder/thenight.html


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Subject: RE: Origins: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,JefJac
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 05:16 PM

" Oh ,shit," said the King and 40,000 courtiers strained themselves upon the lawn for in those days the King's word was law and to disobey meant death.

Suddenly a lion grabbed Daniel by the left ball, " it tickles ,"said Daniel." "What tickles?" said the King. " Testicles," said Daniel, thereby scoring points for the common man.
" Roll over, " said the King. " I'll be fucked if I will", said the Queen. " You'll be corn-holed if you don't" said the King, thereby scoring points for the nobility.

I first heard bits of this from an Englishman nearly 40 years ago and would give anything to know more. Pass this on.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST, STP
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:24 PM

our father would resite blips and bits of thiswhile in his cups the fragments are as folows:

"twas the coronation of the king asshole friday. All the counts and noaccounts were there. The barons were in the courtyard throwing camel shit for bullshit had not been invented. Enter Daniel...
"...The king ordered Daniel to be thrown into the lions den. He called for the lions to come forth, they slipped in camel shit and came in fifth..."
"...Balls cried the queen,if I had them I'd be king."
"...the Queen,the Queen" cried the herald."Fuck the queen" said the king. Thus Daniel and and forty others were killed in the rush."
Coupled with others I believe we can concoct a passable rendition. Does anyone know the origin of this ditty? Our Father was in his prime in the 30's and 40'sif this can pin done a time frame.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:47 PM

Gawd !! memories of the NAAFI beer bar in Germany in 1961 !!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Rowan
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 12:20 AM

Jim Dixon's post above contains most of the lines I recall of this epic (and many I don't), which I first heard around 1960, in Melbourne. But where his version has

"This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot."

I recall
""This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save the Duke who, being a man of action and very few words, grabbed the Queen by the cheeks of her arse and drew her onto his dick like a wet Wellington boot."

I also recall most of the variations mentioned above of "They've torn down the pub!" from the same era and circumstances. I suspect the considerable variation in these epics (and others, such as "The bastard from the bush" is due to the fact that they were all orally tranmitted (now, there's an image) and aurally constructed, rather than written down.

Kel Watkins did a project about 20 years ago on what he called 'photocopied folklore'. I seem to recall that such items as "The sex life of an electron" (which was a narrative using all the technical terms used in basic electronics) displayed considerable variation when only typewriters were available to pass them on, and that this variation diminished when photocopiers came into frequent use in the 70s. Now that sources such as Jim's are now available digitally (another image to conjure with) I suspect the variation in these items will also diminish. Pity!

Cheers, Rowan


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 12:30 AM

If the rabbit hadn't stopped to shit,
he would've won the race.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fat B****rd
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 05:02 AM

The version I heard began with "And Daniel shat a mighty turd...."
Matthew Humberstone Foundation School, Cleethorpes, c. 1961.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:23 PM

And I suspect that the Jon Bartlett post was from the Ramskyte (now Wholehearted)JB?

Kitty


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:48 PM

From "Yay! - Boo"

   You can't sleep with our bar maids/waitresses. Boo!

   They won't let you sleep! Yay!

   We're gonna throw all of the beer in the river. Boo!

   (sung) Shall we gather at the river? Yay!

And finish up with a couple of rounds of, "Let's Have a Party" This is on one of Oscar Brand's Air Force Songs records. cf Immortalia.com

    Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:52 PM

One version of, T'was the night of the King's Castration is here on this folk site.

Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 07:04 PM

And here's another version of, T'was the night of the King's Castration, from the Immortalia site.

Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Russ Martin
Date: 30 May 07 - 10:37 PM

I didn't hear this as a song or rhyme. It was told to me by a buddy named Joe Huff, from Childress, Texas, when I was a sophomore in college--that would be about 40 years ago.

----------------

It was back in the days of counts, no-counts, and discounts. We were sitting around the square table shooting camel turds. (Bullshit in those days was unheard of.)

Shit was flying at random. Random ducked. The shit hit the King. "Shit!" said the King. And 20,000 peasants squatted and strained, for in those days, the King's word was law.

The scene shifts to the royal bedroom.

"Roll over!" said the King. "I'll be fucked if I do," said the Queen. "You'll be cornholed if you don't," said the King.

"Balls," said the Queen, and the King laughed because he had two.

"By the way," said the King, "where is the Princess?" "The Princess," said the Queen, "is out with the Duke."

"WHAT?" said the King. "You mean the Princess prefers the dirty dangling dick of the Danish duke to the purple precious penis of the Persian prince?"

"Yes," said the Queen.

"Fuck the Duke," said the King.

And 20,000 peasants were killed in the rush, for in those days, the King's word was law.

And besides, ass was scarce.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,need full version of "I was cruising down br
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 09:54 PM

I was cruising down broadway one warm summers night when a tender young maiden hove into sight. I hoisted my flags to which she replied: I'm a tender young dumboat going out with the tide. I took her in tow down a causeway not so neat to a room at the end of the street.We went to a room where she laid her lily white hand on my flowing jib boom. We tossed and turned when she let out a cry: Sailor, your doing me harm, your in the wrong port. Wrong port hell, any port in a storm. I think there is more, but I cant remember it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,other things ive heard
Date: 01 Sep 07 - 04:44 AM

there stood the princess with her beautiful blue eyes one blew left and one blew right and when she cried tears ran down her back.with her luxious black hair hanging from her arm pits.andshe had ears like petals bicycle pedals.she was waring a gownless evening strap and her open toed football boots.                                          i heard this from my grand father it was very similar to the kings castration because he would start it with .SHIT cried the king and a thousand warriors strained. but he only knew a few verses .another thing he used to say was when you asked him how long ago he,d say (back when jesus christ played halfback for the jeruselum giants


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Strad
Date: 01 Sep 07 - 10:42 AM

After the thieves had finished with Daniel he went on his way in the desert singing "Twinkle, twinkle little rectum, Big prick come when least expectum"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 11:55 PM

The version of "The King's Castration I heard started thus:

'Twas the night of the King's Castration,
'Twas the night of the King's last ball.

All the cunts and cuntesses stood around camel-shitting
as bull-shitting hadn't been invewnted yet.

Where's The QUeen? the Bishop cried
Fuck the Queen, the King said
and 5000 duitiful subjects quickly jumped on and ravished the queen


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 10:46 AM

My dad used to say 'Balls" said the Queeen because she wanted two.
The King laughed because he had two.
   He also used to say "I gave her an organ for Christmas, and boy the look on her face when she saw those two nuts come pushing it in."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Zotzman
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...I'd be King...

The King laughed because he had two... The Queen cried because she wanted two...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 11:21 AM

Wasn't that said at the very start of this thread?
Are balls related to a circular argument?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:09 PM

I have nothing new to add to this list, but I surely advantaged my sophomoric self of many of these hoary old items in my misspent youth. I salute the horde of scatologists who precede me. AMEN


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Stringsinger
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:39 PM

"Bollocks" cried the Queen "and if I had some I'd be Queen Elizabeth!"

Queen Lizzie had been known for her scatalogical references and to put it crudely, "fart jokes".

"If I had three, I would be a pawnshop."

Frank


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 09 Feb 08 - 01:28 PM

No, I am not "the Jon/John Bartlett who was in the U-Conn Outing Club in the 1950's", (Guest Allan S., 21 Sept 05) nor am I the "Ramskyte (now Wholehearted) JB?" (Herga Kitty, 20 Nov 06). I am the ex-Vancouver, now Princeton BC Jon Bartlett. Sorry to be so long answering!

Jon Bartlett


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,An Olde Court Jester...
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 10:35 PM

Following is the entire version I heard recited by Francis Bacon (Not the "Sir Francis Bacon" you're thinking of) on our high school band bus years ago...

T'was the night of the King's Castration and the King was giving a Ball...his left one.

The Queen had said "I want to be King too!", and so the King agreed...not because he had to, but because he had two!

But when the King said "Ball"...well, everyone did, so there was a population explosion in the land.

So the King summonned forth David, but David slipped on a lion's turd and came fifth...

"Ho!" said David.
"What Ho?" asked the King.
"Ass Ho!" replied David.
Chalk one up for the common people.

For his insolence, David was thrown into the lion's den...
As a lion crept upon him, David grabbed him by the balls.

"That tickles!" said the lion.
"What tickles?" asked David.
"Testicles!" replied the lion.
Chalk one up for the mangey beast.

Meanwhile, the knights were merrily stacking camel turds upon the round table, as bullshit had not yet been invented.

Shit flew at random. Random ducked. Shit hit the King.

"Shit!" yelled the King. And the King's word being law in those days, there was a mass movement throughout the land.

Later that night in the Royal Bedchamber, "Roll over!" said the King.
"Fu@#ed if I will!" said the Queen. "Yes, indeed! But corn holed if you don't!" said the King.

As it came out, the Queen got it in

The End...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 07:54 AM

Surely 'The king said come forth... but David... came fifth' otherwise it doesn't make sense


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Escapee
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 12:15 AM

Twats that? I cunt hear you.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Peter
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 09:54 AM

I recall a geologist friend reciting at length a version of "Twas a dark and stormy night" in Cape Town, Tavern of the Seas, in '74 or so.

Fragments I remember:

"But the bosun, crafty bastard what 'ee were, stole the longboat

The Witchdoctor balanced ....

Then Lord Charles ... balanced ..

But the Bosun, crafty bastard what 'e were, .. balanced ... one witchdoctor, .. and four packets of Woodbines, the best cigarettes, the finest cigarettes, .... (That seems to have been an ad slogan, which should date this version.

The island king's dusky and beautiful daughters were Sophilis and Gonorea

Anyone know the rest?

If not I will email the lad, currently in Madagascar, and ask if he can recall the whole thing, and where he got it.

His best was "Liza is my baby, from Sophiatown." Now Soweto.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Tootler
Date: 12 Oct 08 - 12:41 AM

I remember "Daniel" from my time at University. The version I knew began something like this:

"In days of old when knights were bold, someone wrote "Arseholes" upon the scroll of honour. At this the King was sore angered and did call forth his courtiers and after many days mating and mutually mass debating, they did decide beyond all doubt that 'twas Daniel who had done the dirty deed and did cast him into the Lions den..."

The next bit is much like has been posted previously but further on there was this:

"...and the King did banish Daniel to the desert and Daniel went forth and came unto the Waxy Flaxy Maiden. She, seeing him came unto Daniel and said 'Daniel, Daniel, wilt thou lie with this night?' 'Verily' said Daniel and he lay with her. In the morning, Daniel did arise and went on his way. After wandering in the desert for forty days and forty nights, Daniel came once more unto the Waxy Flaxy Maiden who, seeing him, did come unto him and said 'Daniel, Daniel, I am forty days and forty nights with child! What steps art thou going to take?' 'Bloody great big ones!' said Daniel and departed coming once more unto the city where Daniel did spy the King. Daniel took up a lump of crystalline camel turd and did cast it at the King, striking him square between the eyes. 'Shot', said Daniel. 'Shit', said the King..." and the rest you already know.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,felonor
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 12:54 PM

I had an old friend who would recite the whole thing, line by line and verse by verse. Of course we were drunk at the time and I could never remember it afterward. I do remember that it was all very much like the above but that it ended with the King saying, "I wouldnt send a Knight out on a dog like this..."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Pontefractious
Date: 11 Feb 09 - 05:13 PM

current at my school in Cambridge, England in the 1950s -

Shit said the King and a thousand arseholes strained.
Stop said the King and a thousand turds were nipped in the bud.
For in those days, the King's word was law

also (in a broad Yorkshire accent):

And God said unto Ahab - go forth into t' desert
And Ahab went forth into t' desert.
And whilst in t' desert, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said -
Wilt thou tarry with me here ? And Ahab said - Yea, I will!.
And it came to pass that Ahab tarried for forty days and forty nights. And on forty first day, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said - Lo ! I am great with child. What steps wilt thou take ? and Ahab said - Bloody great big ones, and buggered off into t' desert.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:32 AM

The first time I heard this was in Memphis TN while in Navy jet school - 1969


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 05:19 AM

Someone actually wrote a Science Fiction short story (1950's or 60s?)about an era (Parallel history? British Empire in space) when spaceship pilots were all knighted as part of the job. One became stranded on a planet where the local transport was (you guessed it) large mutant dogs.

His quote, when offered one to ride : "You wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like this".
Memo: Must track down the story!

On the subject of the Saga of Daniel, there are many versions, and like the postings above, most have only part of the whole saga.

Has any historian tracked down a full and coherent version, I wonder. Jim Dixon's, above, still doesn't have everything that I remember, and is different in some details.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 02:17 PM

I think the only line I ever heard (of this genre)that was not printed somewhere above had to do with "And fifty thousand loyal subjects dropped their chain-mail pants!" What a trove of true scatalogical pearls!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Me
Date: 29 Mar 09 - 12:54 PM

The bits I remember:

On the day of the passover of the castration of the camels,
Daniel set forth to masturbate
On the way he was set upon by thieves
These were not ordinary thieves
These were bum chum thieves
They ragged him, bagged him and shagged him
And left him on the roadside to die.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Me Again
Date: 29 Mar 09 - 01:02 PM

But wait there's more:

But Daniel did not die
He made his way to Babylon
Where he was arrested for painting arseholes on the palace walls
He was taken before the king
(something I don't remember)
The king cried "shit"
And 40 000 arseholes heaved in strain
The king cried "stop"
And 40 000 prime turds were nipped in the bud

That's it as far as I can remember. It was a long time ago and far far away ...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,bobilla
Date: 17 Aug 09 - 08:29 AM

The scraps I remember from forestry camps around Melbourne in the late sixties were all supposed to be from a saga called "Daniel in the Lions Den", but the story revolved around the one-up-manship of the bosun, "cunning bugger that he was" paddling ashore in a sanitary can and balancing the witchdoctor etc and one packet of WD & HO Wills, the only cigarette in place of Woodbine, as above....

....Together with the the exhortations of the ladies of the court;

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess.
"What, again?" moaned the Duke, wiping his prick on the tablecloth...

"Fuck me" cried the Queen and a giant Nubian slave slipped her on like a glove.

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess but no-one moved save one old sailor who, grabbing her by the scruff of the cunt, pulled her on like a well worn seaboot.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 06:58 AM

Having re-read this today I'm suprised I didn't comment before. I thought and remember from the late 60's that it started:,P>Twas in the days of good king Azimiarse the first that the words bollocks was found written on the palace doors and the king being in a foul mood, roared. "Who has done this foul deed?". One spotty faced little man playing with himself in the corner shouted, "Daniel". "Lo", said the king. "Let Daniel be sent for" and so it goes on with many of the variations written above incorporated into the monologue. Such bits as. "Shit", said the King etc. "Fuck me" said the queen and 1000 men were trampled in the rush. "Fuck me" cried the queen mother and nobody moved except one old man who'd been wanking off under his cloak. etc.

I though Micca might have written it down as it was from the same college that we both went to that I heard it, possibly from him or we both knew someone who knew it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Lighter
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 08:24 AM

I too heard once heard the complete "Daniel" story - from a Tennessean who would have made a good Charles Dickens character if Dickens had wanted an X-rating. It was over thirty years ago.

I mention it because most of the upthread recollections seem to be from the other side of one ocean or another.

I was clever enough to write it down at the time and may still have it. If I find it, I'll post it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 10:21 AM

. . . and lo ! It came to pass that Daniel shat a great turd, eight cubits and three spans in size, and the lions were sore afraid.

And it came to pass that the king came down to the lions' den to see what manner of man cound survive there.

And Daniel Seized his turd and threw it at random. That crafty fucker Random ducked and the tyrd hit the king.

"Shut !" cries the king

"Riight first time ! "cries Daniel, and the drinks were on the King.

And the king wrought exceeeding wrath.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,peebeer
Date: 14 Dec 09 - 04:33 PM

The dukes a long time coming today, remarked the duchess, stirring her tea with her other hand. Fuck me! said the queen. not while there's dogs in the street, replied the king.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Ruth Archer
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 06:48 AM

I found out last night through the wonder of Facebook that an old friend, who I have not seen in over 20 years, passed away some time ago. His name was Ivan Selwood, and he was one of the funniest people I have ever known (and bloody infuriating into the bargain). He was a raconteur of epic proportions, an utterly larger-than-life figure, and his songs and recitations were the stuff of legend in the ex-pat pubs round Hollywood. He was from England originally, and apparently returned here to live about 15 years ago. In the unlikely event that any Mudcatters ever came across him (in the Luton area, possibly), I'd love to hear from them.

I had long been looking for the source of one of his recitations, which we called The Bosun. Incredibly, when I put some of the words I could remember into google last night after learning of his death, it led me straight to Mudcat (what are the chances of that happening, eh?) and this thread, which I have noticed previously but never opened. I found that Snuffy had posted a version of The Bosun in 2001. So here, cobbled from Snuffy's post and what I can remember from over 20 years ago, is my feeble reconstruction of Ivan's version, in his memory. The bits in brackets are audience participation - everyone in the pub shouts them out.

I just know that wherever he is, he's propping up the bar, pint in one hand and a pouch of Drum tobacco in the other, telling stories and singing songs and playing that bloody awful version of Carrickfergus on the mandolin (I can hear him now: "You what? What a diabolical fucking liberty!").


The Bosun

It was the third day of the third week of the third month of 1833
When we set sail for those Goddamn Isles.
The ship was tossing on the ocean
And likewise the crew within their bunks.
But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Took the ship's only longboat
And rowed to the nearest of those Goddamn Isles
Where they were holding the Feast of the Festering Foreskin

Into the ring jumped the King (a dirty sod)
The Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And likewise the King's two beautiful daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)

Whosoever shall bring forth the longest penis
Said the King (a dirty sod)
Shall have tea with my daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)
Not Typhoo Tea
Not Mazawattee Tea
But C-U-N-T

Into the ring jumped the Witch Doctor
And proceeded to draw forth twelve and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Two occasional tables
Three mahagonay armchairs
Four packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean).

But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Strode into the ring, and titivating his penis
Between the thumb and forefinger
Of his right hand, caused that member to expand to enoooormous proportions,
Upon which he proceeded to balance
One Witch Doctor
Four occasional tables
Five mahagonay armchairs
Six packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean)

"Shit" said the King (a dirty sod)
And forty thousand loyal arses heaved and strained with all their majestic might
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Stop" said the Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And forty thousand long, black, coiled, spirally turds hung in mid-suspension
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Fuck Me" said the Princess
And sixty thousand chickens and one mangy dog were killed in the crush
And the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Lay with her for forty days and forty nights

...And that's about all I remember.



Cheers, Ivan.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 10:22 AM

And Daniel lay with the mais and came across her. Daniel woke and inquired of the mais "What time is it ?" : and the mais replied "It is five bells on the forenoon watch".   "Fuck me" said Danile, "I've done it again".

And Daniel did go unto the dockyard gates of the dockyards of Chatham and Portsmouth. And did the killick of the working party inquired of him "Daniel, where hast thou been?".

And Daniel did reply "Verily, I have been fucking".

And the killick of the working party did say "If thou hast been fucking Verily, produce thine organ".

And Daniel drew from his britches a dick the pride of the Navy, the sight of which caused the mainbrace to be spliced, a great cheer to rise from the assembled ships and a rally on the bosun's pipe.

"Squeeze, Daniel, squeeze" quoth the killick of the working party.

So he squeezed and he squoze and a bubble arose.

"Daniel" quoth the killick of the working party "Thou has contracted a disease, no ordinary disease but a social disease. Therefore must thou sojourne in the desert for forty days and forty nights".

And so it came to pass that Daniel did unto the desert go. And there he was set upon by bandits, no ordinary banditd, but arse bandits who scragged him, debagged him and shagged him, and sent him on his way rejoicing, with his pockets jingling and his arsehole tingling.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,george
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I heard "Queen of the Goddam Isles" from an Australian Company Commander, in Japan, in 1946. the line was.....but "Bosun, cunning barstard that 'e were, paddled ashore in a latrine bucket"...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Curtwn
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM

This is the best I can remember of 'The Death of the 69,000'. I was in Turkey in 1962 when I came across it. There are many good things to be said for growing old (retiring and grandkids for instance), but memory is probably not one of them.



It was the night of the King's castration. He was given a ball, his left one.

All the counts, no-accounts and discounts were sitting around flinging camel turds, for bullshit was unheard of in those days.

Out strode the King in his diamond-studded jockey strap as turds were being flung at Random. But Random ducked and a turd hit the King full in the face.

"Shit", cried the King. And the whole nation squatted and groaned.

"Balls", cried the Queen for if I had two I'd become king".

The King laughed not because he wanted to, but because he didn't have two.

The King cried, "David come forth".

But David slipped on a camel turd and came in fifth.

"Whoa", cried David.

"What whoa", cried the King.

"Asshole", cried David. And scored one up for the common people.

Then David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "She's in bed with diphtheria".

David he say, "What, that Greek bastards back again?"

For this David was thrown in the lions den.

He grabbed the lion by the left nut.

The lion he say "That tickles".

David he say "What tickles".

The lion he say, "Testicles". And scored one up for the mangy beast.

Up his release from the lion's den again David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "Fuck the Queen".

And 69,000 were killed in the mad rush for in those days the King's word was the law.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,johnno
Date: 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM

It was Daniel in the Lion's den where he slew the lion, "shit" said the king and 40 thousand arseholes flashed in the noonday sun and shit flew at random, but random being a clever fucker, ducked, and the lot fell upon the queen, "Fuck me" said the queen and 20 thousand me and 4 mad dogs died in the rush, and the laugh was on the queen, and so was Daniel. "Let there be light" said Daniel, and you could see for fucking miles. Then Daniel went out of the land of Mesopotamia and he came upon the woman with whom he had lain and she said "Daniel, I am heavy with child, what steps are you going to take?" "Fucking great ones" said Daniel, and you couldn't see him for dust


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Leith
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM

This is a better version I think.

Daniel


In the beginning the Lord said, "Let there be light!" and there was light. You could see for bloody miles.

The Lord said, "Let there be rain!" and there was rain. It fair pissed down.

Now this was in the days of good King Anus, before the castration of Abercock, whenst Daniel wrote "Shit" upon the king's shield. Now in those far-off days it was no mean feat to write "shit" upon the king's shield.
So the king had Daniel cast into a den of ferocious lions. Whereupon Daniel shat a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide.
The king soon heard of this and said "What manner of man is this, who can shit a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide?"
The king commanded Daniel to come forth. Daniel slipped on a petrified lion's turd, came fifth and was disqualified. Picking up this fucking great turd, he flung it at the king.
"Shit!" Cried the king.
"Right first time" cried Daniel, "Drinks on the king!".
"Shit!" Cried the king again. 10,000 arseholes strained to their utmost for in those far-off days the king's word was law.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen.
"Fuck yourself" cried Daniel and threw her a candle.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen again. No one stirred but the lowest shit-shoveller in all the land who came forth prick in hand and drew her on like a worn out Russian boot.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess. 10 strong men were killed in the rush.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess again. Daniel came forth throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder saying, "Bring me my brass-bound buggery box. Bring me my copper-bound copulating canister. Bring me my potassium plated penis puller. Bring me my tungsten- tipped twat twitching tweezers."
It was about this time 10 ten vestal virgins came riding in on their menstrual cycles, singing the top pop tune of the week, "When Tools Rush In" It was at this time Goliath also did come down out of the mountains and taking one of these vestal virgins, he slept with her for 40 days and 40 nights upon the synagogue steps.
And after this time had passed she said to Goliath, "Goliath, Goliath, thou hast made me pregnant. What steps are thoust going to take?"
"Bloody great long ones," said Goliath and disappeared into the mountains never to be seen again.


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