BS: First Joke Thread of 2014

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:38 PM

The Honest Husband

A married man and his secretary were having
a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't
contain their passion, so they rushed over to
her place, where they spent the afternoon
making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep and didn't wake up
until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told
his secretary to take his shoes outside and
rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did
as he asked (thinking he was pretty weird).

The man finally got home, and his wife met
him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd
been. The man replied "I cannot tell a lie. My
secretary and I are having an affair. Today we
left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's
why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes
and said, "I can see those are grass stains on
your shoes. YOU BLOODY LIAR!!! You've been
playing golf again, haven't you!?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:44 PM

"How Many Kids?"

Some newly married friends were visiting us
when the topic of children came up. The bride
said she wanted three children, while the young
husband said two would be enough for him; there'd
be no third.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few
minutes until the husband thought he'd put
an end to things by saying boldly, "After our
second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride
retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third
one as if it's your own."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Don Firth
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 03:17 PM

Two old college chums met after many years. As they sat on the front porch and watched the host's eight kids playing in the big front yard, the visitor decided to twit his old friend a bit.

"Remember our discussions of the population explosion when we were back in college? You said that every couple should have the right to replace their own number, but that it would be irresponsible to have more than that because you'd be contributing to the overpopulation? Well?" he said, nodding toward the kids in the front yard.

"Well," responded the host, "my wife and I did have two kids, then we made up our minds not to have any more. But—" and he pointed to pairs of kids—"those two are pull-outs, those two are washouts, and those two are blowouts!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 05:51 AM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 09:00 AM

How Cold Is It? (Where?)

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65F Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60F Californians put on sweaters (if they can
find one)
* 50F Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45F Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40F You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
* 35F Italian cars don't start
* 32F Water freezes
* 30F You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25F Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
* 20F Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15F French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10F You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5F American cars don't start
* 0F Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build
an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the
homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
* -25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
* -40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 09:19 AM

The San Francisco Way

The company boss goes up to his four employees, and he's got a serious look on his face.

"I'm really sorry," he says, "but revenues are way down, and I'm going to have to lay one of you off."

The black employee speaks first. "Can't be me. I'm a protected minority."

The female employee says, "Can't be me. I'm a woman."

The senior employee says, "It better not be me: I'll file an age discrimination suit so fast you'll wish you were never born."

And so one by one, they all turn to look at the last employee: a young, white male.

They figure he's doomed, but then he speaks.

"I think," he says, "I might be gay...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 10:55 AM

The foreman notices that Chan, normally a happy Hong-Kong-Chinese guy with a big smile on his face, has been looking a bit down for a few days. So, he takes him aside and says "I sometimes get a bit downcast as well, but I find that if I go home at lunchtime and make love with my wife, I cheer up pretty quickly. Maybe you ought to try that".

Chan nods and checks his watch. A bit later he leaves work and returns after an hour, with a really big smile on his face.

"Well,", says the foreman, "what d'you think?"

Chan ponders and replies:



















"You have lovely home".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 14 - 10:35 AM

"How to Get a Divorce"

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a
marathon with numerous guests coming and
going. At one point, a man knocked on the
door, was greeted heartily though no one knew
who he was, and was led to the bar in the
basement.

He sat there happily for about an hour before
a strange light dawned on his face.

"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't
even invited to this party. I just came over to
tell you that some of your guests' cars are
blocking my driveway. My wife's been sitting
out in the car waiting for me to get them
moved."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 09:43 AM

"How Women Get What They Want" (More Later)

Women are under the illusion they don't have
to ask men for anything - that if the man really
loved her, he would automatically and
instinctively know what she needed. Right!
As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you
were in the room, let alone knew what you
were feeling. A woman has a better chance of
finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than
finding a man who knows what she is going
through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed -
like they're her knight in shining armor.
Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like
her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore,
it is important that a woman ask a man
directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He
is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a
map, how's he going to read a mind?

(Continued in our next. Probably later this week.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 09:45 AM

"How To Ask A Man To Do Something"

Always remember these six important rules
when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and
line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to
two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer
to cook him something that doesn't have a
peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for 55
minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd
better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Bert
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 10:02 AM

And don't forget - Do NOT ask him to do something when he's in another room, and then come back later and say "But I TOLD YOU!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 14 - 12:25 PM

Two Prostitutes

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

    Two Prostitutes -- $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

    Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

    Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Jan 14 - 02:13 AM

A businessman wants a new secretary, & employs a shrink to help him choose from the three shortlisted candidates.

"What are 2+2?" he asks the first.

"4," she promptly replies.

"Thank you. Send in the next girl please."

"What are 2+2?"

"22" she replies.

The third replies, "Could be 4 or could be 22."

"Right," sez psych to his hirer. "Now the first one gives a straightforward accurate answer. The second suspects a catch and answers accordingly. The third means to cover all possibilities. Now, which one will you give the job to?"









The boss did not hesitate.
"That one with the big tits," he replied immediately.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: PHJim
Date: 13 Jan 14 - 11:32 PM

A grocery clerk was busy stacking cans when a woman tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Could you tell me where the broccoli is?"
"I'm sorry Ma'am," said the clerk, "but we're all out of broccoli."
The woman went back to her shopping and the clerk went back to stacking cans.
A few minutes later the clerk felt another tap on the shoulder and the woman said, "Excuse me, but I still can't seem to find the broccoli."
"We don't have any more broccoli Ma'am, but there should be plenty tomorrow."
The clerk went back to stacking the cans, but, sure enough in about five minutes he felt another tap on the shoulder.
"Could you please help me find the broccoli," asked the woman.
"Yes, but first, could you answer a couple of questions for me?" asked the clerk.
The woman agreed and the clerk asked, "How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
"C-A-T," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "Now how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?"
"D-O-G," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "And how do you spell fuck as in broccoli?"
"There's no fuck in broccoli," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jan 14 - 08:16 AM

As a farm boy sees it........


A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,

"No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...then say's,

"You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 08:45 AM

A TOUCHING LOVE STORY…

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,

And she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke……and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 12:49 PM

What a surprisingly mysoginistic collection of jokes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,grumpy
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 01:32 PM

... or even misogynistic!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 01:41 PM

I don't see the point in gnu's story above of the woman's being 80. Why that? What had her age to do with the punchline? I must admit that I have a sort of Aristotelian attitude to jokes, that everything should be relevant to the narrative if they are to be fully effective. I know that over-analysis can be fatal to any joke thread; but I still don't see what her age had to do with it.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 03:21 PM

I should have thought the relevance of the age, was that the judge felt sorry for her , being elderly, and accordingly was ....we presume...lenient.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 03:49 PM

I wouldn't call a jail term, however short, for a first recorded offence of pinching one can of fruit for a supermarket, 'lenient'.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:00 PM

FUCK ME! I copied and pasted a joke. Most jokes I read or hear, I change... I tweak... to fit my telling style. 80% of the time, MY tweak is far better.

So... here's a thought... go tweak yourselves. No joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:22 PM

Nowhere in the joke does it say it was a first offence.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:37 PM

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord." This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "there is no Lord." One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, "praise the Lord, who gave me this food." The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed "it wasn't the Lord, it was me." The lady without missing a beat screamed "praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 06:53 PM

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 06:57 PM

This is purported to be a true story of an eighty-year-old Mississippi man who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 07:00 PM

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 09:34 AM

This guy escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, then tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 09:45 AM

Samantha Cameron goes to see her psychiatrist.
"Psychiatrist, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The psychiatrist asked, "What's wrong?"
Samantha replied, "My husband is poisoning me."
The psychiatrist, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Samantha then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain he's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The psychiatrist then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to him,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the psychiatrist calls Samantha and says, "Well, I spoke to your husband.
I spoke to him on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Samantha anxiously says, "Yes.        - "Take the poison," says the psychiatrist.


Best wishes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 10:49 AM

"Please, Sir, may I have the day off tomorrow? My grandmother is dead."

"But didn't you have a day off last month because your grandmother was dead?"

"Yes, Sir. She's still dead, Sir."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 12:01 PM

I like that.

Once upon a time their were two rabbits - look how mwny their are now

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 01:12 PM

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .

"Your Holiness ", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honoured to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"And what's the bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 02:41 PM

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.



The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.



Court is adjourned!"



You gotta love a Judge that knows

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 06:06 AM

The thing about jokes is - you either laugh or you don't - that's it really

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 08:47 AM

Mr Squeezer - is that story real or a constructed joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 09:25 AM

According to

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/atheist.asp

and a few other debunking sites it's a constructed joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 09:51 AM

My favourites on this thread are the indignant posts with no punch line. You don't take a cat apart to see how it works.

The problem with jokes is that they have to compete with the best joke on the world, as relayed by Morecambe and Wise. Ernie Wise said "it's nice out." Eric Morecambe said "Is it ? I think I'll get mine out."

Still laughing, forty years on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 10:06 AM

Have posted above that 'you either laugh or you don't'
you can see who might laugh and who might not at this:

The £50 Note
Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Kind Conservative and a Nasty Conservative are walking down the street. They see a £50 note lying on the ground. Who gets it?

A: The Nasty Conservative, of course. The other three are fictional.

But then a quick change of one or two character would make different people laugh.

Although perhaps the reason for laughing my not be quite the same as in non-political jokes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: PHJim
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 07:28 PM

Peter The Squeezer's joke has a judge using a bible quote to prove that an atheist has a holiday. That seems a little unfair doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 08:05 PM

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master." The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. "What's wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 04:49 AM

Clever and funny

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:09 AM

Oh, Mudpeople! Please *stop* commenting on jokes. It's a *jokes* thread, geddit? They are *jokes*! We'll individually decide whether or not to laugh at them and we don't need *your* opinions, keep 'em to yourselves and stop wasting bandwidth on this pernicious practice. Even if we have lots of it to spare, these days.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:18 AM

A day without sunshine is like night.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Van
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:09 PM

A day without moonshine is like hell

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:51 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 12:15 AM

Oh, don't be such a fossil, Fossil.

Prescriptiveness is forbidden on threads!

♩♩ So Fossil I do
When you
Are far away ♩♩
[after] Irving Berlin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 03:57 AM

Dear MGM - get on, not on most of the threads on 'ere; prescriptiveness seems to be de rigeur! However, if you really want to explain to me why you find something funny, you go right ahead. I bet you wouldn't do it in the pub...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 04:02 AM

Old Joe, a staunch member of the yacht club, fell off the pontoon and drowned. At the funeral, we buried him in a flotation jacket. Well, it's what he would have wanted....!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 06:24 AM

He was buried at sea then?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 08:58 AM

"Spotted Owl"

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get
a good view of her land so she started to climb
the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor. He listened to her story then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She sat and waited for three
hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jan 14 - 04:51 PM

Ethnic Wit

(NB The following have been ethnically cleansed so as not to cause offence)

(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offence at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

##################################

(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jan 14 - 05:41 PM

I like 2, but in 1, the two his' after corroborate have unclear referents so I didn't get the pun...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jan 14 - 06:00 PM

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jan 14 - 08:11 PM

The teenager went to the doctor because she had lots of congestion. The doctor applied the stethoscope to her upper back and said, "Big breaths, big breaths." She replied, "Yeth, and I'm only thiksteen."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 14 - 10:59 AM

The Pet Shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 31 Jan 14 - 06:12 AM

Cartoon in the paper yesterday, set in a pet shop. Two parrots for sale, one £120, the other £10.50.

Customer: Why is this one so cheap?

Cheap Parrot: What the f*ck has it got to do with you?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 31 Jan 14 - 09:20 AM

Oh, we're on to parrot jokes:-

Bride insists on bringing parrot on honeymoon. Bridegroom asides to parrot that he'd better keep his back turned if he doesn't want his cage darkened the whole time. "OK, boss" sez parrot and turns his back.

All well till trouble with overfull suitcase when time to go home.

Bride: I'll get on top and push down.

Bridegroom: No good. I'll get on top & push down... Phewww!!! ~~ Still no good. We'll both have to get on top and push down.

Parrot: Honeymoon or no honeymoon -- this I've got to see!

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 14 - 09:00 AM

"Lawyers & Doctors"

Three old college roommates got together
regularly over the years, even though their
professional lives differed widely. One had
become an attorney, one a professor of Italian
literature, and the third a zoologist.

When they next met they were pretty gloomy,
and it turned out that each had been told by
his doctor that he had only six weeks to live.
Understandably, the conversation turned to
the way in which each intended to live out his
last days.

"I'm going to Tanzania," said the zoologist. "I've
always wanted to see the rare mountain gorilla
in its native habitat."

"Italy for me. I want to see where Dante was
born, to be buried near the great man. And
you?" asked the professor, turning to the third
friend. "What would you like to see?"

"Another doctor," said the attorney.


------------

"Doctors & Lawyers"

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car accident,
and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly, neither of the professionals is hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, the lawyer says to the
doctor, "There's nothing left, but we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God. God must have
meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days."

The doctor replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God."

And look at this," the lawyer says, "here's another
miracle! My car is completely demolished yet this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

He then hands the bottle to the doctor, who takes
a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back. The
lawyer takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap on. The doctor asks, "Aren't you going to take
a drink?"

"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Feb 14 - 06:01 PM

A doctor, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a drink, and the topic of conversation is: Is it better to have a wife, or a mistress? A wife, says the doctor: there are various diseases you are somewhat more likely to get from a mistress. A mistress, says the lawyer, because then, if it doesn't work out, you don't have the agony of a divorce. A wife *and* a mistress, says the physicist, because then, when your wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do *physics*.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Feb 14 - 10:06 AM

"For The Love Of..."

We had made some changes in our lives.
My husband had lost 50 pounds and after
eight years of being a housewife, I had
taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at
work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today,
dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so
much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 14 - 01:13 PM

The reason that the prolifers and prochoicers can't talk is that nobody is willing to discuss the elephant in the womb.

-Stolen from this very forum

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 02:39 PM

"At The Gates Of Heaven"

St Peter becomes aware of a man standing
outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and
down.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

"No, it's all right. This won't be long." And he
distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs
and paces on.

St. Peter gives it another five minutes and asks
again.

The man stops and says, "Look, you know
I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone
please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Options"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in
a terrible car accident. They were all brought
to the same emergency room, but all three
of them died before they arrived. Just as they
were about to put the toe tag on the American,
he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished,
the doctors and nurses present asked him
what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the
crash, and then there was a beautiful light,
and then the Canadian and the Scot and I
were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and that for a donation of $50,
we could return to the earth.

So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave
him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors,
"But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American,
"the Scot was haggling over the price and
the Canadian was waiting for the government
to pay for his."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 03:16 PM

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in a shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychiatrist five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 03:22 PM

"At The Gates Of Heaven"

St Peter becomes aware of a man standing
outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and
down.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

"No, it's all right. This won't be long." And he
distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs
and paces on.

St. Peter gives it another five minutes and asks
again.

The man stops and says, "Look, you know that
I'm dead. And I know that I'm dead. Will someone
please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Options"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in
a terrible car accident. They were all brought
to the same emergency room, but all three
of them died before they arrived. Just as they
were about to put the toe tag on the American,
he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished,
the doctors and nurses present asked him
what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the
crash, and then there was a beautiful light,
and then the Canadian and the Scot and I
were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and that for a donation of $50,
we could return to the earth.

So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave
him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors,
"But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American,
"the Scot was haggling over the price and
the Canadian was waiting for the government
to pay for his."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 06:30 PM

I am reminded of the three old Native American women sitting around outside their teepees or wigwams or hogans or whatever, bragging on their sons. See this leopard skin I'm sitting on? asks the first old lady. My son went all the way to Africa to wrestle the leopard and get me this skin. Well, said the second old lady, see this jaguar skin I'm sitting on? My son went all the way to Africa to wrestle this jaguar to get me the skin. There was a pause. They both looked at the third old lady, who said, See this hippo I'm sitting on? *I* went and got this hippo, all the way from Africa, by myself.
And what does that prove?
That the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Van
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 10:19 PM

Try to find a jaguar in Africa!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Feb 14 - 11:24 PM

Jaguar = panther= leopard (regional variations in the term, not so much the animal ;))

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 14 - 09:22 AM

"Genie and A Genius Husband"

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very
exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very
careful when you drive the ball: Don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the
window of the biggest house on the course. The
husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out
for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize
and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard
a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the
floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that
was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle.
You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep
the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want ten million
dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem; it's the least I could do. And you,
what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the
wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she
said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I
haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand
years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we
did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey.
I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife.)

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her
for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled
over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your
husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Feb 14 - 04:32 PM

"Try To Put Out This Fire..."

A man who worked for the fire department came
home from work one day and told his wife, "You
know, we have a wonderful system at the
firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets
on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide own the pole. Bell
#3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run
this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to
jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to
make love all night!"

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work
and yelled,
"Bell #1!"
The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....

The husband asked, "What the hell is this Bell
#4?"

"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE
NEAR THE FIRE!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Feb 14 - 01:56 PM

"I always say the best contraceptive is a nice cup of tea!"

"Really? Before or after?"









"Instead of."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Feb 14 - 06:27 PM

Received in an email from a friend:

It's when you see a mosquito land on your testicles that you realized problems can be solved without violence.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Andrez
Date: 27 Feb 14 - 05:24 AM

I am passing this on to this thread because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

xxxx
Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Feb 14 - 11:44 AM

The three-legged pig.
A salesman was on a farm, talking with the farmer, when a three-legged pig walked by. The farmer nodded toward the pig and said, "That there's a very special pig. He saved the lives of our whole family. We was all asleep one night, when he woke us up by running around the house and squealing at the top of his lungs. We woke up to find the house on fire, and we was just able to get out safely". The salesman asked, "Did he lose his leg in the fire?". "Naw", the farmer replied; "It's just that, when you got an animal that special, you don't go eatin' it all at once".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Mar 14 - 02:50 AM

"That shiny white creature with the silver horns -- is it a water-buffalo?"

"No, it's a wash-bison."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Mar 14 - 06:51 AM

groan............!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Mar 14 - 02:19 PM

"Oy! Oy! Oy!

Help! Help! Help!

My son the Doctor is drowning!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 14 - 10:44 PM

I feel really, really bad for Anne Frank. I mean first, she has her diary published - every girl's worst nightmare. And then, she doesn't make any money off it - every Jew's worst nightmare.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 14 - 08:02 AM

This man was lost in the desert and wandering about getting a bit light-headed, when he heard a voice from close by saying "1 2 3 4 - 1 2 3 4 - 1 2 3 4"... And it didn't stop. It went on "1 2 3 4...". And he kept looking around and there was nobody there. And he thought "If this doesn't stop, or I can't find out who keeps going 1 2 3 4, I am going to get out my gun & shoot myself". And straight away it started up again, "1 2 3 4 - 1 2 3 4". And he thought, "Right, that's it; I've completely gone over the edge. Goodbye, cruel world." So he got his gun out & checked it was loaded, and put it to his head. And then he paused, and thought, "Well, just one last cigarette before I go." And he got out his packet of Player's and pushed the pack up from the bottom so that the flap showed. And there it was, printed on the flap ~~~







"It's the tobacco that counts!"

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 14 - 12:52 PM

"Inheritance"

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the
next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed
that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more
and more. On the rare occasion that she would
go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or
even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored
him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided
to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married
me was because my grandfather left me $10
million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care
who gave you the money!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 14 - 12:54 PM

Sen. John Glenn, 76, will return to space to study
the effects of weightlessness on aging. "Glenn will
become the oldest man in space, unless you count
William Shatner in 'Star Trek VI.'"
-- Premiere Radio, 2001

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 14 - 12:56 PM

"Burglar"

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night,
while I was down at the bar with you guys, a
burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and
a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me
coming home drunk."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 14 - 05:19 PM

An enigma wrapped in a mystery is much like a Taco Bell contraption but in the flight 370 conundrum, the most safe guarded and productive clues may be found in the passenger manifest:

Carmen Santiago
Wong Wei
F. Crater
James Hoffa
Amy Earhart
Marvin P. Bush

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 14 - 02:23 PM

"What I've Learned"

As we progress into 2014, I want to thank
you for your educational e-mails over the
past year. I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel, nor let the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone
who has been driving because the number
one pastime while driving alone is picking
one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many
gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for
fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the
email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use
a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of
every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I
fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with
no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer
drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking
someone along to watch the car, so
a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back
seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the
microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't
boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because
I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers
because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a huge
phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and
cause me instant death when it bites
my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't
ever pick up a dime coin dropped in
the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm
afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider
and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 17 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after
a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the
living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft.
out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF
                A VERY GOOD DAY!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Mar 14 - 02:07 PM

"Seance For A Waiter"

Six months after the waiter died, his widow
went to see a medium, who promised she
would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure
she saw her husband standing in the
corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and
speak to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed,
"I can't. It's not my table."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Mar 14 - 02:09 PM

"Air Conditioner"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter
in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air
conditioning be turned up because he was too
hot, then he asked it be turned down because
he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he
walked back and forth and never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked
him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 Mar 14 - 06:30 AM

Spam calls:_

Cowboys & Indians.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Mar 14 - 10:45 AM

OK, I don't get it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 Mar 14 - 11:53 AM

In UK, the term 'cowboy' is used to denote a pushy & obtrusive, but not always reliable, tradesman or salesman. Many of the spam calls we receive on our phones come from such. Many others originate from call-centres in Mumbai or Kolkata, so the callers have recognisably Indian speech patterns. Hence the [it seemed to me] fruitful juxtaposition within one recognisable phenomenon of cowboys & Indians.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 25 Mar 14 - 07:19 PM

not so funny when it has to be explained, but very true, though we usually think of builders= cowboys...and we have fallen foul of some of them,

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 26 Mar 14 - 01:25 PM

(sorry, I had to ask. Thanks.)

What's an Ig?

A snowhouse without a loo!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Bert
Date: 26 Mar 14 - 01:55 PM

I'm gonna steal that one Mrr.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Mar 14 - 05:24 AM

A now antique joke, superseded by events and developments, but which I enjoyed greatly back in the days, about 50 years ago, when IT was in its infancy & computers were vast affairs filling whole rooms:-

A resolutely up-to-date medical practitioner had a computer installed in his surgery to do his diagnoses, supposedly more accurately than he could do himself. He carefully coded the first patient's report of his symptoms into binary, and presented the results to the vast machine. Whirring noises and flashing lights went all around for several minutes, until a small print-out appeared at the final terminal.

"What does it say, Doctor?" asked the patient anxiously.

"It says", the doc replied, "that there's a lot of it about."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Apr 14 - 03:35 AM

A Liverpool pawnbroker employed an Irish assistant. One day, the Irishman was serving in the shop while the boss was catching up with the books in the office, when a Lascar seaman came in carrying a small box.

"Can I help you, Sorr?" says the assistant.

"Yes, please," replied the sailor. "I should like to borrow £10,000 on this"; and he opened the box to show a small, glittering red stone.

"Away wid youse, begorrah!" said the assistant. "Ten tousand for dat!"

"Just go and ask your boss."

So back to the office he goes with the box.

"You'll never believe dis; but dere's an oriental-looking spalpeen out there who reckons we'll lend him ten grand on this nick-nack!"

"Let's have a look," says the Scouser boss, picking up his lens. He took a look and whistled.

"Oh, Boyo," he said. "That's no nick-nack, Paddy-wack. Give the wog a loan."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Apr 14 - 01:14 PM

"Physics Exam"

The following concerns a question in a physics degree
exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper
a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of
the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string
plus the length of the barometer will equal the height
of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner
that the student was failed. The student appealed on
the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct,
and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer
was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable
knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was
decided to call the student in and allow him six
minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic
principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead
creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time
was running out, to which the student replied that he
had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't
make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as
follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof
of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure
the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of
the building can then be worked out from the formula
H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height
of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the
length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of
the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple
matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the
height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it,
you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer
and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and
then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is
worked out by the difference in the gravitational
restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency
staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark
off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths,
then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about
it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure
the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on
the ground, and convert the difference in millibars
into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply scientific methods,
undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the
janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice
new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me
the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from
Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Apr 14 - 01:59 PM

I must interpolate here that Niels Bohr is an honoured member of my collection of distinguished people who have been association football goalkeepers, having in my far-off youth been one such myself.

~M~

Others who may be instanced are Conan Doyle, A H Clough, Albert Camus, Pope John-Paul II, Che Guevara, Vladimir Nabokov, David Frost, Pavarotti Carreras & Domingo .....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Gurney
Date: 02 Apr 14 - 08:57 PM

Mrr, surely an ig is a swine who's just been to the loo?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 03 Apr 14 - 03:09 AM

Gurney, I like that,
but
what's a Pooig?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: frogprince
Date: 16 Apr 14 - 12:00 PM

Sunday School teacher to 1st grade class: "Who can tell me what "resurrection" means?"

Little Jimmy: "It means if you have one that lasts over four hours, you hafta see a doctor"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Apr 14 - 09:22 PM

A constipated N?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 22 Apr 14 - 02:32 PM

"Look, Lord," exclaimed a furious St Peter, rushing up to God. "Look at the Rabbi. It's the Sabbath. And he's down there playing a practice round of golf!"

"Oh, is he now?" said God. "Well we'll soon fix him."

They watched as the Rabbi set up his ball on the tee, selected a driver, and drove off. Straight down the fairway the ball flew sweetly, up on to the green, rolled with the slope and into the hole.

"But, Lord," exclaimed St Peter. "The Rabbi desecrates the Sabbath and you give him a hole-in-one?"

"Yes," says Jehovah, smiling into his beard. "And who can he tell?"

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 06:42 AM

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis, but I worked both sides of the Mississippi !!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 01:48 PM

A maid who was no good at tennis
At swimming was really a menace
She took pains to explain
It depends how you train...
I was a streetwalker in Venice!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 01 May 14 - 08:57 PM

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 May 14 - 08:39 AM

His Final Request

Texas has so many inmates on its Death Row, they finally had to start executing them two at a time.

On this day, a cowboy and a biker are brought to receive their sentence.

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a Final Request.

"Yew betcha, Warden," the cowboy replies. "I'd be mighty grateful if you'd play 'Achy Break Heart' fer me one last time."

"Yes, we can do that for you," the Warden says, before turning to the biker. "Do you have a Final Request too?"

"You better believe it," the biker says. "Kill me first!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 14 - 09:23 PM

How did the hipster bite their tongue?
Eating their pizza *before* it was cool.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 May 14 - 01:55 PM

What does a Tibetan Buddhist monk eat for breakfast?
.
,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
An ohmmmmmmmm.let, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 07 May 14 - 07:07 AM

How many Radical Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and it's not funny.


How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just declare darkness the industry standard.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 May 14 - 07:27 AM

How many folksingers --

Just one ~~ but he'll need a whole crowd more to stand around singing how much nicer the old bulb was.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 07 May 14 - 09:23 AM

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One? No. 2? No. 4? No. 8? No. 16? No. 32? No.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 May 14 - 01:41 PM

How many psychotherapists to change a light bulb?

Only one —



but the light bulb must really want to be changed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Mrr at work
Date: 29 May 14 - 07:19 PM

My twins turned 19 - but someone told me they looked twinny!

Also:

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Tastes like chicken!

And, finally:

The old farmer's husband is out in the field struggling with the tractor, and realizes that pliers are required, so he gestures to the old farmer settin' on the front porch:

(I) - points to himself
(need) - making pulling gestures
(pliers) - making X opening-closing gestures with his forearms

The old lady nods, heaves herself out of her chair, and gestures back - grabs her boobs, then her crotch, then her behind.

The old husband makes his gestures more urgently - I - Need - Pliers!
The old farmer makes hers more emphatically - grabs her boobs, her crotch, her butt.
(They do this a few more times depending on the audience.)

Finally the old guy stomps up to the porch and growls, what is your problem? I gestured (repeats the gestures as he speaks):
(I) - points to himself
(need) - making pulling gestures
(pliers) - making X opening-closing gestures with his forearms!

The old lady yells back, what didn't you understand? I said,
there's a PAIR (grabs her boobs)
in the BOX (grabs her crotch)
under the SEAT (grabs her butt)!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 04:01 AM

With a squeal of brakes the car pulled up, but not quite in time to avoid the young man crossing the road in front.

"My poor young man," said a solicitous passer-by, kneeling beside him as he lay in the gutter. "Tell me your name and I will tell your mother."

"Thank you," he gasped with his last breath before passing out, "but my mother knows my name."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Jun 14 - 10:40 PM

A wizard walked into a gay bar... and vanished with a Pouf!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Jun 14 - 03:18 PM

From the naughty boys of my childhood:

Q. Why are fire engines red?
A. If your hose were stretched across the street, you'd be pretty red yourself.

Q. Why are pinball machines tilted?
A. If you had five balls, you'd probably be tilted too.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 Jun 14 - 11:28 AM

Why do bees hum?




Don't know the words.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jun 14 - 01:26 AM

It occurred to me that this latest Supreme Court decision results in an unbuffered solution.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 14 - 12:55 AM

How many are in a Brazillion again?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MudGuard
Date: 09 Jul 14 - 04:02 AM

>> How many are in a Brazillion again?

7:1?



Btw: ...

A German football fan meets a Dutch football fan.

The Dutch says: our team is playing against Argentina tonight!

The German answers: what a coincidence - our team is playing against Argentina on Sunday!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jul 14 - 11:10 PM

Hee hee

What is the right speed at which to eat pussy?

Lickety split!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 14 - 12:47 PM

The Insatiable Genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "Really?" he says. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Jul 14 - 03:31 AM

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome , Italy . One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Andrez
Date: 08 Aug 14 - 06:20 AM

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 09:08 AM

----------------

"Stupid?"

Two rich (blond?) men were talking over coffee and
croissants at their country club one day and one of
them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver
is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."

And he called his driver over Jim and said, "Jim, here
is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me
a Mercedes."

To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and
rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned
to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to
see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his
driver, John: "John, go home now and check to see
if I'm at home."

John said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough
brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers (also blond?) met on the
road. Jim said to John, "Eh, you know my boss is
sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me
to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..
Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The
showroom is closed!"

John replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is
sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check
if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right? He can
just call home to check!!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 09:15 AM

"French Border"

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the
French border.

The French Customs agent stopped them and
told them: "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the
automobile. Look at the papers: this car is
designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the
French customs agent. "Quattro means four!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor
over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the two guys in
the Fiat Uno."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Aug 14 - 09:45 AM

Grief at Ninety

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm married to a twenty-five-year-old woman!"

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me another quickie, the best an old man could want. Every evening she home cooks a fantastic meal, and every night when we go to bed, we make sweet love and I get a fantastic sleep." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.

"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forget where I live!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Aug 14 - 10:08 PM

A census taker is asking an Ozark woman to give the names and ages of her ten children.

She says: "Well, there's Mary and Wilma; they're ten years old. Then there's Harry and Jack; they're eight years old. Then there's June and Marcia; they're six years old...."

The census taker interrupts: "Goodness! Do you get twins every time?"

She says: "Aw, hell no. Most o' the time, we don't get nothin' at all."


[I think that, or something like it, came from Vance Randolph.]

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Andrez
Date: 16 Aug 14 - 11:26 PM

Post Modern: Say it with meaning (Transcribed from the original cartoon by Michael Leunig)

The scene: Two men talking in a farm supplies shop.

G'Day. I want some Fence posts. What have you got?

I've got two types. I've got the traditional post- and I've got the post modern.

Whats the difference?

Well the traditional type is heavy hardwood- red gum, box or iron bark. The post modern is made from plantation pine impregnated with a highly toxic copoer-arenic solution.

But whats the actual difference?

Well the durability and strength of the hardwood post is derived from its density and weight. On the other hand the strength and success of the post modern is due to the fact that it is very poisonous and is therefore impervious to the forces of nature and natural processes generally.

And what are the problems with the post modern?

Sometimes when you put a bit of straw on it, it doesn't hold so well in the ground. It gets a bit wobbly…….. and this is whats known as the post modern movement.

The fence would be deconstructed by the sheep!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Aug 14 - 08:58 PM

I *love* Leunig. I have his dirty little swag.

In other news, I was chatting with a sea captain (yes, an actual sea captain) in an Irish pub at the beach last week, and he told me of a woman who, after a couple of drinks, said Bet you haven't seen this before and moved her bathing suit bottom aside, and (as he put it) you could see Everything. And right there, she had a sea-shell tattooed; when she saw him looking she grinned and said, if you put your ear there, you can smell the ocean!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 14 - 12:32 PM

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used
to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as
many tickets as we want."
-- Anonymous

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Aug 14 - 10:04 PM

When my father was in the US Navy (ca. 1920), he was an engineer in a shipyard and did not spend much time at sea. But one time (he told us) they put him on a ship, with the usual consequence that he spent some time on deck being sick at the rail. During that time, a real sailor came up behind him and said "If you feel something hairy and round come up, swallow it quick, because that'll be your asshole."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Aug 14 - 10:05 PM

P.S. There ought to be a song in that. The chorus would be

Roll, pitch, yaw,
Surge, sway, heave!

I'm studying it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 14 - 11:44 AM

"Special Delivery Kitten"

A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in
his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down. The tree was not
sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided
that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away
so that the tree bent down, he could then reach
up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his
progress in the car frequently, then figured if he
went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he
moved a little further forward... the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly
sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the
neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little
kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So, he
prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your
keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store,
and met one of his church members. He
happened to look into her shopping cart
and was amazed to see cat food. Now this
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,
so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food
when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him
how her little girl had been begging her for a cat,
but she kept refusing. Then, a few days before, the
child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if the Lord gives you a cat, I'll let you
keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in
the yard, get on her knees, and ask the Lord for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw
it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying
out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and
landed right in front of her."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link.
Date: 25 Aug 14 - 09:09 AM

".......works in mysterious ways....."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 14 - 10:06 AM

Smoking Man

I was at a gas station the other day and noticed a
man was getting gas and he was smoking a cigarette.

I went inside to pay for my gas. The man outside
somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running
inside the gas station and the clerk pulled out a gun
and shot him.

I asked the clerk why on earth he shot the man, and
he replied,

"C'mon, you saw him. . . he had a fire arm."

-------------

Bear at the Movies

A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there
is a big ole grizzly bear sitting next to him. Finally he
turns to the bear and says,

"Pardon me for asking, but aren't you a bear?"

The bear nods; then the man says,

"So... tell me, what are you doing at the movies?"

The bear replies. . .

"Well, I liked the book."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Sep 14 - 10:55 PM

A Jew, sitting on a bus, notices that a black man next to him is reading a Yiddish newspaper. Eaten up by curiosity, he eventually says, "Excuse me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but are you actually Jewish?"

"This I need too?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 02 Sep 14 - 10:35 AM

"C'mon, you saw him. . . he had a fire arm."


Or alternatively,

"You saw him! He had an arm alight" (Armalite)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 14 - 09:09 AM

"Cubicle Wisdom"

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you
may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been
turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but
we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by
having meetings--they did it by killing all those
who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of
adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can
avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years
away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss
look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words
we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people
who like their jobs, and people who don't work
here anymore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Sep 14 - 09:10 AM

"Hi Honey!"

Mother cat with several kittens was walking
in the park when a handsome Tom cat
walked by and said, "Hi, Honey."

Mother cat said, "Don't you 'Honey' me!
You said we were only fighting!"

-----------
"Cat's Diary"

DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me
with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow
I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their feet while they were
walking almost succeeded. Must try this at
the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust
and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy
my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant
pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought
them the headless body, in an attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to
try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was. Hmmm. Must try this
with their baby. . .

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 14 - 09:05 AM

You Know You're In Trouble When. . .

... Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked
    Zurich.

... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car
    payment.

... The Little League puts you on waivers.

... Your suggestion box starts ticking.

... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the
    DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

... You see the captain running toward the railing,
    wearing a life jacket.

... They pay your wages out of petty cash.

... You make more than you ever made, owe more
    than you ever owed, and have less than you've
    ever had.

... You tell the barber what you think about his prices
    before you get your haircut.

__ Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of
   the vacation budget.

... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

... You take an assertiveness training course and
    you're afraid to tell your wife.

... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch
    together.

... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

... Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee.

... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

... The pest exterminator crawls under your house
    and never comes out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 14 - 11:14 AM

(We did set off the fire alarm putting 90 candles on grandfather's cake once - also at the same party the bacon-wrapped brown-sugar-rolled broiled water chestnut appetizers never made it out of the kitchen, we just ate them all ourselves, and granny tried to show someone that her leg would just dislocate if she "did this" and dislocated her leg. Luckily her orthopod was a guest...)

Anyway, the joke I heard on NPR was that any candidate who would require urine samples is just looking out for Number 1.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Sep 14 - 12:52 PM

Just made up my my son who needs to be on a ladder so he asks his heaviest friend to come steady it so he (my son) doesn't fall off:

Will you be my ladder spotter, so I don't become a lotter spatter?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: frogprince
Date: 16 Sep 14 - 04:44 PM

Mrrzy, after I looked at that again, I realized that you left out the word "by". But I must say that when I first read it I got a picture of a very odd situation. : )

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Sep 14 - 10:19 PM

Right, BY my son, not MY my son. I did not invent my son. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Owl Glass
Date: 17 Sep 14 - 11:49 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman nd an Irishman were discussing their sons.
The Englishman said, "My son was born on St Georges Day so we had to call him George."
To which the Scotsman replied, "What a coincidence, my son was born on St Andrews Day so we called him Andrew."
"Is that so now?" said the Irishman, "In that case you'll be wanting to hear about my boy, Pancake."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Sep 14 - 02:59 PM

"Longevity"

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was
giving a press conference to the assembled media.

"Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how
did you come to live to 150?"

"It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied.
"I just never argue."

"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There
must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or
something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive
for 150 years!"

The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several
seconds.

"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Sep 14 - 08:55 AM

"Playing Doctor"

After discovering her young daughter playing
doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry
mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged
him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to
explore their sexuality by playing doctor at
their age." the neighbor said.

"Sexuality my foot!" The mother yelled. "He took
out her appendix!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Sep 14 - 05:00 PM

"Trading Places"

An attorney telephoned the governor just after
midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding
a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the
governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney,
"and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's okay with me if it's
okay with the undertaker."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 26 Sep 14 - 03:23 PM

Well done, Uncle Dave!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,ketchdana
Date: 26 Sep 14 - 04:38 PM

Good one! (Trading Places)

I've heard many variations over the years (but not that one.):

... ran over a farmer's (A: chicken.)
"... and I'd like to replace it."
"Well, OK, (B: how many eggs do you consistently lay?")

A: cow.
B: "... how many quarts of milk do you give?"

A: prize pig.
B: "... but you'll have to sleep in the pen 'til we get you fattened up for market."

A: wife.
B: (Oops, censored by the Decency Police.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Sep 14 - 07:43 AM

"Stick em down!"

"Don't you mean 'Stick em up'?"

"So that's why I'm not making any money!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Sep 14 - 07:59 PM

An experimenter excitedly told Enrico Fermi that he had found macroscopic evidence that helium-3 nuclei follow Fermi-Dirac statistics. "Well", said Fermi, "if it's all right with Dirac, it's all right with me."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Oct 14 - 09:35 AM

Cruise Ship Diary

DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started out to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today. Twice.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,BlueJay
Date: 13 Oct 14 - 04:51 AM

I pulled off a good one where I work as an ER nurse, here in Colorado, the heart of the Denver Broncos country.

Did you hear about the Denver Broncos being sold?
Collectively, they answered, "No!"
Yep. They sold it after last Sunday's game. They sold it to a pulmonologist.
(ER doctor) Bastards!
The first thing the new owner did was to rename the team. They're now the Denver Bronchioles!
(Groans all around)

This is an original joke, but I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrased. But it was a magic moment!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Oct 14 - 08:42 AM

"Married Employees"

In a small town in the US, there is a rather
sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called
on the manager and asked him, "Why is it
you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think us women are weak,
dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.

"It is because our employees are used to
obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their
mouths shut and don't pout when I yell
at them."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Nov 14 - 01:19 PM

The Condom Shelf

A man walked into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happened to walk by the condom display, and the boy asked, "What are these, Dad?"

Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replied, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looked over the display and picked up a package of 3 and asked, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replied, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He noticed a 6 pack and asked, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answered. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there are any other options. He saw it: "Then who uses THESE?" he asked, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 03 Nov 14 - 07:51 PM

One Liners (No. 16's my favourite)

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

4. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

5. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

7. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

8. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

9. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything."

10. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

11. Say what you want about deaf people ...

12. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

13. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

14. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

15. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

16. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

17. Whiteboards are remarkable.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Nov 14 - 02:13 PM

What would happen if a condemned man's request for his last meal was......












Pussy?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Nov 14 - 02:17 PM

They'd give him the cat before his execution...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Bainbo
Date: 04 Nov 14 - 06:15 PM

I've just discovered an overly ornate breakfast cereal. Rococo Pops.

I once made some soft furnishings for Death himself, but he didn't like them. There were grim repercussions.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 04 Nov 14 - 08:16 PM

What is the circumference of a jack-o-lantern divided by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.


What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?

A really cranky woman who knows how to find you.

(Hey, my wife thought it was funny.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Nov 14 - 01:00 AM

Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 05 Nov 14 - 07:10 AM

An Irishman was trying to write a song but he couldn't get past the first two bars.


What is Irish Alzheimer's disease?

It's when you forget everything but the grudges.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Nov 14 - 10:58 AM

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/stupidity.shtml


CLICK HERE FOR STUPIDITY

They all look like they happened.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Nov 14 - 11:39 AM

Ireland: the land of happy wars and sad love songs.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Nov 14 - 11:12 PM

GUEST,#: That reminds me:

I once read that park rangers at the Grand Canyon are fairly often asked "What tools did they use?". Some tourists, it turns out, have the idea that the canyon was *built* -- either by native Americans, for religious purposes, or during the New Deal, to reduce unemployment. (No question, it would have performed either function admirably.)

Little Audrey was sitting on the davenport with her boyfriend when the lights suddenly went out. "Gee," he said, "It's so dark, I can't see my hand in front of my face." And little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew his hand wasn't in front of his face.

All cultures that fish, I have heard, have the story of the man who put a mark on the floor of the boat when he found a place where the fishing was good. And all cultures that have invented nails have the one about the carpenter who is throwing away half his nails because the heads are on the wrong end. (The boss tells him not to be a fool -- save them for the other side of the house.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Nov 14 - 06:44 AM

Did you know that a camel is a horse designed by a committee?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Nov 14 - 02:43 PM

I thought that was a basset hound.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,#
Date: 07 Nov 14 - 02:55 PM

There's one about the Bassett hound who had steel testicles. His nick name is Sparky.

Good ones, Joe F.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 14 - 10:32 AM

Learning about The Tonsillectomy

A family was on its way to the hospital, where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. She had never been in a hospital before, and was pretty nervous.

During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Mom?" the girl asked.

"Yes, dear?" mom said gently.

"Will it hurt much?"

"You'll have a sore throat afterward," she says, "but they'll let you have all the refreshing ice cream you want, which will soothe it."

"Dad?" the girl asked.

"Yes, pumpkin?" the kindly father replied.

"How are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Nov 14 - 09:49 AM

The Lie-Detecting Robot

Fed up with never really knowing what's going on in his home, a father bought a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decided to test it out on his son at the dinner table.

"Why were you late for dinner tonight?" he asked the teen.

"I was at the library."

The robot slapped the son.

"OK! I was at a friend's house," the son admitted. The robot didn't move.

"Doing what?" asked the father, happy to finally know what's up with his family.

"Watching a movie. Toy Story."

The robot slapped the son.

"OK! OK! It was porn!" cried the son.

"What?" the father yelled. "When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slapped the father.

The mother laughed and said, "Well, he certainly is your son!"

The robot slapped the mother.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Nov 14 - 06:39 PM

An old sailor standing by the sea was staring fixedly at a young man a little way off, who had his hair done up in peaks, each one a different color. Finally the young man yelled "What's the matter? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The sailor answered, "As a matter of fact, some years ago I got drunk and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you might be my son."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Ed T
Date: 15 Nov 14 - 07:30 PM

A blind man went bungee jumping. It scared the hell out of his dog.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 16 Nov 14 - 07:11 AM

That reminds me of the one about the blind parachutist.

When asked how he knew he was just about to land he said "the lead goes slack"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 16 Nov 14 - 08:28 PM

In similar vein, Ray Charles was spotted in a music shop swinging his guide dog round his head by it's leash. When an attendant asked him what he was doing he replied "Just browsing". (remembered from a Billy Connolly concert too many years ago)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Dec 14 - 06:53 AM

Who goes

Yodel : BoomBoom

?????






Basel Brush

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Dec 14 - 04:07 AM

"So you say the prisoner was drunk?"

"He was drunk as a judge."

(From the Bench) "Surely you mean 'drunk as a lord'?"

"Yes, My Lord."

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw not dissing ancient jokes
Date: 05 Dec 14 - 06:10 AM

Man walks into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his trousers.

Barman says to him, "Hey, mate, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your trousers."

Yeah, I know," he says, "It's driving me nuts."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 14 - 09:23 AM

The Three Wise Women (A seasonal re-run.)

What would have happened if on the first Christmas, there had been three wise women instead of three wise men?

They would have:

asked for directions
arrived on time
helped deliver the baby
cleaned the stable
brought more practical gifts, and
made a casserole.

But women shouldn't necessarily gloat about these truths, since there are several other truths here. After they left, they'd be saying to each other:

Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
Did you see the drummer boy?! He can beat my drum anytime.
That donkey they're riding has seen better days.
I hear that Joseph isn't even working right now.
Virgin? Hah! I knew her in school days!
That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph.
Wanna bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 20 Dec 14 - 11:00 AM

Then there was the chap who didn't pay the exorcist and was repossessed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Sep 15 - 09:34 AM

The Lawyer's Porsche

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

But just as he started to get out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche with his lights flashing.

But before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"Oh, my God!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Sep 15 - 11:47 PM

Passengers on a Southwest jet are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, Especially after TSA mistook cheese wrapped in tinfoil as C-4 but the airport staff assures them that the flight would depart shortly. After a few minutes of all the passengers jammed up in the jetway outside the door of the plane someone asked what the delay is now and were told by the stewardess that the routine maintenance they do for this particular plane at every stop was still waiting for more equipment but the good news is that everyone will be compensated with free shrimp and free beer.

The elation of the passengers evaporated as 10 minutes turned into 20 minutes when finally a maintenance man came huffing and puffing down the jetway with the largest roll of duct tape imaginable cradled in both his arms and was taken inside the door of the plane by worming it in sideways. After about 5 minutes the worker came back out with a fairly small roll of the industrial duct tape and a nervous muttering among the passengers crammed in the aisle of the jetway now filling up with exhaust fumes.

The passengers fell curiously silent as a tapping sound and barking dog could be heard toward the entrance to the jet way and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is limping up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
" Easy Stu, not as long as we have daylight, now can ya pass me the last beer?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Sep 15 - 01:01 AM

Why has one of last year's joke threads been refreshed, rather than a current one?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Sep 15 - 03:57 AM

An apprentice engineer I worked with in Liverpool managed to scrape together enough money to take a week's holiday in a small town in North Wales - the only one he could afford.
The town had nothing to offer - miles from anywhere, no cinema, no entertainment of any kind - after the first day he was bored out of his skull.
As he walked down the town's single street, he spotted a blacksmith's shop and he walked in and watched the blacksmith at work, shoeing horses - he got chatting to the man and asked him how he went about his work.
The blacksmith explained how it was done and said, "I'm going off for an hour; why don't you try it out for yourself while I'm away?", and brings out a hose awaiting shoeing.
When he returns, he finds the horse lying flat on its back with its four legs in the air, sporting four brand-new shoes fitted to perfection.
"Well", he says, "you've made a wonderful job of it; I don't think I could have done it better myself, but why is it lying there with its legs in the air?"
"I don't know". replied the lad, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Sep 15 - 06:33 AM

A West Indian man living in London is diagnosed with terminal cancer and decides to donate his organs for transplant on the understanding that he is told who is to get his heart - after much argument, the doctor agrees to give him the name of the most likely recipient.
The man goes to the address and knocks at the door; it is opened by a huge, beer-gutted skinhead in a filthy tee-shirt emblazoned with The Union Jack, Swastikas tattoo down both arms and his forehead and studs protruding from his ears, nose and lips.
"What the **** do you want?"
"To tell you the truth, I've been told I am going to die shortly and I've decided to donate my organs for transplant - you are to get my heart".
"Thank **** for that, I thought you were going to tell me you were coming to live next door!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Sep 15 - 04:13 AM

I just gave my cat Cleo her breakfast -- half a pack of Whiskas cat jelly with duck. "I'm only giving you half the pack this morning," I told her, "in case you put on too much weight. Last thing I want in the house is a duck-filled fatty-puss!"


Just thought I'd share it, even if we are still for some reason on one of last year's threads.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Sep 15 - 09:09 AM

Two Welsh ladies, neighbours, having a conversation through the walls of their back-to-back lavertories at the bottom of their yards, while going about their respective businesses:
"Nghhhhhh, is that you Mrs Evans?"
"Nghhhhhh, yes it is Mrs Jones".
"Nghhhhhh, how are you doing then?"
"Nghhhhhh, fine, can't complain"
"Nghhhhhh, how's Mr, Evans, still working?"
"Nghhhhhh, yes, so far, touch wood".
"Nghhhhhh, and that son of yours, Dai: haven't seen him round for a long time"?
"Nghhhhhh, no, he moved to London when the pit closed".
"Nghhhhhh, well, that'll be a big change for him then; what's he doin' down there?"
"Nghhhhhh, He's become an actor, he's got a part as Hamlet in the National Theatre".
"Nghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ooooh, that's a hard part".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Sep 15 - 09:20 AM

Lady doctor sitting in her surgery when a man walks in, unzips his fly and puts his penis on the desk saying, "What do you make of that, then"?
She examines it carefully for about ten minutes and eventually says, "Sorry, I can't find anything wrong with it".
"No", he said, "it's not bad, is it?", and walks out.
Jim Carroll