BS: First Joke Thread of 2014

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:38 PM

The Honest Husband

A married man and his secretary were having
a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't
contain their passion, so they rushed over to
her place, where they spent the afternoon
making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep and didn't wake up
until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told
his secretary to take his shoes outside and
rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did
as he asked (thinking he was pretty weird).

The man finally got home, and his wife met
him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd
been. The man replied "I cannot tell a lie. My
secretary and I are having an affair. Today we
left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's
why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes
and said, "I can see those are grass stains on
your shoes. YOU BLOODY LIAR!!! You've been
playing golf again, haven't you!?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:44 PM

"How Many Kids?"

Some newly married friends were visiting us
when the topic of children came up. The bride
said she wanted three children, while the young
husband said two would be enough for him; there'd
be no third.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few
minutes until the husband thought he'd put
an end to things by saying boldly, "After our
second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride
retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third
one as if it's your own."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Don Firth
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 03:17 PM

Two old college chums met after many years. As they sat on the front porch and watched the host's eight kids playing in the big front yard, the visitor decided to twit his old friend a bit.

"Remember our discussions of the population explosion when we were back in college? You said that every couple should have the right to replace their own number, but that it would be irresponsible to have more than that because you'd be contributing to the overpopulation? Well?" he said, nodding toward the kids in the front yard.

"Well," responded the host, "my wife and I did have two kids, then we made up our minds not to have any more. But—" and he pointed to pairs of kids—"those two are pull-outs, those two are washouts, and those two are blowouts!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 05:51 AM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 09:00 AM

How Cold Is It? (Where?)

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65F Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60F Californians put on sweaters (if they can
find one)
* 50F Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45F Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40F You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
* 35F Italian cars don't start
* 32F Water freezes
* 30F You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25F Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
* 20F Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15F French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10F You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5F American cars don't start
* 0F Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build
an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the
homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
* -25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
* -40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 09:19 AM

The San Francisco Way

The company boss goes up to his four employees, and he's got a serious look on his face.

"I'm really sorry," he says, "but revenues are way down, and I'm going to have to lay one of you off."

The black employee speaks first. "Can't be me. I'm a protected minority."

The female employee says, "Can't be me. I'm a woman."

The senior employee says, "It better not be me: I'll file an age discrimination suit so fast you'll wish you were never born."

And so one by one, they all turn to look at the last employee: a young, white male.

They figure he's doomed, but then he speaks.

"I think," he says, "I might be gay...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 04 Jan 14 - 10:55 AM

The foreman notices that Chan, normally a happy Hong-Kong-Chinese guy with a big smile on his face, has been looking a bit down for a few days. So, he takes him aside and says "I sometimes get a bit downcast as well, but I find that if I go home at lunchtime and make love with my wife, I cheer up pretty quickly. Maybe you ought to try that".

Chan nods and checks his watch. A bit later he leaves work and returns after an hour, with a really big smile on his face.

"Well,", says the foreman, "what d'you think?"

Chan ponders and replies:



















"You have lovely home".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 14 - 10:35 AM

"How to Get a Divorce"

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a
marathon with numerous guests coming and
going. At one point, a man knocked on the
door, was greeted heartily though no one knew
who he was, and was led to the bar in the
basement.

He sat there happily for about an hour before
a strange light dawned on his face.

"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't
even invited to this party. I just came over to
tell you that some of your guests' cars are
blocking my driveway. My wife's been sitting
out in the car waiting for me to get them
moved."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 09:43 AM

"How Women Get What They Want" (More Later)

Women are under the illusion they don't have
to ask men for anything - that if the man really
loved her, he would automatically and
instinctively know what she needed. Right!
As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you
were in the room, let alone knew what you
were feeling. A woman has a better chance of
finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than
finding a man who knows what she is going
through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed -
like they're her knight in shining armor.
Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like
her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore,
it is important that a woman ask a man
directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He
is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a
map, how's he going to read a mind?

(Continued in our next. Probably later this week.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 09:45 AM

"How To Ask A Man To Do Something"

Always remember these six important rules
when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and
line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to
two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer
to cook him something that doesn't have a
peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for 55
minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd
better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Bert
Date: 06 Jan 14 - 10:02 AM

And don't forget - Do NOT ask him to do something when he's in another room, and then come back later and say "But I TOLD YOU!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 14 - 12:25 PM

Two Prostitutes

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

    Two Prostitutes -- $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

    Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

    Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Jan 14 - 02:13 AM

A businessman wants a new secretary, & employs a shrink to help him choose from the three shortlisted candidates.

"What are 2+2?" he asks the first.

"4," she promptly replies.

"Thank you. Send in the next girl please."

"What are 2+2?"

"22" she replies.

The third replies, "Could be 4 or could be 22."

"Right," sez psych to his hirer. "Now the first one gives a straightforward accurate answer. The second suspects a catch and answers accordingly. The third means to cover all possibilities. Now, which one will you give the job to?"









The boss did not hesitate.
"That one with the big tits," he replied immediately.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: PHJim
Date: 13 Jan 14 - 11:32 PM

A grocery clerk was busy stacking cans when a woman tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Could you tell me where the broccoli is?"
"I'm sorry Ma'am," said the clerk, "but we're all out of broccoli."
The woman went back to her shopping and the clerk went back to stacking cans.
A few minutes later the clerk felt another tap on the shoulder and the woman said, "Excuse me, but I still can't seem to find the broccoli."
"We don't have any more broccoli Ma'am, but there should be plenty tomorrow."
The clerk went back to stacking the cans, but, sure enough in about five minutes he felt another tap on the shoulder.
"Could you please help me find the broccoli," asked the woman.
"Yes, but first, could you answer a couple of questions for me?" asked the clerk.
The woman agreed and the clerk asked, "How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
"C-A-T," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "Now how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?"
"D-O-G," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "And how do you spell fuck as in broccoli?"
"There's no fuck in broccoli," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jan 14 - 08:16 AM

As a farm boy sees it........


A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,

"No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...then say's,

"You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 08:45 AM

A TOUCHING LOVE STORY…

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,

And she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke……and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 12:49 PM

What a surprisingly mysoginistic collection of jokes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,grumpy
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 01:32 PM

... or even misogynistic!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 01:41 PM

I don't see the point in gnu's story above of the woman's being 80. Why that? What had her age to do with the punchline? I must admit that I have a sort of Aristotelian attitude to jokes, that everything should be relevant to the narrative if they are to be fully effective. I know that over-analysis can be fatal to any joke thread; but I still don't see what her age had to do with it.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 03:21 PM

I should have thought the relevance of the age, was that the judge felt sorry for her , being elderly, and accordingly was ....we presume...lenient.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 03:49 PM

I wouldn't call a jail term, however short, for a first recorded offence of pinching one can of fruit for a supermarket, 'lenient'.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: gnu
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:00 PM

FUCK ME! I copied and pasted a joke. Most jokes I read or hear, I change... I tweak... to fit my telling style. 80% of the time, MY tweak is far better.

So... here's a thought... go tweak yourselves. No joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:22 PM

Nowhere in the joke does it say it was a first offence.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 04:37 PM

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord." This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "there is no Lord." One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, "praise the Lord, who gave me this food." The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed "it wasn't the Lord, it was me." The lady without missing a beat screamed "praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 06:53 PM

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 06:57 PM

This is purported to be a true story of an eighty-year-old Mississippi man who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jan 14 - 07:00 PM

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 09:34 AM

This guy escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, then tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 09:45 AM

Samantha Cameron goes to see her psychiatrist.
"Psychiatrist, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The psychiatrist asked, "What's wrong?"
Samantha replied, "My husband is poisoning me."
The psychiatrist, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Samantha then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain he's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The psychiatrist then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to him,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the psychiatrist calls Samantha and says, "Well, I spoke to your husband.
I spoke to him on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Samantha anxiously says, "Yes.        - "Take the poison," says the psychiatrist.


Best wishes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 10:49 AM

"Please, Sir, may I have the day off tomorrow? My grandmother is dead."

"But didn't you have a day off last month because your grandmother was dead?"

"Yes, Sir. She's still dead, Sir."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 12:01 PM

I like that.

Once upon a time their were two rabbits - look how mwny their are now

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 01:12 PM

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .

"Your Holiness ", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honoured to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"And what's the bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 17 Jan 14 - 02:41 PM

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.



The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.



Court is adjourned!"



You gotta love a Judge that knows

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 06:06 AM

The thing about jokes is - you either laugh or you don't - that's it really

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 08:47 AM

Mr Squeezer - is that story real or a constructed joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 09:25 AM

According to

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/atheist.asp

and a few other debunking sites it's a constructed joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 09:51 AM

My favourites on this thread are the indignant posts with no punch line. You don't take a cat apart to see how it works.

The problem with jokes is that they have to compete with the best joke on the world, as relayed by Morecambe and Wise. Ernie Wise said "it's nice out." Eric Morecambe said "Is it ? I think I'll get mine out."

Still laughing, forty years on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 10:06 AM

Have posted above that 'you either laugh or you don't'
you can see who might laugh and who might not at this:

The £50 Note
Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Kind Conservative and a Nasty Conservative are walking down the street. They see a £50 note lying on the ground. Who gets it?

A: The Nasty Conservative, of course. The other three are fictional.

But then a quick change of one or two character would make different people laugh.

Although perhaps the reason for laughing my not be quite the same as in non-political jokes

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: PHJim
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 07:28 PM

Peter The Squeezer's joke has a judge using a bible quote to prove that an atheist has a holiday. That seems a little unfair doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 14 - 08:05 PM

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master." The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. "What's wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 04:49 AM

Clever and funny

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:09 AM

Oh, Mudpeople! Please *stop* commenting on jokes. It's a *jokes* thread, geddit? They are *jokes*! We'll individually decide whether or not to laugh at them and we don't need *your* opinions, keep 'em to yourselves and stop wasting bandwidth on this pernicious practice. Even if we have lots of it to spare, these days.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:18 AM

A day without sunshine is like night.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Van
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:09 PM

A day without moonshine is like hell

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jan 14 - 06:51 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 12:15 AM

Oh, don't be such a fossil, Fossil.

Prescriptiveness is forbidden on threads!

♩♩ So Fossil I do
When you
Are far away ♩♩
[after] Irving Berlin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 03:57 AM

Dear MGM - get on, not on most of the threads on 'ere; prescriptiveness seems to be de rigeur! However, if you really want to explain to me why you find something funny, you go right ahead. I bet you wouldn't do it in the pub...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Fossil
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 04:02 AM

Old Joe, a staunch member of the yacht club, fell off the pontoon and drowned. At the funeral, we buried him in a flotation jacket. Well, it's what he would have wanted....!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 06:24 AM

He was buried at sea then?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 14 - 08:58 AM

"Spotted Owl"

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get
a good view of her land so she started to climb
the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor. He listened to her story then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She sat and waited for three
hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area."