BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 07:01 AM

well it is 2017 somewhere in the Pacific Soooooooooo........

Would those in favour of glove puppets, please put their hands up

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 09:10 AM

All who believe in telekinesis, raise Mr. Red's hand!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 09:15 AM

how can I reply to that when m y hnaddd keepssss risingggg???

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 17 - 05:05 PM

I hear the wall is only going to cost half as much now that the Mexicans are shitting bricks...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 17 - 06:21 PM

What is the name of the presidential plane?

Hair Farce One

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 01:21 PM

I'm amazed that nobody has posted this one yet.

In all the thrillers starring e.g. Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood etc, somebody pulls out a gun, knife or bomb near the President of the United States. The Secret Service people all shout "Get down, Mr. President!"

Now they'll shout "Donald! Duck!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 05:59 PM

You had to echo Reagan to his wife Nancy: "Honey, I forgot to duck..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 06:48 PM

Every time my wife sneezes, she has an orgasm. When I asked her what she takes for it, she said "black pepper"!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 09:32 PM

The ACA repeal bill is being held in an undisclosed basement AP
I bet Price Waterhouse is in charge of security

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 17 - 10:51 AM

The dehydrated runner came in 3st.

Also:

Dijon vu: the feeling that you've had that mustard before.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:17 AM

Déjà fu: the feeling that you've had the shit kicked out of you before...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:22 AM

I thought you said that last year!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:40 AM

Not entirely happy with this, but I'm sure Gershon Legman would have appreciated it

Three friends drinking in a pub start talking about how they were going to be in trouble with their wives when they get home late
They finally decide that when they got home they will obey every request their spouses' make to the letter, without question - they agree to meet the following night to swap experiences
As arranged, they met up the following night; two of them cut and scratched and the third totally untouched.
"What happened to you two?" the unscathed one asked.
"Well", said the first, "I got home, rather the worse for wear, as you know, knocked the bin over and broke the milk bottles on the step - my wife shouted down from the bedroom, "That's right, wake all the neighbors" - so I did".
The second one said, "something similar happened to me".
I decided to make myself a cup of tea and dropped the cup and saucer on the floor".
My wife shouted down, "Why don't you smash all the crockery while you're at it? - so I did - this is the result".
They sat in silence for a few minutes and one of the war wounded asked, "You seem to have come out unscathed, Tommy - what happened to you?"
"Well lads", he said, "I got home and found I was feeling very randy, so I got into bed, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, "how about it?"
She said, "You can cut that out for a start - (opening his hand) - ever seen one of these up close before?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Apr 17 - 05:33 PM

We can save time and space by writing only the punchlines of disgusting tasteless jokes:
examples-
Ever seen this before.
Donald, duck
Rectum damn near killed em
Two shots and a splash
Got any grapes
The Aristocrats!
1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of Donald.
They both disappear after a hot shower.
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!
His hands makes his d–k look bigger!
Hit a banjo player in the face with a frying pan.
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
The one that's alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.
Nothing!
They fell for that trick once already!
None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!
Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.
Not being retarded
Because the look on its face is priceless!
One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys!
Your bike.
Dress her up like an altar boy.
Cancer!
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
A pilot, you racist f–k!
Santa goes down the chimney.
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
A Doberman in a playground.
1. A "Thank You" card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from "Crimestoppers".
Because I'm stronger than you.
Depends how hard you throw them.
Maggots!
All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border
A frog in a blender.
They only had 2 trucks.
A model eating a cornflake.
Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY
Brake her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen
Can you put me up for the night?
"Out of what?"
You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg
Take your foot off his head!
He breaks his nose.
They don't f–king listen!
AIDS&Ebola
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Nail one of its hands to the floor.
"Get off me, Daddy! You're crushing my Marlboros."
The lottery!
(Spread arms and look mopey) This much.
The dishes, if she knows what's good for you
Getting the blood off your clown suit.
He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.
Ice cweem!
The grip!
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Give them a basketball.
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure.
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
God gave him his gas bill.
He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.
An erection!
Connect the Dots.
roll in flour
Crib death.
Lifts donkey balls and says "see the clock
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A dead puppy.
Someone too lazy to steal Billions
How could anyone stoop so low?
The coffee tastes like Mountain Dew
black pepper

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM

That's like the one about the prison in which the prisoners are not allowed to talk at mealtime, so they make up a list of jokes so instead of telling them they can just yell out the number without identifying themselves. One day someone yells out a number and nobody laughs. His cellmate explains later that it was because he didn't tell it right.

That led us, in a lab I once worked in, to number the jokes we told each other, with a brief description (not necessarily the punch line). I still have the list. Here are the first ten:

1. The team of Tom and Louise
2. Doctor, what shall I do with...
3. See that man over there? I have...
4. I can predict confidently...
5. Life presents...
6. It's a long way to...
7. Last year I had one glaring fault.
8. When my doctor treats you for kidney trouble...
9. ...It makes you deaf.
10. I think I'm coming down with something....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 03:18 AM

The new inmate tries again, yells out a large number and every falls about laughing. Says, "Did better that time". Cellmate replies, "Yes, we haven't heard that one before."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 11:01 AM

I was trying to tell the joke whose punchline was Fuck your canoes! and the person to whom I was telling it interrupted with Make a drumhead out of *that*, assholes! and I about died laughing... ok, anecdote, not joke.

Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 12:23 PM

http://www.motherjones.com/files/blitt.car-final.gif

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 04:34 PM

11. The shortest distance between to pints...
12. J. Schwartz, New York
13. It's a meshuggeneh herring.
14. So I lied.
15. That's just to make it harder.
16. St Francis of Asissi?
17. Doctor, you must learn not to...
18. Air yew a Jyew? Waal, air yew?
19. Mr Mitesky, you forgot your package.
20. Uncle Max tells us that soon...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 06:36 PM

Then again, I've always known the punchline (I think) Funny, you don't *look* Jewish, but I don't know the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 07:05 PM

Heisenberg was stopped by the police.
Mr Plod says "Sir", cos British police are polite like that, "Did you realise you were doing exactly 78 miles per hour"?
To which Heisenberg replied "Thanks a bunch officer, now I don't know where I am"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: daithi
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 07:24 AM

Mrrzy - the version I've heard goes like this:

A catholic priest gets into a railway carriage in New York, and is sitting opposite a little old Jewish lady.
She leans over and asks "Are you Jewish?"
Wearing a typical priest's garb, he's a bit surprised, but nods politely and says "no, Madam, I'm not Jewish".
A little later she asks again, and he replies the same.
After the tenth time , he's a little frustrated when she says again "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
He shouts out "OK - I'm Jewish!!".
She looks at him for a minute then says in a quiet voice. "hmm...Funny, you don't look Jewish".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 08:58 AM

Thanks. That sounds right.

OK, here's one my dad used to tell as a litmus test that everybody except one single peace corps volunteer, long dead now of AIDS, flunked.

An eagle was flying high in the sky when it met a soul. Ah, eagle, said the soul, by way of greeting. The eagle, being a discreet bird, said nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 10:50 AM

Here's one from Newfoundland. (No, I'm not a Newfie).

A man was working at a construction site and was up on a ladder. He drops his screwdriver. He climbs down to get it and there is a little boy standing there. He says: "You know, my Daddy wouldn't have to climb down to get that screwdriver. Do you want to know why?" The man says: "Why?" The little boy says "My Daddy would have two screwdrivers." The man tells the kid not to bother him. He's up on the ladder and drops his pliers. He climbs down and the little boy says that his Daddy wouldn't have to climb down, because he would have two screwdrivers. The man tells him to not to bother him. It was close to lunch time and the man had to use the lavatory. He goes behind the bush and when he comes out, he sees the little boy standing there. He says: "I suppose your Daddy's got two of these as well." The little boy replies: "No, but he's got one twice as big."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:03 AM

Note to the optimist and the pessimist: While you two were arguing about whether the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it. Signed, the opportunist.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 AM

An elderly man was taking one of those long, interminable train journeys across central Russia early in the twentieth century – the train stopped at a dusty one-street town in the arsehole of nowhere and the conductor announced there would be a five-hour delay.
The man walked the single street several times until he had seen everything there was to see, when he spotted a little shop with watches hanging in the window, so he decided to go in and get his own watch cleaned.
He went in to find a wizened old man sitting behind the counter; "could you clean my watch sir?" he asked
"I don't do watches", said the old man, "I'm a mohel"
"Then why do you have watches hanging up in your window?" asked the man.
"What should I have hanging up in the window?" came the response.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 02:02 PM

Donuel's list missed a few:

"Thursday's your day in the barrel"

"The whole shovelful, Miss Kitty"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:00 PM

21. What a way to spend Easter!
22. A disgusting young man named McGill
23. Give your girl a fabulous Gruen...
24. ...Look at these gas bills.
25. Can't you do anything right?
26. Between your legs...
27. May the President play thru?...
28. I had a little accident.
29. Dammit, they keep slipping in...
30. Go out in the rain and...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:15 PM

Let's stick to telling jokes, chaps and chapesses. This thread is getting to be the bloody opposite of a good laugh, and, Jaysus, do we need one!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM

Yah Vold Capitan, I know nothing, noo thing.

"whats the good news?"

"your 24 hours started yesterday"

"mortality is a pre-existing condition".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 PM

FOX news has spent 32 million dollars for 2 old white guys to sexually misbehave. Jeesh, I've been behaving sexually for free.

Roger Ailes became a Trump surrogate
Bill O'Reilly still makes 18 million/yr
I did not know sexual harassment pays so well.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 07:33 AM

Put on your best German accent for the punchline.


Met a bloke at the Olympics carrying a big long stick.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 08:14 AM

I agree with Steve lets be done with Alt humour and just have a good laugh at some funny jokes!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:04 PM

The Early Art of Diversion:

Donald did you all those cookies?

MMph, mouth full, "Brother gwabbed my private parts"

NO I DID'T He j...

WHAT ! Freddy go to your suite without dinner. Are you all right Donnie?

"mmph"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:18 PM

edit

Donald, did you eat all those cookies for the party?
"mmph" (mouth full of cookies), I believe Brother gwabbed my private parts."
NO I DIDN'T He j...
WHAT!! Freddy go to your suite without dinner!
Are you alright Donnie dear?
"mmph."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 10:09 PM

A German visiting Poland for the first time. Polish border guard asks "Name, please." "Gunther Schmidt", says the German.
"And where do you live?"   "Berlin."
"Occupation?"   "Oh God no! Just a vacation."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 12:09 PM

German industrialist in a bar sstands up to walk ot and falls flat on his face
The barman looks up and says "Schindler's pissed"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM

A prospective immigrant to Australia was asked, "Have you ever been arrested?" He raised his eyebrows & replied, "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:24 PM

Went to one of Humph's jazz concerts in Exeter, just six weeks before he died, though he was hale and hearty that evening. He told a joke that he said he'd got from Barry Cryer:

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I once told a pig to piss off."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 07:41 PM

Knew a bloke whose willy was exactly twelve inches long, but he didn't use it as a rule.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 09:05 PM

A bodhran owner, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After a little while, the bodhran man says "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says "You're a bodhran owner, aren't you?"

The bodhran man, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says "That big red one is the radiator."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:27 PM

When my father was in the Navy, ca. 1920, he was an engineer & spent most of his time in shipyards. However, it seems that they did put him on a ship one time, and while he was being sick, a real sailor came up behind him and said "If you feel something hairy & round come up, swallow it down quick, because that'll be your asshole."

I have often thought that that has the makings of a song in it, tho I haven't gotten around to it. The chorus would be

    Roll, pitch, yaw,
    Surge, sway, heave!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:52 PM

A tenuous link with that joke, Joe, but it reminded me of one from many years ago, when Jimmy Hill, Gawd bless 'im, was the main football man on British telly.

Little boy says to his teacher, "Miss, does that Jimmy Hill on telly spend a lot of time on board ships?"

"That's a funny question," says the teacher, "Why do you ask?"

Well, Miss, every time Jimmy Hill comes on telly my Dad shouts at him, 'Jimmy Hill, you anchor!'"
.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 07:09 PM

A Sunday School teacher was quizzing her class. She asked them who created the universe. Mary was akeep so Johnny poked her in the back with a pin. She woke up and cried God Almighty. The teacher said That is correct Mary. She asked who God's son was who died on the cross and rose three days later. Mary was asleep again and Johnny poked her in the back and she cries Jesus Christ. The teacher says right again Mary. She asks what did Eve say to Adam after their twenty seventh child. (Or how many kids they had, can't remember the number). Mary is asleep again and Johnny pokes her in the back and she cries If you stick that thing in me again I'm going to break it in two.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 05:37 PM

The grade school Republican Golf Club was invited to Mara Lago and were told to write a question on a card for the President. Richard's card was on top. The President read it and started mumbling.
It said "Your fans would like to know what urine 2 besides golf"
He read the second card 'Do you use a long or short putter?'
Tight lipped he read the next "How close do you get to the hole without it going in?"
Donald turns to the chaperone and yells WHAT DO YOU TEACH THESE KIDS and stormed out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 09:43 AM

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy road. Suddenly, the light turned amber just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the crossroads.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and honked the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the crossroads.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious policeman. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the charge desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, annoying the man in front of you and swearing loudly at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the rear screen.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 11:04 AM

Just been to an Alan Barnes gig- his announcement jokes are as always worth the admission price.
"We#'re going to play a Latin number next. I always think to play one of those you need at least one Brazilian in the band. I'm not going to say which of us has it..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:32 PM

One of my old chestnuts but I don't care.

Little boy goes into the frozen food shop. He says to the man, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseyes pissoles please, mister."

The man frowns, then smiles. "Ahah, little boy, I think I know what you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the little boy, "can I have a packet of Birdseyes arseholes then please, mister."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:49 PM

Before I play a ukulele medley I say "I normally don't like a lot of talking before anyone plays but I have one question; "Who here likes ukulele music?" - no matter what anyone says, I say - "That's too bad".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:02 AM

* Thank you Victor Borga